IX: Bloodlust

[Warning: This chapter is not for the squeamish.]

Despite the stamina potions, we were happy to make it back to the inn in Ivarstead. We filled Lydia in on everything, then spent a few hours sleeping our exhaustion off.

It was still daylight when we awoke, but the sun was about to set. I looked out the inn door impatiently, then turned to my companions. "I take it you two don't want to travel at nighttime?"

"I'd really rather not," Lokir said apologetically. "I'm sure you'd do fine if we were attacked in the dark, but we Nords don't see so well in the dark."

I sighed. "This would be a lot easier if you two were Khajiit."

"Are you up for another swordfighting lesson?" Lokir asked.

"Might as well," I said.

We spent the last full hour of sunlight training. Lokir informed me that I was almost as good with a sword as he was. He thought he might be able to give me one more lesson, and then I would need to find a new teacher.

We headed back into the inn. I walked over to the innkeeper and asked, "Do you have any kind of a bathhouse?"

"Bathhouse?" he asked, looking confused. "Well, we don't have any kind of structure, but you're free to take a dip in the river. It's fed by snowmelt, so it's really cold."

I sighed. "I was hoping for something a little warmer, but that's better than nothing. Is there any discreet place I could use?"

"It's almost dark. You won't have to worry about spectators."

"I can see in the dark. I don't count on darkness to hide me."

"Ah, right," he said, seeming to remember I was a Khajiit. "If you go east across the bridge, there's a small island out in the water to the north. It should be private there."

"Why? Is there something on the island?"

"It's the entrance to some sort of ancient burial tomb. I've heard the locals call it Geirmund's Hall. Nobody knows anything about it other than its name, but it gives everybody a really bad feeling."

"Okay. Thanks for the suggestion," I said. It didn't sound like anyone had seen any ghosts or draugr there, so that was good enough for me.

Lokir and Lydia were sitting by the firepit, preparing to eat supper. I let them know what I was doing and promised I'd be right back.

Once I arrived at my destination, I spent a few moments observing the small island. I thought I saw the mouth of a cave leading down into the island, but it was hard to make out through the trees. Something about the island made me uneasy, but I saw nothing on the island other than a pair of deer.

After another moment wondering if I might find myself exploring that tomb one day, I put it out of my mind and rummaged in my pack for a change of clothes. I went for a quick swim in the icy lake, then put my old bloodstained clothes in the water with several rocks to weigh them down. I'd come back for them in the morning. Maybe I could tie them to my saddle to dry.

I put on my spare clothes, hung my mother's Talos amulet around my neck and picked up my armor. It was starting to look a little rough. Grandmother Ma'hini had been a master at repairing armor, but the Nords seemed to have little appreciation for that skill. I wasn't sure what I had to do to repair the armor, but I wasn't tired yet and the sun was just setting, so I had all night to figure it out.

I could just buy a new set, I thought, then wondered if that was the attitude that had caused the Nords to stop worrying about repairing their armor.

I put on my boots and sword-belt and stuffed the rest of my gear in my pack. I headed back up the hill to the cobblestone path, absently noting that a group of people carrying torches were crossing the bridge beside me. Probably guards, I thought.

They were on my left. I usually turn my head quickly to the left every few steps to compensate for my reduced visual field, but right then I was keeping an eye on the rocks on the path in front of me, so I didn't really look at them as I stepped onto the path just as they caught up with me. .

"Stop!" the one in front suddenly shouted, and I finally looked at him.

It was a group of ten Thalmor.

"What is that?" the leader demanded, drawing his sword and pointing the tip at me, an inch in front of my Talos amulet.

"That… that's a necklace that belonged to my dead mother," I said. "I don't have anything else to remember her by."

He snorted derisively. "That is all the proof we need of your Talos worship. Come with us."

One of the others came up on my left and grabbed the amulet before I could react, snapping the cord.

"Hey, give that back!" I shouted.

"We gave you an order," he said haughtily.

I sighed. "Look, you're overreacting. I am not a worshipper of Talos. The only Divine I have any sort of relationship with is Akatosh. You're not going to accomplish anything by attacking me. It would be best for both of us if you just walked away."

The other Thalmor drew their weapons. "So you choose to resist?" the leader said with a laugh.

"FUS RO!" I shouted.

My Shout was now strong enough to toss them into the air. Four of them went over the side of the bridge, while the other six landed heavily on the ground beside the inn.

I walked up to the edge of the bridge. "I am the Dragonborn and I will give you one last chance. You can walk away, or I can kill you."

The six beside the inn got shakily to their feet and advanced on me with weapons drawn.

I drew my sword and suddenly realized I had put my shield away with the rest of my armor. The only armor I was wearing now was my pair of boots, and the Thalmor were unlikely to go for my feet.

I took off running across the bridge, hoping to lead them away from the innocent villagers. I didn't think to call for Lydia and Lokir until it was too late, but I had used my Shout right beside the inn, so I would just have to hope they realized I was in trouble.

While I ran, I fumbled around inside my pack for my bow and quiver. I hastily slung the pack on my back and drew back an arrow. I turned and did my best to run backwards while I aimed. This hindered my accuracy, but I still saw one of them stagger as an arrow hit him in the leg.

Only six of them were following me. I didn't have time to wonder where the other four had gone.

I glanced behind me and saw I was almost up against a rock wall. I stopped so I could aim properly. My next arrow hit a different Thalmor in the chest. He staggered and fell to the ground.

I heard a bear roar off to my left. I looked over and saw one emerging from the mouth of a cave in the rock wall. It charged at me. I turned to run, and it grabbed my pack. I tugged frantically to get away. The strap holding it on snapped and I tumbled forward.

The bear was momentarily distracted by his new prize. I had no choice but to get away without it. I ran to the right, with the Thalmor following.

I heard one of them scream suddenly. The sound was cut off abruptly. I glanced back and saw the bear had lost interest in my pack and caught up to the Thalmor I had shot in the chest. It was dragging the lifeless body back to the cave.

I slung my bow over my shoulder and drew my sword. I would be unlikely to get far enough ahead to use the bow again.

I screamed and fell to the ground when an arrow hit me in the back of the leg. I jerked it out and had just enough time to use a healing spell before the Thalmor caught up to me.

I jumped up and leaped forward, keeping low, and struck the first one across the legs. He went down, and I quickly chopped his head off, then braced myself for the other four.

I found myself wishing I had chosen to train with a greatsword. I could have used it as a crude shield to block blows. But I was left with nothing, having to rely on agility to avoid mortal wounds.

I tried ducking the first blow, slashing across his ribs and rolling away, but another of them swung down at me as I rolled past, grazing my back. I whirled around and hit him in the leg, but I had to leap out of the way of another opponent before I could strike again.

I got to my feet and went for the closest one. As my bloodlust rose, so did my ferocity, and I found myself slashing at him too quickly for him to counterstrike. He did his best to block with his blade, so few of my blows got through.

I'm going to wear myself out, I realized. One of my strikes finally got through solidly, slashing him across the stomach. He stumbled backwards, and another took his place before I could finish him off.

Another arrow struck me, this time in my left side below the ribs. With no armor on, it went in deep. I hissed in pain and turned to confront the archer. I charged him desperately. He kept his bow out and fired another arrow at me, but I rolled to the side just in time and he missed. At the end of my sideways roll I leaped forward and hacked him across the belly. I landed unsteadily and fell to my side, and by the time I had righted myself, another Thalmor had come to his rescue.

I saw the archer healing himself behind my new opponent, and I glanced back and saw the last one I had almost finished off was also healing himself. I also saw the fourth and final Thalmor standing behind me, raising his hands, and before I could react, a continuous cloud of ice billowed out from his hands and washed over me, every bit as intensely cold as the ice spell the ice wraith had used.

I tried to roll away from him, but he followed me, keeping the freezing cloud on me. Another Thalmor came at me with his sword again. I swung at him and deflected the blow, but the cold was getting to me and I wasn't reacting as fast anymore.

I needed to heal myself, but I had no time to use a spell and no food or potions with me. All of my supplies were back at the bear cave. But the Thalmor were able to guard their companions while they healed themselves. If I couldn't take them out soon, I was going to die.

The archer had recovered while I was trying to escape the mage. He shot another arrow at me, this time hitting me in the stomach.

Rage exploded in my head as intensely as the pain in my stomach. Flashbacks of the bandits and of my parents dying flew through my head. I suddenly realized I didn't just want to cut them down with my sword. That wasn't bloody enough.

The Thalmor hesitated when they saw my body start to waver and grow. I heard them gasp in surprise as my form solidified into the werewolf.

I lunged at the mage. He kept his hands up, keeping the spell blasting me in the face, but I ignored the freezing pain and grabbed his arms, clamping them down at his sides with my huge paws. He started to scream, but I clamped my jaws around his head and neck and gave a mighty sideways wrench.

The accompanying sound might have made my true self vomit, but the beast hardly noticed.

The other Thalmor screamed in horror and backed away, leaving me standing over the mangled corpse. I looked down at it and suddenly I knew something about werewolves we had not been told.

Feeding on dead bodies would heal my wounds.

I want to say I did it to heal myself, but I don't think that was my real motivation. Deep down, I was just hungry for blood, for his heart.

I felt my strength returning and my pain fading as I consumed his heart. For a moment, the beast inside me was elated. For a moment, I realized this was what I really wanted. I wanted to rip my enemies apart and drink their blood. For just a moment, that part of me that became so excited at the prospect of battle was sated, had exactly what it had been craving.

Then it was gone and I was left crouched over a corpse with no head or heart. I looked down at what I had done to the body and wondered if I should keep eating, if that would satiate the bloodlust and heal my wounds further.

Then I heard my opponents rushing at me, and I looked up at them.

I didn't see three more Thalmor advancing, I just saw three more hearts to feast upon.

I ran to meet them. I swung my right paw forward, catching the first one across the chest. His armor did little to stop my massive claws. He toppled to the ground and stayed there.

I turned my attention to him, ready to feast on another heart, but another Thalmor came at me. He hit me in the side while I was distracted. I whirled and smashed my fist into his head. He also went down, and I fell on him and finished him off.

As I was leaning down to tear his chest open, an arrow struck me in the neck. I howled in pain as the blood started to gush out. I awkwardly tried to pull the arrow out, then rushed at the archer.

He tried once again to fire one last arrow at me. It really was his last arrow. It hit me in the neck too, and if I had been farther away, it might have saved him and finished me, but I was on him before the blood loss hit me.

I pulled the arrow out and fell to all fours, blood spurting from my neck in two places. Even if I had no desire to consume their hearts, in that moment it was the only thing that could save me. I was stumbling and ready to pass out as I took the archer's heart. It gave me enough strength to return to the last two corpses.

Once I had feasted, and I had no further targets, my bloodlust began to wane. My neck wounds were healed, but I had still lost a lot of blood. I settled down heavily in the trampled grass to rest. I laid my head down and closed my eyes.

"Ra'wati?" I heard Lokir call.

"Are you sure that's her?" Lydia asked.

After a moment of silence, Lokir said, "When I see its eyes, I'll be able to tell."

I picked my head up wearily and saw him and Lydia walking up to me cautiously. They both looked bloody and exhausted. As the light from Lydia's torch fell on my face, they both relaxed, seeing my blank white eye.

I thought back to the four missing Thalmor, the ones who had been knocked in the river. They must have been delayed by being swept downstream a bit and caught Lokir and Lydia when they came out to see why I had Shouted.

I tried to push myself to my feet, but I suddenly began changing back into a Khajiit. I lost my balance and fell over.

I laid there in the grass for a moment, afraid to move. "By the Nine, what have I done?" I breathed.

"You defended yourself, that's what," Lydia said curtly. She knelt beside me and pulled me into a sitting position, then handed me my clothes.

Lokir was standing with his back politely turned. Either that or he didn't want to look at what I had done to the Thalmor. "What set them off?" he asked.

"I hadn't put my armor back on yet and I had my Talos amulet in sight." I put my head in my hands. "I told them they could walk away. I wasn't going to kill them… I couldn't heal myself and they were winning, I had to become a werewolf or die… I never meant to do this…"

"Hey, it's okay," Lydia said gently. "They asked for it."

I sighed. "That's not the worst part. What I did here…" I waved back at the corpses, not ready to look at them yet, "it was fun. More fun than I've had in years. And that wasn't just the werewolf that enjoyed it."

Lokir sighed. "I haven't seen you attack anyone that didn't deserve it or provoke you. It's nothing to worry about. Besides, nobody likes the Thalmor."

"And yet the Emperor bows to them," I said slowly.

Lokir shrugged. "The Emperor is weak. I don't think he wants them around any more than we do."

"But he allows it and looks the other way when they harm people," I said slowly, then sighed. "Lokir, I know you won't like the idea, but I think I'm ready to go to Windhelm and hear Ulfric Stormcloak out."

Lokir finally turned to look at me. Good thing I was fully dressed now. "You can't be serious."

"Ulfric wants to throw the Thalmor out of Skyrim. What's wrong with that? If the Emperor won't protect the people, somebody else needs to."

Lokir looked down and sighed. "I don't know. I've always been loyal to the Empore…"

"You don't have to come with me. You're a better thief. You can go on to Riften, or see about joining the Dawnguard, while I go to Windhelm. I can meet you in Riften a couple days later."

He nodded reluctantly. "If you're certain. As long as you don't make any promises to Ulfric without me present."

"I just want to hear him out, that's all."

"We can worry about that tomorrow." He helped me to my feet and threw one of my arms over his shoulder. He helped me back to Ivarstead while Lydia spent a few minutes collecting items from the corpses.

The guards were very understanding when we returned. They were sympathetic to the Stormcloaks and happy to see the Thalmor taken out. One of the guards fetched my pack from outside the bear cave, while another found my Talos amulet and returned it to me. I thanked him profusely and put it in my pack where no more Thalmor would see it.

While a lot of the Thalmor armor was destroyed beyond repair, we pieced together two full sets. Lokir and I donned them in place of our Imperial armor. We also took their elven bows and swords. And we'd still get a fair amount of gold for what was left.

We set out at dawn, following the lakes and river east to Riften. We stayed together until we saw the city of Riften up ahead, hidden from view by a tall stone wall. We stopped to make our final plans.

"You're absolutely sure you want to do this?" Lokir asked.

"Yes. It's just reconnaissance. I'm not making any commitments."

"Okay. I want to stay by your side, but I just don't feel comfortable with the Stormcloaks."

"It's okay. I'm not taking it personally."

"What about me?" Lydia asked.

"Do you have anything against the Stormcloaks?" I asked.

"No, I'd rather stay neutral."

"You should go with Ra'wati. I'll be fine here," Lokir said. "And if I go to Fort Dawnguard, it's just a short journey. It's much farther to Windhelm. Ra'wati will need your help more than I will."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Sounds like there are a lot of criminals here…"

"They can't be worse than a dragon."

Lydia agreed to come with me, but she wouldn't take Lokir's horse, even when he insisted he was just going to leave it at the stables. She held that he would need it if he decided to check out Fort Dawnguard. So to be fair, I dismounted and loaded our packs onto the horse's back, and Lydia and I said farewell to Lokir and set out north on foot.

SOUNDTRACK: "Game On" by Disciple, "Waking the Demon" by Bullet for My Valentine, "The Animal" and "Devour" by Disturbed, "Breathing Blood" by Oh, Sleeper

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm a longtime ethical vegetarian and I was raised in a religion with a major taboo against consuming blood, so this chapter was hard to write. I actually don't understand what's going through Ra'wati's head during the werewolf scene, but I wanted to challenge myself to write someone with an alien mindset.

I hate having Ra'wati master the sword so fast. This is one of those things that makes sense in a video game, but not in fiction. Since there's no way around it without changing her backstory, I'm grudgingly going with the "mastery in a month" setup, but let me repeat that I'm not happy about it.