CHAPTER FORTY ONE
TOBIAS POV
"Ready for today?" I ask Tris while we are lying in bed.
"Yes, I think so," she says.
"I won't be watching your fear landscape today. Josh is going to stand in for me," I say.
"Why?"
"Max didn't want your ranking to come into question," I say.
"You will still be there, won't you?"
"Of course. I will be outside waiting for you when you finish," I say. "But I will have to leave straight after. I will need to meet with the other leaders to finalise the rankings."
"Good," she says.
"Are you to decent?" We hear Caleb call out from the other side of the door.
"Yes," we both call back at the same time.
Caleb comes into the room and sits on our bed with us.
"So what's the plan for today?" he asks.
"Fear landscapes are today. Then the final rankings are announced. After all that Dauntless drink themselves into oblivion," I say.
"So big day," he says.
"You could say that. Half the compound will be drunk before lunch," I say.
"I suppose I am going to have to get used to all this," Caleb says.
"Yeah. You are going to love it here," I say.
"When does my training start?"
"Next week. We have organised a trainer for you. We will give you a condensed version of our usual initiation program. Then you can pick a job and get an apartment," I say.
"So, it's okay for me to stay here until then?" he asks.
"Yeah of course," I say.
"This is all really exciting," Tris says. "I'm so glad you decided to stay here."
"I am too," Caleb says. "So am I able to leave this apartment now that everyone has agreed that I can stay?"
"You are free to roam the compound but you can't leave the compound without a member. Once you have finished your initiation then you can do whatever you want."
"You can sit with me while I wait to go through my fear landscape today," Tris says.
"That doesn't sound like much fun," Caleb says.
"Well you could go down into the Pit and wait with the Dauntless born initiates. I'm sure Uriah will be happy to help you get drunk," I say.
"I think I might hang with you, sis. I don't know if I'm ready to start partying like Dauntless do," Caleb says.
"If you are going to drink, just take small sips. Don't let anyone convince you that you should drink more," I say.
"Sounds like you learnt from experience," Tris says.
"Having Zeke as your friend, you soon learn how to tolerate alcohol," I say. "That and I have had my fair share of nights with my head in a toilet bowl."
We all laugh at this.
"We better getting moving," I say. "I have to be in the fear landscape room in an hour. Let's go get breakfast."
"Sounds good to me," Caleb says. "I will be glad to finally get the chance to eat in the dining hall."
We reach the dining hall and the place is a hive of activity. We walk over to our table and I see that Zeke has already started drinking. He is in the middle of trying to convince Rita to have a sip to help her through her fear landscape.
"Zeke," I say. "Leave the poor girl alone. She has enough to worry about today without being drunk for her final test."
"Come on Four," Zeke whines. "It will do them all good to have a bit."
"Put it away. You will have passed out before the rankings are announced if you keep going on like this," I say.
"Fine," he says.
"This is crazy," says Caleb.
"I know," says Tris. "Don't you just love it?"
"It is definitely more exciting than Erudite ever was," Caleb says.
"There to stuck up to know how to party," says Uriah.
"Just remember you all have to pick a job tomorrow. So think about it today because you don't want to try and pick with a hangover," I say.
"You are in full leadership mode today," says Zeke.
"Yes I am," I say. "Shauna, did you finally pick an apartment?"
"Yes, Zeke was bored by the second one. But eventually I found the one I wanted."
"It is just an apartment Shauna," Zeke says. "I don't know why we had to look through so many. Especially when you picked the first one we had seen in the end."
"Because Zeke," Shauna says. "It isn't often that you get to choose. None of these guys will get to choose their apartments, they will just be given a key and told to go find it. So I wanted to make sure I was happy with my choice."
"I agree with you Shauna," says Christina. "Having a choice of an apartment is exciting."
I tune out of the rest of that conversation. I'm with Zeke on this one. Although I have a really nice apartment so I wouldn't really know.
"I've got to go," I say. "I need to set up the room before you all arrive. Good luck guys."
I turn and give Tris a kiss. "I'll see you soon. You are going to do well," I say.
"Thanks," she says and gives me a hug.
TRIS POV
Tobias leaves and you can see that everyone is starting to realise just how real this is. We only have a couple of hours until initiation is over. We know that we will pass, now we just have to worry about our ranking. Even though I have been offered some amazing choices as jobs, I still have to get a high rank to be able to choose one of them.
"You look nervous," Caleb says.
"I am starting to feel that way," I say. "What if I don't rank well enough and have to take a crappy job?"
"That won't happen," Caleb says.
"How do you know?" I ask.
"Because you have worked so hard for this. Remember I was there for all that work you put in before you got to Dauntless," Caleb says.
"Well now it will be able to help you too," I say. "Lucky Lynn made you participate."
"Yeah. All I can think about is how she knocked me down that time, it scares me that I won't be able to cope with what they make me do in training," Caleb says.
"Well I can help you. We can train together."
"That would be great. Thanks Tris," Caleb says.
We are broken from our private conversation with Lynn announcing that it's time for the Dauntless borns to go. I get up from the table.
"Where are you going?" Christina asks.
"To support my friends," I say.
Caleb and I follow our friends out of the dining hall and up to the fear landscape room. There are benches that we can sit on. But not enough for everyone. Lynn, Caleb and I decide to just sit on the floor. There is so much going on, there are members everywhere. They keep hooting and hollering, it's really crazy. I can see Tobias and the other leaders inside another room. They are getting hooked up to the computers. Then Kat, the Dauntless born who is in last place is called into the room.
I am glad to be sitting on the floor. I can't see what is going on, although Uriah is giving everyone a running commentary of what he thinks is going on. I can see that will get on all our nerves very soon.
"Do you know what job you want?" I ask Lynn.
"Yeah. I have already been offered a job," Lynn says.
"Really? Why didn't you tell me?" I ask.
"Four asked me to keep it a secret until job choosing. They aren't offering the position to anyone else. What about you?"
"That is exciting Lynn. Are you happy with the choice? Max has offered me something as well but I still think I would rather be an ambassador," I say.
"I love the job that I am going to have. The bonus is that I will be living near Shauna and you and Four. Ambassador's good. I think you would be good in the role. You would get a pretty decent apartment with that job," Lynn says.
"I'm moving in with Four," I say. "So I suppose it doesn't really matter what job I get when it comes to apartments."
"Is it really that different?" Caleb asks.
"Not really. The leadership wing is more fancy, bigger rooms nicer appliances. That sort of thing. But really it is what you make it. For my family we have a three-bedroom apartment. Which means I always had to share with Shauna until she went through initiation. But I didn't mind," Lynn says.
"What about you Caleb? Do you have any idea what you are going to do?" Lynn asks.
"I'm hoping that I can still become a doctor. I heard a rumour that there is another initiate who is going to be offered that position as well. So if it's true, then I would have someone to study with. It won't be as bad being in classes with a room full of Erudites because I will have another Dauntless member with me," Caleb says.
"That would be really cool. You know you get amazing apartments if you are working in the infirmary," Lynn says.
"Why is that?" Caleb asks. But I would have asked if he didn't.
"About ten years ago they realised they needed more apartments. Dauntless was growing and instead of having to bore into the walls like they have done with most of the other apartments, they decided to turn the top two floors above the infirmary into apartments. The top floor is for doctors. Which doesn't usually get used that much because we only have one doctor on duty who is a member. The other doctors travel from Erudite. Occasionally they stay over. But there are only four apartments on the top floor and from what I have been told they have panoramic views of the city. The nurses and a few other staff live on the floor below," Lynn says.
"Wow," I say.
"I agree," Caleb says.
"Well we need to look after our infirmary staff, heaven knows we all end up in there at one time or another. The happier the staff the better I reckon," Lynn says.
"Lynn," Tobias calls. Looks like it's Lynn's turn to go in.
"Good luck," I call out as Lynn gets up and moves towards the fear landscape room.
"Hi Tris."
I turn to see Josh standing in front of me.
"Hi Josh," I say.
"Do you mind if I sit?" he asks.
"No, come join us on the floor," I say. Josh sits down. "I don't think you've met my brother Caleb."
"Hi Caleb," he says.
"Josh," Caleb says.
"Josh is the new leader in training," I tell Caleb. "Congratulations by the way," I say to Josh.
"Thanks," Josh says. "You know Tris watching your fear landscape is going to be my first act in leadership.
"So that means you are probably going to remember it for a long time," I say.
"I wouldn't worry about it," Josh says. "Max told me that he wants you for the other leadership position. Do you think you will take it?"
"I don't know. I am leaning towards becoming an ambassador for the faction," I say.
"That would be a great choice," Josh says. "You will be able to see your father a lot if you take that position. You will also get to be out of the compound a lot."
"Do you want to be travelling all the time Tris?" Caleb asks.
"I think it would be interesting. I like the idea of going to the other factions, interacting with other people," I say.
"Well which ever one you choose I think you will be great at it. Four is really proud of you. He has been so much happier since you have been here," Josh says. "We should really get together and have dinner one night. I would love for you to meet my girlfriend."
"That would be nice Josh. I think we will have to wait until everything settles down a bit. Four said that once the trials are over they have decided to have a bit of a celebration," I say.
"Yes. You think today is insane. It is nothing to what Dauntless will be like in a few day's time. Max wants to be able to give everyone a few days off. But they have to stagger it over the week so that we still have Dauntless operational. He wants us to stand united after what has happened. I know it hit Max pretty hard that we had traitors amongst us. He had an idea something was going on but I don't think he ever thought it was this big," Josh says.
"I'm just glad we found out in time," I say.
"Me too," Josh says.
"Josh, Tris," Tobias calls us. "Time to go."
"Good luck Tris," Caleb says and gives me a hug. I am so glad he is here for this, that he will get to see me become a member of Dauntless. Hopefully in a few weeks he will be able to say he is a member as well.
"Good luck Tris," Josh says as he walks over to the other leaders and Lauren hooks him up to the computer.
I stand with Tobias as he injects me with the serum. "Be brave," he says and he walks out of the room. Here goes nothing I think to myself as the room around me changes.
I look down to see the floor has been replaced by long grass. I know what is coming. I hear the swooshing sound of its large wings as it descends towards me. I stand just waiting for the birds talons to start ripping into my shoulder.
I remember what Tobias said, that this is about control. I need to find a way for my heart rate to go down. Fighting the bird isn't going to help. I need to remember what makes me feel powerful. Then I remember the first day that Eric put the gun in my hand. That made me feel powerful.
I crouch down, running my hands through the grass hoping I can find what I am looking for. I can hear the flapping of more birds. I know that I need this to happen quickly, I can't let the birds get to me. Finally, I feel the cold metal and I grab it quickly between my fingers.
I shoot the bird that is still attached to my shoulder. Its talons are digging into my shoulder but before I need to scream from the pain the bird is blown away by the force of my shot. I look up to the sky and see the other birds that are about to attack me.
Before they get the chance to attack I start firing wildly at them. I see them, one by one falling towards the ground and with that I am feeling stronger, I feel I have all the power now and the birds don't stand a chance.
Once that feeling has washed over me I feel the room change and now I am in the Pit. I know what fear this is. It is my fear of weakness. I look and see that all my friends, including Tobias and Caleb, are standing in front of me. I put my hand up and I can feel the glass that is in front of me. I turn and feel the glass as it has formed a box around me.
I hate having to watch my friends think that this is amusing. Then the rushing water starts to fill the box. I know what I can do here. It is exactly what I had to stop myself from doing in the fear simulation. But now in my landscape I am able to manipulate the situation.
I punch the glass but nothing happens. So I raise my leg behind me and kick as hard as I can. Damn still nothing. I look down to see that the water is now at my knees. Do I just wait until it is above my head and let myself drown? No that is not who I am. I close my eyes and imagine that the glass is a very thin sheet of ice.
I open my eyes and look to see that the glass is no longer see through but has now turned to the sheet of ice that I willed it too. I punch as hard as I can and the ice shatters pushing not only the water but me out as well. I fall to my knees grateful to be out of the box and the room goes dark and starts to change again.
I stand still waiting for the next fear to hit me. And it does, literally, in the form of a large wave. I feel the air leaving my lungs as I fall into the largest body of water that I have ever seen. Then I remember I can't swim. I hold my arm out and as the next wave hits me I am pushed onto a rock. I cling as tightly as I can although the surface of the rock is slimy making it hard for me to hold on.
I feel the crash of another wave hit my body as I am slammed into the jagged edge of the rock. I feel the burn from the salt water hitting a cut that has formed from slamming into the rock. I can taste the salt on my lips and feel my clothes clinging to my body. I look to see how I can get out of this situation. Another waves hits and this is when I notice that after the wave has hit and just before the next wave hits me the water seems to disappear from around my body.
I wait for the next wave and after I have recovered enough from the force I pull myself up onto the rock. Silently thanking Lynn for helping me to become a stronger person physically. I don't know how I would have ever pulled myself up if it wasn't for my strength training with Lynn. I jump onto a less jagged rock and start to run away from the waves that have been crashing around me. Then everything changes again. I am standing here with dry clothes, I can no longer feel the taste of salt on my lips.
I look up to see that I am in the dining hall. A large crowd has gathered. It is the largest crowd that I have seen in Dauntless since Choosing Day. I wonder what I am afraid of here. I haven't seen this fear before.
I look around and then I see Max standing on a table, he has a microphone in his hand and he is hushing the crowd. "Caleb Prior," he calls out. I watch as Caleb gets up onto the table next to Max. I look next to me and see that Tobias is standing there. "What is going on?" I ask. "I'm sorry Tris," he says. "I couldn't stop this."
I look back towards Max as he says to Caleb, "Caleb you have not passsed Dauntless initiation. You are now factionless." I let out a scream. No I can't lose Caleb. What can I do? Wait. This isn't real, it's just a simulation. It will be fine. I walk over and grab Caleb's hand. I walk back over to Tobias and say, "Are you coming with us?" He nods his head and we all start to walk out of the dining hall together.
The room changes again and I am back in Abnegation. I walk into the family room and mum and dad are sitting in their normal chairs. While Caleb and Tobias are here too. But they aren't in their Dauntless clothes they are in Abnegation clothes. What? I remember this now.
I turn towards the kitchen and watch as Jeanine Matthews walks toward me with a gun in her hand. "It's time Beatrice," she says handing me the gun.
"I will give you ten seconds to kill your family or I will kill you," she says.
I want this over as quickly as possible. I hate having to watch my family as they beg me to just kill them. So I take the gun from Jeanine and I put the gun to my temple.
"NO!" My mother screams.
I know this is a simulation so I close my eyes and press the trigger. I hear the bang and then nothing. I open my eyes and see that I am now in our apartment. I haven't seen this fear before. I hear noises coming from our bedroom and I walk towards the door. Is that laughter? I walk into the room and see Lynn and Tobias in bed together.
"I'm sorry Tris," Tobias says. "I don't love you like this." And I have to watch as he passionately kisses Lynn. I feel like I am going to throw up. How do I get out of this simulation? Wait, that's right it is only a sim. I need to find a way to calm down. I can feel the tears that are falling down my face but I can't stop them.
This might not be real but it feels real. I need to lower my heart rate but at this moment I don't feel like I could possibly have a heart, it has been shattered into a billion pieces. I do the only thing I think could possibly calm me down, I walk out of the room. I can feel that my breathing isn't calming down, I almost feel I could hyperventilate at any moment.
I need to be able to stop this feeling. I can't get the picture of them kissing out of my head so I run as fast as I can. I know what to do now. I know how to get rid of this feeling. I hear the water before I even get there. I just keep running and once I am there I jump. As I look down and see the rocks with the water swirling menacing around them I think this will give me the peace I need.
I wake to find that I am standing in the middle of the fear landscape room. I can't believe what I just saw. I sit down on the floor and put my hands over my face and cry. I don't have the energy to do anything else. Next thing I know Tobias and Caleb are standing in front of me. I can't look at Tobias it just hurts too much. I know what I witnessed wasn't real but right now it does.
Caleb pulls me up and Tobias puts his arms around me. "Hey it wasn't real," he says.
"It felt it," I say. Holding so tightly to him.
"Congratulations Tris," Max says. "You've done it. It's all over now. I will see you in two hours for the rankings. Four, I need you for a short time so we can finalise the rankings."
"Go with Caleb and I'll meet you at home soon. Okay?" Tobias says.
"Yeah," I say. Tobias kisses the top of my head and then he is gone into the crowd of people.
As Caleb and I walk out of the fear landscape room people start patting me on the back and congratulating me. It isn't the nicest of things. I don't know these people and they all seem to want to touch me. Some don't even have a shirt on. Gross.
We quickly make our way to our apartment and once inside Caleb says, "do you want to talk about it?"
"Not right now. I think I just want to lay down for a bit," I say. I know that if I am going to tell Caleb about my fears then Tobias should know what they were as well. I don't want to have to tell the story twice so Caleb can just wait. I feel exhausted and just want to rest for a bit.
I walk into our room and I hear a sob come from my mouth. I can't believe how much that last fear is affecting me.
"Caleb," I call out. "I'm going to be in the other spare room if you need me."
I can't stand the thought of going into Tobias and my room, the memory of the sim is just to raw. With that I walk into the spare room and lie my head on the pillow and I am quickly taken into sleep.