Hi *waves*
Um. Yea. This chapter really took everything in me, so I hope you'll enjoy it. Sorry for the (again) wait!
Blaine didn't return that night.
In fact, he didn't return the next day either.
It was a Wednesday, and Kurt had to go back to work the next day, but he couldn't concentrate long enough to be excited or sad about it.
He kept trying to text Blaine. Call him. Even sending him e-mails. But maybe his phone had run out of battery? It sure would explain why his calls never got through the first ring.
He'd texted Puck. But he said he hadn't seen Blaine for weeks, except the quick hello at the gym. Then he'd texted Mike, but he hadn't heard from Blaine either. In his panicked state he tried explaining the situation to Mike, and he'd received a loud sigh.
"He does this, Kurt," Mike said.
"What do you mean?" Kurt wasn't proud of how weak his voice sounded. He knew Blaine and Blaine knew him. He'd never just disappear without a word. Would he?
"He pushes people away like this," the Asian boy said with a gentle voice. "Kurt, you know him. Did you really think this would end well? And if he told you his feelings–"
"He loves me," Kurt interrupted, because even though Blaine may have disappeared, he didn't doubt his words for a second. "He wouldn't do this to me, he knows– he knows I'd never forgive him if he just–"
"Maybe that's the point," Mike tried. He could hear the brunette get more and more stressed out. "He's never been good at relationships. I'm not even sure he's ever really been in one – not like the one you guys have at least."
"But… What do I do?"
"You wait. Or you look for him. Whatever you think you should do, but Kurt, don't– don't expect the world from him, okay? He's had it rough even if he never talks about it, and this is what he does."
"He doesn't do it to me."
"Kurt–"
"No. I won't believe that he'll do this to me." Again, his mind supplied. Then an idea hit him. "When does he work out?"
"What?"
"I mean, does he have a schedule or anything?" Normally Blaine wouldn't tell him where he went and it was just fine, because Kurt just assumed he would be at the gym with his boys or something. They didn't need to be together every second of the day. But not knowing where Blaine was at all… It wasn't okay.
"I don't think so. He usually just goes there when he has time. Do you need the address or?"
"No, I've got it."
"Okay. But Kurt, just remember–"
"This is what he does. I got it." And then he hung up. The gym was closed and since he had work, Kurt had to go home to change and at least try to get some sleep. Try being the keyword. Because when he was lying in bed he couldn't close his eyes without having to bite his lips to keep from crying. He was not going to cry. He wasn't.
Blaine would come back. He'd come back and apologize, just like always.
But as he lay in bed thinking, Kurt started to think of 'always'. Did he really want to spend his life – or at least part of it – with someone who ran away every time things got serious between them? Did he really want to be the one to forgive all the time? Was Blaine really worth it?
xxx
Sleeping had never really been a problem for him.
He could sleep anywhere, really. A couch, a chair, a bed; wherever the room was available and he was tired enough. And god, he was tired. It felt like his body was heavier than usually and his stomach felt as if it was made of stone. The only thing not made of stone was his heart. It felt like it was trying to rip itself out of his chest; throbbing and hurting like someone had stabbed it with a sharp object.
He knew of more than one way to make the feelings go away. He knew he could smoke this, take that, and he'd be fine. He'd feel like he was floating and his thoughts would stop; his mind would stop haunting him with memories and pictures.
But he deserved the pain.
He knew the soaring pain was a sign of how he'd once again let his fears consume him. And once again he'd run away; just like he always did. Running and hiding and pushing people away. He'd had too many appointments with his shrink to try to deny that that was what he did.
He never thought he'd start running from Kurt. But he did. And he just didn't know how to stop doing it.
He thought of Kurt. Of Kurt's smile and his eyes. Of the way his breath hitched at certain points; and the way he'd smile a lot, but almost never showing his teeth. When he did though, it was beautiful. He thought of the way the brunette had been lying half-way on his stomach; an arm slung over the now empty spot beside him and legs tangled up in the sheets. His breathing had been steady and slow; his entire body relaxed into the mattress.
He hadn't moved a muscle; not even when the front door had shut.
And while Kurt slept peacefully, he'd run away. Not even waiting to make a stupid excuse; because he knew he wouldn't be able to lie to those blue eyes. Not yet.
As the body next to his turned over with a quiet shuffle, Blaine squeezed his eyes shut and yearned for his heart to stop aching.
xxx
Kurt's morning had been hectic. He hadn't been able to sleep before 4am and then he'd overslept and he felt a big knot form in his stomach just at the thought of going to work.
Would Blaine be there? Wouldn't he? What would he do, or say?
Half-way running Kurt reached his workplace and took a few calming breaths before walking into the building. He could do this. He was a grown man.
When Kurt stepped out of the elevator, his heart was beating like crazy in his chest. Because right there, at his normal desk, looking completely like himself, sat Blaine. Kurt stopped in his tracks. It had been several days. What was he even supposed to say? He'd have to handle this as a grown up. So he took a deep breath and walked calmly over to Blaine's desk.
"Can I talk to you?" He asked and did a mental victory dance at his normal-sounding voice. But then Blaine raised his head from his hunched over position and their eyes met. Blaine's beautiful eyes; the gorgeous brown color, which couldn't really be called brown as much as gold, or maybe green, it always depended on the light. Kurt swallowed thickly and tried not to let his emotional state show. "In private?"
For a second it seemed like Blaine would refuse; his shoulders tensed just a bit and he leaned back slightly in his seat. But then he put his hands on the table and pushed himself up.
"Lead the way."
They walked into the copy room, because two guys going into the bathroom together was just a tad too cliché for Kurt's taste. He closed the door behind them and turned to face Blaine, who looked more bored than anything else with his arms crossed over his chest. Kurt decided to get right to the point.
"Why are you ignoring me? What happened?"
Blaine shrugged. "The sex wasn't all that great."
And Kurt's heart broke. Because this was exactly what he didn't want. What he'd never wanted. And Blaine knew that and yet he still threw it in his face.
"So it's because of the sex." His voice was surprisingly calm and suddenly every sad feeling turned cold and collected. He was lying. Blaine was lying to him. He had to be. His left eyebrow always lifted slightly when he lied and he had dark circles under his eyes. Blaine was an absolute mess. Why hadn't he noticed until now? Kurt narrowed his eyes slightly and saw the tension on Blaine's face. He was trying hard not to show any emotion. He wanted Kurt to hate him. But why?
"What else would it be?" Blaine smiled crookedly and Kurt's frown deepened. His eyes weren't grinning. They looked positively dead. It's forced, his mind supplied and he crossed his arms over his chest; mirroring Blaine's stand.
"Yea what else would it be," Kurt mumbled bitterly. What was he supposed to do when clearly this was not something he could fix? Once again Blaine was too afraid of his own feelings to let anyone get close enough to help. I was close though, Kurt thought.
"Fine. I get it." Blaine tried hiding his surprised look but he wasn't sure he succeeded. Kurt got it? "Sorry it wasn't what you wanted." And then Kurt left the copy room without looking back. If he had maybe he'd seen the devastated look in Blaine's eyes. But devastation was better than having to hurt someone again and again right?
xxx
The next week was the hardest either of them had ever experienced.
Blaine had never been dumped before, not really, so the new constant feeling of wanting to cry and claw his heart out of his chest was new. The worst part was that he knew he deserved the pain.
Kurt had been dumped, sure, but never like this. It had always been something to do with him, not the other guy. But this time he couldn't even blame himself. He'd just have to wait for Blaine to figure the things out in his head and he'd come back. He always came back. Not to mention that the work was getting harder every day since Kurt had gotten more and more responsibility and having to work long hours trying to ignore Blaine was exhausting.
They didn't talk. They didn't even look at each other.
Not when the other was looking, anyway.
Blaine kept looking worse and worse and he constantly wore his glasses at work now, like his eyes were getting too tired to focus without them. It made Kurt's cheeks heat up because even though they might be broken up, he could still appreciate Blaine's looks. And damn those glasses made him look sexy…
And then he'd get hidden with the sudden pain in his stomach, like someone just punched him. Because Blaine was looking worse. And Kurt couldn't do anything about it. He could keep on telling Blaine he'd give him another chance, just like always, but what if what he needed wasn't someone forgiving him?
An idea struck him and even though work continued to be tough and he didn't sleep enough and he still felt heart broken, he came up with a plan to show Blaine that he would be waiting for as long as he needed him to.
xxx
Blaine knew he looked like shit.
He knew the bags under his eyes could scare a kid away; he knew he'd tired out his eyes by working so much; he knew his hair looked like a mess. He knew, but he didn't care.
Heart broken. That would be the most suiting word for what he was feeling at the moment. And he knew why, but he wasn't about to make a fool of himself and end up hurting anyone. Especially not Kurt.
Leaving this way had never been his intention. Leaving at all hadn't been his intention. But falling in love with Kurt had never been an option either. Blaine Anderson did not do love, wasn't that what people whispered in the corners when they saw him leave with another pretty boy on his arm?
Problem was that he didn't want to leave with another boy; he just wanted Kurt.
But he'd just end up getting hurt. Blaine didn't do relationships. They hurt more than they were worth. That's why when he didn't work he tried distracting himself with those pretty boys people always associated him with. Problem was that it didn't work.
So he turned to Sebastian. Which was really a new low for him. When he'd learned that Kurt had asked around from Mike, he'd stopped going to the gym to work out his pain and instead kept bothering Sebastian. They'd become… friends, kind of.
But not before Mike had cornered him at the gym with the coldest eyes Blaine had ever seen him send anyone, ever. And they'd been friends for years.
"You are such an idiot," the Asian had said and before Blaine had even come up with a defensive answer, Mike had punched him in the gut. Gasping for air – the other man was strong, damn it – Blaine turned to face Mike, but he didn't get to talk this time either.
"How can you treat him like that? How can you treat him like you've treated everybody else since I met you? I thought you changed. I thought you changed for him." It was the fact that Mike didn't yell at him that made Blaine flinch. He could handle yelling. Not a calm and collected voice pointing out what a despicable human being he was.
"I don't change easily," Blaine mumbled.
"No, I know. But easy is not really the word I'd use about you guys' relationship. You were almost there, Blaine. You changed for the better and then you go and throw him away like he doesn't mean anything to you?"
"He doesn't–"
"Fuck you, Blaine. I'm not blind. You love him and you're too much of a fucking coward to stand by your own feelings. You can't blame this one on your father." Mike's words bore into his heart like little knives and Blaine clenched his fists. If only Mike would shout at him or punch him again, he could do something. But getting the truth thrown in his face? There was nothing that could protect him from that.
"I never thought you were so pathetic, Blaine," Mike sighed as he turned and walked away.
Blaine shook his head as he thought of their 'conversation'. He hadn't talked to Mike since because… well. What could he say? He was a coward. It was just so much easier to hide away. And it would be much better for Kurt.
It would be much better for the both of them.
That's what he told himself. And that's what he told Sam when he visited her every night. Because he started doing that the moment he left Kurt in the bed all by himself. He'd hidden away in her room for two days before he dared going home.
She never said anything; she never even breathed any differently, but he still felt like she was judging him. He tried defending himself the first few hours, but then the constant beeping from her machines made him punch the wall and let out a shout of frustration.
After convincing the nurses that he was fine, he sat down on the floor right next to the bed and leaned up against it. He let his eyes shut and then started talking.
"When I left he was sleeping. He was hugging the pillow as if he thought it was me. I have never been in so much pain before, Sammy. It hurts as if someone has grabbed my heart and is trying to pull it out of my chest." He sighed as he felt himself tear up.
"It felt just like when you… When the doctors said you wouldn't wake up." He swallowed thickly. "I never believed them, you know. I know you're going to wake up one day. And then I'll tell you about Kurt again and you'll kick my ass. Because I bet now that you're big you'll teach your big brother a thing or two." A hiccup made its way up his throat and he had to take a moment to breathe.
"I love him so much, sis. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. His smile makes me want to be that silly idiot, running around and doing whatever he wants just to make him happy. Just to see him smile. I would do everything for him, and still I fucking broke his heart." He buried his face in his knees. "I knew this would happen. I know how he feels about being with something like that and yet I… I still treated him exactly like those other assholes," he mumbled.
"I really fucked up this time, Sam. And I have no idea how to fix it. I shouldn't want to. He'll be so much happier without me. I'm just going to hurt him. Just like with you…"
The rest of his words drowned as sobs overtook his entire body.
xxx
Kurt had thought that getting himself booked to singing on the stage of Blaine's club would solve things. He'd given Blaine his space and even though his heart was throbbing on a daily basis, he was doing better. He remembered in Glee club when they'd sung out their feelings, and he'd thought he could do the same this time. Except when he walked into the club with his girls, he saw Blaine standing with some guy at the bar and he saw red. He told the girls to go behind the stage and get ready; he just had to take care of something first.
He stomped up to Blaine and was about to shout at him when he remembered he didn't have that right, not really, anymore. The throbbing in his heart grew, and the "Blaine" that left his mouth was a lot less angry than he'd wanted it to be.
"Kurt?" For a second his Blaine showed himself but then the guarding was up again. "What do you want? I'm busy."
"Busy? Blaine –"
"You may have heard the expression 'bros before hoes'?" Sebastian interrupted with a smirk. "It suits this situation just fine, so why don't you take your gay face to some other bar?" Blaine almost flinched at Sebastian's hard tone, but he couldn't do anything about it. Not now. He'd used all his chances. It was better this way.
"Excuse me but this has nothing to do with you, asshole, so could you take your secondhand clad body and walk away before my eyes set themselves on fire to get rid of the horrid image of your face?" Blaine's head snapped up at Kurt's angry tone and even though Kurt was talking to Sebastian he was looking – no, glaring – directly at Blaine.
"And you," he continued. "You need to grow the fuck up. So you're a little scared of falling in love? And when you do, you just push everybody away? Except your fuck-buddies," he sent Sebastian a glare. "Because they won't hurt your precious little heart, is that it?" Blaine was speechless. How was he supposed to defend himself to that? He opened his mouth, but Kurt beat him to it.
"I get that you're scared and I can live with that. I can wait for you to grow some balls and tell me you love me without running away like a coward, but then you go and spend time with this guy?" Sebastian actually took a step back at Kurt's vicious voice. "I don't care that you're scared, I will wait, but I won't stand second to some asshole who think he's better than me just because he can get close to you for five minutes every night." Kurt's voice was hard as stone and Blaine felt his entire guard slip and break.
"I am going to sing on that stage, just like I planned, but if you expect a fucking love song, you are sorely mistaken. And you," he turned to Sebastian again. "If you touch as much of a hair on Blaine, I will not only punch you so hard your nose will break through your skull, I will also be sure to tell that blonde boy you've been eyeing all evening that you're a married straight man." Sebastian's eyes widened and he looked over at the boy he, sure enough, had been exchanging looks with throughout the night. He got a shy smile back and swallowed thickly.
Kurt stomped back stage and called the attention of his girls.
"Change of plans," he said through gritted teeth and looked at the tallest of the three girls. "Santana, did you bring the outfit I strictly told you not to bring because it was a love song and not some hooker show?"
"Duh," The Latina said with a wink. She knew she'd win Kurt over eventually.
xxx
An upbeat melody started playing and Blaine was forced to look at the stage just to make sure Kurt was really gonna do this. He'd considered walking out, but this was his club. He wasn't even sure how Kurt had gotten booked. He suspected Mike had something to do with it.
Three girls stood with their backs to the audience and moved their hips seductively to the beat. Just as a very familiar voice sounded out of the speakers, its owner stepped out in the middle of two of the girls. Maybe stepped was the wrong word. Kurt was strutting down the stage and Blaine couldn't even be bothered to get mad that everybody was looking at Kurt because he was too busy trying to close his mouth. He was wearing shorts. No, not shorts, not really at least. They were way too short to be normal shorts. More like hot-pants. Really, really, really tight hot-pants.
He looks hot, but does he make your heart stop
When you're getting busy in his piece of shit car?
Kurt looked directly at Sebastian with eyes cold as ice and even the tall brunette had to admit he looked hot. He was swaying his hips to the beat while strutting up and down the stage in combat boots and a tank top and those shorts.
And yeah, he's hot but can he reach your G-spot?
Little baby, did I leave a big scar?
Blaine was flabbergasted. He felt as if his entire world just got turned upside down. That wasn't his innocent, sweet Kurt. It couldn't be.
He mentally slapped himself. It wasn't his Kurt anymore. He couldn't keep being possessive when they'd broken up. But Kurt was making it kind of hard with the hip thrusting and then dancing and wow, did he really just roll his hips like that?
Cuz he don't kiss the way I kiss
And he don't rock the way I rock
He sure don't fuck the way I fuck
Kurt was looking into Blaine's eyes; keeping his own slightly narrowed to make sure Blaine could see that he wasn't just doing this to entertain the club or get his attention. It may be a bit extreme, but it seemed like the only thing that worked with Blaine was extreme.
"Woah." The shocked voice of Sebastian made Blaine able to think straight for a few moments. "I don't get why you dumped that, even if he is a sassy bitch, because Anderson, I don't think you're ever gonna get anyone else with hips like those."
It wasn't even the comment itself that made the knot in Blaine's stomach tighten to a dangerously painful level. It was the fact that Sebastian was right. Not just about the hips; but about the fact that he'd never find someone like Kurt again. Someone caring and sweet, but still able to argue and fight. Someone who gave a fuck.
Cuz you know I'm the one, number one
I'm second to none!
When the song ended, Kurt didn't follow the girls backstage. He jumped off the stage and walked over to the bar once again. More than a few men and women approached him but he shrugged them off before standing in front of Blaine, panting slightly.
"I'm giving you another chance. But this is the last one. And I swear to god if you don't take it, Blaine Anderson, you are an even bigger asshole than I thought you were." And with that Kurt stomped out of the club, not even bothering to look at Sebastian or Blaine's stunned faces.
xxx
He didn't care that people were looking at him like he'd just walked out of a strip club. He didn't care that it was too cold to walk around in booty-shorts (because really, they couldn't be called normal shorts) and bare legs. He didn't care at all.
All he cared about was Blaine.
And it was scaring him that he'd let anyone get that close.
He walked to his apartment and slammed the door. He was pretty sure he looked like a mess and it was that thought that made him cry. He'd walked away confident but the more he thought about it, the more tears rolled down his cheeks.
What if Blaine really didn't want him anymore? What if he read the signs wrong? He'd been so focused on trying to make sure Blaine knew he'd wait for him, that he hadn't even thought about Blaine not wanting to get back together.
They loved each other, why was everything so hard?
Maybe he lied, the bitter part of his mind whispered and it only made the tears fall faster. He tried turning on the radio but didn't listen to the words of some pop singer. He walked back and forth for a while before collapsing in his couch and letting every emotion out through his sobs and hiccups.
It wasn't fair. Blaine was his soulmate; he was sure of it. He'd thought he'd finally found that one true love and even though it looked nothing like his childhood dreams, it was what he wanted. Who he wanted.
He jumped a foot in the air when he heard the door slam.
Loud footsteps sounded and suddenly he saw Blaine standing in front of him; panting. His eyes must've looked shocked, because Blaine's mouth closed, as if he didn't know what to say.
"Your lock fucking sucks," Blaine said in an unusually quiet voice, like he was scared Kurt might run away from him if he spoke too loudly.
Kurt remembered the words from what felt like such a long time ago and in an equally quiet voice he answered, "You fucking suck."
And suddenly none of it all mattered.
It didn't matter what Blaine had said or done.
It didn't matter what Kurt had said or done.
None of it was important, because they were both there and they were both crying now and Blaine was tripping over his own feet to get to Kurt and grab his face to smash their lips together.
"I love you," he mumbled against Kurt's lips.
"I hate you," Kurt cried but kissed him back all the same.
"I'm sorry."
"I hate you so much."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"I'll never forgive you."
"I'm sorry."
"You're an asshole."
"I know, I'm sorry, I love you."
And even thought everything was still fresh wounds and hurting stomachs, it all just seemed to vanish when they held tightly onto each other.
xxx
"Are you going to explain it to me?" Kurt asked later that evening. Blaine sighed, but nodded. He pulled back slightly to be able to look into Kurt's eyes.
"I just don't… I don't do relationships. They scare the shit out of me. And my dad always finds a way to ruin them."
"Blaine..."
"I had a boyfriend. Once. And you know what my dad did? Actually threatened to turn off the only thing that keeps my sister alive. Because to him she's not even his daughter anymore as much as something that costs him money and makes me obey his orders." Blaine released a hand from around Kurt's waist to scratch at the back of his head.
"It's not just him though, I just… can't do it. I'm going to break your heart or mine on the way. We're not gonna work out because I always panic and run away because what if you get too close and I'm too careless and you get hurt? I can't love anyone like that because they get ripped out of my hands and I just… I can't do it." His words seemed to tumble together and he wasn't sure he made much sense, but he was trying.
"Blaine. You're not alone in this. I am here for you."
"But-"
"But nothing. I am here now and I will always be here, okay?"
"Always is a long time."
"Well, I'd like to be with you for a long time."
"But what if I run away again and-"
"You won't."
"How do you know that?"
"Because I'm not gonna let you." Blaine looked stunned. "I know I talk about giving you chances all the time, but this is not just about me. Or you. It's about us. We have to work hard to make us work. And I am not going to let you run away again; I am going to help you, okay?"
"Okay," Blaine said with a teary smile.
"You do know I haven't forgiven you yet, right?" Kurt said with a neutral expression. He'd decided not to punish Blaine, but he still felt raw and hurt.
"I know. I haven't forgiven me either."
"You should though."
"What? Why?"
"Because the sooner you forgive yourself, the sooner you can beg me to forgive you, and the sooner you do that, the sooner I can give in and you can buy me dinner as an official apology," Kurt teased.
"You're the best, you know that?"
"Oh I know."
"I love you."
"So you've said."
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"I know."
"I feel like I just puked up rainbows with all these emotions," Blaine admitted and made a face as if he'd just tasted something sour.
"Get used to it," Kurt just responded. "Because you made me go through hell. In hot-pants. So I expect a lot of cheesy compliments the next few weeks."
"Of course," Blaine chuckled. They sat in silence for a while before Kurt mumbled something into Blaine's shirt that made the curly haired man smile that special smile he only showed around Kurt.
"I love you too," he mumbled back.