Chapter 4

A.N: I thought of adding this to chapter three originally but I thought it made that chapter too long. But felt like it was essential to post this soon after 3 since it flows into each other. Enjoy. Sorry but not much CxB until Chapter 6.

Trigger Warnings: Bulimia, Purging, Eating Disorders, Drug Use

Disclaimer: I don't not own Gossip Girl or any characters from any of the series mentioned. Nor do I own any of the real places, or persons mentioned.

"Humanity is not perfect in any fashion; no more in the case of evil than in that of good. The criminal has his virtues, just as the honest man has his weaknesses."

― Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, Les Liaisons Dangereuses

I stomped into my penthouse up the stairs into my bedroom. I was gasping for air by the time I walked into the room. Grabbing the back of the vanity chair, I tried to catch my breath but it seemed with every intake of air that filled my lungs brought tears into my eyes. Little light streamed into the room into my room from the hallway. I did not have the energy to walk back to turn it on. The tears were silently streaming down my face. Nate. Serena. Chuck. Virginity for revenge. His voice taunting me. How far would I go? I smelled him on my clothes and I began to thaw at them to take them off- piece by piece flying off in every direction. Stumbling by my full-length mirror, I looked at my body through my lingerie that hugged my figure. That Nate was supposed to see tonight. Nate. Nate slept with Serena. A sob escape my lips. Not knowing if anyone was home, I covered my mouth with the back of my hand trying to muffle my sobs. This body could not tempt Nate or Chuck. Chuck Bass the manwhore of the Upper East Side rejected me. My hips too wide, my breast too small and height with heels failed to reach Serena when she had flats on. There was nothing special to me. I made people fear me but there was no one that every really wanted to be with me. My father left, my mother hated me, Serena slept with my boyfriend, charming sweet Nate was a fraud, I paid Dorota, and my body could not even tempt Chuck. The familiar test of bile came to my throat and I ran into my bathroom grabbing a robe to throw over me.

Hunched over the porcelain bowl the cold tile pressed against my knees and the gagging began. As the lack of food was obvious, I realized that all I ate today was fruit and a yogurt. I ran back to my room to grab the emergency box of chocolates that were hidden in my night draw. Before I knew it, I ate all of the chocolates into the box. I saw myself in my mirror. Tears streaming down my face with my mascara after eating an entire box of chocolates. It was disgusting I was disgusting. Throwing the box away from me, I made my way back to the bathroom and emptied the chocolate into the bowl. My head pressed against the seat of the bowl as I cried my tears into. My loneliness only felt stronger. The life I built for myself was tumbling down around me. When I finally found the energy, unsure at how much time had passed I found myself back in front of the mirror. Glaring at myself, I saw the lamp on my vanity that purchased with Serena on a shopping trip in the 9th grade. Grabbing it, I threw it into the mirror. The sound of breaking fast brought me a satisfying relief. I began to grab the pictures I had with my so-called friends and threw them to the floor. Everything that reminded me of them and eventually anything, I could grab. Books and clothes soon followed. I laughed and cried as I destroyed my room.

"Blair!" my mother shouted from my door grabbing her heart. She looked at me and I looked her for a long moment. Disappointment shined on her face. I sank to the floor sobbing. "Sweetheart what is going on here," my mother asked in a voice I have not heard in what felt like a decade.

I was in no state to answer her. I cried into my hands. I felt her hands come to my shoulder. For the first time in forever, my mother hugged me. I crumbled into her arms as she petted my hair. "It is going to be okay. Whatever it is it is going to be okay…. Oh sweetheart. If you need to go back to therapy that's fine. Blair. Sweetheart it is going to be okay," she said as she rocked me. Her kisses falling on my hairline and her tears rolling off her face onto mine were the last things I felt before the numbness took over. Look at the Waldorf women now was my last thought.

It was around one in the morning when I finally moved to the guestroom to sleep. My mother had given me a Valium to calm down and tucked me in. It was as close to a bedroom story as I was going to ever get. Once my breakdown was over, I saw the damage I did to my room and texted Dorota to apologize in advance. After bringing me to the guest room, Eleanor refused to leave my side until I answered a few of her questions. I admitted to binging and throwing up that night but I assured her that I had not for months. In my weakened state, I told my mother about Serena and Nate. I left out how she, my father, and Chuck hurt me. Her face scrunched up and I knew she was thinking of what happened with my father.

"Is this how it felt when you found out about Daddy?" I asked her. We were both leaning on the headboard letting the Valium do its magic.

She gave me a small sad smile. "Your father did not cheat on me in that way. I had my suspicious for a while and by that time, I knew for sure. When he met Roman, he was ready to admit it to himself and fall in love. Was I angry, hurt, and still a little confused? Yes, but I was not blindsided. Not the way you were, dear."

"Didn't you love him?"

"Of course. We had good times. It was important for us to all be a family especially when you were young. While I think I was in love with him, I don't think your father ever loved me that way. After a few month of therapy and some minor correction," she softly traced the areas around her eyes, "I realized that now I can find someone to love me the way I deserve to be love. It is such a shame to discover this about Nate. Do you think you and him can work things out? The Archibald family is such a goof family to have connections with. Who know when you can snag another boy like that?" I wondered if she even knew that her words sung. How her casual attitude towards plastic surgery as a mood booster formed my own self-image. Yet, I relished her attention.

I knew that there was no chance of reconciliation with Nate. My eyes filled with more tears that I did not even think I had left in me. "It is not even the fact that he cheated that hurt so much. We could have worked through that if it was only that. But I think… I think he loves her. It is the fact that he could love someone else that hurts the most," I confessed as the tears welled over and fell. My mother brushed them away.

"I don't want this to close yourself to love the way my divorce almost did to me. We are Waldorf women. We are fighters and we never wallow. I am sure there are hundreds of suitable men of good families that would love to date you dear." It was probably the nicest thing she told me. I soaked it up but a nagging voice question why only hundreds and not more?

"Tell that to Bass," I huffed. My only raised an eyebrow at me and I realized what I said. It must have been a combination of the drugs without dinner, my sleepiness, and the confusion of a heart-to-heart with my mother that made me slip up.

"If the son is anything like the father you should steer clear of him. He is a womanizer from my understanding." Her words only reminded me further that I was probably the only girl that Chuck Bass denied.

"I am tired mother. I think it is time that I go to sleep."

"Very well." She shut the door. The fairy-tale heart to heart moment was over. Instead of sugarplums and fairies I dreamed of blackmail and a very dirty martini.

I woke to my mother and Dorota arguing by the doorway over me.

"Miss Blair needs to get up and eat breakfast. Big day today, Tomorrow is party. She needs to get ready for school and show world she is Queen." Dorota was standing with my breakfast tray trying to get pass my mother. '

"Seriously, she can afford to miss one day of school. Her royal subjects could last," my mother said sarcastically. More like they are going to chant 'off with her head' I thought.

They had no clue their arguing had already awaken me. As much as I would have loved to stay in bed and let it swallow me alive, I knew that was not going to happen. No matter how tired mentally and physically I felt. I needed to go to school to keep the hierarchy in order. I wanted to show Chuck, Nate, and Serena that I was fine without them.

"It's okay mother I should go," alerting them that I had awoken. Dorota walked pass her haughty knowing she had won. "I am sorry about the room," I told her when she placed the tray over my lap. She gave me a smile filled with pity and I cringed recognizing the look from when she used to find me in the bathroom hunched over the toilet.

"It can be redone. Make-overs are always so much fun. I will start working on it right away," my mother said as any perfect UESider would say to cover any breakdown.

"An hour and a half to school." Dorota informed me. I had some work to do before then.

"Dorota, if you can locate my laptop and the USB in the draw. You know which one. Can you please bring that to me," I said sweetly. Dorota looked like she saw a ghost but told me yes even though I knew she wanted to lecture me not to use that.

"Don't over exert yourself. Homework can wait. You are only allowed to go to school if you meet me for lunch. Also, I made an appointment with your therapist at the Ostroff Center for 5 today," she informed me in a stern voice as she watched me with my breakfast tray. I knew she was waiting for me to eat something. I spooned a bite of oatmeal into my mouth.

"Lunch is fine mother. However, I am too busy for the appointment. The Kiss the Lips Party is tomorrow and I need to make sure anything is in order." I smiled up at her hoping she would not force me to go.

"The credit cards that pay that party don't pay themselves. You are going or I can call the people at the Foundry and cancel," she told me. (1)

I smiled tightly. "You said five?"

I ate a few more bites under the watchful gaze of my mother. She left as Dorota entered. I quickly set up my laptop and plugged in the USB as Dorota cleared breakfast out of the way. Homework was the last thing on my mind. I do it in advance on the weekends. (2)

"Miss Blair. You sure this is a good idea?" she asked clearly still nervous about what was happening.

"You saw the blast Dorota this is necessary. I need to take them down. I have little recent dirt on Serena but I am sure we can did something up. There has to be a reason why she is here. I want you to follow her after school today," I scrolled through the blackmail photos I had stored on my computer. This USB held dirty secrets on much of the UES it was locked in a false bottom in a draw in my closet. I never thought I would have to use this information in this way. I huffed. I stared at the photos. Send to Gossip Girl. The email was formed but I was hesitant to hit send. But I thought of the pain I wanted to cause them until the damage I sought made things right.

A ringing phone woke me and I fumbled away trying to grab it while remaining face down in my bed.

"Yes?" I asked roughly. Who was calling so early in the morning?

"Sir, you asked for a 7:30 wakeup call." Realizing I was not in my suite, I demanded that they charge my credit card for breakfast. "You paid cash for the room." I groaned. I hate when Bart is in town and I have to keep him off my tail.

"Can you send up coffee at least?" I pushed myself up and quickly realized that I was tangled with two bodies. I could imagine the mess outside of the room that I should tidy up before room service came up. "Send it up in fifteen minutes." I said before I hung up. I nudged the girls to wake up and tried to remember if Nate picked them up last night or if I needed to pay them for their services. Finding my underwear, I tossed it on. Wearing last night's suit was yet another disadvantage of Bart being in town. Images of the bar in the Soho House came back to me and I remembered they came here with us (3). We started out here but soon migrated to the lesser clubs in the area where we picked up these ladies no doubt.

"Hey we have to checkout," I said more forcefully to the women who shared my bed. They mumbled a response. Leaving the room, I discovered Nate on the sofa with a blonde stark naked. I only had enough cash to on me to swing for a one-room suite. Lines of coke on the coffee table with cigarettes and joints littered around. A bottle of whiskey rolled by my foot. I softly kicked it.

I nudged Nate awake. "Nathaniel." His eyes blinked open. I could not help but smile knowing I showed my best friend a night like the one he has never seen before. Even during our lost weekends, he never let loose like this. If this was the new Nate then I needed to schedule a lost weekend very soon. He looked like he wanted to smile but he grabbed his head obviously suffering from a hangover. "Coffee is coming. We need to clean up and check out" I glanced at the coke to let him know what I meant. He nodded as the two girls left the room.

"We left our number on the notepad," they said with smiles. I walked them to the door. "Wonderful. Thank you for last night. It was a pleasure ladies," I told them.

I messaged Arthur and informed him we needed to be picked up and I needed to be dropped off to change while Nate was dropped off and picked up again to be taken to school. There was no way I was going to be on time for Bart's ride to school and I still probably was going to be late. Staring out at the view the silence and soberness lead my thoughts to last night. Nate and I were drinking our sorrows and feelings away. While he blabbed on about his love life after a few drinks I had to make sure, he never knew what was haunting me. Our room had a room of the Hudson looking towards Hoboken (4). Maybe I should go there tonight to be as far away from Blair tonight. There is no way she would ever venture to Jersey. I was annoyed with how desperate I was to flee and poured my coffee hoping to distract my thoughts. A few minutes later, I was sipping black coffee while Nate was with the blonde promising to call her. I rolled my eyes at his rookie mistake but he was his own man. I was skimming the business and real estate section of The Times when Nate finally made it back to join me at the small coffee table.

"Is it always like that?" he asked with a goofy smile. I nodded with a smirk. "Dude. What have I been doing?"

"No clue. I have been trying to inform you of the ways of Chuck Bass for years but you were busying playing devoted boyfriend." In truth, there were plenty of times when I was angry with Nate for flaking on me due to his 'boyfriend' duties.

"Well no more of that. I am a free man with Chuck Bass as a best friend. Time to enjoy the dark side of it all. Young and beautiful, right?" He served himself coffee.

"Something like that," I looked out of the view of the river. The alcohol was leaving my system while the drugs would last a bit longer the ache of last night was coming back.

"Everything okay?" Nate questioned. "You aren't gonna throw up or anything?"

"I can hold my liquor. Years of practice," I smirked. Years of drinking alone to dull the loneliness more like it. I thought of the ivory beauty sleeping in her bed surrounded by her white sheets with her virtue still intact. I could have had her last night. I knew all the buttons to push a woman past the point of no return. The look I saw in her eyes when I pushed her against my bar told me what I needed to know. But I did not. That in itself is the problem. I felt something more for her that I never felt before. It was unknown and it scared me enough that I considered fleeing the country. I never felt so used when found out that she only came to me to upset Nathaniel. I realized that I was playing with fire when it came to Blair. I decided then that I needed to stay away from her in order to get these feelings under control. As we were checking out our phones buzzed.

Who needs birthdays when you wake up to pictures like… xoxo

1 The Foundry is the location where the Kiss on the Lips and the Snowflake Ball were filmed. It is a beautiful location in Long Island City, Queens, New York. It's a short drive over the Queensboro Bridge which is located over the area in which the Upper East Side and Midtown neighborhoods meet. I debated changing the location to a club in NYC (which is where it is supposed to be set in the show) but I decided that it is famous enough and a wonderful location that Blair would not mind trekking out to Long Island City for her Kiss the Lips Party. It would not be that long of a drive on weekend since the bridge is so close to the UES. Its a 15 minute drive from the Palace (without traffic which is generally not that bad on the weekends excluding accidents & construction) and half an hour from Blair Penthouse. Not the worse drive time so I kept it in.

2 Do they ever do homework?

3 Members only bar for a young crowd in the Meatpacking District (tiny area of NYC squeezed in between Chelsea and the Village where a lot of popular clubs are located). Soho house is not in the Soho neighborhood but is named after the original Soho House in London. Membership cost about 2000++ a year and generally have to be young & famous in the media like a celebrity, work in the fashion industry, or a director etc. The first rule of Soho House don't talk about Soho House. There different houses part of the club in many major cities some are more exclusive then others. Ex: Kim Kardashian has tried unsuccessfully to gain membership at the Soho House West Hollywood since it opened in 2010. Around the same time the New York House lost its cool and was being to lose its prestige known as the "so-so house" and purged members. But since this supposed to be Soho House as depicted 2007 the House is still cool enough for Chuck Bass. It was depicted in Sex in City when Samantha tries to get a membership and steals a card. In GG, Blair refers to dismissively it when she compares it to Hamilton House during its "so-so period". It has a vintage style bar that screams Chuck Bass and a heated rooftop pool. Need I say more? There are also a few exclusive hotel rooms in the House. Of course, Chuck Bass would be a member. Does Chuck Bass have a fake ID or is he just Chuck Bass?

4 For those that are not aware Manhattan is an island bordered by rivers. On the West Side, there is the Hudson that separates Jersey and New York. From the Meat Packing District, you can see Hoboken a city in New Jersey. On the East Side, there is the East River, which is the border between Queens/Brooklyn and the island of Manhattan. FYI, the lesser-known river that separates Manhattan from the Bronx is the Harlem River that empties into the east river.

A.N: I re watched a few clips of Nate and Chuck for this chapter and I realized how much name dropping that the show did so offhandedly. It was amazing how spot on the pop culture references were and how essential New York City locations were. I enjoyed writing about the ways that Chuck would change his behavior when Bart is around sometimes Manhattan can be too small for these characters. I know everyone is probably wondering when the Kiss on the Lips Party is coming? Not until chapter 6.

What is your Fav Gossip Girl Party/Event? The ones that stick out in my head are: Kiss on the Lips, the first Masquerade Ball (my fav), Bart and Lily's wedding, the white party, the blackout 'party', Prom Night, Saints and Sinners, and the bar mitzvah party they crashed.