You're looking at the soul floating in front of you but not really seeing it. Your vision of the world has completely cracked with your mind, leaving it broken and warped. The only thing you can process is how scared you feel and how all you need is to get rid of what's trying to hurt you, which in your unhinged state seems to be everything.
Your whole body is tense, head and arms twitching every other minute in a contraction of muscles you can't quite control. You get to your feet and take a step closer to your soulmate, not exactly knowing that it's him, but even if you did, would it matter? Sans has his doubts at the moment. He feels like he can't move as you approach him, a pained expression on his face, fearful of what you will choose to do.
Those two words are still swimming in your mind, and you feel like it isn't much of a choice. You've never been given a choice before.
"Fight or die." The words ring through your brain and you cringe ever so slightly, the tone harsh and demanding.
"You can't kill me. You don't have it in you." The voice taunts. You feel like you've heard all of this before, but you can't really pinpoint the time or place, mistaking it as coming from the person whose soul you're looking at. But the voice in your head, uttering them, is familiar. And it makes you feel angry and sad all at the same time, but mostly wrathful. You feel like you need to prove that voice wrong, show it what you're actually capable of.
Sans gasps when you grab the soul in your hand, with every intent to crush it between your fingers, ready to squeeze it as hard as you possibly can. The tug in your chest of your own soul desperately reaching for his goes ignored behind all the voices whispering in your head.
From across the room, Gaster's holed hands twitch, itching to summon a blaster and scorch you to hell. Sans stares straight into your eyes that are still fixed on the culmination of his being, which you are now holding. He's fooling himself, most likely, but he thinks he sees you be almost careful with your movements. He knows that he will never hurt you, even if it's his life on the line. But he doesn't want to just accept his fate either and wait for you to kill him, he wants to show you how much he still cares. He puts his good hand to your cheek, the other still dripping red onto the floor, blood smeared all over his clothes. You flinch away from his touch, irate that he'd try anything when you could easily end him.
"I will always love you." Is all he can think to say to you, before you undoubtedly crush the cyan heart as you had in his nightmare.
You stop yourself from tightening your grip at the sound of those words, loosening it only slightly instead. The voice seems to reverberate within you and the pitch and tone twists to a different one. You twitch once again, looking up at his face. The images in your brain are morphed from the ones in front of you. There's so much blood still, but the person you're seeing isn't the same that you're looking at. You see a smiling woman, dark circles under her eyes, sweat matted on her long hair. Your breathing gets faster as does your heartbeat and you step backwards, still not letting go of the heart in your hands, eyes wide with horrified shock.
The shrill cry of a new-born baby pierces into your ears and you try to cover them with your free hand in an effort to block it but to no avail, as the sound is coming from inside your memories. Tears prickle your eyes and you don't know why.
"Listen to me, you're my little shining star okay? Don't ever forget that. I hope you bring light to a lot of people's lives." That same person you saw and heard tell you that she loved you says. Her voice is sweet and caring and it's tearing you apart. You shake your head vehemently. She's lying, she can't care about you, because no one does. You're an abomination, a freak. You're useless. Why would anyone want you? You're only good for one thing and that is to destroy.
"Stop being so useless." Another voice sounds in your brain, like all the others, a child's voice, cruel, you know it but you can't remember where from. But it's right, this one's telling the truth, that's what you deserve to hear. It's joined by a merciless chorus of insults and harsh words.
A low growl forms at your throat as you step closer to Sans yet again, you want to finally crush the soul and end this madness but your muscles won't budge, your hand trembling as you stare at the small skeleton still seeing that woman's face. You scream in frustration, a sharp sound laced with anguish, fresh tears falling down your cheeks. A scar forms in Sans' soul from how much the scene hurts and breaks him, despite you not actually having done anything to it, not yet.
"Be good will you? Always show mercy to those who need it most. Take care of those in need. Be kind like I taught you to be." The sweet voice sounds again and you squeeze your eyes shut, crying as loud as you can to try and stop the words. "And never give up on your happiness, my star. I will always love you… I will always be with you…" It sounds almost as if she's fading away with each thing she says.
You sob. In your chest it feels like your soul is breaking. It hurts so much. You feel like you've lost something, something important. Both monsters are staring at you with wary eyes, unsure of what's happening inside your head, but certain that it's painful. Sans is still aching to hold you in his arms but he can't with how you're clasping his soul in your hands, just tight enough to make it too hard to move, not quite enough to kill him.
You drop to your knees and glance up at your soulmate's face, the woman's no longer there, faded just like her voice. But his expression holds the same emotions, the same compassion and… love… You feel disgusted. Why would anyone love you? It can't be true. It's a cruel joke, only to make you feel safe just to hurt you more in the long run. You can't be happy. You're not meant to be happy. You don't have a choice. The other voices in your head are sneering and hissing, telling you how worthless you are.
Those two words are back. Fight, uttered by the cruel and cold man, Mercy, begs the sweet and kind woman. You don't have a choice. You don't… But you choose mercy anyway.
You let go of the soul, weeping, wailing, the screams that leave you are those of someone who just watched their entire world burn. The cyan heart returns to Sans, he places it where it belongs. He goes to reach for you, but you want to go away and disappear. The other voices start screaming at you and you bend forwards, hiding your head between your legs and placing your arms over the back of it, still crying and hoping your howls will drown them out. But no matter how loud you bawl, they just ring higher in your brain.
You don't feel safe, everything is still a threat, and so if you choose not to fight you'll have to flee, despite the voices shouting at you to hurt, to maim, to kill and destroy. As Sans is getting closer an image forms in your mind of lying on the ground underneath a star-filled sky, a swing set close by. You feel magic envelop your soul until that image is no longer just in your head. Suddenly, you're back at the park you collapsed on when you fled your torturer's grasp.
Still at the lab Sans and Gaster watch you blink out of existence right in front of their eyes and the small skeleton cries out for you, shouting for you to come back, to not leave him again. The fact that he can still feel your presence in his soul is next to no comfort as he falls to his hand and knees an anguished yell coming out of him, eye sockets wide and void of light.
"I need to go after her." Sans mutters, voice cracking.
"With what energy?" Gaster retorts, causing the other to sigh in defeat.
He puts his hand to his chest once more, his mind easing the slightest bit from the fact that he doesn't feel like you're in any immediate danger. Scared and disturbed, certainly, but not in harm's way. At least not for now. And so Sans sits back on his ankles, against the desire in his bones to ignore his ever growing exhaustion and depleting health to find you and take you home.
Gaster approaches your soulmate and takes his injured hand, using some of his magic to heal the gaping wound. The hole will remain, as his did, but at least it'll stop bleeding, and the pain will subside, if only a little. His right hand will be pretty much useless for the next couple of days minimum. He tries closing it and hisses from the sting that shoots up his arm.
"Careful with that."
"Guess I won't be able to lend you a hand, heh."
"I see your sense of humour is still mediocre at best." The scientist comments shaking his cracked skull and he shrugs, a small but somewhat genuine smile forming for a few seconds before the misery returns.
"She likes it, or did anyway…" He murmurs quietly, curling slightly on himself. "How long did it take?" Sans asks after a long moment of nothing but silence hanging between them.
"I couldn't tell. Given that time isn't a concept in The Void, the perception of it that she had could've been as different from mine as the sun is from the moon." Gaster explains. "But she held on for as long as she could, of that I'm certain."
The smaller skeleton rubs his skull, his sockets closing as guilt ghosts through his features. "How did it happen?" The scientist merely hummed, unwilling to offer up the answer. "Please, tell me." He nearly begs, a shiver going through him at the many scenarios swimming in his mind.
"She stood very still all of a sudden, her eyes wide with fear. Then she covered her ears, which I found strange in a place where there is no sound, until I saw her scream. Or rather, try to. She started shaking and tugging at her hair and clawing at her skin, to make whatever was torturing her stop. I took over her body then, so she wouldn't hurt herself. Her mind was deeply perturbed." Sans covers his face with his good hand, the other still aching far too much to be moved. Looking at his slightly shaking arm Gaster can't help thinking his actions were irresponsible. "What were you thinking, Sans? She could have killed you…"
"I know." The other replies sombrely, turning to face the scientist with a fire in his eyes. "But she didn't." Gaster goes to say something but falls short, words not coming to him as he looks at his offspring's face. "She's still in there. When I touched her face I could feel her. She's in there Gaster, buried under layers upon layers of fear, pain and broken memories… But she's there. She's just lost and confused. And I'm going to get her back."
He grits his teeth, ignoring the throb in his hand when he clenches both into fists. The taller skeleton hums in thought, eyes drifting around the lab he'd spent most of his life in, until his gaze returns to the one he considers to be one of his greatest achievements. "How are you feeling right now?"
The small skeleton laughs humourlessly at the question before giving him a proper answer. "Exhausted. Beaten and bloody. Downright dead to be quite honest."
"I may be able to help."
It's night already. A somewhat strong breeze blows straight through you and you wrap your arms around yourself, a shiver shaking your entire body. Your eyes are still watering and your vision blurred, the voices in your head settling down to an angry hiss of horrible whispers. They're a constant reminder of your failures, your inadequacy and worthlessness. And not only that, they're unsettling. Disembodied voices talking to you, not letting you have a single second of peace, a nagging noise that just can't be silenced… Your head aches, your soul aches and your whole being feels as broken as your mind is.
Risking a look around you, the few lights flare you. No one's around to bother you, at least that's a blessing. No one will hurt you. At least not now. You half crawl, half drag yourself to a dark corner of the park, curling in on yourself and squeezing your eyes shut, ears covered by your hands, a desperate plea for the voices to let you have some quiet moments… Just a few minutes, that's all you want. But they never stop. They keep seething at you, harsh words and cruel tones. Each time they speak it feels like a knife to your soul.
Creep. Worthless. Die. Kill. Let it all burn. Burn with everyone. You don't deserve anything. You're going to die alone. Everyone hates you. You should be dead. You should kill them all.
When you open your eyes every shadow, every piece of paper blowing in the wind, every little noise around you sends you into a frenzy. Breaths hitched and uneven, heartbeat wild as the thoughts swimming in your brain, eyes betraying you. You whimper, cowering further into the darkness. The darkness is your only friend. It swallows you whole and hides you away, its cold embrace gripping at your skin like claws, so tight it would draw blood were it actually holding you. You feel like you can't breathe and you welcome the panicky feeling it causes, having become so familiar to you.
But you can feel and hear now. So even hidden away in the darkness you feel like everyone's watching. All those fingers pointing at you. Laughing bitterly, nails grazing on your skin, scarring it forever. Teeth digging into your flesh. Blood trickling down your legs and arms, coming up your throat and out of your mouth in heaving coughs. Claws at your back. Screams on your lips. Voices in your head.
You tremble. The inside of your consciousness is a jumbled mess of real and unreal, memories and nightmares, unidentified noises and clearly spoken threats and insults, growls and barks, screams and crying. Is that you crying? You don't know anymore. You feel something hot and wet on your cheeks, but with how hard you're holding your face you don't know if you haven't already clawed yourself open. You don't bother checking. Even if you did, who's to say it isn't your mind tricking you. You feel your sins crawling on your back.
You feel a hand on your shoulder and your head snaps up quickly, neck twitching unnaturally, a hiss coming from you at the brightness that invades your field of vision. A frightened cry coming from the child that found you rings in your head and you cover your ears once more, somehow the loud weeping getting blocked. The night had come and gone without you even realising it. What's time anyway? You don't remember it passing.
The small child runs back to wherever it came from, the worried parent holding on to them for dear life. They'd just looked away for a few seconds, and then they heard them scream and cry. Their eyes fall on the direction from which the child had run and spot you, huddled up and shaking, eyes wide and red from crying, mistaken for drug abuse especially in your dishevelled state.
Your gaze darts around the park, some children had come by with their parents or siblings. The first one's yelp had called everyone's attention to you. They all stared intently. Your clothes were stained dark red with the blood that had seeped out of your bullet wound, your hair was in complete disarray from your constant tugging. You looked dangerous and… crazy… They continued to stare, whispering to each other, grabbing their children and standing in front of them protectively.
You couldn't quite hear them. But in your head they spoke as clearly as if they were right there next to you.
Freak. What's wrong with her? She's a monster. Don't get near her. She only spells trouble. Dangerous. Unstable. Unbalanced. Crazy. Insane. Get away. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
You run your shaking hands through your hair, eyes wide open, lips twitching slightly, cracking into an unhinged smile. A laugh rumbles in your chest and slowly rises in pitch until you feel yourself howling with a cackle as the voices keep whispering into your brain.
Kill them. They're scared of you. They should be. Show them what they're supposed to fear. Show them what you're capable of. Slaughter them. Spill their guts before they have the chance to feast on yours.
You stumble onto your feet. Looking around you, that smirk still dancing on your lips, you see phones pointed at you but in your eyes they're guns, cocked and ready to shoot. You feel your magic stirring inside your soul. You feel your eyes burning with the power that's glowing through them coupled with the tears that are still spilling, the memory of a loss playing on the depths of your subconscious. A muffled voice tries to scream through all the others, a woman's voice. It's joined by another, they're familiar, they're telling you something important, begging you for something, but you don't hear them over the ever louder commands. Your fingers spasm and your head jerks.
Everyone's staring, afraid. They should be. You laugh again, low this time, and it slowly morphs into an animalistic rumble in your throat.
Fight or die. Show me what you're capable of. Use the power I gave you. A man tells you. You feel his knife on your chest, his hands on your soul.
Stop being so useless. A child screams. You feel them kicking you over and over until you barely feel anything anymore.
Your legs move of their own accord, you hear crying, coming from both outside and inside your head. Magic flows to your hands.
Kill them. Kill them all.
"Star!" You stop walking towards the people who are frozen with fear, cameras pointed at your twisted features. "Whatever you're thinking, whatever you're feeling, it's not real." You feel eyes on your back. "This is." An arm is wrapped around your waist and everything suddenly disappears.
NOTE: Sorry for the delay on this one, got hit with a bad bout of good ol' writer's block... I hope this reads well, I struggled a bit :/
Anyways, thank you so much for reading, feel free to leave your feedback, I always appreciate every single comment :) Hope you enjoyed