Well. Im back to Itachi pov again. Sigh. Sorry about taking forever. Thank you for all of the lovely reviews, especially epicjirachifan. She reviewed all 17 chapters.
Also- This chapter was also Beta'd by Darth Taisha. Thank you so so so much, Am, for doing this for me. :D :D :D :D! Kiss, Kiss, Kiss X1000!
Of Feelings
It was strange. It was very, very strange. It confused him, a confusion that was a borderline panic. These thoughts, these feelings, these urges. Itachi had never had urges before. He had always ostracised himself into total discipline; a feat that was considered impossible to all other humans. So... why was his control diminishing as time passed?
He could always blame it on his disease, on the sickness that had been slowly spreading, and eating him inside out. Excuses were always easy to find. Except, he himself did not believe in that; it was in no way logical. How could an illness such as this one addle one's thoughts? Especially when it was originally based on the lungs and eyes... it made no sense.
So no, if he was being truthful with himself, that thought would have to be eliminated. And he could probably find thousands of other excuses, but they did not help with the problem: his feelings upon seeing the Hyuuga.
Lately, whenever he saw her, he had gotten this weird urge to... touch her. To reach out, brush his fingers along her hand, hair, shoulder, anywhere. Not only that, no, it got worse. He had these strange impulses to see her, and to be near her. This had never happened before. And it only got worse when he realized that there was no one he could discuss this... strangeness... with.
It had all started the night when he had figured out the truth, and had connected the dots upon their similarities. She, just like him, had been a subject to her family's betrayal. Itachi did not know many of the details, but one could always assume. Although Itachi couldn't believe that he hadn't guessed of it before he had come to the logical conclusion when he heard her wretched screams and wistful mumblings.
Her screams. A sound that would be impossible to forget; Hinata was normally quiet, and her voice had never risen to such heights. To hear her scream, someone that he had already spent a year with, to put it frankly, was quite chilling. A sound forever imprinted on his mind.
That night, aside from himself learning new aspects about her, he had let himself slip. He had shared his own past (not many details, mind you), with a non-Uchiha. His compassion had leaked out, a stark change to the stoic demeanor that he had garnered before. For the first time in his life, he had willingly shared a piece of himelf. Was it so wrong to say that it felt exulting, and that he didn't care about the repercussions that may come from it? Then again, he could always hold his own knowledge against her.
The more they worked with each other following that, the more he had started noticing subtle details about her that one usually misses, and that he had missed purposely before, due to his prejudice blinding him. The noble way in which she drinks her tea; manners instilled to her since birth. The predatory way her eyes scan the desolated wilderness. The way her hair shines after a fresh bath.
Small things that one would usually not care enough to notice. Small things that were boggling his mind, making him go insane with their hints and suggestions.
But all of that didn't matter, not really. He had to suppress these feelings, these hideous emotions. His father had taught him to stay stoic, and to never show emotions. He had said that it was a weakness, and Itachi agreed. It was a weakness. It led to death in battle. It must be avoided.
Even if you instil all of those ideas in your mind, there still is no way to crush emotions. Not completely. Itachi had learned that, when he failed in killing his younger brother. He just simply couldn't kill Sasuke. But he couldn't dwell on that topic now, not when a hideous cough was rising in his throat.
His hands stumbled towards his medicine bottle, his throat eagerly gulping down the bitter pill. The relief that flourished afterwards was relaxing. From taking pills once a week, he was now taking at least two every day. These pills, as relieving as they were, reminded him.
Reminded him that his precious time was running out. Therefore, he could not ponder about these feelings.
A hologram of Pein appeared before him, startling him out of his thoughts. His stoic face strayed upon Pein's, taking note of his grim, and emotionally dead face. "You have a new mission," Pein stated, as Itachi nodded in understanding. "You are to find, capture, and return the Four Tails to headquarters."
Itachi lifted a curious eyebrow. "I thought that we were to do side assignments for the betterment of Akatsuki?" He asked and unlike the last time, he was not as strained and tense over the assignment. It didn't require Konoha, and it was highly unlikely that he would have to battle against his brother like the last time.
"You are, but we are only speeding up the process. Look in Iwa," Pein muttered, before his image slowly disappeared. He didn't have to stay more than necessary, Itachi supposed. Dropping himself into a solemn meditative position (a thing he began doing more often, the longer time that was spent with Hinata) he forced his mind to come to a more relaxed state of being. It was highly probable that at this moment, Pein was informing Hinata of the mission, and that she would arrive in his room soon enough.
He was right, before five minutes even passed by, Hinata arrived in his room, a blank mask in place, carrying a backpack on her shoulders. In a flash, they had both exited the Akatsuki hide out, and were running far away, heading towards the North West. At a steady pace, they continued to travel for hours.
The silences between them were no longer awkward. In fact, sometimes, a light conversation was achieved. But it was still too soon, and they were only beginning to trust each other still. Itachi would sometimes wish that they talked more often, but immediately cursed himself afterwards. There was no need for them to talk more. He had over talked, as it was. So, Itachi kept a firm seal on his mouth, but was quite surprised when it was Hinata who spoke first. How strange. Even with them confessing truths to each other, she usually kept silent. Force of habit, if Itachi had to guess.
"Itachi-san... are there any side effects to the Sharingan?" Hinata asked, her voice blank, but somehow exceedingly careful. Itachi didn't know what to think. Could she know? Could she know of the illness that he had been hiding so well? A slight, strange and very rare panic arose in his chest. Could she know of his weakness? Would she think that he was weak?
For reasons unknown, that thought sent a large lump in Itachi's throat. A lump that had only been there when his parents were alive. Because when he was younger, the Uchiha had always engrained into his mind the danger of being weak. How horrid it was. Back then, his father had held his respect... and he could in no way, shape or form, disappoint him. And that was how it had been - he had never disappointed his father. Not with weakness, at least. With his disloyalty to the clan, probably. But the clan disappointed him first, and by then, he was too numb to really feel anything, but purpose for peace.
"Why do you ask?" Itachi answered back, with an unnaturally (even for him) blank tone. They were still running, but both had enough stamina to talk while doing so.
"To compare it with the Byakugan," Hinata replied easily, her tone still carefully blank. They were both treading on thin ice, that much was obvious. Itachi relaxed slightly, but not much. She wasn't certain of his disease, but she probably suspected. And even if she knew of it, her aura was not hostile, or negative in any shape or form. It was simply neutral, neither here nor there.
"Yes," he replied, truthful. "But it is nothing to worry about." A white lie that couldn't really harm anybody but himself. Itachi then shifted the conversation around. "What about the Byakugan?"
"No." Hinata told him, her eyes focused on the forest around her. "Not unless you over use it, which depends on the person." Much like the Sharingan, but, there was that theory that the Sharingan originated from the Byakugan... and Itachi always thought that it was a logical possibility.
Itachi, not wanting to collapse back into the dreary, but comfortable silence, asked, "Have you ever over used it?" It was a safe question. It was obvious that he was rambling, but at least he wasn't asking stupid questions.
"Maybe," Hinata answered vaguely, but then attempted to extend the conversation. "Have you?"
"Yes. Many times," Itachi confessed, deciding that sharing this particular piece of information could do him no harm. "Mostly when I was young, and in training."
Itachi's eyes observed hers as they widened in surprise. Her face quickly went back to her usual façade. She must have been startled at the fact that he actually told the truth. Clearly, at that. After that, no further conversation was attempted by either of them.
Itachi determined that he was to enjoy the silence. There would be many opportunities to talk as they searched and researched the Four Tails.
After three days of running, they had arrived to the borders of the Country of Earth. Itachi quickly glanced at Hinata, who nodded in agreement. From this point onwards, they would have to tread rather carefully. Hinata activated her Byakugan, and they continued running (swiftly and silently... a dangerous combination).
When they were at the outskirts of Iwa, it was then that Itachi stopped Hinata, signaling that they had to transform into their guises. Hinata nodded, and quickly created a genjutsu around herself, making herself look like a middle aged lady with brown hair and eyes (the normal in Iwa). Itachi copied her.
As a middle aged couple, they continued their journey. Fifteen minutes away from the gate of Iwa, they stopped, and started a stroll, as expected of a middle aged couple. Itachi moved to forge a fake document that would allow then to pass without problems, but Hinata moved her hand to stop him. Itachi raised a questioning eyebrow, but she only shook her head.
"I'll take care of it, honey." If Itachi had been drinking something, he would have spit it out. Why honey? It then dawned to him that there was a foreign chakra around them. She was only saving face. A strange disappointment lathered in Itachi's chest, but he quickly shook it off. Instead, he scolded himself on not noticing the chakra before her. Then again, he had to take into account that her range was further than his.
He had to play along, though. "It's okay, sweetie," he reassured, his eyes darting to the foliage. Two seconds later, the strange spy had been taken care of by one of his more confusing genjutsu. As he then proceeded to continue forging the document, Hinata stopped him, yet again.
"I really will take care of it. I've wanted to try one of my newer techniques in a long time," she insisted, and Itachi gave in, wondering what this 'technique' was. Together, hand in hand, they strolled towards the gate.
A guard, donned in the Iwa uniform, eyed them suspiciously. Hinata smiled amiably at him, which instantly relaxed the uptight guard. Itachi ignored the irrational bloom of jealousy. Why was he getting jealous over something such as a smile? And why was he getting jealous in the first place? Itachi shook those thoughts away as he surveyed Hinata.
She reached out to the guard, and held his hand. The guard gave her a confused look, but shrugged off the contact. Itachi's eyes widened slightly, his Sharingan unwittingly activating (the genjutsu masking it to all but Hinata and himself). His Sharingan perceived as Hinata stole around six percent of the guard's bodily fluids, making him dizzy and unstable. "Y-you may p-pass." The dehydrated guard muttered as his hand searched for a water bottle. "D-damn, I'm t-thirsty." So thirsty that he forgot to check their non-existent documents, it seemed.
Itachi itched to question Hinata about the technique that she just showed, but discipline and ninja instinct held him back. They were no longer alone, they were on Iwa territory. He deactivated his Sharingan, and they blended in with the Iwa civilians seamlessly. He let Hinata search for the inn, trusting her judgment and Byakugan.
They arrived at the inn, and had no problems obtaining a room. Their disguises stayed on; not only were the Akatsuki becoming more well-known, but Iwa was a ninja village, and people could recognize them here more easily than in the Country of Tea. It would be much more dangerous to go around Iwa without any genjutsu, even though keeping up the genjutsu was exhausting (for long periods of time).
That meant that they had to keep it up even in their own rooms, their own space. And if they were a couple... it also meant that they would have to share a bed. To not seem suspicious. "Well." Itachi said uncomfortably, his hand uncharacteristically going to ruffle his brown hair. "What side of the bed is yours?" Thankfully, Hinata understood.
"The right," she said, and while her tone was blank, the awkwardness she was feeling was discernible.
Itachi nodded. It had been a long day, and the sun was setting. It was time to go to sleep, to wake up early tomorrow. But, before that, they needed to make a plan.
Not that Itachi didn't already have one. He planned on infiltrating the Iwa ninja ANBU, and getting his hands on the files which would let him find out where the Four Tails was, and who exactly was the Jinjuuriki. He wondered why Zetsu didn't find out more, but then again, Pein must have deduced that there were more important things to search.
Itachi quickly created a sound barrier around the room. Quickly detecting it, Hinata turned and faced him, her eyes demanding answers.
"The plan for tomorrow," Itachi said, starting up the topic…
"Is to replace two ANBU, and take the Tsuchikage's special files," Hinata interrupted, much to Itachi's shock. Usually, no one argued against his plans, and just went along with him.
"While I agree with that," Hinata mentioned, her tone smooth, "Wouldn't it be better to check to Iwa library first? You would be surprised at how many secrets hide there. If we find nothing in the archives, then I shall proceed with your plan."
"Hm. Fine." Itachi nodded, seeing the logic. Between them both, they would only waste around a day surfing the library for clues. If nothing was found, there was no loss, because of his well-thought out back up plan.
After visiting the bathroom and taking his medicine, Itachi drowsily headed towards the left side of the bed. He slipped into the covers, his eyes focused on the ceiling, wishing that his nightmares would refrain from tormenting him tonight. Hinata soon joined him, the covers rustling in her wake.
His eyes closed, and a blissful darkness enveloped him. He felt himself to be holding something warm... and he hadn't felt such a feeling since that night (when he had betrayed the Uchiha). He ignored his nagging thoughts, and instead relished his restful sleep.
Unfortunately, he was a light sleeper, and felt the warm object slip out of his arms. His eyes opened in slight alarm, and relaxed when it was only Hinata getting out of bed. But that meant... that the questionable object he had held comfortably in his arms... was Hinata? He closed his eyes tightly, deep in thought.
He could not fool himself any longer. He was beginning to develop... feelings... for Hinata. It was extremely evident, especially after he had subconsciously held Hinata. A sign of trust, of all things. He suddenly felt ludicrous for not realizing earlier. Of course he trusted Hinata... how could he not, after sharing his problematic past, something he had not shared with anyone else? He could not trust Sasuke, his own little brother, the way he trusted Hinata, a stranger. And now he felt guilty for mentally calling him a stranger, which was beyond ridiculous.
There wasn't meant to be any trust in Akatsuki. They were just a group of strangers, all supposedly heading towards one shared goal: peace (with just a sprinkle of world domination). Not only a group of strangers, a group of incredibly powerful criminals. Which made this situation all the worse.
Not only that, he felt his emotions evolve. Not only did he trust her... but he was also attracted to her. Attracted to someone five years his junior, someone who could have been his little sister. It was clear, now that he looked at everything with a calm and neutral mind. So damn clear.
The clarity didn't matter. He would do his best to rid himself of these needless emotions. He would destroy them before they became known; he would make sure that it was like they never existed. Until he managed to completely obliterate them, he would conceal them. Away from her, and away from everyone else except himself.
"Itachi?" Hinata asked in a soft, blank tone. "What's wrong?"
He must have been contemplating this longer than he thought. "Nothing." He shook his head, as if shaking away the torrent of thoughts. She only nodded. "We must get going." Itachi murmured, unwillingly getting out of the warm bed.
Hinata only nodded, and left him alone to get ready. Twenty minutes later, they were on their way to the library. They were, at least, before Hinata stopped him, and led him to a dango stand. There, she got three sticks: one for her, and two for him (for breakfast). A warmth invaded his senses as he nibbled on his dango. She had not forgotten his passion for the sweets.
They continued their way to the library (the big building next to the Kage tower that was impossible to miss) with their stomachs filled. There were no problems blending in with the rest of the civilians there; in fact, it was frighteningly easy. At least Konoha was not like that, Itachi reassured himself.
It was an easy entrance to the library. Upon going in, Itachi's nose was filled with the musky smell of old books. It created a level of comfort that Itachi hadn't felt in a long time.
When he was younger (around seven or so) Itachi would spend his days in the library, soaking in the words of the wise. It was a favourite past time, one that his father had scoffed at, many times. In his opinion, his days would have been spent better training. Itachi couldn't help but disagree. You had to have developed enough of a mentality to withstand the training, something you could easily do by reading. Itachi had concluded that reading was an implausibly resourceful thing.
"I'll take on the right side of the library, you take the left. I also have to research something else," Hinata muttered, just loud enough for Itachi to hear. He was glad that she had become verbal enough to share such things with him. In the beginning, she barely spoke three words a day.
"I understand," he replied, and she was gone, walking towards section 'H' Itachi stared at her retreating back. These feelings - they were appearing again, these feelings that were frustrating Itachi. He knew that he had a goal to destroy them. But how?
He himself had something to research, something that he would have to withhold from Hinata. He would just have to check the 'F' section before investigating any information on the Four Tails.
I'm so so so sorry for the long wait. It must have seemed like I was dead. :/ Maybe I was. Truth is, I was working on another fiction, For The Best, and I was stuck on this chapter, and... enough of my excuses. I'll try updating the next chapter faster. I've made a Tumblr, though, check it out on my account! I hope this chapter didn't disappoint you too much. Itachi's just coming to terms with his feelings.
Review, Review, Review,
Aurora-chan!