Chapter Twenty-Five: Nowhere and Everywhere
So many times you always wanted more
Chasing illusions that you're longing for
Wish I wasn't crying
Can you hear me crying?
"Only an Ocean Away" by Sarah Brightman
"So you and Carter," Leah said the next morning over breakfast. Since it was her turn to "cook" we ended up with cereal and orange juice.
"Nothing happened," I said automatically. She snorted into her cereal.
"Bella I live in the next room. I am well aware that nothing has happened," she said. "I just was wondering about you and your feelings."
"He's a nice guy," I said honestly. "I am just…hesitant about any kind of relationship right now. I don't think I will ever be…whole again. And it's not really fair to the other person, whoever it is."
"And Paul?" She asked.
"Paul and I will never be together again," I said quietly. "He decided that when he brought a girl into my house."
"Bells that was over a year ago," she said. "He's been practically a monk since."
"I told him we would try," I said shoving my half-eaten cereal aside. "He asked me not to sleep with Gabriel and I agreed. Then I told him if he slept with someone we would no longer be trying. He made the choice, Leah. He can't ask for me to be faithful and then refuse the same. He practically shoved me at Gabriel. Maybe if he hadn't…" I let my voice trail off. I couldn't finish that sentence.
"So you blame Paul," she said.
"I know it's not rational but I can't get past it," I answered.
"And Carter?" She asked. I took her empty cereal bowl, dumped mine in the sink and started to wash them both.
"Carter is sweet," I said. "Yes he's good looking but he doesn't throw it around. He's smart, funny, caring."
"Damn you make me sound like a golden retriever," Carter said. I dropped the bowl in surprise and it shattered in the sink, slicing my hand as it shattered.
"Son of a bitch," I said turning on the cold water and carefully pulling the glass from the cut. It wasn't terribly deep but I knew from experience that it would need stitches.
"Shit I'm sorry," Carter said. He cupped my hand underneath the water gently.
"I'm buying you a bell," I snapped. The water stung but we finally got the wound to stop bleeding. By then Leah had summoned Carlisle who efficiently stitched up the wound.
"You're looking healthy," he commented while carefully smoothing ointment over the stitches.
"I'm feeling better," I admitted. "More myself. Well I'm getting there," I amended. He raised his golden eyes to mine.
"Would now be okay to ask you something?" He asked. I shrugged.
"Depends on what it is," I said. He covered the wound with a big gaze pad and wrapped it with the self-sticking medical tape.
"We think it may draw Victoria out if all of us come back to the area," he said. I let it sink in. All of us. Meaning Edward too. I vocalized this.
"Including Edward?" I asked. He inclined his head.
"It's something the wolves and I have been talking about for several months. Sam won't agree unless he thinks you are emotionally ready for it," he said.
"And you think I should agree?" I asked.
"It's a risky play," he answered. "I won't lie to you about that. But if Victoria even thinks Edward would come back for you…it will make her reckless. She'll make a mistake. The only reason she hasn't gone in for the kill before was because he wasn't around to watch. If he came back well to put it bluntly she'd be more likely to go after you."
"No," Carter said from the door. Both Carlisle and I looked up in surprise. "We're not using Bella as bait. Sam has been clear on that."
"He has been clear that he didn't think she was emotionally stable enough," Carlisle corrected.
"Does anyone here care that I am sitting right here?" I asked. I turned to Carter. "This decision doesn't involve you." He tensed and released his jaw several times before turning on his heel and disappearing.
"You could have been a little more tactful," Carlisle said with a wry grin. "Anyone can tell he is head over heels for you."
"And I am sick of everyone trying to protect me," I said. "I never asked for it."
"You know I don't judge," Carlisle began. "But you have been a glorified vegetable for almost a year it seems. Protecting you was kind of a given. Some people can't just turn that off because you snapped out of it." I looked away from his eyes. They were too much like Edward's for my liking at the moment.
"I'll think about what you said," I said quietly. He nodded once and left. So the Cullen clan wanted to come back to town. The chances of people noticing they hadn't aged was pretty slim so there was always the risk there. I didn't want to bring down the Volturi on the innocent people of Forks. I didn't want the Cullens here at all if I were being honest but I did want this over. I was tired of looking over my shoulder and tired of relying on other people to take care of me.
"You're going to say yes aren't you?" Carter asked quietly from the doorway.
"I can't see another way out of this," I admitted. "This could get uglier."
"We can protect you," Carter said. He crossed the room and fell to his knees in front of me. I looked away from his whiskey colored eyes.
"You don't understand," I whispered. "I can't…I won't make it if I lose someone else. And I would never forgive myself if I thought that I could have done something to stop all of this before it gets even more out of hand." Two fingers grasped my chin and he forced me to meet his gaze.
"I'm only going to ask you one time and I promise I will never bring it up again," he began. Dark lashes swept to touch his tanned cheeks before he raised his gaze to mine again. "If that leech…I mean Edward…were to want you back what would you say?"
"I'd tell him that I am not the girl he fell in love with," I said honestly. "I'm not as naïve as I used to be. Being immortal isn't a dream, it's a nightmare." God I could practically drown in his eyes. Such a pretty shade of brown, so unlike my mud colored orbs.
"And if I told you that I wanted to kiss you right now?" He asked. I swallowed hard. Paul's kiss had caught me by surprise. I didn't have time to think about it before it happened. My eyes flicked down to his lips and back to his eyes again. The truth was Paul's kiss had woken up a side of me I thought was buried. And Carter was doing the rest with his eternally gentle hands and whiskey eyes.
"I'd say that I want to," I said honestly. "But that I don't want to hurt you the way I hurt Paul." His hand slid up to cup my cheek.
"I'm not Paul sweet girl," he murmured. His lips touched mine softly; almost a question. I let the kiss continue until a throat clearing pulled us apart. Sam stood in the doorway, an amused look on his face He nodded to me.
"Can we take a walk?" He asked. I stood and moved around Carter.
"Sure," I said. Just as I got to the front door with Sam I heard Carter mutter something that sounded like "of all the rotten fucking luck." I couldn't agree more.