私は空を見上げChapter 3: Yanagi's Seashore

STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES

Set during Yanagi's summer break, first year of Senior High in Rikkai.

-oOo-

Have you ever stood at the seashore and just closed your eyes to feel the waves of the ocean crashing into the yielding sand of the shore? Or gave you ever buried your toes in the sand that you feel so cold despite the scorching heat of the sun? Have you ever tried lifting your face to the open sky and just watched sea gulls flying above? How about running around in the sand that you eventually get sand in your shirt and underpants, but it never really bothered you because your heart felt merry and light?

I use to know how that felt.

They say I was the strategist; I had a plan for everything, because I studied the circumstances and was able to project the outcome of an event. Maybe it was pure science, or maybe even just a hint of luck? Frankly, right now, I don't know. What has pushed me to question my own predictions?

I thought Sadaharu how to utilize data in tennis; we were best friends after all. And although the friendship had been scared, I believe it was still there. But where did all the data go? Was it this one thing that I couldn't predict? One battle I could not strategize on. One defeat that I could only bear, because there was no other way to do this, only the way it is right now.

The sea is so peaceful today, such gentle waves kiss the shore today; unlike my heart.

"Shhh, be quiet Sadaharu, Renji might hear us."

"Renji heard. What are you two doing?"

"Betsuni."

"What are you two hiding behind you?"

"Renji why don't we buy some snow cones?"

"Sadaharu, you're stalling, what we're you two hiding?"

"Daijabou Sadaharu."

"E?"

"Are you sure?"

"Daijabou."

"So are you going to show me now?"

"Tanjoubi omedetou Renji!"

"E-e?"

"You couldn't wait a while longer until we finished it couldn't you?"

"I know it's just made of sand, but Sadaharu and I worked really hard to collect these shells to make your cake really nice Renji."

"Arigato."

During the summer season, people flock to the beach to swim, or play in the sand, or just lie there and tan. This for people who have the luxury of having a beach to go to but growing up where we did, we never had that. And so we made the most of what ever chance we had to visit the beach, and we always made sure we went together. Together—it seems like a very lonely word now.

Can you count the number of grains of sand in a sea shore? I think I dreamed of being able to do that when I was younger. But thinking about it now, it was just impossible. Doesn't the number of grain change constantly, each time the ocean kissed the shore the number of grains change. I wish it was as easy as that to let go of something that you've treasured for so long.

"Renji, why did you not say goodbye to Sadaharu?"

"I couldn't."

"Demo, Renji, aren't we best friends? Sadaharu was really sad when you left without saying goodbye."

"I know. Sadaharu and I, we'll meet again, somewhere. As long as we keep playing tennis, I know we'll meet again."

"What about me? You know I can't play tennis."

Didn't they say that breathing in some fresh air, some ocean air, can make you healthy? Didn't they say the relaxing sounds of the sea side can calm a weary heart? Didn't they say that tears shed in the ocean can wash away the pain? Then why do I feel like I'm dying? Why am I suffocating? Why am I still hurting?

I use to be happier.

"When we're older, I'll buy a parcel of land near the ocean, and I'll build a house for us."

"What about Sadaharu?"

"E?"

"What about Sadaharu?"

"Sadaharu?"

"Hai."

"Sadaharu—eto, he'll live in the light house nearby."

"The light house?"

"Hai. The light houses, so that he can always watch over us, keep us in line, sort of like a compass."

"Hmn."

It was always the three of us, always the three of us. Like a clover held together at the stem, we were perfect that way. Maybe not considered a good luck charm, but perfect none the less. Because we had the ocean, we had the shore, and it was enough to fuel our dreams.

I still see your face in my dreams, I can still see your foot prints on the sand; I still feel your heart beating.

"You overworked yourself again."

"Renji, hasashiburi."

"Sou dane. Has Sadaharu been taking good care of you?"

"Renji."

"Daijabou desu ka? What did you do this time? Ran around in the school yard again?"

"I miss you."

"I—I miss you too."

"Why didn't you come visit when Sadaharu was here?"

"Right now, maybe it was best that Sadaharu and I not meet. Daijabou, we'll meet again one day."

"Is it because you attend Rikkai Dai?"

"Nani? Of course not."

"We attend school from two different prefectures, at some point; you and Sadaharu will meet—in the tennis court—as rivals."

"Are you enjoying your schooling at Seigaku?"

'Hai. I may be the most benign student Seigaku has ever had, not attending any club activities, but the people in Seigaku are really nice, especially the Tennis Club guys."

"Sou dane."

"Sadaharu—ever since we went to Seigaku he's found new friends from the tennis club. I often see them walking home together, the six of them."

"Glad to hear that. Well, I shall be leaving now."

"Renji—do you like it in Rikkai Dai?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"If, just in case, you get lonely in Rikkai, Sadaharu and I, we'll be more than happy to welcome you to Seigaku."

"Daijabou. Take better care of yourself, iiyo?"

I should be in summer practice; I should be swinging my racket right now. I should be discussing strategic plans with Genechiro right now. Maybe run a few training courses with Seiichi. Maybe come over and visit Akaya and the middle schooler training in the other campus. Tag along with Yagyuu and his dad in the hospital. Or observe Niou muster up some tricks and traps that he'd probably test on Marui; well, given that Marui was not crossing the country sweets shop hunting with Akutagawa-san. Should I have tagged along with Jackal and visit his home town in Brazil? I should have accepted Sadaharu's invitation to come with his family on that cruise. I don't think it's healthy for me to be around here.

The sea gull's bird sounds seem so distant. Like a memory that I could not hold in my hands.

"Sa, now that you two have settled that, can we go eat?"

"Gomen, I need to go with the team and see how Yukimura's surgery turned out."

"It was wonderful playing tennis with you once again Renji, even if we were on opposite sides of the court."

"When will we see you again Renji?"

"Well, Sadaharu and I, we'll be meeting again in the Nationals, so."

"And how about me?"

"I'll come visit you some time, iiyo?"

"Can we go to the ocean again? All three of us, like when we were kids."

"Aa."

When you dive into the ocean, you can see a totally different world, like the world above doesn't even exist. Under the ocean a life different from that which is on the surface exist. A world just like ours, with predators and preys, with beauty and darkness, but it was thriving with life. A life that some could only wish for, yet this fishes and marine life who swim today and becomes tomorrows dinner, live in it, like death was something that did not exist.

I want to live in that world—where death did not exist.

"What are you saying?"

"It seems my condition has gotten worse."

"There are a lot of new advances right now and there had to be a way, right Sadaharu?"

"The doctor said my heart has grown very weak and I really need a transplant. It seems that is my only hope."

"So have you signed up for the donors list?"

"When we we're in primary school, I was told I may not live to see my eighteenth birthday."

"Don't say that."

"Now I'm fourteen, in a few more months I'll turn fifteen."

"Yamero."

"I saw my two best friends reunited by tennis, even as rivals—I'm happy."

"Please don't talk like you're actually dying. We'll find a donor, you'll get your new heart, and we'll build that house near the ocean."

"Ganbatte ne, both of you, ganbare in the Nationals."

In tennis, a ball is hit with a racket, aiming for a potential space where the opponent cannot return it. But the ocean, no matter where it rushes, somehow, it always hits the shore. Like the waves where meant to meet the shore; like it was destiny.

What does destiny hold for me?

"Renji."

"Omedetou Sadaharu, you won."

"I would say arigato, demo, Renji, her parents called."

"Doushita Sadaharu?"

"We need to go to the hospital, now."

I wish it was summer eight years back, so I can hold your hand and run freely in the sand' so we can collect shells in dig around for crabs.

I wish it was summer six years back, so I can hold your hand and promise you that house near the ocean, near the light house, and we'd all be together, all three of us—happy.

I wish it was summer four years back, so I can hold your hand in the hospital bed and tell you to fight harder, to live a little longer.

I wish it was summer two years back, so I can hold your hand and told you the truth. The truth of how special you were, how amazingly beautiful my life was, with you in it.

I wish it was summer, a year ago—so I can hold your hand again, and give my own heart for you, just so you wouldn't die.

But today it was summer, but I stand here, and your hands are nowhere to be found.

"Yanagi-senpai."

"Akaya?"

"I knew you'd be here."

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be facilitating the summer training for the middles schoolers? You are still their buchou you know, until you graduate that is still your responsibility."

"I had my fukubuchou run the show for me, just for today."

"You do know that if Genechiro ever hears of this he will probably slap you silly?"

"Hai, hai. Demo, he can't slap me silly until I join the senior high tennis club next year, so until then, I'll just enjoy what's left of my being the boss."

"Slacking off as usual."

"And what about you? Why are you not in summer practice?"

"I asked for the day off from our buchou."

"So you can come to this place huh?"

"Hmn."

"Ne, senpai."

"Doushita Akaya?"

"Hontou—Hontouni, Gomennasai."

"What are you saying?"

"I- I know why you're here."

"Really? Sa, why am I here Akaya?"

"Because of her. Your childhood best friend, the girl that was always walking around with Inui-san, you three were really good friends right?"

"Sou dane."

"And you loved her, didn't you senpai?"

"Akaya."

"Gomen, gomen that I killed the girl you loved."

"Akaya! Don't say those things."

"Demo, if I didn't hurt Inui-san badly during our match in the Nationals, he wouldn't have to have been rushed to the hospital—."

"Yamero Akaya."

"She would never have seen him so badly injured. She would never have had that heart attack—."

"I said yamero Akaya!"

"She would still be alive today."

"Akaya!"

"So please senpai, if you must punish me, do so, because I killed the girl that you loved."

The sound of the waves seemed to deafen me; the cool summer breeze seems to numb me; the warm sand seems to have frozen me.

"Akaya, you didn't kill her."

"E? Demo senpai—."

"She had a bad heart, ever since we were young. Even before the Nationals she was already hospitalized because her heart was failing. She needed a transplant, but no heart could be found. It was only a matter of time before she had left us. It was mere coincidence."

"Senpai."

"I was in the court with you that day Akaya. I had the capacity to stop you from doing anything against Sadaharu. It was just a game. But it was a game that cost me my heart."

"Yanagi-senpai."

"So you see Akaya, she was sick. Demo, if someone was to be blamed for her death, it should be me, not you."

Have you ever tried building castles in the sand, then watched as the waves crash your castle and wash it ashore? Have you ever reached for the sun only to blind you eyes? Have you ever just let yourself be washed by the waves? Have you ever seen the same grain of sand washed up by the ocean and returned to the exact same spot? Have you laid in the sand, and let the crashing waves drown your sorrows away?

I am Yanagi Renji, and when I look up the sky, I see the waves of clouds, crashing into the blue shores of the sky; and all I could do, is wish for the waves to wash away the pain in my heart.

-oOo-

Thanks to everyone who have followed/favorite this fic, especially those who gave reviews. Much obliged minna-san.