So, um, hi! *waves*

Before we start I've got something I'd like to share (and wow that was very AA wasn't it?). I talked to R. Harper (yay you girl!) about the whole Blaine-pretty-much-forcing-a-kiss-on-Kurt thing, and I just thought I'd share what I shared with her. It's what's going on through Blaine's head at this time. Oh wow, I just realized how much it was, so I'll put it at the end of the chapter, ok? You can skip it if you want, I just wanted to share my/Blaine's aspect of this.

Also, I've finally got a beta, so maybe all my typos will be corrected from now on! Thank you Twix, you're the best twinsie a girl could wish for ok

Also yea, sorry it's so short, I just didn't want y'all to wait too long!

When Blaine knocked on the door twenty-two minutes later, Kurt marched to the door. He knew they were going to discuss his problem with letting Blaine get close to him, but before that he had some questions that needed answering. So when he opened the door and Blaine opened his mouth to speak, Kurt held up a hand to silence him.

"I know we need to talk, and I've accepted that, but before we talk about my things, we need to talk about you." Blaine looked slightly taken aback, but he nodded nonetheless before following Kurt into the living room.

Little did Kurt know that Blaine was mentally freaking out. He'd geared himself so much up about this that he'd never even thought about Kurt finding out about his past. And now Kurt was going to call him a hypocrite and tell him to leave and then Blaine would most likely protest and do something stupid and Kurt would slap him or maybe kick him and get him out of the apartment and then-

"Blaine," Kurt touched his arm gently. "You look like you're about to pass out."

Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes and his shoulders immediately slumped in relief. Kurt didn't look mad - not really, at least. His brow was furrowed, but his eyes were just worried. Blaine took a deep breath and straightened on the couch.

"What did you want to talk about?" Blaine almost flinched at his own voice. He sounded rude and angry, and that was not what he was aiming for; but after so many years of only ever using that voice, he didn't know how to sound reassuring and gentle anymore. Thirteen year old Blaine would've done a better job and he'd been an emotional mess.

"Um," Kurt mumbled and looked down. But then he found his voice again and looked into Blaine's eyes. "How do you know about Matthew?" He asked. Blaine's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"What?"

"How do you know about him?" Kurt repeated.

"You told me abo-"

"No, not his name. How do you know he was my boyfriend? How do you know it was him, who… did that?" He said awkwardly. 'Raped me' sounded too awful to say, and he'd never been comfortable with saying it aloud.

Blaine sat back in the sofa and crossed his arms in front of his chest. A clear sign that he was retreating and putting the walls up again, Kurt knew. But he couldn't think of a reason why Blaine would close in on himself. He tried reading Blaine's expression but it stayed closed off.

Until suddenly it wasn't anymore…

Blaine sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. He had to be honest. He needed to be honest. Damn the embarrassment; he was not losing Kurt over such a small thing. And he knew they had to talk about the whole Matthew thing, so he may as well just spit it out.

"I asked Puck," he admitted.

"You… You asked Puck?" Kurt asked incredulously.

"Yea," Blaine muttered and looked anywhere but at Kurt.

"So…" The brunette said slowly. "Do you… Did he tell you all of it?" Blaine could see how uncomfortable Kurt was getting, but this was a bigger problem than he'd thought, otherwise Kurt wouldn't have pushed him away so many times.

"Pretty much," he ended up saying while his thoughts were running crazy.

"So what is there to talk about?" Now it was Kurt's turn to be defensive and closed off. He moved back a bit and pulled his knees up under his chin, as if to shield himself from Blaine.

"We need to talk about why you won't let me touch you," Blaine started carefully. No more snapping, he'd promised himself. He needed to stop doing that, at least around Kurt.

"I do let you touch me!" Kurt protested. Blaine sighed and then took a deep breath.

"Are you afraid of me? Of what I'll do to you?" He asked and seriously hoped his voice didn't sound as hopeless as he thought. "Are you scared I'll force you to have sex with me?"

"I'm- I'm not-" Kurt mumbled and closed his eyes.

"You are, though." Blaine knew he shouldn't have asked when Kurt's stuttering answer made his heart hurt. But he really needed to get this out. They needed to get this out.

"I'm not scared of you," Kurt said desperately. "I know you won't- that you won't- do that."

"But you are scared?"

"Of course I'm scared! I've never made it past the second month in a relationship before, Blaine! They all start out being nice and understanding, but when they realize I'm not just holding back a few weeks, they leave. Why would you be any different?" Kurt winched at how mean that had sounded, but he couldn't help but feel like that. He'd never had a boyfriend for more than a few months, because not all men out there were patient enough to wait for him. They started out patient and sweet, but they just ended up stomping on his heart, because he 'couldn't give them what they wanted from a relationship'.

Kurt was surprised to say the least when Blaine moved closer to him and reached for his hand. He was so surprised he forgot to pull his hand away.

"But I am different, Kurt," he started. "I'm not sweet and patient," and oh wow maybe he should just stop talking because he was not making himself look good. "I can be pretty mean and yea, I'm not afraid to throw a few punches."

Kurt sighed. Blaine was about to tell him that he needed to get over himself, he just knew it. He'd been in this situation before. He tried pulling his hand away, but Blaine had it in an iron grip.

"But," Blaine said. "Have I ever hidden any of that from you?" He asked, and looked into Kurt's eyes. Kurt just gaped. No. No, Blaine had never made himself look like the perfect gentleman. He'd been rude from the start, and Kurt liked that about him. The true-to-yourself thing, not the rude-as-hell thing. So he shook his head.

"I know what people think of me, when they see me, Kurt," Blaine explained, and his expression was so pained that Kurt squeezed his hand.

"But I would never ever hurt you like that." And just the way his voice broke in the middle of the sentence convinced Kurt. But Blaine wasn't finished. "I won't leave just because you won't put out. I like the whole build up." Here the normal Blaine surfaced and sent him a little smirk. Kurt almost laughed. He missed seeing Blaine as a cocky asshole. He'd never say it out loud though. Blaine's ego was big enough as it was.

"But," and now Kurt's almost-smile disappeared completely. Here comes the but. "I can't be in a relationship where you're afraid of me hurting you, Kurt."

"I'm sorry," Kurt mumbled and really, he suddenly felt ashamed that he couldn't just let Blaine hold his waist or touch his arm when they kissed. He liked kissing Blaine; he loved it. But after that day in the office he'd thought it all over. Yes, kissing Blaine was great, but if he started letting kisses like that happen all the time, how would he be able to say no to Blaine? And he knew he wasn't ready for sex; the mere thought of it scared him.

"Have you tried-" And Blaine hated saying this, because that was what everyone always told him to do when they knew of the story. "-talking to someone about it?"

"That doesn't work."

"Kurt," Blaine sighed. "I'm not exactly the best speaker for psychiatrists, but maybe-"

"It doesn't work!" Kurt snapped angrily and Blaine was a bit shocked to see tears in his eyes. "They tell me to forgive and forget, because hey, if I wasn't gay I wouldn't have tempted him and made him fall into my sinful trap and none of it would've happened!"

Blaine felt worse with every word and by the end he was gripping the armrest so hard his knuckles turned white (he refrained from doing so with the hand still holding on to Kurt's). How could anyone say something like that - and to Kurt of all people? Weren't psychiatrists supposed to help people?

"Kurt," Blaine breathed out. "Kurt, look at me." The brunet reluctantly moved his eyes to the man sitting in front of him. "There is nothing - and I mean nothing wrong with you. It has never been and never will be your fault. It was that asshole's fault, and believe me, if I ever meet him, I'll punch his face into his fucking skull," Blaine was panting a bit from his repressed anger, but he swallowed it down. Old memories slowly made their way through his mind, but he focused on Kurt.

"Those people- Those people Kurt, they're supposed to help you. To talk you through your problems." Yes, you have problems, Blaine. "They-" I just want to help you. "They are there to help and they should never-" It's not your fault; it never was. "Never put the blame on yourself. You were a victim, Kurt-" You're just a victim, Blaine. "And you can't ever let people tell you otherwise. They're fucking liars if they do."

"I just-" Kurt tried. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I want to trust you. I want to trust you with all of my heart-" And yea, maybe that was a bit too early, but he'd worry about that later. "-but it's just…" He bit his bottom lip and shook his head. He never talked to people about this. It made him feel pathetic and dirty.

"Talk to me, Kurt, please," Blaine said quietly and scooted just a bit closer. He could see this was hard for Kurt and he wasn't exactly enjoying this himself either.

"Matthew was so sweet," Kurt's voice broke on the last word and more tears made their way into his eyes. "He was so sweet, Blaine, he was everything I wanted and he just- he just-" He took an unsteady breath. "He just changed completely from one moment to another."

Blaine sat with big eyes and stared at him. Sure, he'd gotten the story out of Puck, but hearing Kurt talk about it… It broke his heart. He hadn't imagined Matthew as a complete asshole, but Puck had said he was a jock and he didn't really have any fond memories of those, so he'd never really thought Matthew could've been… sweet.

"I knew I wasn't ready," Kurt mumbled and Blaine had to listen closely to even hear the words. "I knew it, and I didn't think we'd actually- that he wanted to- But then we were on the bed and he was just too heavy to move, and I just- I couldn't push him away, I loved him, I loved him so much and he just- and it hurt so bad, Blaine, it hurt so badly- And I just-" He was sobbing between the words and he knew he must've looked gross, but he couldn't bring himself to care, because Blaine was still there; Blaine was still holding his hand like he'd never let go.

"You're afraid I'm going to change, like he did," Blaine said quietly.

"I-" Kurt wanted to deny it, but really? What would more lying help? "Yes."

He waited for Blaine to get up, yell at him, walk out and never look back. He waited and waited. But Blaine didn't move; he just kept stroking his thumb over Kurt's fingers. When he finally dared to look up, Blaine was staring at him with a gentle look in his eyes.

"I can't promise to never hurt you," he said softly. "I'm probably going to hurt you at some point." Kurt was about to look down when Blaine spoke again. "Just like you're most likely gonna hurt me. But that's what people do, when they're in a relationship, Kurt."

Kurt was about to say something, but Blaine shushed him by placing two of his fingers on his lips. He looked him directly in the eye - something Blaine never really did with people, unless he wanted to intimidate them - hazel locking with blue, and spoke again.

"I can promise you this though. I swear-" He took a deep breath. "-on my mother's grave, that I will never force myself on you again. And for as long as you'll have me, I'll try to be patient and I swear I will do my best not to hurt you."

There was a moment of silence before, "I think I liked this speech better than the one you made earlier," Kurt smiled through his tears. Blaine cracked a smile of his own.

"I gotta start improvising some more then," he said. Kurt nodded and wiped at his tears with his free hand.

"It was a pretty dick move to kiss me, though," he told Blaine with a small smile; hoping to relax the mood a bit. Blaine took it a tad too seriously though.

"It was, and I'm sorry. I should've just…" He couldn't even come up with something else that he could have done. Apparently his brain was only capable of asshole-moves.

"Kept yelling at me instead? Yea, I suggest you do that next time."

"I didn't yell at you," Blaine protested before his brain caught up on the rest of Kurt's sentence. "Wait, 'next time'? Does this mean you forgive me?"

"I- Yea, I do," Kurt said quietly. "But that was strike two, Anderson, so you better be careful from now on," he added in a louder voice. Blaine barked out a laugh that made his eyes crinkle and Kurt's stomach did a little summersault. Yea, it was definitely the right decision to forgive him.

"So, how long do these strikes keep on being on my resume?"

"Oh, they don't disappear."

"What? You can't be serious! I can't make any mistakes for the rest of my life? Cut me some slack, c'mon," Blaine whined and finally released Kurt's hand to bury his head in both of them. Kurt was pretty grateful that Blaine wasn't looking at him, because he was sure his face was the color of a tomato.

Blaine had said for the rest of his life as if… as if that was just what it was. Like they'd be together for that long. After the second date? Kurt admitted that he felt more for Blaine than he had for anyone else, and it had happened faster than he'd liked, but for the rest of his life? He looked down at Blaine's groaning figure and smiled a bit. Maybe they wouldn't last the rest of their lives, hell, with their fighting record they probably wouldn't even last to the end of the month. But for now he was content on just being with Blaine.

Kurt put a hand on Blaine's shoulder and patted it for a moment before he rose from the couch. He sniffled one last time and wiped the last tears away. He could do this; he could enjoy life.

"What're you doing?" Blaine asked from the sofa, where he'd straightened again and was watching Kurt with a curious expression.

"I'm putting on a movie, just like I'd planed before all this happened."

"Kurt, it's-" Blaine looked at the clock. "-past midnight?"

"That doesn't stop me from doing what I planned. Now, are you staying?" He had his back turned, so Kurt didn't see the surprised look at Blaine's face.

"Staying?"

"Yes? Because if you are, we need more ice cream, I am not sharing mine with you. So you gotta go down to the store on the corner and grab some," Kurt explained as he pulled out a DVD from the shelf.

"Do you want me to stay?" Blaine asked as he stood up. He was not going to cross any more boundaries today. Kurt looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Then he turned around to put the DVD in the player.

"Get me a bag of snacks too, when you're down there," he said, and Blaine's face broke into a large grin before he made his way out of the apartment.

"I want the ones with nuts in them!" Kurt yelled down the hall just before Blaine closed the door.

"I know you do!" Blaine's voice called back before the door closed and Kurt smiled a bit. It was going to be alright. Because Blaine was back to being Blaine, and Kurt… Kurt was done having Matthew control his life.

xxx

When Blaine got back from getting ice cream - and snacks - they both sat down on the couch and watched a cheesy movie about a woman fighting her way to the top of things while having to choose between two men. They were sitting close together, but not snuggling into each other. Not that Kurt didn't want to, but that might be too much for them right then. They were, apparently, not really capable of having a peaceful relationship.

When the movie was nearly at an end, Kurt suddenly became very aware of the fact that it was 2am and Blaine was still in his apartment. Would he ask to sleep there? Would he want to sleep in Kurt's bed? Kurt might've accepted the fact that he'd let Matthew scare him away from many things, but he was still not ready to jump into bed with Blaine. Should he let him sleep on the couch? Would that make Blaine mad? Would he think that Kurt was still scared of touching him? He wasn't. He'd never been scared of Blaine's touch. He was just quite sure that Blaine wanted more from the touches than he did.

Blaine surprised them both though, when he rose from the couch a while later. What he really intended to say was something along the lines of 'Gonna let me stay or what?' but instead he heard himself say;

"It's late, I better get home." The grateful smile Kurt sent him made it all worth it though, even if he may've lost a few badass points along the way.

Kurt walked him to the door and they stood in slightly awkward silence before Blaine opened the door.

"Let me take you on a date, when you get back?" He asked as he was on his way out of the door.

"No." Blaine looked slightly scared that the whole night had ruined whatever they were, but then Kurt sent him a soft smile.

"You let me take you out instead," he explained and Blaine grinned.

"Okay," he said.

"Okay," Kurt agreed and then the door closed with a soft thump.

Okay so first of all this is not my way to excuse Blaine from what he did; he should've thought his actions through and he should never have forced Kurt to anything. And just so we're clear - I do not encourage this way to treat people. Anyways, Blaine's thoughts(ish):

You've got the most beautiful boyfriend, and you're used to fucking around, but you really want to change because hey, you actually really really like this guy, and he seems perfect in every way, and so yea, he might not want to have sex (which Blaine sees as pretty much the only way to tell people how he feels and to get an outlet of his feelings), but he's still the best that's ever happened to you.

You know this boyfriend of yours has been through a lot. And you know he's sensitive on the sex-aspect of your relationship. But you'd like to think that you ARE changing, that you really don't scare him, because hey, you're not as bad as that guy who ones raped him, right? Even if you do feel horny, you'd never do anything like that - not to him, not to anybody. You might be an insensitive asshole, but you KNOW you would never do something like that.

And then your boyfriend starts pushing you away. (Remember here, that Blaine's not used to rejection and he KNOWS he'd never hurt Kurt, so why would he push him away after they've started kissing? They've kissed before?) And you get confused because you thought that it was something you could at least do, but you're not even allowed to hold his waist. You don't feel like you're pushing him by holding his waist, but apparently he does.

So yea, you're confused. And when you think about it for a long time, you get kinda angry because hey, what if your boyfriend thinks you'd force yourself on him? You thought he liked you too, all of you, even if you can be a bit mean at times, so yea okay, that hurts. And then your boyfriend tells you, that he doesn't believe you'd stop if you told him to? (I know that's not exactly what Kurt says, but c'mon, even I'd take it like that if I was Blaine)

So you snap. You're going to beat yourself up over it later, but for now you snap. And you have no idea how to let him know that you'd never hurt him like that. And you're hurt. You're so hurt. You know what people see when they look at you. A fucked up person. But you're not. Okay, maybe a bit, but not like that. So you hide your hurt by being a fucking prick (again), because that's what you do. You know you'll regret it, but you're just so hurt that your boyfriend would think you'd actually RAPE him.

So yea, what Blaine did was wrong, so wrong. But people make mistakes. And he KNOWS he did something wrong. And that's something at least. Okay end of rant and wOAH IF YOU READ IT ALL THANK YOU I KNOW THAT SUCKED, ehehe.

Thank you for reading guys, it means the world to me! *teary smiley face*