Chapter Two: A Little Bit Stronger
It doesn't happen overnight
Then you turn around a month's gone by
And you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you an hour
Or another second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger.
"A Little Bit Stronger" by Leighton Meester (Country Strong)
"How you feeling baby?" Renee asked as I packed my suitcases for my return to Washington. I shrugged.
"We'll see once I get back," I said. "But I do have to go back. My tuition is only covered by Charlie's police thing in state." She sighed.
"I already told you that Phil would…" she let her voice trail off at my dark look. I would not let Phil pay my way through college. I wasn't his responsibility just because he married my mother.
"I can't run from my problems forever," I said instead of starting that argument again.
"How the hell did you get so responsible?" She joked flinging her arm around my shoulder and clutching me in close. "You sure as hell didn't learn that from me."
"Charlie!" We said in unison and both laughed. My very crabby, very thrifty and very responsible father was definitely more like me than my scatterbrained, devil-may-care mother.
"And if you see Jake," she began hesitantly.
"More like when," I interrupted trying to zip my bulging suitcase. "Kind of an inevitability given the small town life."
"Are you going to be okay?" She asked. "Seeing them together I mean." I lifted one shoulder and then dropped it.
"Mom I will have to be," I said. "I can't keep falling apart when bad things happen. Shit happens. I need to bounce more. Like you." I gave up and threw my weight onto the suitcase while Renee zipped it up. She cupped my face with both hands.
"Don't be too much like me," she said. Her blue eyes, so unlike mine, crinkled at the corners. "You have a special heart. Don't give it to just anyone the way I used to." I leaned into her touch a little and closed my eyes for a second.
"How do I know if he's the right person?" I asked.
"He'll fight for you," she answered. "Not literally of course. But if Jake had been the right person for you he would have fought his own destiny to keep you in his life. Let him come to you baby. You've earned a little pursuing."
I thought about her statement on the plane ride home. Guys had just always sort of been there if I wanted them. Edward first and then Jake. I never really had fallen for someone slowly. I was either completely out or all the way in. Both relationships felt real, like they were supposed to happen, but still I was alone. Maybe I would stay that way, like Charlie. He'd never remarried after my mother and rarely dated. He was just okay being alone. I wondered vaguely if it was easier. You have a special heart. Renee's words rang in my head and I sighed. Special as it might be, it wasn't less broken.
"Swan!" A deep voice called as I sat at baggage claim waiting for my three suitcases. Paul came into view and lifted me off my feet.
"Holy crap you got tan!" He said setting me on my feet. He tipped my chin up with one finger and looked into my eyes steadily. "And stronger too I see." I slapped his hands away and he laughed.
"The purple ones," I said pointing to the conveyer belt. He rolled his eyes but hauled each of them easily off the belt.
"Slave driver," he complained but he was grinning.
"So you drew the short stick?" I asked as we hauled the suitcases to his vintage blue mustang. He shrugged.
"Sam asked and I said sure," he said. "Everyone has been pretty busy this summer."
"How many more panties dropped at your feet?" I asked teasingly as we started to slowly wind our way out of Seattle. He grinned.
"A few," he said. "You?" I shook my head.
"I mostly read on the beach, drank the Mai-Tai's my mom made me and listened to my Ipod," I said.
"Boring," he said making a face. "I thought for sure you would have some sort of summer fling with the pool boy or something." I laughed.
"They live on the beach. The ocean doesn't have a pool boy," I pointed out. He made a face.
"Life guard then," he improvised.
"I wanted to keep it boy free," I said. A slow grin spread across his face and I smacked his arm. "Shut it, you."
"I didn't say anything," he said but his hazel eyes sparkled. I found, with some shock, that I had missed Paul. It was probably because, unlike the others, he never tried to coddle me. When he was supposed to patrol my house he would either phase and hang out like a normal person or give me more space than he was supposed to. I studied him from the corner of my eye as he drove. Paul certainly was handsome enough with his high native cheekbones and smoky hazel eyes. But there was a confidence in the way he moved that many people lacked. He was comfortable in his own skin.
"How is everyone?" I asked impulsively. He shrugged.
"Sam and Emily are good. You know how solid they are. Kim is driving Jared up the wall with wedding planning stuff. Leah still hates everyone. Jake…well he is fine," Paul answered.
"I'm glad," I said quietly. "Despite what happened he should be happy." Paul glanced over.
"You look different," he said after a minute. "Healthier maybe. Can't put my finger on it."
"It's the tan," I said. "And I put on a little bit of muscle. Phil runs on the beach every morning, you know as part of conditioning, and I started going with him."
"How far you guys go?" He asked. I shrugged.
"I would say about five miles. But that's in the sand. Different than running on the sidewalk," I said slightly defensively.
"Well it looks good on you Swan," he said with a lazy grin. "The pack is barely going to recognize you."