私は空を見上げ Chapter 4: Jackal's Age Gap
Standard Disclaimer Applies
Gomennasai for the super delayed updates. I've been lifeless.
-oOo-
The seasons change. Winter turns into Spring. Spring becomes Summer. Summer gives way to Autumn. And Autumn returns to Winter. It was a cycle. A cycle never to be broken, until eternity. An eternity that maybe, I will never see.
You were the girl from next door. I was the half-foreign neighbour that everyone stared at when walking down the street. After all, I didn't wear any hair on my head and for a kid my age, people wondered why. Many believed that I had some sort of illness that did not permit my hair to grow. Others thought I was contagious. Most of the kids in the neighbourhood mistook me for some alien that my mother-planet sent to earth in search of world domination. But no one ever dares to even ask. Except for you.
"Ano, you're Jackal Kuwahara right?"
"Hmn."
"Hajimemashite. Atashi wa Ootani Miyako desu."
Your smile caught my attention, in an instant. Because you were interested in my existence, even if, our age were far from each other, you acknowledged that I was alive. And for the first time, I felt that I was, and that existed for more than myself.
Each season brings forth their own special memory, like how the snow slowly melts as spring come.
"Jackal-kun."
"Miyako-sempai."
"Ohayou."
"Ohayou."
"Can I walk with you to school today?"
"Hmn."
"What is that big bag you are carrying? Are, are you a member of the tennis club?"
"Hai. I got into the tennis club."
"Sugoi ne, aa, I wish I had talent for sports."
"Ano, what club are in sempai?"
"Let me see, I'm a member of the videography club, demo, I'm not so good at that either."
You were able to laugh at your own silliness, and you were still able to walk with your head up high. I admired you for that. I could never laugh at my own mistakes. I always worked hard to be better. I looked up to Sanada-kun, Yukimura-kun and Yanagi-kun, even if we are all ichnen, their tennis skills are far beyond mine; they were disciplined and trained well on their own, even when the sempai-tachi was not around.
You were different from all the other girls in your year, all they wanted to do was be pretty and get into any relationship that comes their way, but you were different, you wanted more knowledge, you wanted to explore a lot of things. You wanted to go to a lot of places and learn new things. You were intelligent in your own special way, yet your feet remained planted on the ground, and your eyes were always kept on the sky, yearning for a future that was brighter than your past.
I wipe the sweat from my brow as I return Marui's service shot, pretty much like the summer heat takes away the sakura's petals blown by the Spring wind.
"Miyako-sempai."
"Jackal-kun. I'm so glad you made it."
"Hai, omedetou gosaimazu sempai."
"Arigato Jackal-kun, you didn't have to buy me anything."
"Demo, I wanted to, because today you are graduating from High School."
"Aa. Mou, I feel so nervous going to University Jackal-kun."
"You will surely be more than fine in University sempai."
"You're too nice Jackal-kun."
"Iie, just being honest."
"Then gambaremasu."
"Aa."
"Jackal-kun, in your senior year, continue to take Rikkai to the Nationals, and continue to win."
"Hai."
The day you left Rikkai, was the day my heart stopped beating in proper rhythm. Not because I was now a senior student, with a kohai like Akaya to watch over. It was not even, because Sanada was driving me nuts with his training menu each practice, no, it was not even, because Yukimura-buchou was in the hospital so early in the tennis season. But because you were so far away. The distance between us now sank deeper that I was like drowning in a rushing river; it drove me to the brinks of insanity, like a river pushes the water into a waterfall. Each day that passes by I think of you, asking myself if you were thinking of me too. But that of course was just foolish thinking, and nothing but a child's imagination.
"Konnichiwa!"
"Miyako-senpai."
"Hasashiburi Jackal-kun."
"Hasashiburi."
"How are things at Rikkai?"
"We are nearing the Nationals."
"So I've heard, omedetou, I'm sure you'll win in the tournament."
"Aa, we will make sure that what happened in the Kantou Tournament will not take place in the Nationals."
"Hmn. I'm sure you and the team will do your best."
"Hai. Ano, senpai—."
"Nani?"
"Ano, genki desu ka?"
"Hmn. Ogenki desu. Don't worry about me Jackal-kun, I'm perfectly fine."
Perfectly fine was just what you were. Because you were both perfect, and fine, in every aspect of your life. You told me not to worry, but worrying was all I could do. And honestly I don't even understand why I should, it was not like there was anything going on between us, for all I know, all I was in your eyes was an otouto; that half-Brazilian kid from next door. I knew, from the way you patted my shoulder each time you assure me that everything was fine and dandy with your life.
What lies in the other end of the ocean? What mysteries does life hold for me when I cross the vast blue waves crashing through the shore of my heart? Hear me rambling this way, when I should know better right? After all, I wasn't born in Japan; neither did I really grow up here right? While you were born and raise here. Yet it seems you know the world better than I do. And yet, to me, you were the one who opened my eyes to the beauty that this world holds.
"Miyako-senpai."
"Are, Jackal-kun, genki desu ka?"
"Aa, genki desu. Ano, you might have heard the news about…"
"It is alright. Ne Jackal-kun. Because even if you lost, to the people who believe and cheer for you, you remain to be the winner."
"Senpai—."
"I've always believed in you Jackal-kun, and I will continue to cheer for you, no matter what."
Needless to say, you brought me up from the spiral of despair that I was about just ready to dive into. You have always been my inspiration and reason for smiling for no reason. Each time I remember your words, my mind spins into sanity and the borders of genius. But it seems, no matter how much I try to reach for you, this distance maims my courage, and I just drop my hands to my side and forget I even tried to reach for your hands.
"Ne, senpai, is it true?"
"Nani?"
"That you're going abroad?"
"Hmn. I was chosen as one of the exchange students to one of the University abroad."
"Sou desu ka."
"Isn't it great Jackal-kun? I get to represent our country. Even if just to school purposes. After all, I don't have much of a talent, unlike you."
"Stop saying that senpai, you always look down on yourself."
"And I always look up to you Jackal-kun, because you're talented and smart."
"E? Ore?"
"Hmn. You have been blessed with so much Jackal-kun."
"I think you are equally blessed senpai."
"When I leave in Spring, you'll be graduating from middle school right?"
"Aa. Sou ka."
"Aa. I'm going to miss the sakura blooming next Spring."
"Hmn. There aren't any sakura where you are going."
"Hmn."
"Ja, then I'll take lots of pictures for you senpai."
"Hontou?"
"Hmn."
"Demo, I think more than the sakura, I'll something more importantly."
"E? What is that senpai?"
"You."
"E?"
"Because I won't have an otouto to talk to when I'm there."
"Aa—."
So I've heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder. So I've heard that distance maims the heart. So I've heard that when you went away, you left your heart in Japan; so that you'll always have a reason to come home.
Home. It's some place you'll always find love and peace, it's a place where you'll always want to come back to. They say, home is where the heart is. Demo, what if, your heart finds a new home? What will you do then? Will you leave the home you once knew? Will you erase all the memories that you have?
"Moshi, moshi."
"Moshi-moshi! Jackal-kun."
"Miyako-senpai, hasashiburi!"
"Ogenki desu ka?"
"Hai, genki desu. And you?"
"Never better—now that I heard your voice."
"E? What do you mean senpai?"
"Nandemonai."
"Senpai, is there something wrong?"
"Ano, Jackal-kun, can you do me a favour?"
"Hmn, what is it senpai?"
"Can you forget about me."
"E? Senpai, what do you mean?"
"I'm never coming back to Japan, so, can you please just forget you ever met me?"
"Demo, senpai."
"Sayonara Jackal-kun."
"Senpai, moshi-moshi, senpai—."
So I've heard, that someone broke your heart. That fragile heart that you left home was crushed into pieces, because it was left in the hands of someone, who did not treasure you—at least not as much as I did. Because I never even knew, that there was someone holding your heart. It makes me wish that I realized sooner, sooner so I could have been the one who took care of that heart that you left behind. Because now, the heart that you left home, is not only wounded and almost dying, more so, it wanders around, not knowing where to go; simply because it has lost its home.
I wonder, where are you now?
"Yo, Jackal!"
"…"
"Jackal?"
"What is it Marui?"
"You're spacing out again."
"Just thinking."
"Didn't she tell you to forget about her?"
"It's not that easy to do Marui."
"Don't you think she told you so, because she knew."
"Knew what?"
"Sa, Jackal. You know I may look like I don't know much. Demo, I'm sure she told you to forget about her, because she didn't want to hurt you anymore."
"She never hurt me Marui."
"Hontou?"
"Hmn."
"Then why are you spacing out with that gloomy look on your face?"
"…"
"She knows Jackal, and maybe, Miyako-senpai didn't want to hurt you any more than she already has."
"Demo—."
"If you truly love her Jackal—you'll do as she says. Learn to forget about her."
When it's daytime here, it's nighttime where you are right? When I wake up, you're just about to sleep. But it fine, because no matter what happens, I'll find you again someday.
I'll wait for you. No matter where you are right now. I'm never going away, even if you find someone new. I'll be right here loving you. As long as I know, you exist, as long as your heart has not healed. Because even if we're worlds apart, I will always believe that you and me, it was not just some childhood memory.
Maybe if I was born a little earlier, I could have been your first love.
My name is Jackal Kuwahara, and when I look up the sky, I see not only the distance in our age—but more so, the distance in our hearts.
-oOo-