This Itachi chapter is basically Itachi's thoughts. I tend to do this more with Hinata... so... um yeah... Edited by Tamani 20/07/2015
Some Things
He'd been putting it off. He'd been putting it off for a very long time. He hadn't wanted to talk about it - hadn't wanted to remember it - hadn't wanted to think about it. It was a very long time ago, after all. But some things could only be put off for so long. Maybe if he hadn't been procrastinating, he could have found out earlier. But alas, he was, and now here they were.
Or more precisely, here the Uchiha were. Because it wasn't one or two Uchiha anymore. It was four. They were the fantastic four; the survivors to what seemed to be the most self-destructing clan to ever exist. Destroyed by their own kind.
It was time to remember. The screams, the blood. He'd been in a haze - he had to have been in a haze - he had remembered the mindless killing of people he'd known since he was a young child. His world being destroyed, by no one other than him. He hadn't wanted to. But someone had to be the big person. Someone had to take the blame. And… that just so happened to be him. The only Uchiha, who had been only thirteen years old, that was prepared to stick up to what he thought was justice; what he thought was right. But of course, that was never how things work out.
For the first time ever, it was time to do a kill count. Closing his eyes, he struggled to remember the faces of the carcasses - carcasses, he couldn't think of them as people - connecting them to names - and it took him a while. A couple of hours, some retching, and some dizziness - but he managed to remember that he didn't kill all of them. Only around half - maybe three quarters at most - he didn't want to get into specifics. He didn't want to, but how couldn't he? His mother. She was crying, but not for herself, but for him. His mother, with her dark hair and matching dark eyes, and her kind smile that used to make him feel better when everything was going wrong. She used to make him dango when he had a particularly hard mission - she used to smother him in love he didn't deserve. His mother, lying on the floor in a puddle of her own blood with a hole through her chest that was made by his sword. His father. His father, strong and proud, never believing that his eldest son, his pride, would betray him. His father that had spent hours training with him, that had quietly slipped him some sweets whenever he had done particularly well on a mission, or had moved up to the next rank. When he'd asked, Fugaku would always deny and say it was Mikoto, but Itachi had always known it was him. His father, accepting of his fate, didn't blame him until the very end. He remembered Sasuke, his younger brother who he'd sworn to protect, crying in tears as he viewed his older brother as a monster - which in essence he was.
God. He was a monster. What was he doing? He didn't deserve to live, he had to join his mother and father and clan. Join them in death. The only difference was, they've gone to heaven, and he'd go to hell. You couldn't do that, you can't kill your own parents who raised you and fed you and made you be everything you were today. But that was exactly what Itachi had done, and for that, he deserved to be killed, hanged, burned - he deserved so much worse.
Suddenly, Itachi felt sick in his own skin. It was too good for him. He wanted to rip it off, he wanted to suffocate it. Choke himself with his own hands, suffocate himself to the point he couldn't breathe. In a fit of he didn't even know what, Itachi punched the floor with all his might, no chakra infused in his fist. The floor cracked, but so did his hand - and blood poured, blood as red as his spinning Sharingan eye.
He watched it pour. It was a beautiful red, reminding him of the parents he killed; the parents he shared his own blood with. He watched it pour and pour, pour until it began to be a puddle on the ground, until his hand started to feel weak.
That came as a bit of a shock.
Shocked him enough to remember that he couldn't die here - shocked him enough to remember the existence of Hinata. Shocked him enough to remember why he was remembering at all, why he was forcing himself to remember what he'd tried so hard to forget. He needed to forget in order to force himself to live, in order to remind himself of his chance of happiness that might slip through his undeserving fingers if he let it go. But more importantly, if he died, Hinata would die too and he couldn't have that. For the first time, he had met someone who he cared about more than his guilt, cared enough to help him find his will to live while bearing the weight of his guilt.
But this was all beside the point. He needed to stay rational, something he was usually good at doing. Rational.
He couldn't have killed all of the police force - there had to be someone else as well. Itachi originally thought that Konoha had sent a couple more of their ANBU to help him with his task, but thinking back, it was kind of perplexing. Why would they give him a solo mission to kill the clan if they would just send more? The risk was too large. And the thing was, if he had ever given it much effort or thought, he would have been able to figure it out instantly, and save Hinata and him the trouble of having to go to Konoha in the first place.
The only thing that completely worked against the Sharingan (and against that many different opponents with Sharingan) was the Mangekyou Sharingan. Maybe the Byakugan, but even then it was common knowledge that the Hyuuga couldn't become ANBU. So the only other person that could have helped him was an individual with Mangekyou Sharingan.
There were two people in the Uchiha clan to have ever achieved Mangekyou Sharingan: him, Itachi Uchiha and the founder of the Uchiha clan, Madara Uchiha.
It all made so much sense.
Of course, he had already known that Madara Uchiha was the summoner of the Kyuubi on that fateful night so long ago, and it was not so far-fetched for him to come back for an event like that. But Madara was like a shadow: distant, dark, always there… but something that you keep forgetting about. Really bad, strategically, but Itachi supposed it was something that he had wanted to forget in the first place.
Itachi had no doubt that Madara would try to interfere again. Once more, he was positive that the consequences for his actions would involve the deaths of many innocent people. But.
It had nothing more to do with him.
Whatever it was, there was no way that Madara Uchiha would make his move before his battle with Sasuke, before his name would be erased from the world - therefore Itachi Uchiha would be a dead entity, and absolutely no one in the grand scheme of things. Even if Madara was controlling Akatsuki (which was not a far-fetched thought at all, given "Tobi's" presence) it didn't matter. Because. It had nothing to do with him.
For the first time in his life, Itachi felt free. Hinata had freed him from the chains that had shackled him to the ninja world - chains of responsibility that he had been unable to escape alone. Maybe he saw death as another type of freedom, and that was why he sought it so much.
Even so, before his persona died, he would do his best to warn Sasuke about Madara Uchiha. Madara Uchiha was a dangerous opponent, and he could stir up the shinobi world like never before. However aside from Madara Uchiha, there were plenty of other prominent and powerful ninja that would be able to counter the evil that Madara was. Or so Itachi hoped.
"Itachi, are you he-" Hinata stopped mid-sentence, mid-step into his room. She took one long look at the cracked floor and a shorter look at his bleeding hand. "You imbecilic excuse of an Akatsuki member!" She said, with a deadly calm, before rushing to take a hold of his hand. "I know you're fully capable of taking care of yourself," she whispered, "so why are you doing this?"
He stared at her, at her hands, glowing green as she started to heal his unevenly ripped skin. He wasn't used to this. Even though she didn't seem very kind or caring, her actions were the complete opposite - and he wasn't used to anyone being like that toward him. And frankly, he didn't think he'd ever be. He wasn't sure he wanted to be, actually. It felt so nice to be pleasantly surprised like this; to know that he was being cared for.
The adrenaline rush began to wear off and his eyes began to feel heavy. It must've been the blood loss. But still, he didn't want to close his eyes; he wanted to savour the moment. To just stare at the green light that… no longer glowed. But even though it was no longer glowing, she was still holding his hand.
Should he tell her? Should he disclose what had made him like this, why she had to heal him? Would she even ask? Itachi couldn't decide whether he wanted her to or not. Relationships and feelings were so confusing: like a paradox. He knew that he wanted her to know and understand everything about him, but at the same time, he was scared of her knowing - of the possibility of her being frightened of him and rejecting him. And even though those fears were unfounded and irrational, they were potent enough to keep him at bay. He didn't think he liked it.
It wasn't clear cut. There was no simple answer; no black and white, simply grey. Most of the time, there wasn't an answer at all and he didn't like it. The obscurity. It made him feel vulnerable, and Itachi Uchiha was anything but vulnerable. He had to get it sorted out.
And… that was the answer. Itachi Uchiha couldn't be vulnerable, but Itachi - just Itachi - could. So he'd tell her; he'd tell her anything and everything that she wanted to hear, he'd tell her everything he wanted her to know. Which meant that he'd tell her everything he knew about himself. Because as queer and obscure the feeling was, he had all the intention in the world to explore it so it was no longer cloudy; it would be transparent, like the river water that ran through the mountains.
"Not going to answer, hmm?" Hinata's face moved upward until she gave him a chaste kiss on the nose. "Well, that's fine. I'm sure you'll tell me later." Itachi chuckled lightly at the small threat hidden within the sentence. Hinata didn't have to be upfront or direct to get her point across. It was a great quality that was becoming increasingly rare in the ninja world.
Itachi could feel his eyelids beginning to droop. This wouldn't do, he had wanted the moment to last longer - but he found a solution to his problem. "Sleep with me," he commanded, his black eyes staring intensely at her white ones. "Stay with me," he corrected himself, his tone softer than before. She had to stay with him. Or else he might go insane.
Hinata propped herself on the covers next to him. "I'm not going anywhere," she mentioned, her eyes serious. And with a sigh, "Rest."
He followed her advice, and allowed himself to go to sleep. Unlike what he had assumed, he didn't have nightmares; he was sure that was because of Hinata's calming presence. However, he did wake up to her shaking him.
"Leader's called a meeting," she informed him, sounding apologetic. It was obvious that she hadn't wanted to disrupt his sleep, but there was an urgency about her movements that told him that the meeting was probably important. Luckily for them, they were in the Akatsuki hide-out, anyway - there was no need for them to send their holograms across who knows where. So, with a sigh, Itachi followed Hinata out of his room and to the meeting point near the big statue.
Upon entering, he immediately noticed the following: two more members were missing. Tobi (who was so blatantly Obito), Deidara (who was stuck as Tobi's partner. They had been informed yesterday, during the briefing), Zetsu, Kisame, Konan and Pein (obviously) were still here… which meant that Hidan and Kakuzu were missing. Rather, they weren't missing… but they were probably…
"Kakuzu and Hidan are dead," Pein started, uncaring if everyone was ready. "Or rather, Hidan's as dead as you can get him. But I would not have called you here if that were it." How cold, Itachi thought offhandedly. Hadn't they been all on one team? Then again, this was the Akatsuki - there were no attachments. Everyone was impervious to the other. It wasn't like he was upset about their deaths, either; it wasn't like he would miss Hidan's loud swearing. In fact, would it make him a monster to say that he was slightly glad by the turn of events? Maybe Hinata hadn't been affected by Hidan's rude comment yesterday, but he had gotten offended on her behalf. "Orochimaru is also dead," Pein continued, his voice as dead as his soul.
What? Did that mean what he thought it did?
"He was killed by his own pupil and Itachi's brother, Sasuke Uchiha. Sasuke Uchiha, now a missing nin, has formed Team Hebi, a formidable Team that may be detrimental to our established goals. Itachi, they'll be coming after you." Pein directly looked at him, his ringed eyes glinting. "We can't afford to lose any more members. Remember why we were created."
Remember why we were created. How could he forget? It was all because of the misconstrued vision that Pein had: that peace would be achieved through pain. That suffering brought enlightenment, that hatred was ignorance, and that ignorance could be broken by suffering. Itachi couldn't completely disagree: after all, hadn't he suffered so much in an (hopefully successful) attempt to bring the world peace? To avoid the horrors that the Shinobi War had brought? To save a life of horror for the younger generations of Konoha by stopping a civil war?
Pein… for all ironic purposes, his name should have spelt Pain. That way, his name would have announced his purpose and intent upon the world: to bring pain. Even if Itachi wanted to hate him, he couldn't; because as much as he hated himself for doing so, he understood, even if just a little, where Pein was coming from.
But was that really the reason why they were created? Surely not. At least not for the noble reasons that Pein had in mind, but probably because of Madara's plans. Now that Itachi knew of the Uchiha's involvement, the whole organisation seemed to reek of a deeper, darker purpose - deeper and darker than what it already had. Even if Madara wanted to bring pain upon the world, it wasn't because he wanted peace - far from it. He probably wanted to see everyone suffer, maybe reap his revenge on the descendants of the people that had rejected his application to become the first Hokage. Revenge.
It was such an Uchiha thing. That thought would have made him smirk had he not felt so bitter. Because, through it all, he was an Uchiha. When he'd heard about the Uchiha revolt, he'd felt betrayed - because he'd also had pride in the clan. He had felt proud of being an Uchiha. Although Itachi knew that pride was irrational - it had still been there. To know that one of his clan, one of the last of the Uchiha, was still obsessed with revenge - obsessed enough to kill their own clan members for such an absurd reason - it made him hurt. Almost made him feel betrayed.
But that was a ridiculous notion that he shouldn't have been thinking about, so he closed his eyes and when he re-opened them, all possible traces of thought were erased from his face.
He was thinking about the wrong Uchiha. It was his younger brother than he should be focusing on - Sasuke. He could still remember the last time they'd spoken: he'd had Sasuke in a chokehold, and while his younger brother's eyes had seemed scared, they were also enraged. The same younger brother that had just killed Orochimaru, one of the legendary Sannin. Although it wasn't too much to boast about - after all, Itachi himself had beaten Orochimaru some time ago.
But that alluded to the fact that… Sasuke was stronger. Maybe strong enough to beat him. Certainly, he'd seem strong enough to beat him, and in the end that was all that mattered; he couldn't let himself be beaten, not anymore. He'd promised Hinata, and he didn't want to admit it, but that promise was more important to him than any promise he could have possibly made to himself.
"Dismissed," Pein finally called out, disrupting his train of thought. He may or may not have elaborated more on Team Hebi, and Itachi couldn't know for sure because he hadn't been paying attention. Oh well; it wasn't like it was the end of the world.
The Akatsuki's holographic images disappeared like the way water puddles disperse into the sky. It left just him and Hinata in the room, and Itachi didn't know what to feel. What he was feeling. And there had probably never been a situation quite like this before… But that didn't matter. Even if he didn't know what he was supposed to be feeling, the path of action was clear.
"We need to work on my Genjutsu," Hinata proclaimed, and it was like she was reading his mind.
"Yes," he agreed, and rushed in to attack her without warning. Hinata was quick to defend herself, dodging the attack and letting a couple of kunai slip through her fingers.
"I don't think this is the best room to practice in, Itachi," she mentioned, and while he did agree, he didn't stop. "And I don't think that fighting me is the best way to teach me Genjutsu. Itachi, what the fuck is happening to you?" He froze. And it wasn't because the curse sounded so blatantly wrong on her tongue but because, because - how did she read him so well?!
He was sure his face had been a mask. Then how - why - when had he become so vulnerable?! And even though he said he was fine with becoming vulnerable, that had been a lie - he felt so naked and exposed, and it wasn't a good feeling. At all. Being caught unawares, not being able to hide something from someone - he wasn't ready for it. Any of it. And yet here it was, happening.
"Don't tell me you didn't think I'd notice," her voice was soft and dangerous, and Itachi felt like laughing and crying at the same time, because… because he'd spent his whole life hiding his emotions and his thoughts, and he wasn't ready for being seen. Not at all. Being a shinobi was like a game of hide and seek, and if you were found, you lost. And Itachi never lost. That was why he had been called a genius.
"Itachi. Talk. Now." And, almost like an afterthought, "Please."
Itachi's mouth began to talk before he could stop it. "Madara Uchiha helped me kill my clan, and I didn't even know. I didn't even want to know, because I'm a coward… I'm a coward, Hinata." He repeated it in his head, like a mantra. Coward, coward, coward, coward, co-
"If you're a coward, then everyone else in the world is a shitty chicken," she announced, and once more, the curse was so wrong coming from her lips, it was almost amusing. Almost, because he found himself hugging her, burying his head into her shoulder. She didn't say anything more, even when he felt himself beginning to cry. It was something he never thought he'd do, ever again. It seemed like those tears, so long ago, hadn't been enough - and now here he was, sobbing like a small child. He hadn't even cried as a child.
He was a disgrace.
But somehow, he found himself not caring, especially with the way Hinata was caressing his hair - like he was something fragile. Broken. And even though he was neither, and no one else had never - or would ever regard him as that, he couldn't help but like it.
And, when he would go over the whole scenario once more, later, he'd think that some things (thoughts, feelings, reactions, conclusions) were just incomprehensible.
I hope that didn't feel too OOC. But, at the end of the day, Itachi's human too. Reviews? Aurora.