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Chapter 6

Just Feel

Today had been a relatively good day.

Remus finally got a job. A low-paying muggle job at a grocery store, but it was better than nothing. He'd have to quit after a while anyway. He didn't have to inform his muggle employers of his condition, but they would eventually fire him for his frequent disappearances or they'd start to get suspicious and he'd have to quit. Until then, restocking store shelves was better than roaming wizarding London aimlessly and counting his rejection letters.

Climbing the stairs to his new flat (well, the most recent dump), Remus threaded his fingers though his hair with a sigh, thinking of how he should tell Lisa. She never liked it when he took underpaying jobs. She kept insisting he deserved better, and he just couldn't get her to understand that it was the best he could get. Maybe if he—

Suddenly, a mad cackle interrupted his thoughts. Remus looked up in alarm and took the last two flights of stairs three steps at a time, storming into the flat without even bothering to take out his keys. His heart was echoing in his ears as he held his wand up, but what he found inside was only Lisa, kneeling next to his traveling trunk and laughing hysterically. When she saw him she laughed even harder, tears beginning to streak down her eyes. He gaped at her, completely confused, until she held up the book in her hands – his fourth year transfiguration textbook. Remus lowered the wand, his whole face burning with embarrassment, while she continued to struggle for breath, literally rolling on the floor. He closed the door to the flat and knelt down as well, taking the book in his hands and leafing through it.

Oh Merlin. It was even more juvenile than he remembered it. There was an accident in fourth year in which James and Sirius ended up burning their textbooks to a crisp, and Peter pretty much always forgot his, so all four Marauders shared Remus'. The pages were full of drawings of dicks, sometimes dueling, sometimes having tea. The boys had crude and not very short conversations scribbled over the Animagus theory, most of which included girls from their year and various parts of their bodies in some way. Although James and Sirius had been the main parties of the debates, his own neat handwriting could be seen here and there, adding his opinion on which girl's backside was the most spankable.

"Just wait... until... I show... Lily!" Lisa wheezed in between guffaws.

Remus' whole face turned the color or a ripe tomato, and he pointed his wand at the book, but Lisa threw herself at him with a 'Nooooooo!' and knocked him to the ground, pinning him under her.

"No, you can't destroy it, this is gold!" she said, still giggling like mad. Remus felt a heavy sense of dread in his stomach at the thought of more people reading his idiotic drivel.

"Lisa, I was fourteen. We all were! We were just messing around; please don't show this to Lily. Or anyone else," he pleaded desperately.

"But the dueling dicks! Come on, people need to see this; it's the best thing in the universe!"

"People do not need to see me and the Marauders discussing our preferred breast size!"

"Yes they do! All of my life has been leading up to this moment! I can finally die happy!" Lisa insisted, almost suffocating from laughter and clutching the book tightly in her hand again.

"Lisa, please! If you show that to anyone, I will die of embarrassment!"

"I promise to bury you in your best suit."

"Lisa!"

"Remus, people need to know about your use of the word 'bootylicious'!"

"That was one time, I was—" But he couldn't finish, because she exploded in another violent fit of laughter and her whole body shook on top of his. "No one will find it that amusing, most boys that age talk like—"

"Yes, they will! This is like my birthday and Christmas all coming on the same day!" Lisa gushed, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

A silvery dove, flying through the closed window, interrupted any further protesting.

"Dementors at Golden Square," it said in Alice Longbottom's voice.

Lisa and Remus exchanged glances, all traces of mirth dissipating like cigarette smoke. Then they shot to their feet and Lisa grabbed her keys while Remus took her coat from the rack, and the two of them ran out of the flat.

oOo

They Apparated on the dark street and immediately felt the Dementors' presence. The air was cold and piercing, and the dim light of the street lamps did little to help them see through the thick fog. The light of a spell flashed to the right, shortly followed by a yelp, coming from the opposite direction. Remus and Lisa exchanged a quick look, but knew what they had to do. With a heavy heart, she gave his fingers one last squeeze, and they tore down the two opposite ends of the street.

Lisa stumbled blindly through the fog, trying to get to the person in trouble, when she heard howling. Loud and savage, it made a cold chill run down her spine, and she stopped, looking around warily. The logical part of her brain told her this was impossible – the moon was not out yet, and even if it were, it wasn't a full moon. But something still didn't feel right, and cold fear gripped her heart. It began beating on double speed. She thought she glimpsed flashing yellow eyes out of the corner of her eye, watching her from the mist, but as soon as she tried to focus on them, they melted into nothing. This couldn't be real, it couldn't be...

'AWOOOOOOOO!'

Lisa froze. It was all in her head. All in her head...

A terrified scream split the night.

"Marlene!" Lisa yelled, running in the direction of the sound.

After a minute of a mad dash through the thick whiteness, out of breath and panting heavily, Lisa spotted her friend kneeling on the ground, her hands buried in her blonde locks while a smudged silhouette was pointing a wand at her.

"Stupify!"

The spell hit the stranger right in the chest, and he crumpled to the ground. Lisa ran over to her friend and peered into her wide eyes. She could still hear the howling, but something else tugged at the back of her mind. The air was getting colder. Fast.

"Mar! Stand up, come on!" Lisa cried, pulling on Marlene's arm. The other girl seemed to be in a stupor, tears falling from her wide eyes and onto the pavement. "Get a hold of yourself! We need to get out of here!" Lisa tried again and heaved with all her strength, pulling the other girl's arm over her shoulder.

Marlene continued to stare into space, and a chilling thought ran through Lisa's head, and she looked down at her in worry. Marlene couldn't have been Kissed, she couldn't have, people who received a Dementor's Kiss weren't capable of tears. Lisa coiled her arm around the other girl's waist and tried to pull her along, but some movement to her left caught her attention, and she let go, pointing her wand at the shape. The howling in her head got stronger.

A black hooded figure slid through the mist and drew closer, ignoring the unconscious figure on the ground. Marlene screamed again, her shrieks mixing with the calls of the werewolves. Lisa knew the spell, but her limbs felt numb, and her throat was dry as a desert.

"Expecto..." she said weakly. Marlene passed out, and her body sagged on Lisa's shoulder, weighing her down. Her knees buckled slightly. "Expecto..." she tried again, just as another black figure appeared in front of her.

Her heart was beating feverishly, pumping unadulterated fear through her veins. She could see yellow eyes everywhere, the howls were near defeating, and she could almost feel sharp claws tearing at the skin of her back.

Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts, Lisa repeated to herself.

She thought of her best friend, of her bright smile and her sarcastic quips, and how she could die at any second, because she was surrounded by Death Eaters every minute of her life, and should any of them find out she was a spy, they would Avada her without a second thought...

She thought of her cousin, of her other friends, of all the good times they had, and how they were all in the Order now and could be getting a Kiss right this very second; how they were all fighting this hopeless battle, horribly outnumbered and outsmarted, stumbling blindly, surviving thanks to pure chance...

She thought of Remus, the person who kept her going through so many hardships, who made her feel like this war was worth fighting, who was despised just for breathing, who was thought of as a monster by everyone, including himself. The person she loved, who was in danger every day, who was so kind and strong, but all it would take was a single spell and the light in those gentle green eyes would go out, because she wouldn't be there, because she would fail to protect him, just like Makena Bradwell...

"Expecto Patronum," Lisa whispered, feeling the hot tracks of tears run down her face. The miserable white mist that came out of her wand mixed with the surrounding fog and didn't even slow down the two hooded shadows, who were now joined by a third. Lisa's knees sank a little more. Marlene was beginning to slip from her grasp.

One of the Dementors was close enough to touch her now, and it slowly extended his ghoulish, decomposed hand, wrapping it like a vice around Lisa's wrist. It reached for her chin, but she was completely paralyzed.

"Expecto Patronum!"

Something big and silvery rammed into the Dementor from the side. Lisa sank to the ground, her body and Marlene's suddenly heavy as lead. Someone gripped her free hand firmly, and she felt herself being drawn into the very suffocating feeling of Apparition.

oOo

When she found herself on solid ground, Lisa let go of Marlene and dropped to her knees again, unable to stand. She was swimming in cold sweat, but at least she could breathe again, inhaling the fresh winter air that suddenly seemed tropically warm. A hand gripped her shoulder gently.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked with concern.

Lisa managed a weak nod. She tried to stand up, but her shaking legs couldn't hold her. Lily caught her before she could hit the pavement again and draped her arm over her shoulder, muttering a levitation charm towards Marlene's limp body. Lisa let herself be led into a house and seated in an armchair, then felt something warm and soft cover her shoulders.

"What happened out there?" Lily asked softly, sitting in the chair across her.

Lisa drew the blanket tighter around herself. "I don't know."

"I've seen you perform this charm dozens of times," Lily continued. "You've never had trouble with it."

"... I've never tried to do it while werewolves were howling in my ears," Lisa replied quietly.

Before Lily could respond to that they heard footsteps, and more people entered the room. Lisa finally looked up.

They were at Order HQ. Marlene was lying unconscious on Moody's couch, and Remus, Alice, Frank, Sirius and James had just entered. They were all pale and out of breath, but Frank rushed to Lisa's chair as soon as he saw her.

"Are you okay? Did they Kiss you?!" he asked frantically.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You'd have known immediately if she'd been Kissed, Longbottom. Does she look like a soulless shell to you?"

Remus walked over as well and knelt down next to the chair. "Are you hurt?" he asked softly.

"I'm alright," Lisa replied, avoiding his gaze. "Lily, can I talk to you?"

She stood up and headed to the kitchen. The others moved out of her way, and she patiently waited for the redhead to follow before muffling the room.

"How did you do it?" Lisa asked, cutting straight to the chase.

"How did I do what? The patronus?" Lily asked, confused.

"Yes." Lisa nodded. "I can't freeze up like this again. I need you to teach me what you did to block out the fear."

"I..." Lily hesitated. "I don't really know. I just... said the incantation and thought of a happy memory."

"I tried that," Lisa said in exasperation. "It... it didn't work."

Lily stared at her thoughtfully. "Maybe... your memory wasn't strong enough? What did you think of?"

"I thought of my friends," Lisa admitted. "... And then I thought of Remus."

Lily paused to consider this. "But what did you think of, specifically?"

"Specifically?" Lisa echoed. "I didn't get to specifics. The thoughts turned... bad. Quickly."

Her friend frowned. "In what way?"

"I just..." Lisa hugged herself, dragging the blanket tighter, as if it could help warm her chilled heart. "When I thought of Remus... the more I tried to remember how good he is and how happy he makes me... the more I began to fear losing him. The Dementors, they... they twisted everything. I kept thinking of all the pain and hardship he had to suffer through, and I couldn't stop thinking of how I might lose him, of how I might not be strong enough to protect him..." Tears choked her, and she had to stop.

"I think I understand what the problem is," Lily said gently. "You're thinking too much."

Lisa looked up. "I'm thinking too much? Wasn't the point to think happy thoughts?"

Lily shook her head. "Not necessarily. You're supposed to gather that fuzzy feeling, that happiness, and then concentrate and sort of... mold your patronus out of it. It's not the thought that is important. It's the feeling." Lisa stared at her blankly. "See, I think it might help if you... pick out a specific memory in advance. Something that makes you really happy," Lily continued. "And then when you face a Dementor, you don't have to think about Remus or all the sadness that comes with the war and his affliction, you only need to remember the way the memory made you feel and concentrate on that. Don't think. Just feel."

Just feel. Lisa closed her eyes and looked through her memories for one that made her feel happy. What made her happy?

Without her meaning to, something popped in her mind. A night not too long ago, when Remus was reading on their battered couch, and she was curled up in a nap on his shoulder, the green blanket covering them. He was warm and comforting around her, and the smell of him, books and tea filled her nostrils. His lips placed a soft kiss on her head and all she could hear was his calming heartbeat, thumping under her hand.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Lisa lifted her wand, and, without having to saying a single word, her silvery rabbit jumped out and hopped happily around the kitchen.

Someone knocked on the door.

"Lil? Is everything all right in there?"

Lily exchanged a look with Lisa, and the latter nodded, undoing the muffling charm.

"We're fine, James!" the redhead yelled through the door.

Lisa sighed and went over to open it, finding James and Remus on the other side. Without a word, she buried her face in Remus' chest and mumbled, "I want to go home."

The werewolf threw a look at Lily, who only shook her head and said nothing.

"Alright," he said, wrapping an arm around his girlfriend and leading her to the exit.

oOo

As soon as Remus lied down in the bed, Lisa immediately hugged him tightly and pressed her lips to his neck.

"Are you really alright?" he whispered in the darkness.

"I am now," she replied, and he could feel her mouth curve into a smile against his skin.

"Was it the Dementors?" he said, caressing her arm gently.

"Yeah..." she admitted. "They got a little too close for comfort." Remus looked down at her in alarm. She laughed softly. "Relax, Lily came to the rescue. I'm fine, I was just a little shaken up."

His arms tightened around her. "We should have never split up."

"You know we had to. Marlene was faring pretty badly, if I hadn't gotten there when I did, she might not have made it." Lisa turned her head up in the dark. "Did you have trouble? I imagine being around those things was harder for you than it was for any of us."

"We have all seen the horrors of war," he said solemnly.

"But not all of us have bitten themselves bloody," she pointed out quietly.

"It was... more difficult than I expected," he admitted. "I'd read about the effects they have on people and I thought I was ready... but nothing can prepare you for the way you feel when they're near."

Lisa nodded in a silent agreement. "But you did it, didn't you? You produced a corporeal patronus?"

"Yes," he said, and was surprised at the way she sighed in his neck. "Couldn't you?"

"Not all of us are so magically gifted," she said bitterly. Of course he did it. He was a million times better than her. In anything.

To her surprise, he chuckled. "It had nothing to do with magical ability. I just have more powerful happy memories than most." He twisted his head to plant a light kiss on her forehead.

"Of course you'd say that," she mumbled grumpily.

Remus shrugged. "It's the truth."

"Yeah, yeah." Lisa yawned widely and snuggled up to him. It didn't really matter that he was so much more powerful than her. As long as she got to stay like this, lost in his scent and his warm embrace, feeling his heart beat under her fingers, nothing else mattered.

"I love you, Remus," she whispered.

His lips found hers, and his heart replied in their place.

Thump. Thump. Thump.