Chapter Twenty-Two: Numb

It doesn't hurt me

You wanna feel how it feels?

You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me

You wanna hear about the deal I'm making

You, you and me

And if I only could make a deal with god

Get him to swap our places

Be running up that road

Be running up that hill.

"Running Up That Hill" by Placebo

It had been six months. Six months, seventeen days and eighteen hours to be precise since I had woken up to that horror scene. I didn't sleep more than an hour at a time and often woke up screaming. Leah had originally stayed in her own bedroom but as time progressed she had taken to curling in bed with me to keep the nightmares at bay when she could. And I…I couldn't feel anything. I existed outside of my own body most days, and hours would pass and I wouldn't, couldn't move.

"She's dropped to like eighty pounds," I heard Leah whisper to Carlisle when he came to check on me one day. "That can't be any kind of healthy." As a result Carlisle came daily to administer IV fluids and nutrients because I couldn't eat. Food just make me sicker when I had tried to eat to shut Leah up.

"You look like hell," Paul said from the doorway during one of my first IV sessions. I didn't even bother to look up.

"Go away Paul," I said automatically.

"No seriously you look like a walking skeleton," he said. "Worse than when the leech left you."

"Don't antagonize her," Carlisle said quietly to Paul.

"Why?" He challenged. "It's not like she can hurt herself any more than she already has."

"He's just trying to get me to yell," I said quietly. "It won't work."

The days dragged on and Victoria still hadn't been caught. Since her massacre I hadn't even left Leah's house and she had once again vanished. This time no one was letting their guard down, should I want to leave, but I didn't even attend pack meetings. Due to the number of vampire attacks the pack had swelled to probably thirty members, some of who had just returned to the reservation from college or a long visit or other custody arrangements. I know the original pack members didn't blame me but I blamed myself.

It was a week later when I met the first new pack member. Leah had a doctor's appointment in Port Angeles and he was the only one who volunteered for the mission. I was sitting in the living room, reading listlessly through a tattered copy of Pride and Prejudice when Leah let him in. She glanced briefly at me before taking him into the kitchen. I caught a glimpse only of dark hair, muscled frame and tan skin before they disappeared into the kitchen. After a few minutes Leah appeared in the doorway.

"Carlisle should be in here in about two hours for your IV. Carter is going to hang here with you until I am back," she said. I tried to smile at her but probably failed miserably. Carter shuffled into the room behind Leah. He was probably the best looking of the wolves I had seen. He was older, probably thirty or so, but looked very in shape like the rest of the wolves.

"I'm Carter Black," he said with a wave. His eyes were pretty too, I noticed without much interest, more like someone cataloging information for later use. They were a dark brown but with golden lights near the pupil.

"You must be related to Jake in some way," I said. He nodded and smiled.

"We're cousins of a sort. I'm actually more closely related to Sam," he said. "I think we'll be fine here Leah but I will call if I need you." She looked at me dubiously. Months of caring for me had turned her into a more softened version of herself. She still had a zero bullshit tolerance but when it came to me she was like a mother lion with her cub.

"Leah come on, you've been putting this off for months. Go. I have my book and Carlisle will be here soon," I said. "Take my car if you want. Yours is making that god awful squealing noise."

"Okay," she said. She dropped a kiss on my cheek and left. Carter stood awkwardly for a minute before sitting down next to me.

"You can do whatever," I said. "You're not stuck here doing nothing while I read."

"Nothing would be a welcome reprieve," he said. "Sam is really intense with these pack history lessons. Nevermind that I left high school ten years ago." I closed my book and reached for the glass of ice water on the coffee table.

"What does he have you doing?" I asked. He leaned back into the couch.

"We take shifts reading all of the legends and even the records of pretty much every meeting this tribe ever had. It's exhausting," he said.

"How did you…" I let my voice trail off when I realized how rude the question was. He smiled, showing strong white teeth.

"Become a wolf?" He asked. "I actually just finished my contract with the Army and came home to clear up some family stuff. Imagine my surprise at going all furry one day instead."

"Yeah well at least you didn't choose this," I said.

"None of us did," he said quietly. I curved my legs underneath me.

"I did," I said. "I fell in love with a vampire and then a werewolf."

"Well I don't know the whole story but I do know that love isn't always a choice," he said. "Sometimes it just happens."

"And sometimes you need to learn to be cautious. Unfortunately my lesson came at a price," I said. I opened my book, effectively ending our conversation. A few minutes later a plate appeared in front of me with half a sandwich, a cut up apple and a mug of what smelled like chicken broth. I looked up in surprise.

"You need to eat something," Carter said in explanation. "Leah said you wouldn't but I told her you might if I asked."

"I can't eat," I said. "I've tried before and it just gets stuck." He pushed the broth at me.

"If you can drink water you can drink broth. And the sandwich is only peanut butter so it won't be hard to swallow. But there's OJ there too to help," he said. "Come on don't you want to get rid of those ridiculous IVs?" I took a sip of the broth, mostly to appease him, but soon ended up drinking the full mug of soup. It took about an hour to put away the peanut butter sandwich and when Carlisle arrived I was nibbling on the apples while drinking orange juice. He looked shocked but quickly recovered.

"So you were hungry today?" He asked as he did his normal cursory exam. I shrugged.

"Carter didn't take no for an answer," I said. Carlisle looked up briefly.

"How is your stomach doing?" He asked. I shrugged again.

"Good so far," I answered. "But I didn't eat much. Just broth and a peanut butter sandwich."

"Well as long as you eat there is no need for the IV," he said. "Do you think you might be able to drink like an Ensure once a day? It would help you get extra vitamins."

"Maybe," I said. "I can drink water."

"And orange juice," Carter cut in helpfully. I glared at him but all he did was grin.

"I'll be back tomorrow and I will bring a few flavors. In the meantime add some of the Metamucil I am leaving to some of the water you are drinking. Should help your body process the food a little better. I'd like to ease you into this," Carlisle said.

"Don't get all excited," I grouched. He smiled.

"It's a step in the right direction," he said. He produced a small bottle of very tiny pills. "This is for any nausea you might have. Only use it if you have to otherwise try to keep eating, even if it is basic like broth and crackers." When he left Carter grinned at me.

"I'm going to be a hero when the guys hear," he joked. I shot him another dirty look and went back to my book.