Chapter Twenty-Three: New Problems
But I'm caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing if I give that to you
I might just disappear
Nobody wins when everyone's losing.
"Not Meant to Be" by Theory of a Deadman
It took another three months for me to gain the weight I had lost back. I slowly came back to myself. To Leah's relief I started cooking meals for the both of us, as well as whatever other errant wolf showed up at her house. To my surprise Carter had been there every day since we met, always urging me to eat more and eventually starting to tease me about the new curves that appeared on my frame. To my surprise I found that I enjoyed the company, especially his, and soon even Leah felt comfortable enough to tease me about it.
"He's definitely a head turner," she said over coffee one morning. I shrugged.
"I don't really think about that much," I said truthfully. I hadn't had the time or energy since Gabriel to think about men in a romantic sense.
"I believe that," she said. "But eventually you will again."
"Maybe," I said. "I think I am done for awhile at least." As if on cue Paul sauntered through the door.
"I smelled bacon and thought you guys might want to feed me," he said with a grin.
"It's in the oven. I better start the pancakes," I said.
"Leave her alone Paul," Leah said warningly as I turned to grab the pancake mix.
"I haven't done anything," he protested as I started to mix the batter.
"You have that look," Leah said.
"Whatever you say," he said. They bantered back and forth but I didn't try to follow much. I had found that if I tried to follow too many things at once I grew overwhelmed. So I typically tried to just do one thing at a time to avoid that. Leah's phone rang halfway through breakfast and she excused herself to talk. I assumed it was Embry. She thought I didn't know but she had been sneaking him into the house while I slept.
"Are you done?" I asked Paul pointing at his cleaned plate. He nodded and I took it to the sink. As I was washing the dishes I felt him moving to stand behind me. I tried not to flinch when his hands fell to my hips.
"Are you and I ever going to talk again?" He asked quietly directly into my ear. I gave him a gentle push and reached for a clean dish towel to dry the plate.
"I really don't think there is anything to talk about," I said. He took the dry plates from me and put them in the cupboard. "We said everything that needed to be said. And you should move on. I want that for you."
"And if I still want you?" He asked reaching for my hand. I let him clasp it briefly before pulling away.
"This isn't like before Paul," I said wearily. "I've been through too much. I don't even know if I can feel like that about anyone ever again. And that's not fair to you." He moved toward the door and then paused, looking over his shoulder.
"I'll keep trying," he promised. I shook my head.
"I wish you wouldn't," I said quietly as he left but I knew he heard. Leah returned just then.
"So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if Embry and I went up to PA today?" She asked looking slightly guilty. I forced a smile.
"I'm fine here alone," I assured her. She shook her head.
"No you don't chica," she said. "Carter is on his way over. He's going to work on the roof for me actually."
"Two birds, one stone. Babysitter and handyman," I said. She frowned.
"It's not like that Bella," she said. I sighed.
"I know," I said. "I was just going to try to take a walk today." She smiled.
"I am sure Carter would take you," she said. "If you ask nicely."
"Go get ready," I said. "Is it safe to assume you won't be home tonight?" She bit her lip.
"If you don't mind," she said. I smiled.
"One of us should be having a good time," I said. She bounced off to get ready and I shook my head. I had a theory that Leah and Embry would beat Raven and Jake to the altar. Raven had never considered getting married before meeting Jake but Jake had put the pressure on recently. This was all according to Kim who dropped by once a week with the reservation gossip.
"Someone is deep in thought," Carter said from the door way.
"Sorry you keep getting stuck here with me," I said.
"I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. Plus Paul volunteered and I didn't think you'd want to deal with him for 24 hours," he joked. Leah appeared, looking radiant.
"Do you mind if I take your car?" She asked me. I shrugged. I never used it much, at least not yet.
"That's fine," I said. "Just text me please to let me know you guys are okay every now and then?" She hugged me and was gone in a cloud of Chanel number five.
"So a little bird texted and said you might like a walk," he said. I bit my lip.
"If you don't mind?" I asked. He smiled.
"Let's go," he said. We didn't speak much for the first half of the walk. "So I saw Paul on the way over. He was in a bit of a tizzy." I nodded.
"I told him he needed to move on," I said. "He didn't take it very well. He can be stubborn."
"Why do you think he needs to move on?" He asked. I sighed.
"It's hard to explain," I said. "But I am done. I don't have the energy to fight anymore and all Paul and I do is fight. If I am with someone ever again it will be boring and normal but I doubt I will be in a relationship ever again."
"Why would you think that?" He asked. I shrugged.
"I don't…feel anymore. Yeah I feel normal things like guilt when I inconvenience Leah or anger when I think of Victoria but everything else…" I couldn't finish my thought.
"I notice sometimes when someone touches you that you tend to flinch," he said. "You try to hide it I think, so as not to hurt their feelings, but I see it."
"If I can't be touched or touch in return what kind of relationship does that make?" I asked.
"You do know that you don't flinch when I touch you, right?" He asked. Before I could answer he took my hand and he was right, I didn't so much as flinch. In fact the warmth was comforting to me.
"Familiarity?" I asked. He smiled.
"If you say so," he said softly.