A/N : I apologise for the long overdue update. But I hope this chapter makes up for it. Also, once again apologising for any errors you may find in this chapter. I still hope that you guys will still be interested in reading this little fiction of mine.
Also, let it be known that I do not condone cheating. I tried writing this chapter a different way, but this story as if has a mind of its own. It turned out another way. So if anyone gets offended by this chapter, apologies in advance.
Disclaimer: I don't own R&I and any of the characters. Mine will only be the story plot.
'It's sad. But sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with…
Goodbye'
-o-o-o-
Jane had reached her apartment building without even remembering hailing a cab or even the drive to her place. She paid for the fare but it was as if she was on autopilot. She was moving but not seeing. And so when she reached her floor and opened the door, for the Detective she was, she didn't even acknowledge the fact that she wasn't actually alone. That there in her kitchen standing was Frankie.
"Jane?" It was actually the younger Rizzoli that got surprised to see his sister, but funnily enough, he wasn't at all that much surprise to see the state she was in. Sure, it worried him, but knowing that he knew, it was justified.
Startled at the voice that called her name, Jane blinked and finally met her brother's concerned eyes.
"What are you doing here?" The bite in her tone was not of annoyance but more of surprised. She didn't expect anyone to be in her apartment. Technicality aside, no one should be in her apartment anyway –of course except for her.
But even she was not expected to be in her apartment by anyone.
She shouldn't be, anyway. Even though that was what she originally planned –to be in her apartment. Alone. Wallowing.
"I dropped off your car and leaving your keys," Frankie answered defensively but tone like stating the obvious. "What are YOU doing here?"
Sighing exasperatedly as if Frankie shouldn't be asking her that question, the eldest Rizzoli answered dryly, "I live here."
In Rizzoli's old-fashioned way, Frankie rolled his eyes at his sister. "I mean, shouldn't you be at Maura's?"
At the mention of the name, the obvious sagging of Jane's shoulder couldn't be masked even if she tried –in which she didn't even bother to try. All her energy gone. At the moment, even breathing seemed to be an effort for the Homicide Detective.
With dejectedness in her step, Jane made her way to her couch and let her body slumped against the cushion. It was as soft as the ones at Maura's, but of course it would be. Maura bought it for her. In a slight shake of her head, it was almost funny the way life seems to mock her –even in her own place, there was Maura. A hint of Maura, a touch of Maura. There was no escaping the presence of Maura in her life.
She was aware of Frankie's question hanging by. But she doesn't have an answer for him. Yes. She should be at Maura's. Traditionally –or at least typical American movies made it so- the Maid of Honour should be with her bride the night before the wedding –mostly likely celebrating. But how can she celebrate? She tried earlier in the night at the Dirty Robber, but really, these days, she has been an awful company.
And not only that, how can she even tell her brother that, she was there and was ready –at least she thought she was ready- to do her duty as the Maid of Honour, until she saw the boxes and it downed on her that by the next day or really in few hours, she would lose her best friend. Sure, she had lose parts of Maura bit by bit as days passed and closer to the wedding day, but she didn't realized until then how unready she was/is in losing all of Maura altogether.
And then there was the part where she kissed Maura Isles, her best friend –the Bride. Or that fact that 'she' the Bride had kissed 'her' the Maid of Honour back. Unconsciously, she brought her finger up to touch her lip, as the memory of the kiss invades her. The feel of Maura's lips against hers, those skilled medical hands almost as if desperately holding her close…
Shaking her head trying to erase the image, the usually confident Detective sighed.
This night has been giving her one hell of a headache –on top of her ever present heartache.
The sight of her sister while his question hanged in the air, Frankie as he cautiously walked towards his sister didn't need an answer. Taking a tentative sit beside his idolized sibling, he asked instead-
"What happened?"
Turning her head and meeting the familiar kind eyes of one Frankie Rizzoli, suddenly, unable to even fight anything, the known 'Boston's Finest Homicide Detective Jane Rizzoli' breaks down against the strong arms of her brother whom willingly caught her.
"Shit! Jane. What happened?" if he hadn't been already worried for his sister before, he sure would be now. He had never seen her sister cry, not in a long time. He doesn't think anyone has seen his sister Jane Rizzoli cry as an adult –except maybe for Maura. But right there in there, Jane was beyond crying. She was… sobbing.
What the hell happened?
Jane didn't get to answer straight away and Frankie didn't expect her to. The younger of the siblings let eldest cry as much as she needed. He wasn't going anywhere. He would still be there when she's ready.
And soon enough… or maybe not so soon. Eventually the sobs lessen and the breathing even. The tears stopped and it was just quiet.
Until, "I love her," Jane whispered. She didn't have to say it, Frankie knew and she knew it too. But however will she explain what happened?
Because, really, THAT's what happened!
Taking a deep breath, Frankie continuously rubs his sister's back, while tightening his hold of her; as it seems Jane to be relying on him to keep her together –if that was even possible.
"I kissed her," Jane further revealed. She waited for any reaction from her younger brother but none came, except that his hold of her tightened and his silence an invitation to continue.
"I wasn't thinking. I was there, looking at all her things ready and packed. She's going away," her paused was just. Both of them knew, the pause is justified or otherwise, Jane would never be able to finish what she wanted to say.
"Maura was never mine. But… I couldn't help feeling that I'm losing her. I tried to make peace with losing her bit by bit to Jack. I mean, I'm just the best friend. But…"
Sighing, Jane asked rhetorically, "who would've have thought that being the best friend could be this painful?"
Frankie remained quiet. Jane very rarely –if not at all- shares or open up how she feels especially not to him. He didn't want to interrupt.
"By tomorrow or" glancing at the clock and seeing the time she rephrased, "later, I wouldn't have any of Maura; not that I have had any of her, but in my mind's eye…" she paused again. How will she ever explain or voice out that in her own selfish way, in the secrecy of her thoughts and feelings, she had laid claim on one Doctor Maura Isles.
But she was lucky that she didn't have to voice anything out. By the nodding of Frankie's head, she knew that her ever loyal brother understood –and would never judge.
"I wasn't thinking," Jane repeated. "I kissed her. I had to know even just the once, what it would be like."
A small smile ghost Frankie's lips. What Jane had just said was eerily familiar.
"You were feeling," he said.
When Jane remained silent, he continued, "You weren't thinking. You were feeling. Your feelings made you actioned and you knew you just had to kiss her."
"I shouldn't have…" Jane started only she was cut off by Frankie.
"I did too, once," he revealed.
Frankie never mentioned it to his sister and he believes Maura hadn't said anything to her either, or she would've called him on it. But he feels, it's time to let his sister in on a few untold details of what happened to his once feelings for Maura.
Jane didn't know what Frankie meant, so she decided to not stay anything and let her brother continue. Although, she couldn't help feeling like she knew what his next words would be and this caused her heart to beat rather rapidly… with jealousy.
"That day, after the bomb incident at the precinct? You asked me if the high-stress situation heightened my crush on Maura. Well, I've always liked her. Just like Tommy did. I mean, who wouldn't, right?"
Frankie didn't expect Jane to answer, the question was a rhetorical one, but he knew that his sister's lack of reaction meant he should continue. And fast. He still have his arms around her, he could feel the muscle tensing under his.
"Anyway, you told me Maura's practically family but… I'm a Rizzoli. So, we all know how stubborn 'us' Rizzoli can be, so… even though I tried to see her that way, I couldn't. And then, that night, day after Tommy and I had a fight and I left your apartment, I bumped into Maura at the hallway and… she was beautiful," the soft tone in Frankie's voice was not lost on Jane and her muscles tensed more which Frankie felt.
Clearing his throat rather nervously, the younger Rizzoli hurriedly continued, "I wasn't thinking too. I saw her and I felt, I had to know what it would be like so… I kissed her."
At the revelation, involuntarily, Jane extracted herself from the arms of her brother and looked him rather murderously. She couldn't help it and she didn't mean to look at him that way, but her emotions at the moment were all over the place that she couldn't help the jealousy she was feeling.
But Frankie was quick to explain, with both his hands up in feigned surrender he explained, "I couldn't help it. Plus, it was then I realized that you were right. Maura is family. But… it wasn't until earlier this evening that I finally figured out clearly –without any hint of doubt- why."
The familiar furrowed brows of Jane made the younger Rizzoli continued. Apparently, further explanation was a necessary.
"You and Maura," he said and was met by silence; by the looks on Jane's face, he figured it was not an explanation enough as he thought it would be.
"You and Maura, you've always been a couple. It was and is the reason why Maura is family," he paused and waited for the reaction that never came. He sighed, obviously, Jane can be very oblivious. "Maura is family because of you. Tommy even referred to her as like our sister, and that came from Tommy, whom -may I add- had once had a massive crush on her."
Once said out in the open, Frankie half expected his sister to deny it or protest but none came. Thankfully though, she wasn't looking at him like a perp that she would tackle at any given moment.
"She was like our sister because of you. Tommy and I? We never stood a chance, because…" looking at his sister directly in the eyes, making sure to make his point across, said "your claim on Maura, even in secrecy is understandable."
When his sister remained as silent as she had been, Frankie studied her. Her posture, her almost blank facial expression betrayed by her troubled –but expressive- brown eyes.
Jane was considering what he said. Jane was thinking this through like she did if it had been one of her case.
"No comment? No sarcastic remark or anything?" he asked, a bit teasingly, hoping to elevate the heaviness that surrounds them.
Jane shook her head.
Thinking about what her brother had said, it made sense. Looking back on how she and Maura had always been through to an outsider's eyes, yes. As it seemed, Maura and herself indeed was a couple with the exception of the physical aspect that entails a couple. Hell, even Hoyt figured it out. His MO was targeting couple and he targeted her but in the end, he did came after Maura too.
Sighing, if it wasn't for the fact that at the moment she wanted to smack herself for being so oblivious or perhaps plain stupid for not seeing what everybody else saw, she would've laughed. But, regret and remorse won in the battling feelings inside of her; any humor she may have found in her current situation has no room.
She, Jane Rizzoli, had fallen victim to the cliché of 'never seeing what's always been right in front of you' and 'never knowing what you have until it's gone'.
But then, in a moment of clarity or maybe just herself finding her a reason to make it easy to let go, thinking back to what had happened with Hoyt or Maura's abduction just because she means so much to her and Jack's presence in Maura's life. Maybe, just maybe –at least she desperately hope so- it might be a blessing in disguise.
"This may sound sarcastic, but it isn't –maybe I should be thankful of Jack for coming in to Maura's life," and Jane smiles at Frankie's confusion written all over his face.
"Maura's life, is already a magnet for danger because of Paddy Doyle, never mind being in mine," she explained. "Just look what happened with Hoyt or when she was abducted and suffered PTSD."
Frankie was set to protest but Jane carried on-
"Life with Jack will bring her safety. Jack loves her and I think it's safe to say she loves him too –she's marrying him… moving away with him." The voice at the back of her head reminding her of Maura's kiss pushed aside. She doesn't need that nagging voice, when she's trying to make herself let Maura go. "I will never, EVER be deserving of Maura."
The younger Rizzoli doesn't agree with his sister, but he knew better. He knew what Jane was trying to do even if she may not admit to it if he calls her out of her reasoning. It was Jane's way of coping. Yes. His sister loves Maura, but it doesn't change the fact that Maura is still getting married tomorrow with someone else. Justifying Jane's action earlier didn't change anything. If anything, it may have worsen it –now realizing what you had but didn't see it until it was too late. It was the classic cliché.
"I tease her. I used her status in life against her once. I… she even once said it herself that most people would not put up with my abuse," she paused at the memory and whispered- "she did."
Resolution in her voice, Jane with painful acceptance said "She doesn't deserve that. She deserves someone like Jack. Jack is good for her."
Frankie still quiet held his sister's eyes. He didn't nod his head in agreement but he didn't say anything either. He knew Jane wants him to agree with her, but he didn't want to lie and perhaps he couldn't find it in himself too. But he knew, that reasoning against what Jane said would not help her situation either, so like what their Ma used to say 'if what you say will not help anybody, it would be wise and better to not say anything at all'.
But he knew, his eyes spoke volume and he knew that Jane could read everything that he wanted to say in his eyes, thus she looked away not a moment longer.
They were in that quiet, voiceless and no-words-needed conversation when a knock on the door both made them look.
Frankie took the initiative to stand and open to see who was on the other side and when thru the peep hole figured who it was, he looked back at his sister. One glimpse and he knew Jane figured it out too but before she could protest, the younger of the siblings opened the door.
"Maura." He said as his greeting, stepping aside and letting the honey-blonde Doctor in.
"Frankie," the ME whispered. If she had been surprised to see the younger Rizzoli in Jane's apartment, she made no indication of it.
"I'll see you later," he quickly said to both women, before stepping outside the door and closing the door behind him.
-o-o-o-
As soon as Maura stepped inside the apartment, Jane stood. She didn't say anything though and neither did the Doctor. They remained standing in their place for however long, not saying anything but not looking away from each other either, trying to read each other which had been easy before. They both could not say the same now.
When Jane couldn't figure out anything else in Maura's eyes aside from the obvious distress, she decided that making any kind of move would ideal and so, she made her way to the kitchen. She could at least try and break the heavy silence by offering her a drink.
Opening her fridge, she saw Maura's favorite wine. It's amusing how she always keep a bottle of wine in her fridge the same as Maura always keep bottles of her beers in hers.
"I guess it's your lucky day, I have stash of Pinot Noir here," she called out, thankful she was able to make her voice normal as oppose to the turmoil of feelings she has inside. "I-"
Whatever it was that Jane was going to say, it was cut when once she closed the fridge door she found Maura standing close to her, a bit inside her preferred personal space. And as if it was not close enough, the Doctor stepped forward a bit more, not breaking eye contact and said-
"We need to talk," desperation in otherwise usually confident voice was there for Jane to hear.
Rendered speechless, captivated by still the most beautiful hazel with-specks-of-brown-and-glassy-with-unshed-tears eyes, Jane found herself nodding.
She knew Maura invading her personal space was more than what she normally would be comfortable with –with other people- but she never once wanted to step back when it came to the Doctor. This time was no different. She should though –this time- she knew she should but she couldn't bring herself to do so. And so, she waited.
Letting herself dangerously drown in the pools of hazel, she waited for Maura to say her piece. Anything. But none came. The honey-blonde ME mirrored Jane in the way where she tries to swim through or maybe drown in the pools of brown.
Strong. Usually confident. Very expressive brown eyes of one Jane Clementine Rizzoli.
Maura never once let herself admit this, not even to herself, but she secretly –very secretly- loves seeing herself reflected back through Jane's eyes. She always seemed beautiful in those brown's reflection. She secretly indulge herself sometimes, believing that it was how Jane sees her.
The purpose of her coming to Jane's apartment was so they could talk about what happened. About the kiss and maybe about everything else unsaid that shouldn't be. But standing there, close to the Detective, looking at her favorite brown Italian eyes, the idea of talking made no sense.
Stepping a little bit more in Jane's space, she waited for the brunette to step back and claimed her space back, but she didn't. The Detective remained rooted to her spot. Maura tried again, until they were toe to toe where she could smell the distinct alcohol in every in and out of air from Jane's nose as well as the familiar scent that she accustomed as Jane; she accustomed to as the smell of friendship, family, safety.
A second and then two but neither of the two women made a move. They were standing toe to toe, Jane's carbon dioxide Maura's oxygen and vice versa. Hazel and brown eyes, searching the other; navigating the familiarity and yet feeling lost. Once hidden feelings now bare for the other to see. Raw but honest, making any sense of logic dissipate in both usually brilliant minds.
This was the time that logic has no room for; if they only have this moment, then they damn well 'have' this moment.
Not breaking the connection her eyes has with the brown, Maura made the move to reach for the hand that was holding the bottle. It was as if in slow motion, that she gently tugged the bottle away from Jane's hand. Once both scarred hands were free, and hazel green very briefly glanced down to her lips, Jane didn't even waited as she leaned and once again captured the waiting soft lips of Maura.
It was instant when Maura kissed back, a soft whimper escaped as arms were wrapped around the smaller woman, pulling her further as the kiss deepened. It was a wonder how as passionate as the fusion of both lips, it still held tenderness. It was in the way that Maura's hands buried itself in brunette's curls as if massaging the scalp. It was in the way, that when Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's waist, it was done in a gentle way as she would to scoop a baby. The way her hands caresses the dip in the honey-blonde's back as if any harder would break it.
And again, much too soon, the need to breathe made itself known. In sync, both lips slowed and reluctantly pulled away. Eyes still closed while Jane rests her forehead against Maura's. Both afraid to open and meet the other's orbs that drowned any logical sense they may have had earlier and made them act on their feelings rather than what their minds made themselves believe.
"I'm so-" Jane tried to mutter but was stopped by Maura's digit against her lips which made her open her eyes only to be met by Maura's still closed ones.
"Unless you know what you're apologizing for, please… don't" Maura whispered as she finally opens the window to her soul for Jane to see.
What?
To see everything she's feeling that she herself has no words for. She's a scientist. She relies on her science, but science has no business in whatever body chemical her brain was producing. This is this the part of human body, she never once understood and never again tried.
Jane paused and tried to think of anything that would explain the apology that escaped her. Is the apology because she loves her best friend and fell in love with her unconsciously, she will never know when? But looking at the hopeful eyes of Maura Isles, remembering the adoration that was always there for her when she looks, the confidence and trust and care and love that was always present there for Jane to see –even if she never quite figured out before in what context that word love falls under- Jane knew she would never be sorry for loving Maura. Because if in this lifetime she had never done anything right, loving Maura will be it. She could never be sorry for that.
Ever.
She could be given a chance to turn back the hands of time and she would not do anything differently that would make her not love the beautiful Doctor before her. And she doesn't think it was even possible not to love her.
So no. She cannot be apologizing for that.
Is it because she kissed her?
Against her better judgement, Jane's eyes flicker to Maura's partially opened lips and was reminded how soft they were and how much she wanted to feel it against hers again.
Jane gazed at those lips seconds too long and she found herself, taking every will power she has not to lean in again. It was made easy when her eyes drifted back to the awaiting hazel eyes. And while those eyes she believes will be forever beautiful even under any circumstances, at the moment, she could clearly see the turmoil of emotion and confusion in them. And she knew, begrudgingly that she had caused it.
That was her answer to Maura.
"I'm sorry for causing you any pain," she whispered and was surprised to see when a tear dropped against Maura's cheek. She didn't even know she was holding a tear until it dropped. She automatically reached a hand and her thumb swiped her own tear away from the soft skin.
At the same time, Maura's hand cupped Jane's face, catching the tears that Jane was unconsciously shedding. Her thumbs, swiping tears after tears, one after the other. Seeing the normally strong Detective, defenseless from stopping what she usually was good at hiding, Maura stood in her tip toes and replaced her thumbs with her lips, kissing Jane's tears away. Silently, moving from one eye to the other.
And when both eyes received a kiss, Jane expected Maura to stop but the Doctor didn't. Instead, she continued on kissing the Detective's forehead, down to both her eyes again, to both cheeks and nose. Every kiss as gentle as the other. And when Maura stood back down on her feet, she waited for Jane's eyes to open and when it did, she made her close it again by leaning in. This time, taking the first step of closing whatever little distance they have left by touching her lips against her best friend's.
The kiss, just like the other previous ones they shared tonight was gentle; slow but exploring. There was no urgency it the way both moves. No one was dominating the other as both move in sync and with equality –intimate and savoring what the other was offering.
Jane knew she had never kissed anyone like this before. And with a glaring truth knew she knew she would never kiss anyone like this. She didn't have to be submissive yet she wasn't expected to be dominant either. Maura's kiss held equal passion with no urgency and expectation of wanting more than what she was comfortable to give. It held respect and love and gentleness, she knew she could only find in Maura -which only Maura can give.
Feeling the soft lips moving against her, in a dance seemed to be perfected in years rather than just a few minutes, Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's waist once again, hugging her close, diminishing any space left between them if there was any. She held her with tenderness and love that she feels but has yet to voice out –if only given a chance.
In Jane's action, Maura in unison wrapped her arms around the taller woman's shoulder as like she did earlier. Her hands once again found its way, burying in curly brunette locks. She let herself be taken away by Jane's kisses. Nobody has ever kissed her the way Jane does, not Jack, not even Ian. Jane's kisses feels like touching a live wire. It sends tingles all over her body in a very beautiful way –in a lovingly way.
Maura being the scientist that she is, never really believed in those feelings described in the romantic novels she has read. But right there and then, she could attest that those novelist weren't lying when they described a kiss that could render anyone, tame anyone. The kiss that could make ones heart beat faster and slower at the same time. Her scientific brain had been opposed to believing it, but with Jane's lips against hers, moving slowly and lovingly claiming hers, Jane… her beautiful Detective proved those novelist words to be true. Because every word used to described that kiss that could take anyone's breath away, she was feeling it right there under Jane's gentle lips, offering her loving kiss.
It was no a surprise, really. That only Jane could make her feel the way she does as they lips continued to dance in sync with the other. Jane to Maura has always been the exception. The lanky Detective has always been the one her brilliant mind could not fully understand; but regardless, she never tire of trying.
And so, when she felt Jane's tongue tentatively touched her lower lip –if not shyly-, she welcomed her by opening her lips and pulling Jane's head down against her further, encouraging her.
Recognizing the invitation given, Jane slowly explore her best friend's mouth, feeling its warmth and when her tongue meets Maura's, the tiny tingles that sparks once their lips collided, now ignited in a burning need to feel more. Taste more. Claim more of the only woman she ever loved.
To be honest, the only person Jane had truly ever loved.
Loves.
Jane's kisses were the sweetest and as it become more passionate, Maura felt the need to hold tighter. She needed Jane to anchor her. So, she pushed herself further against the Detective whom welcomed her, wrapping strong arms tighter around narrow waist. Silent moans, and the hums of what she felt like electricity travelling in her veins intensified. As their lips dances, Maura's body starts to vibrate with want. Need. She needs more. She wants more.
She wants more of Jane. The need to have more of Jane was something she never felt before. It blurs the line of morality. At the back of her head, Maura knew she shouldn't be wanting Jane this much. She shouldn't be needing Jane this much. But she does. All the years of trying to ignore and hide these feelings, it builds up to this moment. This moment when she was given chance to finally have what she have always wanted and never thought could. Against better judgement, against every belief and moral she pride herself to uphold. This moment, she would seize. There was nothing, no one else mattered except the woman holding her, grounding her.
Jane will always be her exception.
And may very well be her downfall.
And so, when she reluctantly pulled away to breathe, opening and meeting the darker shade of her favorite Italian brown eyes of the lanky Detective, she reached for the hands that has been caressing her back, held it as she held Jane's eyes. She stepped back a little. One step back then two toward the bedroom, Jane following, holding on to the soft hands in hers, not breaking the silent conversation -one accepting and the other hoping with which both eyes reflected one to other, sharing both feeling; both resigned to.
For once in their lives, they will be selfish.
Consequences of what may happen looming, but they are in their own bubble. Nothing can touch them. Not the voice of reason. Not the guilt. Not even the moral. They ignored this need that they almost thought never would exist. They turned a blind eye to this feeling, this emotion because of cowardice. Now, they started, they lit a fire. They knew, without a hint of doubt that there's no way they could compel the burning want and need even if they try. It's like needing to breathe.
They both needed this moment.
If only to hold on to as a memory, once the harsh reality sets in.
-o-o-o-
In the dimness of the bedroom, Jane and Maura stood facing each other by the bed. The only source of light may have been the street light outside, illuminated from the window but both women could swear they have never seen each other in much clearer vision than they do now.
Holding on to warm brown pools of the Detective's eyes, Maura slowly reached and untucked the t-shirt and undershirt that Jane was wearing. Jane lets her; watches her as she, as if in fascination slowly lifts the shirt up and over Jane's head. There was no objection from Jane. She would not even try.
When the shirt had been discarded somewhere in the room, it was then that Maura left the intense gaze of Jane's eyes, only to let her own navigate the intricate curves and muscle of said woman. With the tip of her fingers, she reached and lightly touched Jane's collarbone, tracing, sliding down the chest that moves up and down in a steady rhythm of the Detective's breathing. The finger stopped and splayed palm feels the heart beat under its touch, studying the movement with fascination and awe.
This is Jane's heart, beating under her palm.
Tears pooled in her eyes and Maura didn't try and stop it. How many times had Jane put herself in danger? How many times had this heart almost stopped beating?
Slowly, the Doctor leaned in and placed the softest of kiss right in the middle of Jane's chest, where her heart could be felt beating.
And in that moment, Jane never felt so loved.
Silently and not losing the gentleness in her touch, Maura's fingers continued on tracing the contour of Jane's upper body, the dips of Jane's muscle and then the scar in which the bullet went through. Maura, rubs the now healed wound. It was another reminder of how strong this woman is before her.
Again, the Doctor leaned in and placed a soft kiss on to the almost faded scar.
How did she ever manage to fool herself that she could stop loving this woman was beyond her.
And when Maura's hand reached the buckle of Jane's belt, she stopped and waited for any indication that she shouldn't continue; any indication that this should stop.
Nothing came.
And so, Maura, as if in slow motion, tentatively work to unbuckle the familiar belt, loosening it, followed by unbuttoning and pulling down the zipper of Jane's matching trousers. Once said clothing item pooled down the Detective's feel, Maura let eyes roam the sheer perfection of Jane's form. She always had known that her best friend has a magnificent bone structure, but she only can appreciate it now, inside dimmed room, where olive skin glowed.
Her eyes travelled down from calf muscle, up to toned abs and then chest and once again to the beautiful face of Jane, eyes patiently waiting to meet hers.
"You're very beautiful," Maura whispered, unable to help herself.
Jane didn't answer, instead, she leaned and kisses Maura's lips in one gentle kiss. The kiss didn't last as long but it didn't stop either. Jane's lips merely travelled, from the soft lips of the Doctor, down her chin, then the elegant neck. Rubbing the tip of her nose along its length, memorizing, engraving the soft scent that is distinctively Maura.
And when her lips reached the place where neck and shoulder meets, Jane's hand automatically reached and caresses the feminine shoulder, massaging a little while it gently guides the shorter woman to turn around –Maura did.
In unwavering tenderness, while drowning herself in Maura's scent, Jane slowly unzips the dress the hugs the Doctor's curve in all the right places; and once done, ever so gently, scarred and strong hands, eases the clothing down Maura's shoulder and down, letting it join the trousers that pooled in their feet.
As if moving under trance, Jane's hands found its way again to Maura's shoulder, kneading soft yet strong muscle sand caresses the length of Maura's arms until it reaches the honey-blonde's hands. Holding Maura's hand, intertwining their fingers together as she buries her face at the comfort of Maura's neck, feeling the pulse point against her cheek, while she wraps her arms around her best friend's along with her own.
This is where Maura belongs.
In her arms.
In a perfect world.
-o-o-o-
It was like a dream, only it was real.
They fought hard to keep their eyes open. Maura's hazel to hold Jane's brown as it gazes down on her unwavering.
It started when she turned and met Jane's lips. It didn't stop even when her leg hit the side of the bed and let herself fall, Jane along with her. It continued on, more kisses, heated and passionate. Caresses mapping each contours, valleys of the other's body. Soft but strong hands, engraving every touch; lips memorizing the taste; feeling of both body melded in to one taken to heart to hold on to.
It was when Maura felt Jane's scared palm, gently cradling the weight of her breast. It was when Maura's soft hands once again found its place above Jane's heart, down to her scar where she once again traces with her finger tips. It was when Maura's exploring hand didn't stop to move down until it reached the peak of Jane's body. And it was when Jane's strong hands followed Maura's and found the core of Maura's beautiful, pristine body.
It was then, they knew, they found their missing piece. The one that would complete their existence.
Anchoring herself, with her elbow as she hover above Maura, Jane took the opportunity to fully appreciate the beauty before her. Maura Isles had always been beautiful, but never as beautiful as was then. Normally bright hazel eyes, now a shade or two darker meeting hers. Lips a little swollen and partly agape. Chest rising and falling, in rhythm with hers, as her muscle tenses around her fingers.
So this is what it feels like to be with Maura; to be inside the beautiful Doctor and for the said woman to be in her.
So this is what heaven must feel like.
Because no feeling felt as beautiful and no sight as lovely as the one she's gazing.
Overwhelming emotions, feelings fighting for dominance inside Jane, she couldn't help the tears the welled up in her eyes.
If she will only have this night, then this night she will take.
With all the love she has for the woman before her, Jane increases her pace, not losing the tenderness in each caress. If she only has this night. She will let Maura feel the love she has for her to last a lifetime.
Arching her back a little off the bed, Maura meets Jane's thrust. Never wanting to be out of sync with the movement of the Detective's body –if it was possible.
She watches, as Jane's eyes studies her, doing the same. She notes the glassiness in those rather very expressive eyes. If there will be a time she would remember Jane's eyes to be bare, it would be this moment. No feelings were hidden, everything out for her to see and take in.
Oh, her beautiful Detective.
Reaching with her other hand, Maura cups Jane's cheek, which was welcomed as said woman nuzzles in her palm. Caressing the soft skin against the pad of her thumb, Maura lightly guides Jane's to move down and meet her waiting lips.
The honey-blonde kisses the woman filling her, completing her being with all the love she could pour in that kiss. Lips claiming and being claimed in return. Her body complete the same time hers completing Jane's.
The tensing of muscles surrounding her fingers, Maura had never felt anything as fascinating; as wonderful. If she had been in awe of human's ability to create, nothing compared to how in awe she is at the perfect creation above her. In her.
If there will ever proof of God's existence in her rather scientific mind, then Jane's creation will be it.
This creation molded to perfection, at the moment molded with her body, making them one.
And she needs more of this beautiful woman.
So gently, two becomes three and with that addition, Jane pulled her lips away to gasp for air. That movement alone, Maura had never seen anything more heavenly and divine.
And with a slight curve at the corner of Jane's lips, Maura felt herself filled as Jane added a digit like she did.
A traitorous moan escaped Maura's, swallowed by her favorite lips of Jane's.
Their body dances in perfect sync, their moans and soft groans their symphony.
And with anticipation, both lips moved to 'part as the feeling of being undone, of floating away made stronger.
Jane opened her eyes in time to see Maura opens hers, glassy mirroring her own.
A push from her and a pull from her, a hand curling, sheets in fist and the other buried in brunette curls. Harder but tender. Fast but gentle. In the perfect grace of each movement, Maura resigned her body to Jane. Jane voluntarily succumbed under Maura's claim.
A thrust and a gasp of air from Maura's agape lips, another push and eyes closed as the honey-blonde floats away with Jane as her wind.
Witness to Maura giving away, Jane broke. A moan escaped, muscle tightened and Maura had to open her eyes if only to watch the great Jane Rizzoli's undoing under her touch.
A moment and two, when breathing slows down and body once again grounded. Jane opened her eyes and a tear fell from hers. And this time, when Maura opened hers, two tears escaped from hers and disappeared, caught by the pillow under her head.
In the quiet night of their shared world, slowly the outside world filter in.
Pulling away slowly, a void once again felt. A hollow emptiness within.
Soon. Much too soon. Reality will set in.
Both knew it.
Both willing to hold it off for as long.
-o-o-o-
When Jane moved to the side, like magnet, Maura followed. She didn't need an invitation, she curled herself against Jane's which was welcomed by the brunette. Still on her side, Jane gathered the Doctor in her arms, legs and limbs entwined.
No words.
Just breathing each other in.
And when Jane thought Maura had fallen asleep, she quietly cries.
"I love you Maura Isles."
Her declaration a coward one. Voicing it when she knew it wouldn't be heard. But in her mind's eye, it was the only way she could say it aloud, without being unfair to Maura.
She already selfishly let tonight happen, letting Maura be something she was above doing.
Yes.
Her declaration was a coward move.
No.
She will not change regret it.
-o-o-o-
When breathing evens out, when the rise and fall of chest and the beat under her ears calmed, Maura opened her eyes.
She heard.
But if Jane could only say it out when she thought she was asleep, then she knew to keep her eyes close was what she would do.
It was painful that even after everything that happened, Jane still wouldn't say it to her while awake. But Maura knew her Detective has her reasons. She always does.
However, it didn't protect her from actually knowing where to go from here.
In a few hours, there would be a wedding.
She gave her word to Jack. She took Jack's love and in all honesty returned it –just not as much. She just couldn't match the love given to her by the kind Professor. She tried and couldn't. How could she? When Jane laid claim without even trying; without even knowing.
And now…
What now?
This question she knew would keep her awake. But it that didn't bother her.
At the moment, she doesn't need to sleep. She didn't want to fall asleep and maybe wake up only to realize this all has been a bittersweet dream.
She wants to take all the night in.
Her in Jane's arms, and Jane in hers. The Detective's breathing a top her head, beating of her heart against her ear. Warmth of her body surrounding her being.
If heaven exist, this would be it.
-o-o-o-
It was a few hours later.
Maybe.
The sun is about to rise soon, when Jane woke up. Arms feeling empty.
With eyes still closed, consciousness still in the place in between awake and asleep, she blindly reach for the body she sure was holding before she drifted to sleep. But when she couldn't feel anything but empty sheet, she opened her eyes and was up in an instant. Heart already beating faster, only to slow down when her eyes found a shorter woman's silhouette by the window.
Quietly, she stood up taking the sheets with her to wrap around her naked body. As quietly she walked towards the figure by the window only to stop few feet away. She could take this moment to shameless admire her best friend.
Maura was wearing her old BPD t-shirt and her mini-boxer short. Her hair, while still silky and soft even to just look, disheveled. Face void of make-up. Light freckles illuminated by soft light from the outside.
Still very beautiful.
Still a sight to hold.
Jane, for all the ball of energy that she is, content to stay and stare at her Doctor. A small smile ghosting her lips, unconsciously.
It may have been just few minutes or more, when Maura turned and found Jane gazing at her. The Detective's feature soft and she couldn't help the smile that appeared in her lips.
Slowly, she lifted and reached for the said woman with her outstretched arm, which Jane happily took. Soon, finding her place behind the shorter woman. Once again wrapping her arms around Maura's waist, cocooning them inside warm sheets.
Closing her eyes, Jane buries her nose against golden locks, inhaling Maura's familiar scent of shampoo mixed with the scent of her bedsheet softener. It was calming.
It was a few minutes longer and sun will be up soon, the quiet street of Boston will once again be in organize chaos and their time will be up soon.
"Jane…"
The tone of Maura's voice and Jane knew. As her acknowledgment, she tightened her hold of the woman in her arms.
"Please… tell me," the honey-blonde almost whispered. "Tell me not to marry him," she said.
Again, Jane just tightened her hold of Maura as if her life depended on it –and maybe it does. Like a child scared, Jane buries her face against Maura's neck, finding the safe place there.
Maura waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Jane remained silent and Maura knew then.
So quietly, just like what she had been doing earlier, she watched the street of Boston go by. Seconds and the view becomes blurry as tears clouds her sight.
Quietly, not wanting to move from Jane's arms, the Doctor lets the tears fall from her eyes. One after the other. Try as she may, she couldn't stop the sob the escaped and then another.
The sound, as quiet as it may be, kills Jane. But in all her selfishness, when it everything comes down to it. It was not about be with her and leave Jack.
At the end of the day, her reason now is if she can keep Maura safe. If she can offer Maura the life that Jack could give her. Safe and away from all the evil that human beings are capable of; away from the danger of Jane's life and job entails.
Because really, if she has to go through that -when Maura was abducted and she didn't know what to do; she doesn't know if she will ever forgive herself for that, let alone have a repeat. If anything ever happens to this woman in her arms, because of her selfishness… it would be the end of Jane Rizzoli.
Not that the impending wouldn't ruin her, but at least she could hold on to that piece of fact that Maura is safe, alive and taken care of. At least, she would have that assurance, even if it'd caused her a barely functioning heart –emotionally speaking.
So, Maura asked her to tell her not to marry Jack.
Jane's answer?
When the sun is finally up, Jane took one of Maura's hand and placed it against her cheek. Maura willingly let the action and in addition caresses the soft skin under her palm.
And a minute passed with all the strength she could master, Jane reluctantly pulled her face away from the warmth of Maura's hand.
Placing a quick kiss on to the honey-blonde locks covered temple she whispered-
"I'm sorry."
Placing another kiss on to Maura's shoulder she added-
"I can't be your Maid of Honor."
And then with great regret, Jane completely pulled away, releasing Maura of her hold and let her feet carried her to her bathroom, hidden and away from the love of her life.
Now sobbing hard, tears non-stop, Maura turns away from the rising sun.
New day.
And now hers and Jane's time is up.
Walking and passing by the closed bathroom, Maura's last words were-
"Goodbye Jane."
A/N : Please know I tried to make the scene between Jane and Maura as how is was in my head. Writing intimate scene was never my strong point but I hope I gave the intimacy needed between the two justice.