Re-edit: Chapters 20 -26 were chapters 20 - 23 now cut in half to make them easier to read.
Chapter Summary: It's the long anticipated moment: Killua asks some questions, but does he really want the answers he gets?
Chapter Dictionary:
Italicized text: Thoughts
Ne: (At the beginning of a sentence, as a slang word, means 'hey' / 'say')
HuntsApp: This is basically WhatsApp (an instant messaging app) lol. Similar to how 'WhatsApp' is a play on the phrase 'What's up' this is a play on the words 'the hunt's up' so it's basically like telling the other person that the "hunt" is up because you found me, I'm online. And "hunt" is relevant because it is an app for Hunters. Lol yeah I made a stale joke. Ok I'll stop =.=
HuntsApp messages are like this:
Name: Message
'POV person replying or sending message is in italics.'
References: Hunter x Hunter 2011 episode 93 where Gon told Killua about the women he "dated" on Whale Island
Hunter x Hunter 2011 episode 42 where Leorio had haggled with a vendor to get Gon and Killua new phones.
Hunter x Hunter 2011 episode 116 where Gon hurt Killua's feelings when they'd gone to retrieve Kite.
Disclaimers: All characters belong to Yoshihiro Togashi. I do not claim ownership of any of the characters mentioned (yes, I've finally standardized my disclaimer).
Warning: None, just cursing and maybe some feels…
Are you ready for the angst?!
Chapter Twenty-six: Confessions and Lies
Gon did not respond; all that was heard were his quickened steps, the dull thud of training shoes being thrown in a corner and soon enough, the spray of the adjacent shower.
This made Killua both relieved and dismayed to see how easy it was to fool Gon with just the right words. He was able to sway Gon's attention from him, but at the same time a crushing thought hit him.
Did Hisoka fool you like that too Gon?
XXX
N.B.: Day 12 continues…(One hour later ~)
The smell of freshly baked goods permeated the air as Killua looked around, taking in the dusty rose pink walls of the café and the other customers eating and chatting happily. He was surrounded by mirth but felt none of it. All that concerned him at the moment was the knowledge that Gon, the one he'd sworn in his heart to protect, was in a difficult place where he could no longer protect him. This fact placed a crushing burden on his chest that almost made it too hard to breathe.
Finally his eyes settled on Gon sitting opposite him practically bouncing on the vinyl seat like a kid in a candy store.
He looks the same, yet different, Killua thought, preoccupied by his internal dialogue rather than involved in the conversation Gon might as well be having with himself.
Just then Gon leaned over to point at something on his untouched menu then returned to perusing his own but Killua was not in the frame of mind to process what he was talking about and was only able to pick up on bits and pieces of his friend's excited banter.
"—nd Killua this looks great!" Gon exclaimed, holding up his laminated menu to the light pouring generously in through the floor length windows. To him, if the pistachio fraisier looked just as its picture implied, it had to be one of the best desserts in the world.
"Yeah I guess it does."
At Killua's morose reply, Gon looked up at his friend to study his face while the other was busy sipping water from the glass he was holding a little too tightly. Something about Killua unsettled him.
Once more, Gon focused on the tight, unsteady grip threatening to crack the glass. "Killua…are you okay?" he asked doubtfully.
"Yes I am," Killua replied robotically. His blue eyes were partially hidden by long white bangs and Gon couldn't quite make out his expression. It was then that Gon realized that Killua hadn't looked at him directly since they arrived at the café.
Is Killua sick? he wondered, observing how pale he appeared and the way his lips were set in a stern line.
Against the lightweight navy blue turtleneck Killua wore, his skin was as white as a sheet. His gaze drifted to Killua's left hand – the one not holding the glass and currently wrapped tightly in a bandage. He had come out of the shower to see his hand like that and although Killua had worn weight-training gloves while they were in the gym, there had been no indication of a bandage underneath.
When did he hurt himself?
It wasn't like that in the gym…
"Ne Killua, is something the matter?"
"Why do you keep asking me th—" Killua's face turned beet red as Gon gently gathered his injured hand up off the table to turn it over. He gripped the glass tighter as those tanned fingers ghosted over the cloth wrappings, his face now bearing an expressionless mask even as his hand hurt from Gon's careful inspection.
"How did you get hurt? This wasn't there before." Honey-colored eyes looked up to meet his blue ones and Killua frowned.
"…"
"Does it hurt Killua?"
"No."
"It doesn't seem as if anything's broken..."
"Do you think I'll sit here with broken bones?!"
"I'm worried about yo—"
"Hey look it's Laura!"
"Really? Where?"
"Hi guys!"
Gon released Killua's hand to wave at Laura as she approached their corner booth. Today as usual, she wore a bright smile in addition to the checkered apron edged with rose pink ruffles over her standard uniform. "Nice to see you Laura!"
"Nice to see you too Gon-kun," Laura replied, pulling out one of the ballpoint pens she wore like chopsticks in her braided bun.
"Ah, you remembered my name!"
"And you remembered mine." She smiled, taking out her clipboard in preparation to receive their orders.
"You remember Killua too right?" Gon asked, turning back to his friend and pointing.
"Hello Killua," Laura greeted him, grinning.
Not wanting to be rude and earn Gon's disapproval, he smiled back at her and waved.
Laura turned to Gon, concern now clearly etched into her features. "Gon, your friend doesn't look too well, is he okay?"
Gon immediately turned to frown at him. "See! I told you so Killua!"
Urgh
Killua groaned internally. Laura's presence here is supposed to distract Gon, not make him zero in on me.
"So what would it be today?" Laura asked, putting a hand on Gon's shoulder. She had sensed that his friend was not feeling comfortable with the extra attention.
"Do you have any more of the pistachio fraisier?" Killua pointed at the picture on Gon's menu.
"Oh, as a matter of fact, we just happen to have two left!" She announced, delighting in the way Gon's expression of unconstrained anticipation instantly morphed into excitement. There was something about this young man's smile that was terribly contagious.
"Really?!"
"Yep! Want to get both?"—she gestured to them with her pen—"You and your friend…I mean, Killua could each get one."
"Wow!" Gon's trademark smile spread across his face. "Thanks Laura!"
Laura couldn't help but reflect his smile. "Want anything else?"
"Just another water for me," Killua replied, fighting the urge to sigh. "What do you want Gon?"
"Ah…" Gon quickly scanned the page filled with colorful photos of all the drinks available, figuring that he'd simply pick the most attractive one.
But they're all pretty...
"You have no idea do you?" Killua asked and Gon blushed. He'd been so caught up in admiring the pistachio fraisier that he hadn't thought about what he wanted to drink.
What would go well with this?
"How about this one?" Killua asked, reaching over to tap one of the pictures.
"Blackberry Mojito Tea," Gon read aloud as he traced the edges of the photo. Where had he heard that before?
Killua rolled his eyes as Gon went silent for a moment, obviously deep in thought.
"Ah!" Gon exclaimed suddenly. "Mojito…! Isn't that alcohol?! Do you want to get me drunk Killua?"
"What?" Killua's cheeks reddened in embarrassment. "Of course not you…you…baka it's..."
"But Killua, why would its name be—"
Laura's giggle made them both look up at her. "You guys are so funny." She removed her hand from her lips to point at the information box next to the picture. "This is a sweet drink, very refreshing for a hot day. It is made right here from mint leaves, blackberries, fresh lemon juice, sugar and of course water. So you see Gon? No alcohol."
"I told you so you lunkhead!" Killua said pushing a finger playfully at Gon's forehead. "Why would a pastry shop be serving alcohol?"
If only you practised that much caution around Hisoka you wouldn't currently be making me so stressed that I'm sick, he thought as he looked at the sheepish smile Gon was directing at him.
"Ok then guys," Laura said as she pocketed her clipboard. "I'll be back."
Gon watched her leave, barely able to keep his excitement down until his phone's wild buzzing caught his attention.
[[Erratic beeping sound]]
The weird noise had Killua looking up to locate its source. It was similar to the same beeping sound that had Gon's phone vibrating the last time they were in the café together but not quite.
Who is it that's always sending him messages when we're together?
Unlike then though, instead of ignoring whoever it was that was currently messaging him on the other end, Gon chose to reply immediately.
Killua's eyes narrowed as he studied the look of surprise that arrested his friend's features followed by the small smile gracing his lips.
Who is it that's making Gon smile like that?
"Who is it Gon?"
"No one important," Gon replied quickly, not looking up at him but busy looking down at the phone and typing.
"They seem pretty important to me," Killua grumbled, eyes focused on the guilty blush staining Gon's cheeks.
Gon laughed, scratching the back of his head in his typical nervous habit. The movement caused him to lift the phone he was hiding below the table and that's when Killua noticed that he was using a different one.
"Hey Gon, is that a new phone?" he asked leaning over to get a better look but Gon pocketed the device before he could make out what brand it was. "Was your old phone ruined? I still have mine from when Leorio got us the same ones..."
"Um...well that phone doesn't have enough internal memory to download all the new apps that make talking to friends easier," Gon replied, not meeting his gaze. "N-new apps like HuntsApp a-and—"
"New apps?" Killua was confused. "Gon what do you need new apps like those for when we usually use text messages to communicate?"
"Well this phone was a gift so I didn't really have a choice but I really love it, you should get one too and then I'd be able to add you to my contact list on HuntsApp!"
"A gift?" Killua already knew the answer but still found himself asking, "Gon, who the hell would buy you such an expensive pho—"
"Hey Killua I almost forgot," Gon interrupted. "Where do you live?"
"Huh?" Killua was at a loss with the sudden change in topic but soon his excitement to tell Gon about his house became overwhelming.
I'll ask him about the phone later.
"Um...well I live in a townhouse-style apartment. It's really nice, Gon and Illumi let me pick it out when we had first gotten to Yorkshin!"
"Whoa...really?!" came Gon's surprised reply. "I can't believe that he let you do that! Doesn't your family have a vacation home here already?"
Killua laughed. "Oh yeah... but he was so totally caught up in pretending to make up for all the crap he did in the past that it was pretty easy to get what I wanted." Grinning, he added, "So naturally I went for the best since he's the one paying the rent. I told him that we needed enough room just in case we have visitors and of course he fell for it."
Curious, Gon asked, "What is it like living with Illumi now though?" Sometimes it was hard to tell whether Killua and his brother were getting along or not.
"It's the same as it's always been when we grew up together. Only now, the difference is that he isn't going on jobs to be out of my hair. He's at home most of the time and with the space between us being much smaller, it's harder to avoid him – so it totally sucks that I can't escape his overbearing presence and especially annoying nagging." Killua huffed. "He's always like: 'Killua don't do that', 'Killua where are you going today?', 'Killua don't forget to eat your lunch...'"
Killua gritted his teeth before continuing.
"And then I tell him: 'I'm not a fucking kid; I'm fucking fifteen years old and have been making my own decisions since I was six!' And you know what he tells me?!"—he made a frustrated gesture with his hands—"he tells me: 'Killua stop cursing'. So most of our discussions end in me walking off on him. It's pointless arguing with that jerk."
Gon laughed awkwardly; realizing that he was naive to actually expect a better response. "Killua it can't be that bad. Didn't you tell me yesterday on the phone that you guys were having lunch together? It sounds like he makes nice stuff for you."
"Don't remind me," Killua replied, tussling his hair in irritation at Gon's look of confusion. "Urghhh, Gon you don't know the half of it."
"You know Killua, I've been wondering," Gon started, and seeing that his friend's attention had not left him, he continued. "Is Illumi like that with your other siblings?" Surely Killua wasn't the only one who had caught his attention. And if so,was it because he was the heir that his brother wanted to treat him specially?
"Like how?" Killua asked. "Creepy, overbearing and possessive?"
"Ah..." Those weren't exactly the words Gon was going for but if that was how Killua saw it he guessed that they would suffice. "Yeah..."
Killua didn't have to think at length to give Gon an answer. "I wish that he'd have chosen to bother Kalluto instead of me. After all, mother had placed him under Illumi's supervision for some time." Killua's bored posture reflected his state of mind. "Unfortunately, as soon as Kalluto went off on his extended assignment and I returned with Alluka, Illu-nii was back to tormenting my existence with his pretentiousness."
"Is he still...you know, a threat to Alluka like before?" When they had last met, Gon had asked him how Alluka was doing back at the Zoldyck's residence, but he hadn't specifically asked how she was being treated by Illumi. At the time he didn't believe that it was important but after thinking about it a bit more, he figured that the 'family thing' Killua had told him about the year before and the fact that Hisoka mentioned being hired by Illumi to stop Alluka from granting Killua's wish meant that Killua's eldest brother was at odds with her. That made him feel a bit protective towards Killua's sister, even if she was no longer experiencing a threat from the rest of her family. He would not tolerate anyone treating someone who had basically saved his life and who was so precious to Killua badly – even if it was Killua's own brother behaving that way.
Killua was too distracted by Gon's concern for his sister to remember that he had actually never told him that Illumi had been a threat to her. "No need to worry Gon, like I told you before, Alluka's alright. We talk everyday on the phone and she's very happy," he said, smiling gently at the way Gon's expression relaxed a bit. He was happy that Gon was still interested in Alluka's well-being. "As for how Illu-nii treats her, apparently, according to him, his former views have changed since there is no point in trying to control either Alluka or me considering that we are both on the Zoldycks' side." Killua made a scoffing sound in his throat, adding in a low grumble, "Like I believe that jerk."
What he didn't tell Gon though, was that after talking with Illumi that morning, he really was starting to tolerate him more, despite the fact that he was still aggressively fighting that change.
And worse yet, that kiss.
I don't think I'm ever telling Gon about that. How do I even begin to explain that shit?
"Who knows, maybe he really is no longer a threat to you," Gon commented, shrugging his shoulders.
Killua studied his friend's casual expression, utterly nonplussed. Gon seemed to have this innate ability to simplify the most complex situations.
If only I could be so carefree.
"Gon, you don't get it, do you? My brother is not just a manipulator by Nen type, he cannot be trusted."
"I kind of always thought that Illumi didn't bother himself with things like lies and trickery. He seems like a pretty straightforward person…"
"Whatever." Killua didn't even bother considering it. "Anyway, now it's your turn to tell me about where you're staying."
"Well I'm staying on North Street; my place is near that fancy restaurant by the boulevard."
"The Italian restaurant?"
"Yup."
Killua tried to recall which residential buildings were located there. "What? Isn't that where they built all the really tall condos recently?!"
Gon laughed. "I don't know much about York Shin so…maybe?"
"W-what um Gon...don't tell me you're living in a condominium complex!" His eyes widened as a thought occurred to him. "Wait; don't tell me that Park Towers is that condo! Where did you get the kind of money to stay there?! Forget buying a unit in that place, even the rent is a killer!"
That could buy me a lifetime supply of Chocorobots...
"But Killua your place isn't cheap either!"
"Meh, I already told you...the rent money is coming out of Illu-nii's pocket so I don't care."
"Bu—"
"Now back to you," Killua said, not wanting to stray from the subject. He finished the glass of water in front of him in one gulp, then turned back to Gon, deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt first before jumping to any conclusions.
I wonder if Ging's paying for Gon to stay there? With his kind of money he could more than afford to buy his son a condo in YorkShin city.
If that was the case, I could understand. After all, maybe Gon's deadbeat dad is finally trying to atone for having abandoned his kid for the past decade and a half.
"So...Gon, is your dad renting that place for you?"
"Ah Ging…well, no..."
Hmmm so it isn't Ging...
"Ok...so that means you must have won the lottery then?"
"..."
"Well?"
"Killua you know I don't play that."
"Then how did—"
"Okay here we go!" Laura chimed as she placed a large white serving tray containing their orders on the table between them.
Shit...not again, Killua thought, gritting his teeth at the interruption. I didn't even see her coming.
Quickly unpacking the contents in front of them while Gon literally rubbed his hands together, she recited, "Two pistachio fraisiers, one water and one Blackberry Mojito Tea."
"Thank you Laura" Gon said, quickly smiling up at her before diving into the treat with his fork.
Laura retrieved her tray and gave them her friendliest smile. "You're welcome! I'll be over there if you need anything else!"
Killua watched her leave and then focused his stare back on Gon.
I swear I'm going to find out exactly what's going on with you and nothing's going to stop me the next time I ask.
Something's not right.
Are you really fooling around with Hisoka?
He remembered the hickey and how Gon had carefully avoided answering the question about whether or not he was staying with Hisoka the last time they had met up.
Damn it…don't tell me you really are living with him?!
Killua didn't even dare to entertain the thought that he was absolutely right about Gon's living situation and that Hisoka and his friend were probably doing much more than simply 'fooling around'.
That's impossible. Gon isn't that gullible.
"Mmm Killua what are you waiting for?" Gon asked, his dessert already mostly gone. "This is amazing!"
"Huh?" All that was left on Gon's plate was the glazed strawberry and less than a quarter of the cake section he'd started with. "Oh, I'm glad to see that you like it so much…"
Gon focused his attention on Killua's untouched cake. "Does that mean you're giving me yours?"
"Hey! Stick to your own dessert and stop looking at mine like that!" Killua pulled the small gold-tone plate holding his pistachio fraisier closer to him. "Back off or I'll drink your Mojito."
"Killua, don't do that, I haven't even tasted it yet…" Gon whined.
"Ha, then leave my stuff."
Gon stuck his tongue out at Killua and went back to polishing off his dessert happily.
Killua's playful glare softened as he continued to look at him. If only things could have remained like this: just the two of them hanging out together – always. In the past he'd thought that all he had to worry about was Gon getting himself stupidly slaughtered or some woman taking him away. The last thing he expected to have to worry about was that Hisoka would actually succeed in getting into his pants.
Okay...
Killua bit down on his lip, hoping that the pain would help him to ignore the direction in which his thoughts were heading. He wanted to know what Gon was hiding from him and he suspected that Gon was sexually involved with someone but he was utterly afraid that the person his friend was involved with was the one all the evidence was pointing to.
What am I going to do if I ask and Gon tells me that they really are fucking?
Just then an image of Hisoka whispering vile things to his friend, naked and trembling in ecstasy entered his consciousness and immediately his hand flew to his mouth.
I think I'm going to be sick, he thought as his earlier nausea came back with a vengeance.
He got up, pushing the chair away from him and his plate toward Gon.
"Killua? What's wrong?" Gon asked, suddenly alert and looking up from his now empty plate to see Killua standing, eyes darting around the room as if searching for something. To Gon he looked a little green in the face.
"On second thought, you can have my pistachio fraisier Gon…" Killua muttered between his fingers.
"Killua?"
"…"
"Is everything okay?" Laura asked, coming up to them.
"I think Killua needs to use the bathroom…"
"Oh I see!" She turned to look at him. "Come this way, there's one right over here."
XXX
N.B.: Ten minutes later ~
On returning to his seat, Killua saw that Gon was still where he had left him with Laura now sitting opposite talking to him.
When she looked up to see him standing there, she quickly got up to allow him to sit back down. "Are you okay now? You look a little better."
"Thanks for your help," he said, pausing to give her a small smile. "I do feel...better."
"You're welcome."
Laura continued to study him for a moment before asking, "You're not allergic to ginger right?"
Killua shook his head.
"Well I put some ginger tea there for you; it will help you to feel better." She pointed at the glass in front of him on the table. "Make sure to drink it all and if you need some more water, let me know."
Killua smiled as she walked back to the service area.
"Ah Killua, did you eat something bad?" Gon asked, watching as Killua sipped the tea cautiously. He was confused since Killua was practically immune to a wide range of poisons. What could possibly have made him ill?
"No I didn't eat anything bad and in any case I feel much better now so wipe that worried look off your face."
"I can't help it Killua! Look at me,"—Gon gestured quickly to himself—"Of course I must worry about you; I was even so panicked that I ate all your dessert!"
In afterthought he rubbed his head nervously. "Sorry about that though…"
"That's okay Gon; I did say you could have it. It's not like I could have eaten it anyway."
"We—"
[[Erratic beeping sound]]
"What's that? Is it your phone again? I've been hearing that sound since we got here."
"Oh that's the notification for when someone sends you a message on that HuntsApp thing I was telling you about."
"Really? I must admit that it seems kind of cool."
"Yeah it totally is Killua. I downloaded it last night."
"How does it work? Maybe I'll get a better phone so we can chat with this too."
Gon was excited to see that Killua was no longer bitter about him changing phones and now seemed willing to download the new app for them to chat. "It's just like how we text each other but this one is easier to use, more popular and can only be downloaded from the App Market by licensed Hunters. Plus...it has cool emoticons!"
"An app exclusively for Hunters?" Killua asked a bit unsure.
"Yeah, it prompts you to put in your hunters' license number to sign up in addition to your phone number so that makes all messages you send and receive more secure!"
"But wouldn't using our license numbers in an open forum like that make it easy for people with less than honest intentions to track us?"
"Normally, yes. Instant messaging apps usually have security holes and I was worried about that too but it seems that their server is really, really secure," Gon responded with a grin.
"Hack-proof?"
"Mmmhmm, if you take the right precautions to protect yourself."
Killua found himself staring at Gon with his mouth agape and quickly closed it. When did Gon get so tech savvy?!
This feeling was just like a few days ago when Gon had effortlessly beaten him at those arcade games.
"How do you know so much about all this stuff? You were never interested in techie things before."
"I'm only repeating what Hisoka told me. He's always talking about that stuff," Gon replied honestly, unaware of how quickly the last traces of Killua's smile vanished when he mentioned Hisoka's name. "Hey, you know what?"
"What?"
"We could even talk to Leorio and Kurapika with this!"
"Is that so?"
"Of course, they use HuntsApp as well! I was so happy when I downloaded this and saw them on my contact list. But since they're really busy it might still be hard to communicate. I already sent Leorio a message earlier and Kurapika was online a while ago but I didn't want to bother him."
Gon pulled the slim phone out of his pocket and Killua couldn't stop himself from asking. "Gon, who was it that bought that for you?"
Gon blushed, deciding not to avoid the truth anymore. "Well, Hisoka gave it to me last night."
"Why would Hisoka be giving you gifts?!"
"Ah…he said that my other phone was 'outdated'."
"But I still have mine…"
The phone buzzed in his hand.
[[Erratic beeping sound]]
"Hey Killua look!" Gon announced animatedly, trying to distract his friend and change the somber air that had descended upon him. "That's probably Leorio replying to the message I'd sent him so here, I'll show you how the app works." He propped his elbows on the table and quickly slid his thumb across the screen to unlock it. Killua leaned closer.
Evil Magician: Hey Gon-kun having fun? I bet it's not as much fun as we had this morning *wink, wink* (๑ˇεˇ๑) (P.S.: just in case you don't know, that's a kiss…just like the ones I like to put all over your fat ass and up past your—)
Gon quickly pushed the phone back in his pocket. Mortified, he looked up to see Killua looking at him and frowning.
Holy shit. I should have known that Hisoka usually messages me at random times when I'm out and—
"Gon…"
How am I going to explain this? "Y-yes Killua?" Gon smiled up at him innocently. Maybe he didn't see the entire message.
"Is 'evil magician' who I think it is?"
Ok…he saw it.
"It depends on who you think it is…"
"…" Killua paused, trying to focus on breathing evenly.
"Gon," he repeated, his voice lower and more dangerous than before. "Do you take me for a fool?"
Gon started to cold sweat. I want to tell him what's going on but I really don't think I'm ready for his reaction.
"No Killua…I'll never take you for a f—"
"I'm giving you up to the count of ten."
"What?" Gon was absolutely befuddled.
"I'm sick of all this nonsense Gon; come clean. You've been hiding something from me, keeping me in the dark like it's some kind of joke and you better start being honest or else…" Killua didn't finish his sentence but Gon could pretty much guess what would happen.
"It's just that I… I…"
"You what?"
"..."
"Well if you're ready to talk, I will help you along." Killua started. "First off, you've been acting strangely since we met up in this city. You're not usually a late person and now you are. What is it that has you so tired? Last time you looked like you hadn't slept in days. You have all sorts of weird bruises: the other day it was your forehead, this time there's one on your neck and I can clearly see that it's a bite"—he pointed to Gon's neck—"What the heck is going on with you and Hisoka?" He took a deep breath, fists clenching atop the smooth, patterned table between them. "Because I suspect that he's the reason you've been acting differently."
Gon neither confirmed nor denied the accusations and it sort of scared Killua that he was right. "This man…he's taking you around town, you're going to the arcade with him and now he's bought you a new phone?"
"Uh…that's a lot of stuff for me to answer all at once..." Gon whispered, eyes focused on the table.
Killua made an exasperated sound in his throat. "Ok. Well let's get to the point then. What's your relationship with Hisoka? Friendship, a job or more than that?"
"Well we have this job to do and..." Gon stopped.
What am I doing?
Why am I being secretive to Killua about this?
He had been about to lie in order to protect himself but then he remembered how much trouble his lies that morning to Hisoka had gotten him in.
Killua is my best friend and I will only hurt him if I continue to lie.
But will the truth hurt him as well…?
"Gon...earth to Gon," Killua called and Gon opened his eyes to see his friend waving a hand close to his face.
He blinked a couple times. "Huh?"
"You're spacing out."
"Ah, sorry Killua..."
"Are you going to answer my question?"
"Yes…you see..." Gon's index finger traced the blue, pink and purple swirls of the psychedelic art emblazoned on the surface of the laminated tabletop. "Y-you see, the thing is...well this is how it is, I..." He stopped himself and took a deep breath.
What am I getting so worked up about? I'm sure Killua would understand.
Finally, he met those questioning blue eyes directly. "The relationship I have with Hisoka is beyond friendship."
Killua was silent for a while as if unsure of what to say next. When he did speak, it was to ask another question. "So did this 'relationship' develop recently or were you lying to me the day before when you said that there was nothing between you, making me feel that it was just a crush that you had on him?"
Gon lowered his head. "That's right Killua, I...I lied to you."
"Did Hisoka make you lie to me?"
"No..."
"I can't believe that...this was all your decision," Killua said, the pain in his voice unmistakable.
Gon quickly put up a hand. "Killua, I wanted to tell you; I really, really did but I..."
"So...what you are saying is that you're both in a relationship?"
Twisting uncomfortably in his seat, Gon found himself hard-pressed to come up with a response to that question. How exactly was he supposed to respond to that? Hisoka never did say that they were together in a relationship although he acted that way.
Killua looked at Gon's expression and found himself getting angrier. How the heck could he not know?
"Um...our relationship...well it, you know..." Gon sputtered, trying to find the right words to describe the 'relationship' he shared with Hisoka so that his friend could understand.
But it came out all wrong.
"Killua, I...I'm not sure...we always you know...and he just..."
"Gon," Killua said firmly, interrupting his confused babbling. "So it's just sex then?"
"Um..."
"Are you in a sexual relationship with Hisoka?"
Gon's blush spread from his cheeks right to the tips of his ears and Killua couldn't restrain his gasp. It was just as he'd feared and worse. All the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together. The marks on Gon's neck, the fact that he was usually late or tired when they met and then there was that weird phone call the day before when Gon was sounding like he was…
Oh my gods was he having sex while talking to me on the phone yesterday?!
"Gon, what—"
"Killua, please don't look at me like that..." Gon pleaded. "I really do like Hisoka you know..."
"So what… you're ready to admit that you're gay now? Is that it? What about the 'I don't know' when I had asked you the last time?"
"I—" he began but Killua cut him off.
"You seem to have made up your mind about this but it's impossible to know something this important so soon... Look at it from my point of view; it's crazy! Your time with this individual has only been like what—a few days?!"
Picking up his water glass, Killua regarded his friend over its rim before taking a sip and adding in a dismissive tone, "You're just going through a phase or something."
And when this crazy phase is over, please choose someone more appropriate…
"But wouldn't that just be your opinion?" Gon argued.
Killua tried not to slam his glass back down on the table. "Dammit Gon stop being so...so freaking stubborn!" He took a deep, steadying breath but it failed to relax him. Gon was so hardheaded and sometimes it was beyond difficult to get through to him.
"Do you think I'll just say something like that to you? Obviously I'm speaking from experience! Geez…it took me so long to come to terms with my sexuality an—" he pressed his lips together. Shit.
Gon tried to make eye contact with him but Killua was not allowing him to. "Killua what are you saying?" he asked, his voice filled with quiet wonder. "Are you gay—?"
Killua cleared his throat. You've only just figured that out Gon? ? Like…seriously? "I'm not the subject of this discussion," he replied, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red.
I'm not going to let him change the subject again.
"W-what I'm trying to get you to understand is how impulsive this all seems. It was just two days ago when you were utterly confused, now all of a sudden you're sure." Frowning, he grumbled, "All because of this…this guy…What's so special about him?"
"He's special to me and that's what matters," Gon replied stubbornly.
"Your change of heart is too sudden; like all because of this person you've made a life-changing decision and boom you think you're gay," Killua sneered. "What if it's just a passing fancy…a curiosity of some sort?"
"I'm not experimenting with my sexuality if that's what you're implying."
"Yes that's exactly what I'm implying. And knowing that you're not sure, what if Hisoka's taking advantage of you?!"
Quiet for a moment, Gon calmly looked from the finger pointed at his face to Killua's heated expression, and then replied with a question of his own. "To experiment you have to be unsure right?"
Confused, Killua responded, "Well…yes..."
"But I'm sure."
"Tch and what could possibly make you so sure?" Killua asked, still looking skeptical.
"Listen Killua," Gon said with conviction. "It may not seem like a long time and this may all appear to be sudden, but a lot has happened in the past few days; I've been forced to do a lot of thinking and it all makes sense now."
"What does?"
"I've never really been attracted to anyone before."
"But what about all those ladies on Whale Island you told me you kissed? What about Palm?"
"I felt nothing more than friendship towards them. Their kisses felt no different than the ones I always give Aunt Mito. It was fun hanging out together and being nice to them, but with Hisoka, his kisses are always so intense and they make me want to kiss him more...to have him put his arms around me and—" Gon stopped himself, to look quizzically at his friend who was rubbing his temples as if he had a major headache. "Is everything alright Killua?"
"Have you ever heard of a little something called TMI or too much information?"
"Huh?"
"Figures," Killua grumbled. First he doesn't want to tell me anything, and then he's telling me too much... What the heck?
Now he wouldn't be able to unsee that mental picture of his friend being french kissed by that lewd magician. His eyes strayed to the marks on Gon's neck. How much more did Gon have? Were there others hidden beneath his t-shirt?
"I still can't believe that you..." His words seemed to get smaller, more pained. "I can't believe that you've been lying to me all this time—"
"Killua, I just lied about one thing when we were here previously and that was the extent of my relations with Hisoka. That's all I've been lying about and—" Gon blushed suddenly as he remembered. Since he was coming clean with the truth, he might as well tell Killua everything. "There was something else I lied about too. On the phone yesterday, I was not eating..."—his blush deepened—"well, I wasn't eating food that is...um...and...I...uh...the thing is it wasn't a mosquito that was bothering me either, it was Hisoka and those sounds weren't from me playing a game." Gon's voice lowered and he leaned closer to Killua. "In fact I was having fellatio…you know, oral se—"
"Oh my goodness Gon!" Killua gasped wide-eyed. I suspected as much but I don't want you to tell me!
Unfortunately, Gon continued to talk despite the horror-struck look on Killua's face.
"I'm such a newbie at this stuff...I had no idea that talking on the phone could be so hard while having to sit there an—"
"What the heck is wrong with you man?!" Killua clasped his hands tightly over his ears. "I can't listen to this!"
Gon grasped his wrists, using them to forcibly pull Killua's hands away from his ears, and as he yanked him closer in the same movement, their eyes met. They were silent for a moment as they simply stared at each other and then Gon continued heatedly. "That's the problem with you Killua," he hissed through clenched teeth, his grip tightening around Killua's wrists and his eyes never leaving those familiar blue ones now widened in surprise. "You want to see me as this picture of perfection, this light, but you haven't considered that maybe I'm not as perfect as you think. Maybe I lied but have you ever thought that I wouldn't have had to if you had allowed me to tell you the truth when I was trying? You probably wouldn't have believed me if I'd told you anyway; you kept refusing to see things as they are even though my situation is obvious! You're in constant denial!"
"…"
When Killua did not respond he continued, "I'm having sex with Hisoka, Killua. I like it very much and I like him very much. We may not be in a relationship but I know that he cares for me and right now, I think I probably might be in love wit—"
Killua tried to pull away his wrists but Gon's hold was firm. "What nonsense are you spouting Gon?!"
"It's not nonsense!" Gon protested. "My feelings may mean nothing to you but that does not give you the right to be so judgmental! You don't understand Killua, because you've probably never loved anyone, but when you do you'll know how I feel."
Killua managed to free his hands from that iron grip, quiet for a moment and hurt by Gon's words. This felt familiar. When had this happened before? Oh yeah, when they'd gone after Neferpitou and Gon had told him that he had it easy because Kite's retrieval meant nothing to him. You were wrong then...and you're wrong now Gon, he thought. I may have never been in love, and it's true, maybe I don't understand how you feel...but if your feelings meant nothing to me, I wouldn't be so concerned about you.
Gon looked at Killua's face, and on seeing the pain there, regret flooded him at having hurt his friend. He really had not intended to offend him with his words, but still feeling slighted by what Killua had said to him, he was in no mood to apologize.
So for a few tense minutes, no more words were exchanged and despite the fact that the cafe was lively with the banter from the other customers, the silence between them became strained to the point that it was deafening.
Rubbing one of his bruised wrists, Killua finally spoke. "Why did you let him go that far? Why did you have sex with him?" he asked, meeting Gon's heated but curious gaze. "I don't understand how you could say that you like him...it's too soon..."
"I have been attracted to him for a long time you know," Gon confessed quietly. "I just didn't really understand what I felt then."
"Does Hisoka have feelings for you?"
"Well…"
Killua was aghast. "You don't know?!"
"It's not that simple."
"And you let him do those things to you?!"
"Well he asked me to stay with him."
"That means nothing!" Killua shouted, slamming his fist on the table.
Wait... 'stay with him'?
Killua looked up quickly. "Gon! You're not going to tell me that you accepted that bullshit and you're living with—"
"Yes I am. And it's not bullshit. I'm sorry I've been avoiding your questions about my living situation. I had also been concerned about your reaction to that as well." Before Killua could say anything else, Gon continued. "I have been living together with Hisoka ever since I came to YorkShin over a week ago." He looked down for a moment, fishing around in his pockets for paper and effectively missing the way Killua paled even more than he had previously.
Although Killua had really strong suspicions about Gon's living situation, especially after learning that he was living in a condo, hearing it from Gon and learning that that was the case since before they had reunited hurt more than he expected.
Gon has been hiding this from me...since the beginning?
"Gon...are you serious?" Killua asked as Gon started scribbling on the piece of paper he had found.
"Here you go Killua," Gon announced, looking down at the small sheet of paper briefly to make sure he had gotten the address right. He focused on him again. "I'm sorry this is so late but now that you know truth, I really want you to know everything that's going on with me; I don't want to lie to you anymore." Grabbing Killua's hand, he pushed the paper into his palm. "This is our address. Maybe you could come visit sometime!"
"Huh?" Killua looked away from Gon's bright smile to absently regard the crumpled paper currently in his palm.
'Our'…address?
What Gon was asking of him was the impossible. There was no way he would be able to get used to this situation with his best friend and that man any time soon.
"Gon, there is no way I'm coming to see you with that man there!"
"But—"
"Gon you don't get it do you?" Killua asked.
"What am I not getting Killua?!"
"This man could be using you for his own satisfaction."
"You don't know that."
"Then what proof do you have?! That he put you up in an expensive condo…that he asked you to stay with him and gifts you with expensive things?! That proves nothing more than the fact that you're just his little se—" Killua stopped before he said what was on his mind.
Gon's eyes narrowed. "That I'm just his what Killua?"
"It's not important, Gon...just open your eyes and see the truth."
"How could you talk to me about 'truth' when you keep refusing to acknowledge what's going on…?"
"Explain it to me then."
"It's not about expensive condos or gifts...you know me better than that Killua." In spite of the dispirited atmosphere between them, Gon smiled to himself, turning to look out one of the floor-length windows at the people bustling by on the pavement. His tone got dreamy when he recalled the way Hisoka made him feel sometimes. "When I'm with Hisoka I feel…happy and I can tell that he's happy when he's with me too."
"It could be a trap – he did boast in Heaven's Arena how dishonest he is," Killua said rolling his eyes. How much more obvious could it be for Gon to realize that this was just a temporary thing for Hisoka? "He'll get bored of you soon you know."
Gon tried not to let it show but he couldn't prevent himself from flinching in response to Killua's words that pulled at his insecurities. "I don't think so," he countered. "Hisoka would never get bored of me."
Killua ignored the way Gon's fists tightened on the table and his eyes hardened with his belief. "Gon, you can be so clueless sometimes." He saw Gon frown at him but he intended to get his point across and continued, "As I said before and he said himself, he's a liar. What if he's lying to you?!"
"He's not!" Gon insisted.
"I can't take this," Killua mumbled. Hisoka obviously had his friend brainwashed. "You are such a naïve fool."
"Killua, take that back!"
Instead of apologizing, Killua turned away and a gloomy silence settled between them.
Just then Laura came by, oblivious to the tension between the two young men. "Hey Gon I forgot to ask you how the coffee was," she said as she packed their used plates and glasses onto her tray.
Gon tore his gaze away from Killua to look up at her. What was she talking about?
Seeing his confused expression, she tried to clarify. "The crème brulee? I did not work this morning but my colleague told me that your partner was here and he was trying to decide between the cafe latte and the crème brulee for your first trial and decided to go with the crème brulee." She smiled. "It must be so nice to live with someone so thoughtful."
Killua gritted his teeth. He really couldn't take this anymore.
"Where are you going Killua?" Gon stood up to follow him as he walked off.
"…"
"Hey wait up, let me pay!"
Killua did not stop; he continued walking and Gon quickly pulled some money out of his pocket and dropped it on the table. Most likely he was overpaying on the bill but he didn't care, there was no time to stop to check what they owed when Killua was already almost out the door. He couldn't let him leave like this.
"Ki—"
Killua pushed open the door and was already outside. The jingling of the attached bell that sounded so cheery whenever customers entered now sounded ominous and disharmonic, like a harbinger of terrible things to come.
In his haste to catch up to Killua, Gon almost ran right into him as he suddenly stopped on the sidewalk. "Gon, I'll be honest with you. I really don't know how to deal with this."
"What? Killua…do you have a problem with me being gay?"
Killua's brow furrowed in confusion; if he wasn't currently feeling so devastated, he'd have slapped his own forehead…or shook some sense into Gon. "Gon, how the heck could I have a problem with that when I'm also g—ah…"—he stopped himself in time, stumbling over his words a bit—"you could wear a T-Shirt announcing your sexuality to the world and I couldn't care less." Sighing sadly, he continued, "That's not the problem; the problem is who you're with…and what you've done."
"What do you mean?"
"It's the lies...I can't handle the fact that you've been consciously lying to me from the beginning. Even Laura knew what was up with you. I feel so dumb."
"But Killua I told you, I wanted to be truthful since we met but you wouldn't let me!"
"So instead of owning up to what you did, you're blaming me?"
"…"
"You just don't understand, and that's what's frustrating. What bothers me is that you were content to continue lying to me and only came clean because I became suspicious! You were satisfied with me believing that you two were just travelling together."
"I…"
"What?" Killua asked tersely, folding his arms across his chest while still keeping his back turned to Gon.
"…"
Gon said nothing so Killua turned his head to look back at him. "You didn't want to tell me because you were worried about how I would deal with knowing that you two were doing all that." He paused to take a deep breath that sounded tired. "So how do you think I feel now? Have you any idea how tough the past few days have been for me thinking that you were in danger with this man and worrying about you when you disappeared? I practically worried myself sick while you were probably under him having a good time."
"Killua..."
"..."
Gon took a good look at what he could see of his friend's face. Now that he did, he saw the shadows under his eyes and the skin that was a little too pale. His heart hurt to see Killua like this. What could he say to him when Killua was right? The past few days while he didn't know how much his friend was worrying about him, he had been having sex…and lots of it.
How could I have been so…
"Killua I'm so sorry, I—" He had reached out to touch Killua's shoulder, to turn him around so that he could talk to him face to face but when he felt him stiffen under his touch Gon's hand fell away to hang lifelessly at his side.
Killua continued to look back at him, unable to keep the sadness from his eyes. "How could you lie to me Gon? Aren't we friends? Am I not someone you could trust?" He felt like he was about to cry and bit his lip to stem the desire. "I must admit, you really did try to tell me and I guess I overreacted because I didn't want to hear it at the time. In the end I fooled myself into thinking that everything would be okay again despite all the overwhelming evidence that you two were…" Killua couldn't say it; it was as if by saying it he'd be admitting to himself that this really was happening. He couldn't fight the feeling that he was losing Gon and it made him sad. What about their plan to travel the world together?
I don't want to lose you.
He turned away from Gon again and from those all-seeing hazel eyes that seemed to bore right through to his soul.
"Look at me Killua…" He heard behind him.
Killua looked down at his sneakers instead of looking back at Gon again. His expression hardened. "No."
"Why?" Gon asked, a hint of his pain sneaking its way into that one word.
"I can't."
"Look at me…" Gon's words became more insistent and he clenched his fist to resist trying to reach out to Killua again.
Please look at me.
"I can't," Killua repeated. "I really can't bear to look at you." Truthfully, he didn't want Gon to see how devastated he was.
"Killua…"
Just then, Killua felt two arms wrap around his waist from behind and he gasped, immediately tensing up, but this time the arms did not let him go.
"Do you hate me?" Gon asked, his voice muffled against the smooth fabric of Killua's navy blue turtleneck jersey.
Of course I don't hate you Gon. How could I? I hate myself for being such a fool and not realizing this sooner.
When Gon received no answer, he tried again. "I'm really sorry."
"You said that already," Killua said, his voice sounding meaner than he intended.
"Y-yes…" Gon sounded like he was the one about to cry now.
Killua squeezed his eyes shut, remaining motionless in Gon's hold. He hated that his friend sounded so hurt.
I hate myself for being hurt and hurting you Gon.
"Killua I don't know...can't we just…"
Gon paused for one tense second.
"…forget about this?" he suggested in a small voice, a whisper that was barely audible.
Killua felt Gon's cheek press against his back and those arms tighten around his torso but he still did not move. What he really wanted to say to Gon he couldn't tell him. I hate that you chose the one person to be with who I cannot accept. I just...I just can't accept this... I can't pretend to be okay with watching you speeding down this path to self-destruction.
"Killua, I…"
The pain was obvious in Gon's tone as he fought to say something to make Killua understand how he felt but nothing good enough came to mind.
Killua finally turned around in Gon's embrace and put both hands on his shoulders. He looked away when their eyes met, unable to tolerate the look of pain in those expressive hazel eyes.
Of all people...why did you have to fall for him?
You're asking too much of me.
"You've always been so open with me Gon…so honest; we shared our dreams and our hopes together for the future. I can't help but think that being around that man will change you somehow," he said. "It already has."
"I won't change Killua," Gon avowed.
Killua did not respond but simply looked at him, studying his resolute expression. It seems as if Gon doesn't even realize how much he's already changed in the time that he's been in Hisoka's company.
What if he changes to the point that I'm left behind?
Maybe eventually, one day, Gon would no longer want to be my friend and would want nothing more to do with me.
"Is this because I left you alone for a year? Are you trying to get back at me somehow?" Killua asked quietly. He needed to know…
Maybe this is all my fault for abandoning him.
"What? How could you say that?" Surprised, Gon looked up at Killua and then leaned close to bury his face in the crook of his neck. "Of course not Killua, we needed that time apart." His voice hitched as he added, "I promise that in time I won't change and even if I do, I'll always be Gon Freecs and you'll always be Killua Zoldyck, my best friend. If I seem different now, it's only because…I just happened to fall in love."
"Gon, I have to go," Killua said, pushing him away slightly, his gaze now averted. He knew that he had to leave before more hurtful words came tumbling from his lips.
Gon hesitated, but eventually his arms fell from around Killua's waist and he awkwardly folded them in front of him.
"Killua, I can't let you go like this…" he insisted when Killua took a step back to increase the distance between them.
"Gon, it's a lot I have to think about. I feel like such a fool right now and I need to... I don't know, I just need to be alone for a while." Killua finally met Gon's eyes and gave him a weak smile. I'm sorry for this Gon. "I promise – I do not hate you," he reassured him.
"Okay…" Gon replied as Killua turned around to leave. Watching him walk away was harder than he thought it would be. His hands clenched and unclenched repeatedly with the desire to grab on to him, to stop him from leaving and tell him how much he did not want him to go...
But he said nothing.
Finally, his lips quivered with the realization of his greatest fear – what if one day Killua walked away from him and never returned?
At that thought, Gon took two steps forward, almost running after Killua, but he stopped, resolving to watch his friend walk further away from him instead. What would he do when he caught up to him anyway? What would he say? There was nothing more he could say or do that hadn't already been said or done with the hope of helping Killua to understand his feelings.
Deep in his heart he felt guilty for not being brave enough to tell Killua about Hisoka from the beginning, for thinking that he could have handled being with Hisoka while keeping it a secret from his best friend. "I acted so selfishly," he whispered to himself, watching as Killua finally disappeared around the corner.
Instead of running after him, Gon turned away to walk back into the pastry shop. As he returned to their table to collect his gym bag, Laura came up to him. "I'm sorry if I said anything offensive," she said softly.
"No, it's not your fault, I...lied to my best friend and now he's angry with me. If I was truthful from the beginning, this could have all been avoided," Gon said as he adjusted the strap on his shoulder.
Laura put a comforting hand on his arm and he stopped fiddling with the bag's strap. "Don't beat yourself up about it." She smiled down at him when he looked up at her. "You see, friends go through lots of challenges together and these challenges are an important part of living and becoming stronger – because that's how we thrive and become better versions of ourselves. Many times there are a lot of unexpected developments in life but you must stand strong and stay focused, never losing your will...otherwise you'd be swallowed up by your fears and lose sight of who you are."
Gon nodded as her words made him feel a little better. "Thank you Laura, I feel better already."
"Look," she said, her hand sliding down his arm to take hold of his palm and rest a small box in it. "I saw how much you liked the pistachio fraisier but we didn't have any more so I packed a little treat for you."
Gon looked from her genuine smile to the little pastel blue cake box in his hands. "What is it?"
"A molten almond cake," she replied, smiling wider.
"Is it good?" he asked doubtfully.
Raising one finger as they walked to the door together, Laura explained, "The molten cake is a sinfully delightful treat and its delicate texture would remind you of the delicate beauty and sweetness of friendship and how much it is to be treasured. So enjoy it, it's a memorable treat. And just like you won't forget this cake, don't forget all the things you've shared with your friend."
"Thank you Laura...for everything," Gon told her before pushing open the door and walking out into the afternoon sunshine. Although he still felt sad about what had happened, he was determined to keep the words she'd told him about friendship close to his heart and concentrate on the good things that he shared with Killua until his friend was ready to face him again.
Explanations:
1) Alluka: I got a comment about Alluka's gender in this fic so I'll address it here just in case other people are wondering. I haven't changed anything from canon. There are five Zoldyck brothers – which would make Alluka one of them and consequently biologically male – but (bear with me here) Nanika is female (ep 146), Alluka identifies herself as female and Killua recognizes that, referring to her as such. So, in this story, I will as well :) But that is just my interpretation; I am in no way saying that this is how it is, so you guys are open to your own interpretations!
3)Although it may seem that way, Killua is not ashamed of admitting his sexuality to Gon. He just didn't want to bring up the topic and detract from what he's trying to get Gon to understand.
A/N:
Gon is something else. "...well, I wasn't eating food that is..." and then "In fact I was having fellatio…" Oh Gon, Killua wanted you to be honest with him, not for you to be so detailed. Hisoka has tainted you lol.
I've just realized that in this chapter, I unintentionally answered the question someone asked me a couple chapters ago about what would have happened if Killua had seen those sexts Hisoka had sent Gon when they were in the cafe the last time ;p
So the truth is out and they're fighting...oh no. Come on boys, get your act together...
It's ironic how, in a twisted way, Hisoka unintentionally helped Gon to come clean about what's going on between them (the mark on his neck, punishing him that morning for lying badly, the text...ha)
**In narrator voice** And whilst that drama is happening between our two friends, we have the evil blight in YorkShin, that was finally revealed, continuing to loom nearby!
See you guys in the next update! Thanks again for all your messages here and on Tumblr, even the ones that reminded me that it was more than time to update. Your messages are the world to me – some of them made me laugh and others made me smile – I loved them all.