Penny's life changed drastically after Sheldon left. She felt abandoned by someone she cared about deeply and that ate away at her confidence. Everything she has suffered or experienced since then has only torn her heart into more and more pieces.
Sheldon turned off the bedroom light and closed the door. He looked at his mom, who sat on the couch, her head bowed in supplication. He took a seat on the armchair and waited. He needed to know what had happened in the bathroom. When Penny and his mom had returned, Penny was even more distanced from them all. She responded to questions or comments in a monotone, and with as few words as possible. She had eaten exactly three bites of her meal, and then spent the rest of the time pushing the food around on her plate. The ride home was positively chilly.
As soon as they got to the apartment, she claimed a headache and asked to lay down. She had even taken one of the few remaining pain pills she hated so much. He had helped her into bed, taken off her shoes and even put that foul-tempered dog on the bed with her. He had a scratch on his wrist for his troubles.
"Shelly," his mom spoke without looking up. "Do you remember that trip we took when you and Missy were 8? We planned on going to that museum. We got lost and ended up on some old highway."
Sheldon frowned and nodded. "I remember. The road ended abruptly at a open field. Dad was so angry, he turned the car around and took us all home."
Mary looked up finally, her red-rimmed eyes so sad. "I think Penny is on that old road, and I don't know if we can reach her from the one we're on."
He frowned and looked toward the closed bedroom door. "I don't understand."
Mary sighed sadly, a tear slipping down her cheek. "Penny's body is healing, but her mind and heart …Shelly, she's so broken inside. And, I'm ashamed to say, I think she has been for a long time. I just never saw it before now."
He swallowed the automatic denial he wanted to utter. "What happened in the rest room? What did she say?"
"That she wishes she was dead. She's broke, depressed, hurt, and she doesn't think she can trust anyone," Mary answered softly.
He paled and unconsciously clutched his chest. Penny wished she was dead? His Penny? He struggled to draw in adequate oxygen as panic spread through him. Slowly Sheldon stood up and moved to the bedroom. He stepped over to the bed and Whack growled in a low voice. Sheldon grabbed the dog up by the scruff and took him out to the living room. He dropped him into his mom's lap and returned to the bedroom where he shut and locked the door. He gingerly sat down beside Penny and smoothed the hair from her face.
Fear and pain warred within him. He couldn't loose her. He couldn't let her give up. So what should he do? How did he help her when she resisted everything he did. He eased down onto the bed and pulled her into his arms. He felt her fidget and begin to wake up. He closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to her temple.
"Please," he begged softly. "Please, don't give up, Penny. I couldn't take it if you left me. For me, please try."
Penny began to struggle, trying to push him away. He held onto her tightly and whispered Soft Kitty to her over and over. He was on his third verse when her voice penetrated his consciousness.
"…do it anymore!" she sobbed. "Why can't you just leave me be now? You didn't give a damn before!" Penny hiccupped, her fists pushing ineffectually at his chest. "I hate you! You left me, didn't even care! I tried! I did everything I could! You didn't even care!"
Sheldon's heart broke for her and he released her long enough to tip her head back. He captured her lips and kissed her with all the pent up emotion he had. He poured his love and hopes and fears into that kiss, hoping she would understand. He groaned against her lips as pleasure spread through him. She tasted like cherries. He pushed his tongue past her lips and immediately began to drown in sensations he had no frame of reference for. His body pressed against her instinctively, and his left hand slipped down to her waist. He might have kept kissing her forever if a tear hadn't slid along the seam where their lips met. Sheldon pulled away worriedly, looking into her face. Her eyes were shut, the taut lines indicating pain.
After a second she opened her eyes and he flinched from the anger in them. Her voice was icy when she spoke. "So, that's your deal? A cripple?" she hissed, her hands still curled into fists on his chest. Penny shoved at him one more time, dropping over onto her back. She looked straight up at the ceiling. "Well, have it," she ground out. "After all, you always did think I was a whore. I guess I owe you something for playing nurse."
Sheldon's erection wilted quicker than it had appeared. He slowly sat up and looked at her. It took his several seconds to find his voice. "Is that really what you think of me?" he asked furiously. "That your only redeeming quality to me, to anyone, is sex?"
Penny scoffed up at him. "You spent two years telling me over and over my only talent was trading sex for favors. Then you show back up after two years of complete silence and act like you give a damn. I may not be able to feel your dick, but I'm not stupid. You were rubbing something against me like you couldn't get enough."
Sheldon clenched his teeth against the anger threatening to explode from him. "If anyone else spoke to me the way you do.."
"Then leave!" She screamed. "Run away again! It's what you do, right? Disappear?"
He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up. He supported her back with one arm, and the free hand gripped her nape. "Dammit, Penny! I love you! Why can't you see that?! I left because I had to! How could you love someone so foolish and beaten down?! I had to fix me! I had to be someone you could admire! Someone who's career and prospects were not shattered by a jealous homunculus!"
He took a deep breath but it did nothing to calm the rage in him. "Two years, Penny! I spent every waking moment for two years struggling to be worthy of you! Working myself into exhaustion every damn night, with just the thought of your smile to keep me going! I was so tempted to give up so many times! But YOU kept me going! You were my strength when I was scared or overwhelmed!"
His voice cracked as he leaned down to press his forehead to hers. He didn't even notice the tears cutting a path down his cheeks. "Everything was for you," he whispered. "Everything I did, I did it for you. For the hope that someday you would love me."
For several minutes the only sounds in the room were muffled crying and shaky breathing. Penny pulled away from him slowly. "You left me," she reminded him. "Whatever your reasons, you left me, Sheldon. You completely cut me out of your life. You were my best friend. I would have done anything for you."
Sheldon's arms were slack as she pushed at his chest to increase the space between them. "I am sick of being abandoned by people I care about. I am sick of doing things for everyone else. Smile, so no one is upset. Go to dinner, to make everyone else happy. Keep trying, for everyone else's comfort." Her eyes blazed with renewed anger. "What about what I want? What about me?!"
She dashed away the tears that started forming again. "I hurt! Every minute of every day, I hurt so fucking bad! My body, my heart, my whole being! I can't take any more!" She broke into rough gasping sobs, and wrapped her arms around her waist. "I just want to not hurt anymore. I don't want this life anymore, Sheldon! It's destroying me bit by bit!"
Sheldon watched the woman he loved collapse into herself. Her pain was almost a physical shroud wrapping itself around her. How could none of them have known this? How had they overlooked the despair that was consuming her? He struggled to find a way to push past that anguish and reach the woman he had known. Was it even possible to fix this?
Penny pulled away from him and twisted her torso to the left, facing away from him. "Please, just leave me alone," she said numbly. "I just want to sleep. I'm so tired."
He debated with himself on what was the best thing to do. In the end, he gave in to his selfish urges. He helped her re-adjust her legs and hips, then he laid down behind her and wrapped an arm over her waist. She stiffened and he knew she was about to protest, so he spoke quickly, but softly.
"Shhh. I know I let you down before, but I'm here now, Penny. I'll never leave you again. I promise." He drew her snug against his chest and closed his eyes. "I swear I'll make it up to you," he whispered. It was a long time before Penny finally drifted off again. It was even longer before he did.