Important note. Edited by Tamani 12/01/15.
Guilt
It felt as though Hinata's mind was in pandemonium; racing at the same rate that she was going through the trees. It almost felt like it was too much - too much was happening all at once. And she didn't like it. She didn't like it at all.
She felt - she didn't even know how to feel anymore. Should she feel betrayed? Stupid? Regretful? She didn't even know anymore. And she hadn't told Itachi everything, either. She didn't think she could admit it. She didn't think that she could admit it, even to herself.
Up until this present point in time, she had always thought of the Hyuuga as 'bad' and Konoha as 'good'. She had always thought that if she had killed and massacred the Hyuuga (herself, preserving their pride) it meant that innocent citizens of Konoha could survive, now that she had thwarted the evil and greedy Hyuuga. She had thought - she didn't even know what she had thought anymore. Too much. Too much all at once.
As she had read through the Hyuuga history and then through the other two scrolls - she had understood the primary reason why the Hyuuga had rebelled in the first place; even though it had been the Branch, and not the Main.
And the thing about Branch houses and Main houses - it wasn't even the same back then as it was now. Before her grandfather was born, it wasn't about who was 'born first' or other such discriminating nonsense - it was who had the strongest bloodline, who was the strongest, in general. The best fighter (definitely wouldn't be her). If it had been now as it was then, Neji would have been the Main house, and she the Branch - and there would be no agony or quarrel about it, because if she wished, she would have worked harder to beat Neji. To improve, without the drastic prompting that had been given to her when she heard of the coup d'état.
Which meant that her grandfather had been the strongest - and he had become the Main branch.
But Konoha had been afraid of the Hyuuga's powers - they had completely cut them off from main events and privileges for the strong, even though they had been strong. Much like the Uchiha, Konoha had been afraid and treated the Hyuuga like the outcasts they weren't.
In the beginning, when the Hyuuga saw that, they had tried to peacefully move - and yet, they weren't allowed to do so by the Hokage. Because in his eyes, he'd be losing a major asset - and of course, he couldn't allow that to happen. And yet, when they were stopped, the treatment they'd gotten hadn't been improved.
The Hyuuga were angry. The Branch were angry. They refused to tell the Main that what they had planned - maybe because they knew that the Main were almost like Konoha's dogs - and proceeded with their plans. But when the Main found out, they'd been angry, and they went ahead and told the Hokage - completely destroying what was left of the Hyuuga's pride.
So they systematically punished the Hyuuga, on top of everything - not only trying to divide them with the Caged Bird Seal (so they fought amongst themselves and no one else) but trying to make them obedient only to Konoha, too. The Main house would continue on through blood and not power… Creating so many unjust destinies and anger and sorrow. Neji could be one prime example to that.
But as Hinata had recently learned, the Caged Bird Seal wasn't the only seal that was used to secure the secret of the Hyuuga rebellion and their punishment - the Hyuuga themselves were sealed, too. Anyone who knew of it was forbidden to speak of it - and if they did, repercussions would follow, similar to the ones of the Caged Bird Seal.
The Hyuuga, humiliated and beyond angry, bid their time in wait so they could revolt once more.
And maybe that was one of the greatest ironies: once more, the Hyuuga were brought down by one of their own, the Main house, Hyuuga Hinata - in a vain attempt to protect Konoha when it seemed like it was the Hyuuga who needed protection in the first place.
And if that wasn't enough: it appeared like the Uchiha originally stole the Hyuuga's idea for a coup d'état - if it weren't for them, they might still be living peacefully in Konoha now. Indirectly, it was their fault for the Uchiha's misfortune. Indirectly, it was her fault for Itachi's pain.
Looking at him now, running by her side, she felt her gut clench with guilt.
If she had known this, if she had known all of it prior to the massacre, would she have still gone through with it? Would she have still innocently defended Konoha while slaughtering her own kin?
It scared her to know that she wasn't sure. She simply wasn't.
Because before - maybe it was because of the image that they themselves painted - she had always thought of the Hyuuga as cold, unfeeling monsters (maybe everyone except Hanabi). Power-hungry and greedy; ready to destroy anything and anyone that got in their way. She had always thought that that was the reason why they had never included her in their schemes - but, she now realised, it had all been assumptions.
What if the reason why they hadn't involved her in the first place was because of her age? What if it was because she simply wasn't old enough? If she concentrated on thinking back to her battle against Neji (something which she hated thinking about) - he never seemed fully aware of what was going on. Did that mean that he was also excluded because of his age? Certainly, he was powerful enough to be told - but he was simply never old enough. The Hyuuga didn't want them to be punished if their plans went awry.
Scowling, Hinata bit her lip. She was assuming again - she didn't have facts, she didn't have figures. Now if she could, she'd give anything to go back to that time - that time where she thought that Konoha's fate rested on her shoulders. What she'd give in order to tell her younger self to not be rash and overly-emotional - maybe she could have resolved everything peacefully.
But yet again, she couldn't get ahead of herself. At the time, she was simply a child - a child whom was viewed as useless and worthless. Even if she had known, would she really be able to prevent the rebellion? It was highly doubtful; and besides, how could a mere child quell the anger of generations? And even today, it seemed as if Konoha didn't even want to admit that they wronged her clan - instead, preferring it to be kept under lock and key, a secret. Their security over the scrolls must have been loosened now that there were only two Hyuuga left… Her 'far-away' self, and Hanabi, who was probably barely a Chunin.
They weren't a threat at all, Hinata thought bitterly. Maybe she was, but even now that she was part of the Akatsuki, she was still vastly being underestimated - was it because they weren't present at the time she had let her power loose?
It was useless… It was beyond useless dwelling on 'what-if' scenarios. And still, Hinata couldn't help but do so - couldn't help but think, what if she'd known, or what if her family was still alive, or what if she never had to kill them?
But more than anything - her chief regret - was how she had spent her time. As a frightened ten year old child, she had focused on gaining power, with a fixed goal in mind - what if she had researched more? Both the circumstances and reasons? She had acted so brashly - and repeated history once more.
Except that this time, there was one major change: the Hyuuga clan was almost completely eradicated. Only she and Hanabi were left - and if Hinata continued working as an S class ninja for an S class criminal organisation, she didn't know how long she'd last. Not long enough to reproduce, certainly.
And then, another thought came to mind: what if Konoha had known all along?
Looking back at it now, Hinata wouldn't be able to restrain herself from scoffing. There was no way this could be completely hidden from Konoha - they must have known something. A chill crept up her spine - and if they had, had they just allowed her to do as she had planned? Was she intentionally manipulated into murdering her clan? Without her even knowing?
No matter what, one thing was for certain: her faith and loyalty in Konoha had just took a steep nosedive. There was no way that she would continue working undercover for them as part of the Akatsuki - even the Akatsuki were more trustworthy that Konoha was. Definitely. Currently, there was no way for her to betray the red clouds for the leaves.
Her mind was still blank, trying to process everything at once. It was just too much - everything and nothing.
But another thing was for certain, too; the man that was running besides her could no longer be trusted.
His loyalty had explicitly been to Konoha only - above his clan, above everyone and everything (maybe except Sasuke). If she changed her own loyalties, that would mean that Itachi would become her enemy.
Did she want that?
Shaking her head, Hinata couldn't help but blink incredulously. When had Itachi become so important that he had to be considered along with her ideals? Even if he was one of her only companions (that she had ever had) that didn't mean that he couldn't be forsaken for her goals.
As sad as Hinata felt at the thought, it was time to start distancing herself from him. That was for certain.
Glancing at him from the peripherals of her vision, she could just make out his contemplative onyx eyes fixed on her figure. Damn him - he was already catching on. However - Hinata couldn't - or wouldn't - let him. Instantly, her eyes and her face had become a blank slate, readable to none.
They only had thirty minutes until they arrived at their destination, anyway - Hinata had thought through most of the time spent running. And the rest of it, well: Hinata would make sure to think and feel nothing. It was a sort of relaxation method that worked; most of the time.
When they did arrive to the secret hide-out, it was Itachi who unlocked the entrance, gallantly gesturing her inside. Hinata would have smiled bitterly if she could - it was exactly these kinds of things that Itachi did that made it so much harder for her to just cast him aside. Harder - but not impossible. No, almost nothing was truly impossible. Unconsciously, her hands gripped her locket that was nestled in between her breasts.
Upon entering the Akatsuki base they separated, each going to their individual rooms. It was obvious that they were intending to rest after such a draining journey; they also had to build up their energy for Gaara when he arrived. At the very latest, he would arrive by dawn tomorrow (that was the time that they had originally planned to return... it was evening now). Knowing Sasori, that was exactly the time that they would arrive - just as the sun was peeking above the horizon. It had always baffled Hinata - the way Sasori coveted punctuality.
That thought made way for another, one that she had been trying to avoid: Gaara.
His name sent her into a conglomeration of memories - both good and bad. She hadn't known him well enough to have really been able to connect with his personality; and if it was her past self, she was sure that she'd have been afraid of him. But the one thing that struck out the most - in the only real conversation they have ever had - was the way that he referred to himself as a 'monster'. That he had been a monster, not the One Tails inside him. She remembered reassuring him that it was not so; he was just as human his teammates were. The only difference was that he was a powerful vessel and they weren't.
And now she felt like a hypocrite that can't even abide by her own standards: she was persecuting Gaara for the exact same reason that the other people around him were. Maybe she was worse than a hypocrite; after all, she'd be effectively killing Gaara, while others had only meagrely tried to. Somehow, it was much, much worse.
And, she wasn't sure when and how and why she'd found out - but she knew that Naruto was a Jinchuuriki. So was Gaara. Naruto's dream had been to become the Hokage - Gaara had already become the Kazekage. Naruto was an orphan; from the information acquired about Gaara, she knew he was one, too (she didn't really think that Temari and Kankuro counted). Really, they lived parallel lines; they were only two sides of the same coin.
In a way, if she sealed Gaara, she'd effectively be sealing Naruto. Naruto was the Nine Tails Jinchuuriki: he was also one of Akatsuki's targets. One of her own targets - because, with the mindset she had now, she might as well be completely loyal to the Akatsuki. Killing Gaara was a kind of preparation to her killing Naruto.
She wasn't sure she could do that. He was one of her primary inspirations - he was one of the reasons why she had sought to protect Konoha as hard as she had. Because of sunny blonde hair and vivid blue eyes that had always brightened up her day; because of boisterous laughter and endless dreaming and the courage to never give up.
Without him, she'd have never found the resolve to do what she did.
And maybe in a way, she indirectly blamed him, too - if he wasn't there, she'd be more hesitant, more afraid. Without him, she wouldn't have been as loyal to Konoha - wouldn't have had to live through the guilt she was living through now. But it was unfair to blame Naruto for something she herself did; she knew it was the coward's way out, that it was weak, beyond weak. Hinata despised weakness.
The only one that was to blame was herself. The only one she could be angry at was herself. Of course, her trust in Konoha was completely shattered and non-existent - but that didn't mean that Konoha were to blame for her mistakes. Because she wasn't perfect (far from it) and most of the things that went wrong ended up being her fault. All her fault.
Hinata never thought that she'd be having these regrets. She'd never thought that there would come a day where she'd have to second guess herself and fully face the things she had. Because, to be honest, after the massacre, she'd done her best to forget it ever happened in the first place - reminding herself that it was done and dusted, the right thing to do.
Of course, she couldn't allow herself to be so self-absorbed, and always reminded herself that she was guilty, and that she bore an unsurmountable sin; that fact couldn't and wouldn't ever be changed. There was no forbidden time travel jutsu that made one go back in time; if there was, it would have been discovered a long time ago. Because she was sure that everyone had something that they wanted to change. Some more so than others.
Finding herself beyond exhausted, she laid herself onto her bed to sleep. Hopefully, she would be able to have a restful sleep that night instead of dreaming about something frightfully realistic. Most of the time, she thought her dreams to be more than dreams; she still hadn't been able to figure out exactly why she thought so.
But, as always, nothing ever went the way she wished it to. That very night, she discovered her dreams to be just as vivid as the ones from the night before - and the subject of her dream remained the same: Shikamaru. Hinata wondered why she dreamt of Shikamaru so much; he had always been a rather bland and tasteless entity that only existed in the very back of her memory.
While Hinata had always been aware of his intelligence, she'd also always been aware of his lazy attitude. To be quite honest, she had always pegged him as someone who wouldn't even graduate the Academy - after all, he was too lazy to put any real effort in. No matter how talented and genius one was, it would be wasted if they didn't put in the effort to expand it.
But in that particular dream, she found herself watching Shikamaru who was watching clouds. Hinata herself couldn't possibly understand what was so exciting about cloud watching - they were simply inanimate objects that changed shapes every once in a while - but it seemed like Shikamaru did. What was more interesting than the clouds themselves was Shikamaru's expression - which was beyond concentrated and contemplative.
Somehow, Hinata had a sinking feeling that he was thinking about her and Itachi, and the 'familiar' voices he had heard just the day before. Suddenly, it was like a lightbulb flickered to life in his eyes - and he almost instantaneously sprang to his feet. Hinata had a faint idea of where he was heading - the Hokage Tower (to report to Tsunade) - but she also felt relieved that this happened earlier that day, and by this time, her and Itachi were a long way into their journey back to the secret Akatsuki base.
And it also seemed like at that moment, Shikamaru wasn't very inclined to report anything, either - as two ANBU had appeared by his side, summoning him to where his original destination was - the Hokage Tower. Hinata could only guess that Shikamaru was about to be informed of Gaara's crisis... She wasn't sure whether he'd be appointed to go on that mission, but she was certain that he'd help to strategically create the best team possible to complete the job.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, she wasn't able to bear witness to his reaction to the news - as three very large chakra signatures disrupted her slumber and awoke her. All three of the chakra were monstrous, and all three familiar. Two were part of the Akatsuki. One wasn't.
And even though Hinata had been expecting (dreading) the arrival of the last chakra, she couldn't help the way her stomach twisted or the way her mouth tasted bitter, filled with regret and helplessness and guilt.
While this has nothing to do with the story, the announcement is as following: one of my friends that I met through fan fiction recently died from cancer. Ray was an amazing person, and I mourn her death greatly. I think that I'd like to dedicate this fic - the entirety of it - to her.
Ray, I hope you're happy, wherever you are - and I do hope that I'll meet you when I die. I wish I had met you before you died. I'm sorry, and thank you for everything that you've done for me.
I know this is personal and shouldn't be put up in a story, but I think that this particular thought deserves it.