It was May, the month of memories for her. It was coming up on seven years since her Yale graduation, seven years since her marriage, but all of that was in the back of her mind when her six year old son was at his second grade award ceremony. The seat next to her was unoccupied, Finn having supposed to have been the person occupying it, but he had a last minute business meeting preceded by strings of apologies and promises to make it up to them. But those promises or apologies meant nothing. He was missing Eli's celebration.
When her son's name was called, she found herself clapping with such vigor that she felt her hands stinging. Most Adventurous, Honor Roll, and the top reader of his grade. She couldn't have been more proud of him.
Afterwards, she found him in the classroom, packing his belongings into his backpack. He looked sad, and she was sure it was because school was over with for the summer. His love for school rivaled hers, a fact that made her proud. He got his love for learning from her, but he got his smarts from his father. That's what she always told him, because her knowledge was booksmarts, but Logan's was world wide - as was Eli's. When he was done gathering his things, he walked over to her and she hugged him tight before standing up and leading him out of the building.
"You okay, Eli?" she asked once they were in the car. He dropped his bag in the floorboard of the Prius before buckling in. A scowl was plastered on his face, reminding her of his father's temper, the same scowl plastered on Logan's face many times before.
"I told you about Ricky and how he picks on me. Well, today after the awards he comes up to me asking why my dad wasn't there." She pulled onto the highway, glancing into the rearview mirror periodically as Eli continued his story. "I told him my dad couldn't be there because he died and he kept making fun of me. I hate that Dad wasn't there, and I know he couldn't be there. But why wasn't Uncle Finn? He's always there!" Taking a deep breath, she thought about what she was going to say. There wasn't much to say, quite frankly.
"Ricky is a bully," she told him, finally. "Even though Dad couldn't be here doesn't mean he wouldn't have been proud of you. You're becoming more like him every day! You take risks, you try new things, you love to read and write. I swear, the only thing you get from me is the eyes. You are Logan's boy in every way." When she said this, she saw him smile, his face beaming. "And you know Uncle Finn would have been here, but something happened at work. You know how Finn's work is and how sometimes he has to leave suddenly. But I know that when he gets back, he'll take you out to celebrate. You're a third grader now! Now, how about on the way home, we stop for ice cream?" The boy nodded his head vigorously and she smiled, turning on the Disney CD and allowing it to play over the speakers. Eli sang along, dancing.
For a moment, she lived in the moment, forgetting about Logan and Finn. Maybe she needed to swear off men in general, save for Eli. Eli was her world. She woke up every day for him, lived for him. He was the reason for her even still being there. Had they not had Eli, after Logan died, she would have left Connecticut and made a life for herself anywhere else. She would have been like Honor, running from everybody and everything that reminded her of Logan. But because of Eli, she stayed. She gave him a good life, and she succeeded. She was a single mother of an amazing young boy, was a reporter for the Hartford Gazette, and had an amazing set of friends and an amazing family to be there with her every step of the way.
Once the duo got their ice cream, they sat at one of the tables enjoying. "So, how does it feel to be a third grader?" she asked him with a smile between bites. He just rolled his eyes and continued eating his ice cream. "Okay, fine. So, baseball signups are going on. Did you want to sign up for it this year? I know you loved t-ball."
"Yeah!" he said much more enthusiastically than she would care to admit. He really was his father's son. She barely liked taking walks, let alone sports. She still didn't understand one thing about baseball, and that's where Finn came in to explain it for her.
"Okay, so I'll email the coach about getting you on the team. We're going to the Vineyard again this year. I know you think it's boring, but I think you're going to love it this year," she said with a twinkle in her eye. She really hoped that having Steve and Kwan there this year would make him enjoy it a little more. Lane and Zach were excited as well, having never been to the Vineyard before. "What else do you want to do this summer?" Taking another bite, she saw Eli think hard.
"I want to visit Dad," he finally said. She coughed a couple times in shock. He'd been to see Logan many times, but never on his own accord. He'd been dragged there twice a year every year, occasional visits throughout the rest of the months. "I know you go and talk to him, and Uncle Finn and Uncle Colin go and talk to him, and I want to go and talk to him."
"Honey, you know he won't answer, right?" He looked at her, confused.
"Well, Mrs. Kim says that the people we love answer through God. So, I figure, God will get his message to me." She just nodded, not wanting to bring up the arguments she had against God. If He was real, why did he take Logan from them?
When the two were finished, they threw away their trash before getting back in the car and driving home. It was filled with conversation silence, but Disney still blasted through the speakers. She couldn't help but smile at his dancing and singing, his carefree attitude. If he was one-tenth of what Logan was, she was going to have her hands full.
Once arriving home, Eli grabbed his bag and ran inside and to the library to finish the book he had been reading, A Series of Unfortunate Events, but before he reached the room she heard him yell out. "Uncle Finn!" Walking into the living room, she saw the man hugging Eli tight, a gift in hand.
"I'm sorry I missed the ceremony, buddy, but how about we go to dinner tonight?" Eli nodded as Finn handed him the wrapped present. With the tears of wrapping paper, Eli held the book up for Rory to see. She smiled, laughed, and rolled her eyes.
"I think you're going to have to grow into War and Peace." But Eli was excited nonetheless. When he disappeared into the library, Finn wrapped her in a hug and kissed her softly. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, Love. And I really am sorry about that, but Dad's sick and that hotel was on the verge of shutting down." She had heard all the excuses before, all the reasonings on why he was gone or why he missed an event of one kind or another. She hated the excuses, hated that he was able to find a reason for disappearing.
"You need to talk to your dad or the board, something. I can't have you flitting in and out when it comes to Eli. He was looking forward to you being there, Finn, and you crushed him!" He nodded, looking down as she pulled away. "I understand your dad is sick, but they have offices around the world to handle these things. You know that. Are we not enough for you? Are you running every few months because it's getting too serious? Because if that's the case, then I can do something about that." His head whipped up, looking at her with worry and concern.
"I'm not running off, Rory," he told her seriously. "Since his birthday, I haven't been with anybody else. I told you I wanted to make this work, and I've been trying. I'm sorry Dad thinks it's okay to send me off, but I can't blame him since he doesn't know we're serious. If he were to know then things would be different, but as far as he's concerned, I'm still the same Finn I was a year ago." She knew he had a point, having kept their relationship between only their friends. Once word got out, she was afraid of reactions similar to Colin's. And she knew Shira's reaction would be far worse.
"Finn." She couldn't think of an excuse for what they both knew was the truth. "I just can't, not yet at least."
"When, then, Rory? It's been six months. I've shown you I've grown up, I've been serious about both my commitment to you and to Eli. What more do you want from me?" She looked at him with tears in her eyes. There was one thing she wanted him to be, and that was Logan.