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A Valentine's Day Message

As you all most likely know – assuming you haven't been hiding under a rock for the past couple of months – Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Actually, it's today. But "Valentine's Day is here" sounds a lot less cool than "Valentine's Day is right around the corner." Perhaps we could say that "Valentine's Day has arrived." Yes, that's good; let's say that.

As you all know, Valentine's Day has arrived; a time of the year that is trying even under normal circumstances. But in these times of darkness and sorrow, experts have predicted that this holiday will be even more horrible than usual. So, out of the goodness of our hearts, we have created a list of DOs and DON'Ts – mainly DON'Ts – to help you survive your first Valentine's Day in the zombie wasteland that is now our world.

1. DON'T go looking for your loved ones.

Undoubtedly, you have all lost someone. A boyfriend or girlfriend, perhaps, or maybe a spouse. A best friend. A secret lover. We all have them; we've all lost them. But DO NOT go looking for them. We'll say it again; DO NOT go looking for your loved ones.

Why? Because they're no longer your loved ones, dumbass. Oh, sorry. We're supposed to be professional. Let us try again. Why shouldn't you go looking for them? Because they're no longer your loved ones, you poor, sad thing. They aren't hungry for your love; they're hungry for your flesh. Go looking for them, and you'll just end up dead.

2. DON'T have sex

We know, we know; what better thing to do on a lonely Valentine's Day when the world's gone to hell in a hand basket and there happens to be a hot guy or girl in your group? Actually, there are a lot of better things to do.

We don't know much about the topic itself, but we've seen enough horror movies to know that if you have sex, you will die.

Imagine that you're happily grinding away with another person, seemingly safe behind your locked doors and barricaded walls, when suddenly there's a breach somewhere and the undead poor into your compound. You've been caught with your pants down; literally. You're not ready to escape. You're dead. Having sex is just taboo.

You do it, you die.

3. DON'T attempt to confess your undying (haha, get it? We're so witty) love to someone in your compound.

Most likely, this will just end awkwardly – very awkwardly. Chances are that your love won't reciprocate your feelings. You'll just end up being heartbroken and depressed and will end up doing something stupid that will endanger the entire compound and everyone in it. And you don't want to do that, do you?

Or your one true love could be missing their one true love on this awful day because they were bitten and are now wandering around in eternity. Then things become really awkward. You'll get rejected, and both of you will become depressed and do something stupid that will endanger the compound.

Also, your one true love could end up killing you – always a possibility. So just don't try it. Keep those feelings locked up tight inside!

4. In connection with #3, DON'T try to do something heroic to prove your feelings to your one true love.

Once again, you will just end up dead, and your one true love probably won't be impressed or swept off his/her feet. They'll also just think you're stupid. Heroics are fun and all, but not for love. Never for love.

5. DON'T sit in a corner and bemoan your horrible situation while crying.

There are several reasons for this.

1. You will look like an idiot. You'll be sitting in a corner, arms curled around your legs, with tear tracks sliding down your cheeks as you bawl your eyes out. People will start to not like you.

2. You'll look weak. As much as you wish it weren't true, it is. Bawling in a corner for no apparent reason makes you look weak. And during a zombie apocalypse, as you might have guessed, that is not a good thing. Your fellows will begin to doubt you, question your resolve. They'll start losing their trust in you. And that's dangerous for everyone.

3. You'll be loud, and what does noise attract? That's right, zombies. Nobody wants that. You'll probably get thrown out of the compound to appease the undead monsters.

4. You'll be annoying. Nobody likes a crybaby. They'll start hating you, probably contemplate killing you, and then actually do it.

So don't cry in a corner.

6. DON'T get wasted.

You get wasted, you lose all your common sense, you end up wandering around the streets alone, attracting attention, until you finally collapse to the ground unconscious and get eaten. Or you compromise your compound and get everyone inside killed. It may seem like fun to drown your sorrows in booze, but it won't end well. And even if you somehow miraculously survive the day, you'll wake up with a roaring hangover.

7. DON'T go on a dinner-and-a-movie date.

Romantic, yes, until you end up dead. Any restaurants or cinemas you find will most likely be filled with zombies. If not, the noise from the movie will attract them. Any restaurants you try will only have rotten food; not exactly conducive to good food. More conducive to getting sick.

You and your date will probably end up being the "dinner" part of the dinner-and-a-movie.

8. DON'T proclaim your undying love for someone from a rooftop.

While seemingly romantic, the only thing this will accomplish is drawing all the zombies in the area to your position. Congratulations, you are now dead.

9. DON'T try to do it with a zombie.

First off, this is wrong on so many levels. Just because it makes noise, doesn't mean it's giving you consent. You'll also get bit. And seriously? That's just fucking gross. Like, really. Seriously. We shouldn't even have to fucking tell you this. Why would you even think about it? Jesus, God. Are you really that sexually depraved and desperate, you sick fucks? Oh God, we can't get the fucking image out of our minds! They're all rotting and falling apart, and who knows what kind of fucking STD's they're carrying! Oh ew, gross, aw fuck! Moving on, quickly, moving on!

10. DON'T commit suicide.

It's just one day; you can make it. You've managed to not off yourself for the past few months; you can resist the urge for one more day. Besides, think of the mess you'll make that your comrades will have to clean up.

11. DON'T go on a murderous rampage and kill all the zombies.

Well, maybe do do this (haha, doo-doo). It depends on how you go about your murderous rampage. Let's put it this way; DON'T get bit while going on a murderous rampage. It's been clinically proven that wanton death and destruction is good for the soul. You'd also help clear the area of zombies. Just don't get bit.

12. DO sit in your room under the blankets and cry.

This is the acceptable version of #5. You won't make a fool of yourself and no one will know what you're doing in there. You could be dealing with the loneliness of Valentine's Day some other way.

13. DO figure out exactly how sex is defined in the dictionary.

Once you know this, you can do every pleasurable thing that you want if it's not covered by the definition and be safe from the don't have sex rule. Score, loopholes!

14. DO stuff your face with all the chocolate you can find.

Chocolate is the candy of Valentine's Day and sometimes called edible sex. It is the one sure thing that can make anyone happy, no matter the situation. Mmm…chocolate. We have dark chocolate covered super fruit in our backpack right now…mmm…delicious…

And there you have it, Lucky Movie Lovers. No, wait. That's Marcus Theaters. Hm, we need our own catchphrase.

… … …

We got nothing.

Good luck surviving your first Valentine's Day during the zombie apocalypse. Keep our helpful DOs and DON'Ts in mind and you should be fine. Key word here being should.

This message has been brought to you by Epiphany Fish Corporations, paid for by a very shady group that we don't know the name of.

Love,

Enia and Samik