A/N: There is no excuse so I won't try. I apologize, I have a few faithful readers who probably have left me in the dust. I deserve it but I'm still sorry. I've finished both chapters together so I posted them both together, finally ending this short story. Again, I'm sorry but I hope whoever still read this enjoys. And I appreciate all the love it got. Mwuah, lovelies.
Heart Attack
My heart painfully skips a beat at Kendall's words and I find myself drawing him in my arms as he struggles feebly. "No no no baby.." I say against his hair. His scent intoxicates me and I find myself inhaling deep. "I said that I was going to fix this and I am. Starting now. I love you Kendall, you've been the best, are the best I ever have. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you but I don't want to let you go."
If he leaves me, he'll be up for grabs. I can't stand the thought of another guy being in my place. Selfish, aren't I? My mind blanks and I slowly let him go. I can see the confusion in his orbs and I stroke his cheeks.
"I'm so sorry Kendall. I don't deserve you. You.. you should just end it with me." It hurt like hell to say that but after everything I made him go through with my cheating ways, how could I possibly beg for him to stay with me? I'm no good for him. How can I possibly fix this?
I blink when feeling my arms being lifted against my will and wrap around something warm. I stare down at Kendall in shock as he hesitantly pushes up against my chest, the hold he had on my arms tightening. He doesn't meet my eyes but I notice him worrying his lower lip, the way he does when he's nervous but determined about something.
"I should..." He starts, voice so quiet I strain to hear. "B-but... I won't. I don't want to. James, I-" He looked up at me finally and breathes out jaggedly, "I still love you."
...
"Carlos, calm down." Logan says to me as I pace inside our shared room back and forth.
"Calm down?" I repeat, clear disbelief ringing through my words. I throw my arms up. "HOW can I when Kendall set himself back up for a heart ache? At this point they're both going to have heart attacks from all the up and down emotions they give off! Arg!"
Logan slides off our bed and comes to me, wrapping me in his slender arms. "Shh baby. You can't protect everyone. These two need to learn from each other, we can't do anything about it except stay on the side lines as their support. Okay?" A soft kiss is placed on my cheek and I humpf, my face burning slightly.
...
We're at it again. But for once, it is me who leaves the scene, slamming the door with good measures before making my way down the hall. Tears of anger threaten to fall but I hold them in from sheer stubborness. Why should I shed another precious tear for James? He's such a-
I think of every curse and foul word to use against him in my head as I jam the elevator button. We've been together for a whole month now after the incident at the studio. Kat's single made number one in the top ten worldwide, making it a hit. But the only hit it gave me was the harsh truth on how much I truly loved James. It was bad for my health going back to him but it was equally just as bad being apart from him.
The elevator opens and I hurry inside before pressing the top floor button. Recently I've found that the Palm Wood's roof helps me think so after James and I's blow outs, I shy there. I briskly walk my way to down the dark hall after exiting the elevator. I enter through gray doors that lead to a stairway. I go up and reach a heavy black door which I open. It groans as it opens and bright light fills the dark stairway. I exit out, immediately inhaling the fresh air and embrace the welcoming sun.
At least some thing is warm towards me. Not a certain brunette I know. I shake my head. I can't think of James right now, I just need to clear my head. I make my way to my favorite resting spot while musing over our spat. It was over something dumb that had us both fired up to our maximum. At the end, harsh words were thrown and I stormed out. It seemed like every day now James and I had found a petty reason to go latch at each other's throats.
I don't even remember what happened this time.. something about his porn magazine being left in the wide open of our room. I feel the anger boil in me again and I clench my teeth. Oh yeah. That was it. See, here it is from my point of view:
I'm gay, James is bi.
He's cheated on me with a girl.
Multiple times.
I find girls zero appealing.
He does not or he wouldn't have fucked one behind my back.
Him carrying a porn magazine is fine but with our history together, it wasn't such a good thing for me to find it laying around loose in our room.
I know I don't have boobs or the thing below but I'm still a decent looking guy. After everything he's done to me, he was the one begging me to stay. Stupid bastard, it wasn't like I was leaving anyway...
I sigh. I'm pathetic. Still. It hurts to think that I'm not enough for him. It's not his fault that he's into girls and guys at the same time. Right now though, he's with me, a guy. He shouldn't be thinking about women and women parts when he's got me... right?
I rub my irritated eye that is itching to start the water works. I forbid it and splay down on the warm roof, my body jolting almost pleasurably as I'm moved my the heat. I don't know how long it was that I lay there in the silence. Well, it wasn't all silent since I was outdoors. I heard birds, I heard the cars, I heard the guests of Palm Woods chattering. It was muffled though due to me being up on the roof.
Despite the almost silence, it's a definite knowing of me perfering music whenever I'm in a situation. I pull my shuffle out that Katie got for me awhile back. My ear phones are plugged into the device and wrapped around it so I begin the annoying journey of untangling it. Once I'm done, I plug them into each ear of mine and turn it on.
As I'm skipping songs that I don't want to listen to, I fail to notice that James has found me out and was slowly walking towards me. I startle when he reaches me and sits, looking out at the city and not me. I stare at him until he meets my eyes. I can feel emotions flash through mine as I see his do as well.
He swallows hard and gently strokes my face. I lean into his touch before we both pull away. He grabs my left ear plug and inserts in his own ear. I don't protest. He says, "What are we listening to?"
I pause my skipping to hear the song I landed on. A slight hip pop* beat blares into our ears. It's catchy so I let it play longer.
Turn the lights on!
Ohhh wo-oh, Ohhh wo-oh
We share something so common
Still so rare, and I'm in awe
Never been here before
So high, we're still climbing
Even here inside these walls
Breaking each other's hearts
And we don't care cause we're so
In too deep, can't think about giving it up
But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack
It's killing me, swear I never cried so much
Cause I never knew love would hurt this fuckin' bad
The worst pain that I ever had
Ohhh wo-oh, never never never knew love (Ohhh wo-oh) would hurt this fuckin' bad
The worst pain that I ever had
Throughout the painstaking story of our life song, James had lay down beside me, an apathetic expression on his face. But I knew that the lyrics had hit him hard like they did me.
All the times when I know I should be smiling
Seem to be the time that I frown the most
Can't believe that we're still survivin
Cause I'm slowly breaking down
Even when I hold you close
And if I lose you
I'm afraid I would lose who
Who I gave my love to
That's the reason I stay around
Even though I fell way
In too deep, can't think about giving it up
But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack
It's killing me, swear I never cried so much
Cause I never knew love would hurt this fuckin' bad
The worst pain that I ever had
Ohhh wo-oh, never never never knew love (Ohhh wo-oh) would hurt this fuckin' bad
The worst pain that I ever had
And it hurts,
The singer started talking, his voice thick with emotion. I feel my eyes prickle. I turn away from James and lay on my side. There's stillness beside me for a minute before I hear him shuffling. A glance over my shoulder shows me that James moved in the same position as me.
Cause I wanna leave, and you wanna leave
But the love keeps us together
And if I lose you
I'm afraid I would lose who
Who I gave my love to
That's the reason I stay around
Even though I fell way
In too deep, can't think about giving it up
But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack
It's killing me, swear I never cried so much
Cause I never knew love would hurt this fuckin' bad
The worst pain that I ever had
Ohhh wo-oh, never never never knew love (Ohhh wo-oh) would hurt this fuckin' bad
The worst pain that I ever had
The song ended. I felt the silent tears slither down my cheeks as I stared at nothing. I tried to be quiet but it was hard to. I let go finally when I felt James scoot back until our backs connected. It was like a silent message he sent me. 'I understand'.
Understand what? That's the thing, only James and I will only understand our back. The back and forth relationship we had. The up and downs of it, the rollercoaster emotion we both put ourselves and one another through.
A broken sound left my mouth quietly. Things between James and I won't ever be the same.
A/N:
*hip pop = hip hop/pop together