Disclaimer: This story is based on "Inuyasha," copyrighted by Rumiko Takahashi. No infringement of copyright intended or implied.

Kaede's Choice

The uncomfortable silence was broken by the bell that hung from the village's watchtower. Kaede stiffened as she recognized the double-beat, terror freezing where she stood. Her greatest fear, since Kikyo's death, had been to hear that alarm. Every night, she had prayed that the kami would be kind, and would keep the horror from appearing: each day, her prayer had been answered.

Until now.

"An alarm—headman—"

"Youkai attack," came Yasuo's voice. "Miko-sama, I hope you can help—"

"Of course." Red and white swirled in Kaede's vision, and she was suddenly able to breathe, as realization banished the terror.

It wasn't her responsibility.

The village had a real miko, again.

Kaede saw Sayuri snatch a naginata from the wall, leaving a more familiar weapon. "You'll need the bow and arrows," she said.

Black eyes flashed a glare in her direction. "I fight my way, little girl—not Kikyo's," Sayuri snarled. "Headman, get her out of here and with the other children. I don't need distractions."

Kaede stiffened, flushing, but before she could say anything, Yasuo had her upper arm in his grip. She bit her lip as he squeezed her arm warningly, and as Sayuri toed on her sandals and ran out of the hut. She was not a little girl. She'd been doing her best to be a miko all summer, and had practiced with her bow every day. She'd gotten a lot stronger, and more accurate. She still didn't have much power, but she could hit what she aimed at, and who did Sayuri think she was, to call her a "little girl"?

Yasuo pulled her out of the hut, then pushed her ahead of him, heading towards his house, which, as one of the sturdiest buildings in the village, second only to the granary, would shelter the children and elderly during the attack. Given that her own weaponry was in that house, Kaede didn't resist the push, starting to lengthen her stride, her half-formed thought to grab her bow and quiver and slip out to back up the miko—which, after all, was what she was supposed to do.

But, then, she looked up, and froze again. High up in the air, a black, roiling mass, sparking with gold, and silver, and deepest, lurid purple was heading straight towards the village. It wasn't anywhere close to the size of the giant swarm that had attacked only a few days before Kikyo's death. But, memories were triggered. She remembered the massive attack, how they had run that last distance to the village—far too late to even think of leaving Kikyo to run for shelter. She remembered her fear—and her determination to help. She remembered the darkness, the oppressive jyaki, remembered how much effort it took just to raise her small weapon. A few sparks had flickered from her fired arrow, and it actually hit her target. It didn't purify the youkai, but it did injure it, sending it off course. She had turned, looking for another target, and saw the youkai stooping behind her sister. Crying a warning, she had shot as quickly as she could. She missed.

The youkai did not.

She remembered the pain in her face as she tried—and failed—to dodge the plunging youkai. She had been slammed to the ground, crying out in pain, seeing her death in the grinning, fanged, unhuman skull. For that moment—that infinitely long moment—the only thing that had existed in her world had been pain and terror and death.

Kaede shook, her hands clasping over her eye-patch. She didn't know she whimpered. She didn't hear the headman speak. Only when someone swung her up in his arms, to rest her on his hip, did she react, flinging her arms around the man, clinging to him with all her strength, crying.

She was only a girl. Only a terrified little girl.

... ... ... ...

Kaede kept her head down, refusing to meet anyone's eyes. She prodded the rice in her bowl with her chopsticks, her stomach twisting and her throat tight with misery.

She felt so ashamed. She was supposed to be a miko, or at least, a miko-in-training. But she had panicked. She should have at least been able to join the archers defending the building, but, instead, she had cowered inside the building, unable to do anything except shake. The powerful pulse of spiritual energy had broken through her terror, but the latter emotion had rapidly been replaced by shame. When the rest of the children and the elders had left the building, she had moved only as far as the corner where her own small box of mementoes and change of clothes lay. She would have been there still, had not the headman's wife forced her to join the family for supper.

She had failed her sister's memory. Shamed her sister's memory. Sayuri would sneer at her, and why not? She was a coward. A failure.

Cloth rustled as someone sat beside her. "Kaede?"

She tensed. Setting bowl and chopsticks down, she fisted her hands against her thighs, refusing to look at the miko. A hand touched her head, and she tried to shrink away without moving. She heard Sayuri sigh.

"Kaede, I think we need to talk. Come with me. Please?"

No, no, and no! Kaede stared at the floor, refusing to move, refusing to react, wanting nothing but for everything, for Sayuri and the whole horrible day to go away.

"Kaede." The sharp, angered voice belonged to the headman. "Sayuri-sama has agreed to take responsibility for you and teach you. You owe her obedience—now do what she says."

Fresh shame bubbled up in the girl's heart. Still not looking at anyone, Kaede stood up, and bowed in the general direction of the Yasuo's voice. Silently, shoulders hunched and hands fisted, head lowered, she followed the miko.

They walked in silence through the village, their path lit by the waxing moon. Kaede tried hard not to feel anything, but her emotions shrieked at her. If she'd had anywhere to run, somewhere to hide, she might have tried. But there was nowhere. There was only shame, and grief. If only the last half year hadn't happened. If only her sister were still alive. She wanted to much to see Kikyo, to feel her arms around her, to feel safe.

To apologize, for being a failure.

They stopped in the middle of a bridge. Kaede felt more than saw Sayuri lean against the railing, and did hear her sigh. Kaede stared a rail and water, stiff and still. Waiting for the blow to fall. Waiting for the miko to scorn her, to tell her that she wasn't worth teaching. Wasn't worth—anything.

"I didn't want to be a miko."

The statement was so startling that Kaede momentarily forgot how miserable she was feeling. Her head shot up, and she stared at the young woman leaning over the railing. "Huh? Why wouldn't you want to be a miko? Everyone said you were Hakao-san's favorite student, before Kikyo arrived!"

"Favorite? I don't know about that, though I was his most powerful student, until your sister." Sayuri sighed. "I admit. I was jealous. The younger girls were suddenly paying more attention to her, than to me, and her skill at archery looked so—effortless. And ... well, I suppose I resented her partly, because she was from some poor village, and I was the daughter of a samurai."

Kaede blinked. "What does that have to do with not wanting to be a miko?"

Sayuri snorted. "I wanted to be a samurai myself—like my father and brothers. And my father's sister. She taught me the naginata, when I was a little girl, younger than you. I would be famous: I would bring honor and wealth to my family."

Puzzled, Kaede couldn't resist asking, "So why didn't you? Become a samurai?"

A moment of silence. "Our lord learned I had miko powers. He ordered my father to take me to the temple. Father had no choice, of course."

Kaede shifted her weight, unable to see where the conversation was going. But, she knew where it had to lead, and, suddenly, she couldn't stand to wait any longer. "What does this have to do with telling me you're not going to teach me? You aren't, aren't you?"

"What?" Sayuri spun, straightening. "What are you talking about, Kaede-chan?"

Kaede looked away, shoulders hunching. "You're going to tell me I can't be a miko. I'm a coward. Worthless. I shame sister's memory. I don't—I don't deserve to be a miko."

Silence. Kaede turned her back, holding herself, trying not to cry. She wouldn't. She couldn't.

But, hot tears slid down her face, despite her will.

Hands touched her shoulders, and made her turn around. "Kaede, look at me." When she refused to look up, a finger under her chin forced her to look up. "Kaede, do you want to be a miko?"

"I-I can't!" Kaede's vision swam, clouded by her tears. "I-I'm a failure; I can't be!"

"That isn't what I asked, little one. What do you want to be? Yasuo-dono and Satsuki told me that they're willing to adopt you, if that's what you want. They'll make sure you find a husband, and you can still work with Amaya-san to learn herbal lore and midwifery. If that's what you want. It's your choice, Kaede."

"But why would you want to teach me? You hated Kikyo, and, and I'm a I'm a—"

A finger closed her mouth. "'Hate' is too strong a word, for my feelings about your sister. I will teach you, because I have given my word."

Kaede pulled away. "But—"

"We'll discuss what happened today later, Kaede. For now, give me your answer. Do you want to be a miko?"

How could she be, if she were going to panic and freeze every time a youkai swarm appeared? But, what she wanted ... what she wanted, if only she could—

Her voice barely got past the knot in her throat. "I want to be like my sister. I want—I want to be a miko."

Author's Note: This piece was written for the prompt "Up In The Air", for the "Inuyasha Fanfic Contest" LiveJournal community. It was originally posted on July 27, 2010. It won the contest.