Level Pair; Day Three 1/2
Guilt isn't always a rational thing… guilt is a weight that can crush you whether you deserve it or not. ~Maureen Johnson
Shouyou Hinata knows he's barely keeping it together. He knows at any given point, the world might come crashing down and he might dissolve into hysterics. He ardently tries to busy his mind with anything and everything so he doesn't think about the pain that still knifes through his back and everything that means. Really, the only time it stops hurting is when he's asleep.
He's talking again, telling Kageyama about the last time he and Noya had snuck out of their barracks and into the main trading hub for the festival last week as they walk along the riverbank. They've been following it downstream most of the morning and he's done nothing but fill the silence with useless chatter.
He's pretty sure Kageyama knows how badly he's trying to avoid thinking about his shorn wings. The taller boy's barbs aren't nearly as harsh or swift as normal— when they come at all— and last night, when Shouyou caved to his mounting stress and asked to sleep close to him through the night, Kageyama had wordlessly held his wings open in invitation.
While it had still taken Shouyou a while to get to sleep himself, the dark haired boy had crashed out almost immediately. It made him pause and remember how haggard he'd looked that first morning of this horrible misadventure and he'd reminded himself that this happened to Kageyama, too. Though Kageyama wasn't missing his wings and lacked the large bruises like Shouyou had, he probably sported almost as many scrapes on his arms and legs.
And then there had been the gash over his ear that had drawn nothing but a blank look from Kageyama when Shouyou had asked about it. There was still dried blood crusted around it and Kageyama hadn't even noticed it. The fall through the canopy obviously hadn't left him untouched. By yesterday morning, Kageyama's eyes were gaining rings beneath them and Shouyou started watching him more closely.
He noticed how Kageyama barely shifted his wings, his movements precise and calculated to conserve motion. He hadn't forgotten when Kageyama had said one of them was sore, but if there was an injury on them, Shouyou couldn't find it with all the feathers in the way. But as the day progressed, he grew more and more convinced that there was something wrong with Kageyama's wings. He hadn't seen the taller boy leave the ground once since they'd reunited by the river.
Kageyama has a remarkably limited emotional arsenal, Shouyou admits, and he's gotten good at reading him based on his actions alone to interpret his moods. Kageyama keeps everyone at arm's length, he never pulls punches with his barbs, he is never amenable to another person's comfort or peace of mind if he doesn't see some benefit himself, and Shouyou can't remember a single incident where Kageyama wouldn't have decked him to shut him up less than thirty minutes into his idle chatter. As it stands, Shouyou's voice has grown raw from talking for hours now.
He can tell that Kageyama is off, but he isn't quite sure how exactly. He wraps up his tale of his escapade with Noya to the festival that had resulted in him half falling asleep through drills the next day which led to them all having an extra ten minutes of gut-busting conditioning. When he looks up, Kageyama is eyeing him with a homicidal glare.
"That was why I got sucked into doing those extra pitch dives?" He growls out and Shouyou unintentionally puts a little space between them.
"Er… maybe? Noya was the one who dragged me out wanting me to be a wingman so he could try to pick up a girl. I'm apparently bad it, by the way." He squeaks out.
"Forget making it back home, I'm going to kill you right here, dumbass." Kageyama takes a step toward him and Shouyou takes a step backward.
"You don't need to, there's already a silver lining—you won't have to worry about me ever being the cause of your extra workouts again." It slips out before Shouyou can catch himself and he sees Kageyama falter in his advance and look away from him with a massive frown.
"Small consolation." He murmurs with a half shrug but Shouyou can tell his heart isn't behind the words— and then he turns and continues downstream, leaving Shouyou standing there for a long moment in shock.
He's just had a flash of epiphany and might have figured out another clue in decoding his companion's actions.
Guilt?
Is that what Kageyama is feeling? For a moment he almost discards the thought entirely. Kageyama, feeling guilty? Really? But he can find no other explanation for the odd behavior. A part of Shouyou gets the immediate, irrational, and utterly juvenile urge to use this newfound knowledge to manipulate Kageyama's reactions just for the bragging rights.
I mean, who knew the Kageyama could ever feel guilty?
But it is eclipsed a moment later when he realizes what that means. Kageyama feels responsible for what happened to him. Kageyama thinks it's his fault that Shouyou lost his wings. The realization rocks Shouyou into a daze and he wanders after Kageyama with a stunned expression. Never mind that the very idea of this being his fault is just plain ludicrous since that white-winged bastard attacked them, Shouyou was the one who jumped on him of his own accord the moment he'd hit Kageyama in the first place. The fact that Kageyama doesn't view it the same speaks volumes about their relationship.
Kageyama's always been standoffish, could be downright abrasive on occasion... but he had moments. He's had the feeling for some time, but just now, Shouyou is confident beyond doubt that Kageyama actually does view him as a friend, and one worth fighting for at that. A fond smile tips the corners of his mouth and his eyes crease just a bit at the edges as it blooms genuine. He takes a deep breath and feels his mind ease just a little for the first time in over two days as he hurries after the taller boy with renewed enthusiasm.
"Kageyama!"
The black-haired boy pauses and glances back at him, his scowl still firmly in place and Shouyou can't keep the bright smile from his face.
"Can we stop sometime? I want to figure out what's wrong with your wings."
Kageyama straightens just a touch, his shoulders tightening almost unnoticeably.
"Nothing is wrong with my wings." He says dismissively but Shouyou thinks it sounds more defensive than Kageyama means it to be.
"Liar. You haven't flown once in the last forty-eight hours." He points out confidently.
"So what? Neither have you." He says it on reflex and Shouyou knows he's forgotten for an instant that he's grounded and can't fly. Yep, definitely defensive.
"Yeah, but I have an excuse." He rebuttals, folding his arms.
He knows if he pushes long enough, Kageyama will either cave just to placate him or punch him to get him to lay off. Shouyou is banking on the former since Kageyama feels guilty over all this. Heck, he feels slightly guilty himself for using that against him like this but not enough to quit.
He is rewarded for his efforts a half hour later when Kageyama huffs in complete irritation before stopping and rounding on him. The larger boy stomps up to Shouyou and grabs one of his wrists before dragging him to the riverbank and a shallow area of the clear running river.
Kageyama wades out into ankle deep freezing water and sits down on a large exposed rock, all the while towing Shouyou after him and the redhead can't keep from grinning in victory. He barely gets the smile off his face in time before Kageyama turns and glares up at him for a moment before turning and presenting his back to him.
"You get five minutes." Kageyama growls.
Shouyou resists the urge to rub it in and slowly reaches for a wing. Kageyama tenses just slightly as his fingers brush the long flight feathers before he relaxes again and slacks the wing in his hands. Shouyou runs his fingers along the long bones and tendon-laden covert feather beds, marveling at the feel of them. It strikes home how much he misses his own and he's abruptly fighting back tears. He shakes his head sharply to try and focus.
He continues surveying the wing but can find nothing out of place save for a small abrasion to the back side of the patagial tendon. He frowns slightly. Was he wrong and there really isn't anything amiss with Kageyama's wings? Was he imagining Kageyama's stiff movements and reluctance to fly? Does that mean he's just humoring him right now?
Shouyou runs his hand one last time down the wing, distracted as the long flight feathers tick off his fingertips in a perfect, steady rhythm in time with his movement. One doesn't spring back into place like it should as his hand brushes across it and Shouyou's head tilts. This one is about to drop and it's unusual for Kageyama to have left a loose feather attached. Shouyou deftly pulls it for him, noting with a wry smile that it doesn't even faze him, and places it on the rock beside them, a perfect long black feather.
And then he reaches for the other wing and the reaction is instant and much more pronounced. The moment his fingers touch the long flight feathers, Shouyou sees Kageyama's shoulders tense and the corner of his jaw that he can see goes rigid.
"Jeez. Flinch much?" He murmurs, but inside, he's struggling to collar his alarm.
He has never seen Kageyama so touchy. Even when his dad had broken his ribs that one time in a spar and then sent them to the infirmary, he hadn't been so tense under the nurse's hands. Shouyou gently pries the wing away from Kageyama's shoulder so he can inspect it better. He is glad that the freedom of motion at the shoulder joint is sound, and slowly runs his hand down the covert feather bed.
Kageyama still has the wing bent at the main joint and Shouyou frowns and takes hold of the long flight feathers to pull it all the way open. He jumps sharply when he meets resistance and the dark haired boy full on hisses at him.
That's another almost unheard of reaction.
Shouyou can't remember the last time he heard Kageyama actually hiss at someone. A frown marring his face once more, he gently lays a hand across the joint eliciting another half-hiss from the taller boy but he ignores it this time. Shouyou's eyes go wide and his mouth drops. The joint is blazing hot and surprisingly swollen.
"Kageyama! This is a sprain!" He says in shock.
"And? There's nothing I can really do for it out here. That's why I said not to bother." Kageyama growls at him. Shouyou rolls his eyes even as he tries to tease the wing open again.
"No, you said nothing was wrong, moron. This isn't nothing." He grouches at him.
"Ow! Like I said there's not much I can do for it out here, so there was –ouch!—no point in messing with it. Ow! Would you cut it out, dumbass?" He barks and turns to glare icily at Shouyou over his shoulder. The redhead stares back reproachfully.
"Of course there's things you can still do out here. The fastest way to work through a sprain is to move the injured area—carefully." He amends when Kageyama's glare goes feral. He gently tries pulling the wing open once more and continues rambling.
"A sprain means the joint bent farther than it was supposed to and the tendons got stretched out. They swell because blood pools at the point of injury but to really speed up healing, you have to move the injured joint to get blood flowing through it really well, not just going there and stopping. That's also another reason why they wrap a sprain—to help keep the swelling in check. You should have been putting cold compresses on it for the last two days, too." Shouyou says reprovingly before shrugging out of his shirt.
Kageyama stares at him as he soaks it in the river and wraps it around the injured wing joint. The days are warm enough that he doesn't really need it; it's just the nights that get cold.
"This will probably hurt, but it should help a little." He says before pulling the shirt snug and tying it off so it stays there. "Sorry." He murmurs when Kageyama flinches again.
"You should work on moving it as much as possible within your normal range of motion. The more you move it, the looser it will get and it should start feeling better in a couple days, but you will still have to be careful."
He finishes, slowly guiding the wing as far open and closed as it will go with the shirt wrapped around it and apologizing again when he sees Kageyama cringing, the muscles in his arms tight. Finally relenting, he straightens a couple feathers and releases Kageyama's injured wing only to find the larger boy's royal blue eyes boring into him with unusual focus.
"How do you know all this?" He asks and Shouyou pauses before he breaks out an easy smile.
"Oh, that? Noya went through something quite similar a decade ago. I don't know if you remember, but he was stoked when he was given a week off. Asahi was inconsolable because he thought the midair collision was his fault. I swear, Tanaka thought he was going to commit suicide." He laughs and picks up the long black flight feather he'd pulled from Kageyama's other wing with contemplation.
He takes one step and slips on a submerged rock covered in algae and before he can blink, Kageyama has a fierce grip on his arm to steady him. Shouyou's shoulders hunch in embarrassment and he shrugs the black haired boy's hand off.
"I'm fine. It's getting cold standing here in the water, though." He mutters and starts for the bank realizing that what he says is true since he can't feel his feet.
Kageyama shadows him silently, his eyes slightly narrowed, and Shouyou can tell that the taller boy doesn't believe him. As he reaches out for a branch and pulls himself up the rocky bank, a thought hits him. He pauses as his mind ticks through another facet of this mess that he hadn't considered yet.
"I wonder what the others will think when we get back." He says before he has a chance to reconsider it, his scratchy voice growing melancholy. He jumps when Kageyama grabs his arms and he finds himself staring into snapping cobalt eyes.
"It doesn't matter what they think." He growls.
Shouyou shrinks back just a bit with surprise and disappointment. He totally let that one slip, too. Now Kageyama will be watching him all the more the rest of the day again. He plasters a grin back on his face and raises his hands in front of him.
"Yeah, you're probably right…but I was talking about you and how goofy you are going to look with your wing tied up like that. Can you imagine how much heat you are going to take?"
Kageyama's brows instantly draw down into his trademark scowl and Shouyou hopes he's distracted him at least a little.
"If you think I'm wearing your shirt back into the rookery or anywhere within a mile radius of it, you're mental." He says with annoyance, but his eyes are still focused too sharply on him. Shouyou just nods as Kageyama lets him go.
"Yeah, you're probably right. That would ruin your constipated autocratic princeling image." He murmurs and quickly steps around him.
Shouyou knows he's got probably two seconds before Kageyama loses his mind and he hopes to be outside the reach of his arm by then.
"Oi! What'd you just call me, dumbass?" He hears the black haired boy bark after him and he smiles just a bit.
Bickering has always been a great way to divert Kageyama's attention elsewhere and Shouyou feels like it's a surefire bet in getting the taller boy's focus off him now.
He's determined to throw him off because he knows Kageyama doesn't think he's alright… and underneath the bright exterior, Shouyou can't help but agree.