Level Pair; Day Five 1/2
We are two abysses – a well staring at a sky. ~Fernando Pessoa
Shouyou can tell Kageyama is off. He was off before and he'd thought it was just Kageyama feeling guilty. But he has no idea what to make of this. It's been going for two days now… ever since Kageyama accidentally woke him in the middle of the night. He's pretty sure it was accidental anyway.
He'd been violently yanked from his slumber when Kageyama went so thoroughly rigid under him that Shouyou's instincts pulled him awake in an instant. Wondering what made the taller boy that completely tense bodily in two seconds flat, Shouyou sat bolt upright, forgetting about his back and reflexively cringing at the motion. It didn't stop him from looking around blindly in the dark for whatever threat apparently caused Kageyama to freak.
But when he'd felt Kageyama jump in response to his reaction, it was such an odd and oblique turn that it had totally thrown Shouyou for a loop.
"Kageyama?" He'd asked into the dark.
"Yeah?" His voice had sounded oddly strained somehow.
"Um… what's going on? Are you alright?" He'd asked tentatively, completely confused.
"Yeah… yeah, I'm fine." He'd managed, as if there were a painful object in his throat he was trying to get the words around.
Shouyou'd frowned even though he knew Kageyama wouldn't see it.
"You don't sound fine. What's wrong?"
"It's…fine." He'd said again, a little more controlled and Shouyou'd scowled. 'Fine' his pin feathers; he'd almost been able to hear the other boy's heart still racing.
"You're a poor liar."
"It's nothing. I thought it was something but there's nothing. Go back to sleep." He'd mumbled, but Shouyou had been wide awake by that point and couldn't let it go so easily.
"You can tell me if something is wrong." He'd said softly. He'd felt Kageyama shift uncomfortably and sighed. "Did you have a nightmare or something?"
The other boy had scoffed.
"Tch. Shut up and go back to sleep, dumbass." He'd growled and gently pulled Shouyou back against him.
Shouyou hadn't fought, but he was perplexed on a level he didn't think possible. He'd tried getting Kageyama to talk a couple more times but the taller boy wasn't having it.
And ever since, he'd been even more withdrawn than normal. Kageyama not talking wasn't that unusual, but saying virtually nothing at all kind of was. That usually only happened when Shouyou had managed to seriously tick him off.
But really, Shouyou's major red flag is that he's only been able to draw him into one bickering match. Kageyama could be mad enough at him that he couldn't see straight and Shouyou could still lure him into one. He was always so easy to bait into them that whenever their unit wanted to set up a prank, Hinata was their go-to accomplice to distract him while they activated it— like the time they greased the Volley ball just ahead of a scrimmage. Kageyama had initially barked at Tanaka about dinking around with the ball when Shouyou had stepped in and pulled him into one of their rounds of banter even as Tanaka coated the ball right behind him. Kageyama hadn't been amused when he'd stepped up to serve.
But most of his barbs have rolled off Kageyama as if he isn't even hearing them now. That isn't to say that Kageyama has stopped watching him like a hawk… it's gotten worse, actually. He is always watching him now.
They'd stopped yesterday for a short break and he'd crashed out for a catnap just to rejuvenate so they could keep going and found Kageyama focused on him with an alarming intensity when he woke fifteen minutes later. It seems like every time he turns around, the taller boy is watching him. Kageyama has basically kept a visual on him at all times and it's honestly disconcerting.
But it's different from before. It is like Kageyama is watching him while completely focused internally on whatever is turning in his head. And Shouyou is convinced there is something that Kageyama is trying to figure out or work through. When he isn't watching Shouyou, there is a frown of frustration that creases his face and his vision glazes and goes distant. Shouyou'd tried once more to get him to talk about whatever had him so engrossed last night but with no success.
Stupid stubborn Kageyama.
It's getting late again and Shouyou's frustration is wearing on him. He eyes Kageyama where he's rinsing off in the river with a frown. Normally, if Kageyama was brooding over something, he'd have found Hinata at some point and gotten into a sparring match until he felt better. They both would have a few bruises but Kageyama would be at ease. But he's done nothing like that this time. Maybe he should see just how much he can rattle the moron and see if he can't get it out of him. Every time he's let something pertaining to his lack of wings slip, it's gotten a swifter reaction, right?
Let's start there.
Shouyou plods over to the river and picks out a comfortable dry spot before sitting down cross legged with his hands in his lap. He's a couple feet from Kageyama and knows that the taller boy knows he's there.
"Do you know what I think I will miss the most?" He asks wistfully and Kageyama goes still.
Well that's a start, he muses idly before continuing without any prompt.
"I think it's probably gotta be Volley. I'll miss going out for the morning flight with you all, and our races and zipping through the trees, even the punishments probably… but Volley is something else entirely. The thrill of when we score, or block one of their shots, or when we come together to save a good hit they made, or just the exhilaration of being able to push myself to my limits and not want to quit... I think playing with you and the guys—that's what I will miss the most."
Shouyou finishes and saying the words out loud are having more of an effect on himself than he would have liked; his chest is tight and his eyes are burning and maybe this wasn't the brightest idea.
Kageyama straightens slightly but his head stays bowed, his wet hair hiding his gaze. Shouyou isn't sure if this is the reaction he was looking for, but he's committed to this disaster already.
And he doesn't think he can stop until it's all out anyway.
"I still feel them, you know. It's like I'm dreaming but know I'm asleep and will wake up eventually and everything will be normal. They aren't there anymore, but they still feel like they are."
His voice cracks and he doesn't think he could meet Kageyama's gaze in any capacity even if he wanted to right now but he can't stop.
"Either they just hurt or I wake up in the morning and need to stretch them out so bad but I can't… or they are cramping from being pent up or they itch or I'm losing a feather or something. There's always something."
He knows he's failed to keep his composure, can feel the tears leaking down his cheeks and his voice has completely bailed on him. His gaze keeps clouding over as more of them leak from his eyes and he has no idea what to do now.
Finally, Kageyama moves. He takes three steps and drops down beside him on the bank. Shouyou can see out of his periphery that Kageyama isn't looking at him. He's staring straight ahead, a tightness in his face and movements.
"What do they feel like right now?"
The question is quiet and scratchy and Shouyou knows he's struggling, too. Shouyou pauses a moment and then a broken bark of laughter escapes him. Kageyama finally turns to eye him warily.
"They feel jumbled to hell." He murmurs, the tears still running even though a smile breaks through the sorrow. "They feel like that time a few months back after we all got a round in the race pits for that incident with the egg. You and Noya tied my hands and feet basically into a straitjacket and hung me from one of the tall trees on the cliff over that updraft spin point. And left me there for three hours. I spent another two putting all my feathers back in order after Daichi and Suga came and got me down."
"You broke an egg over Tanaka's head and threw another at Noya. The third hit my father." Kageyama deadpans. Shouyou can't help the cheeky smirk that breaks his sodden face.
"That wasn't my fault. The Grand King walked in right behind you and you ducked."
Kageyama scoffs but the redhead can hear the smile behind it.
"He walked into a circus. Tanaka had it on his head, Noya had it across his back, and you were holding another. We were headed for the pits regardless; the fact that he ended up wearing it, too, just made it worse."
"Eh, it wasn't so bad. We were only in there for fifteen minutes."
Kageyama's face sours slightly.
"For being the one who started that, I'm still salty over how you lost only five flight feathers."
"That's right… you and Noya were the ones regrowing half your wings over the next week. I guess that means I was just better than you… although I probably spent the most time in there so that would make sense."
Shouyou hears Kageyama snort. And it's so strange because Kageyama never even laughed when it happened because he'd been so peeved, that Shouyou can't help but laugh himself. He knows it's probably because despite how messed up that day had been, it was still a thousand times simpler than now.
And like a contagious yawn, his humor spurs the reaction in the other boy beside him and in a moment, Kageyama is laughing with him. It is a surreal moment for Shouyou because he doesn't really remember a time Kageyama has ever really laughed. But it's bittersweet and subsides all too quickly leaving silence once more.
Yes… even if that day had been hell by the end, it was still simple. Shouyou draws his knees up in front of him and wraps his arms around them.
"Kageyama…" he whispers, his heart breaking all over again, "it feels like the world has shattered. Like the sky was really always glass and I finally fell through it."
There's a long moment, punctuated only by a soft sob that escapes him. And then Kageyama puts an arm around his shoulders, mindful—ever mindful—of his destroyed wing base, and gently leans his head down until it's resting against his own fuzzy orange one. And for an action that is so uncharacteristic and totally foreign coming from Kageyama, it doesn't feel the least bit awkward to Shouyou and he finally gives up and just weeps.
"I know. It sucks. I can't even pretend to know what you are going through." Kageyama says, his voice rough and the redhead gets the impression that he's fighting to keep his control, too. "But I promise, Shouyou. It will be okay."
The redhead blinks in surprise. Kageyama has never called him by his first name. But he's too much a mess right now to be able to form any sensible response and a few moments later, Kageyama is filling the silence again anyway.
"For the record… I think I will miss playing Volley with you the most, too. We all will. I don't think we will ever be the same team."
It's not a direct acknowledgement… the world will probably be on fire before Kageyama offers something like that. But in that moment, no matter how subdued, it is simultaneously the greatest yet most painful compliment he's ever received.