Chapter Twenty-Four: Catharsis
Looking out from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under
And it's peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
And now I am under
And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found a place to rest my head.
"Never Let Me Go" by Florence and the Machine
"You want to jump off of a fucking cliff?" Leah screeched at me the next day. I shrugged.
"I need to do something Leah," I said. "I feel like I am trapped inside of my own skin."
"And jumping off of a cliff accomplishes anything how?" She asked.
"I need to," I said. "So are you going to take me there or do I need to call someone else?" Fifteen minutes later we were walking up the path to the highest cliff.
"So is this like some sort of baptism shit?" She asked.
"Something like that," I said.
"You're not trying to kill yourself?" She asked. I shot her a glare.
"If I wanted to kill myself I would have snuck out any of the fifteen thousand times you and Embry were trying to break your bed," I said.
"Point taken," she said. "And after you jump off the cliff what happens?" I shrugged.
"I'll figure it out then," I said.
"Alrighty then," she said sarcastically as we reached the top. It was a phenomenal view, complete with dazzling sunlight reflecting on the water.
"See you at the bottom," I said. I jumped just as she reached to grab my arm. The fall probably only took a few seconds but it felt like an hour to me. There was freedom in it. There were no expectations, no pressures, no feelings. I landed in the water with a splash. It was cold, as it always was, but the cold woke up my skin. An elated laugh bubbled from my lips when I broke the surface. I couldn't stop laughing even as I made my way to the shoreline where an angry looking Leah stood waiting.
"Seriously I about had a heart attack…why the hell are you laughing?" She asked. I threw my arms around her instead of answering.
"It worked," I managed to get out between laughs.
"What worked?" She asked sounding confused. "Why are you laughing?" I pulled back.
"Because I finally felt something," I tried to explain. "I felt alive for the first time since that night." She pulled me back to her and hugged me tightly.
"What are you going to do now?" She asked when she released me.
"I'm going to live," I said. We headed down the beach to where I had stashed dry clothes. I changed quickly and she guided me down the beach to Sam and Emily's house.
"You sure you are ready for everyone?" She asked at the back door. I nodded and took a step inside. I was practically tackled as Jake, Sam, Embry, Quil, Jared and Seth rushed me all at once. I accepted their bear hugs and then Raven, Emily and Kim's hugs as well. Paul gave me a nod and a small smile but made no move toward me. My eyes locked with Carter's and he was smiling, the golden lights in his dark eyes all lit up. I moved toward him without thinking, caught up in my own instincts and reactions. He caught me easily against his large frame as I practically hurled myself into his arms. He pressed his face into my hair and I pressed my nose into his neck.
"What's going on there?" I heard Kim ask Jared.
"I'm not entirely sure," I heard him murmur back.
"I do," Paul practically snarled. The front door slammed and I assumed he had fled.
"Now I'm confused," Sam said. Carter released me but pulled me into his side.
"Don't worry about it," Carter said quietly. "Everything is fine."
"Paul's just angry," I said. "I think he assumed we would be together once I…got better." Sam arched one eyebrow.
"And now you're with Carter?" He asked. Carter cut in.
"Let's not label anything," he told Sam. The two stared at each other for a minute, almost like they were having a secret conversation, before Sam spoke again.
"Paul will get over it," he said instead of pressing the issue. I breathed a short sigh of relief until Paul reappeared in the doorway. He nodded to me.
"Can I talk to you?" He asked. "Alone?" He said pointedly. I nodded and followed him out the back door, through a path and down to the beach.
"What's up?" I asked. He turned to face me.
"I always thought we would move past everything once you…were you again," he said. I sighed and rubbed my forehead.
"Paul we weren't together when everything happened," I said. "I wouldn't have spent the night with Gabriel had I still been in love with you." He looked shocked.
"You were in love with me?" He asked in a small voice.
"Yes," I admitted. "But I never trusted you enough to tell you. And that's the point. Even if we could…get past everything I would never be able to trust you."
"But you trust Carter?" He asked.
"I'm getting there," I said. "I'm sorry Paul. I just," my voice was cut off by his lips covering mine. I wanted to pull back or push him away but, as always with Paul, it just felt too good. His hands curled into my hair and my hands grasped at his arms. Then my mind caught up with my hormones and I pulled away.
"Tell me that you didn't feel anything and I will walk away Bella," he said in a low voice. I shook my head when his hands curled into my hair again.
"Don't do this Paul," I whispered. "We both know what will happen here." He moved closer until our bodies were pressed together.
"And what's that?" He asked. I closed my eyes.
"We'll fight, then we'll have sex, and then we'll fight some more. I can't be in a relationship like that," I said. "I'm not strong enough for it." I pulled away and walked away resolutely.