Hey guys! Sorry for not updating yesterday, I had writer's block. I really tried to update, but I didn't really like how the chapter turned out, so I made a second take today, and here it is. Hope you like it, it was extremely difficult to write this one, but yeah... Enjoy!

Thanks for reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it, after all, it is my first fanfic ever. Thank you so much! :D

DISCLAIMER: RICHELLE MEAD OWNS VA AND BL. i love her okay.

ADRIAN'S POV

Why was spirit attacking me in the least appropriate moments? I really didn't care what strangers thought of me, but Sage—God, Sage— when she saw me cry... cry! For fuck's sake, I was crying like a baby, and all of this because of spirit. I didn't want her to see me cry; she looked so strong back in the interrogation, and I knew she wanted to cry a couple of times, but she never backed down, she was so strong, unlike me. I was being so useless and pathetic and miserable. I was undoubtedly losing it.

I tried sleeping when I got back to my room, but it was useless. It was always a haze when I tried to sleep. I usually ended up waking up even more tired than I was the day before, so I just gave up trying to succumb to sleep for a few days. Instead I turned to anything that would numb the pain. There were bottles of almost every kind of alcohol in there and butts of cigars all over. Even I was disgusted by myself. Christian and Lissa tried to get me out of my room a couple of times, but it was useless.

What got me out of my room was remembering that Sage was still around Court, or had to be, seeing as Coronation was taking place in a few days. Although she had no business with me, she still cared for me when I broke down, I had to at least thank her for that, and also apologize for what she'd seen, and I kind of owed her for it, to be honest.

I stood up from my bed—the sun was out—and slowly made it to the bathroom. Supporting myself in the sink, I turned it on and splashed water on my face. I looked up at my reflection, result of the last couple of days and no blood.

"I'm a mess," I muttered to my reflection, "You're a mess." Fatigue was everywhere in my face, I looked like I hadn't slept in days. My eyes were all red, there were bags under it, and I looked high. 'Hell, Ivashkov, you look like fucking hell,' I said to my reflection.

The only thing I could do to was to try and look like a normal person would. I took a shower, and not even that did it, as I still reeked of alcohol and smoke. None of the clothes in my wardrobe really matched the mood I was in, so I settled for a pair of leather shoes, jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt.

I exited my room, taking the longest I could before reaching my destination, looking around for a brush of blonde streaks under the sun or around a corner, any place where Sage would most likely be if she was in her secret mission or escaping from Moroi presence. Unfortunately, I didn't see her, and I had to give up on looking for her, at least until I was done with my talk with Rose. I headed to the Royal Palace, where Rose was being taken care of. Several guardians stood outside, but they let me go in as soon as they recognized me. Being one of the Queen's close friends sure has its perks, and of course the one and only nephew of my aunt Tatiana. I took the stairs to the floor Rose was staying at. If I could delay this talk as much as I could, I would. But now was the time.

I stood outside of Rose's door for several minutes, unsure of knocking. Was I really ready to have this conversation? Probably not, but I had to get this over with.

I finally knocked, to which I had no response. I knocked again, and tried the handle—it was unlocked—empty. The room looked calm, as if nothing happened, there were clothes scattered on a few chairs over at the window. Rose was probably out with Lissa or him, the clothes were all here, and so she hadn't escaped or been kidnapped. I decided to wait in her room and sat on the bed. I looked around, paying attention to the details of the room. The room was huge, with gilded furniture. The bed had a red velvet mattress thick enough to be another mattress. I tilted my head back, thinking of the recent events that had occurred. I felt miserable.

I had my eyes closed for a few moments, when I felt Lissa's spirit getting closer and closer. The door opened to Lissa and Rose, just as I turned to face them. I gave a forced smile to both of them.

"Your majesty." I said, almost bowing.

"Stop," scoffed Lissa, "You should know better."

"I've never known better," I replied back. "You should know that."

She smiled at the comment, but quickly grew serious as she realized the situation that was about to be unleashed.

"Well," she said awkwardly, "I've got some queenly things to do."

"I'm sure you do," said Rose as they exchanged glances, "It's okay, Lis. I'll be okay. Go."

Lissa left the room, and it was just Rose and me.

The forced smile on my face was still there, as if nothing had happened, but I knew better than fooling her- she knew I was forcing it, but it was me who I was truly trying to fool.

"Adrian—" she started, but I interrupted her.

"Let's start with you, little Dhampir," I said softly. "Was it going on before you left Court?"

She took a few seconds to reply, as if thinking her answer thoroughly. "No." she said as she shook her head. "I was with you. Just you."

"Well. That's something." I replied coldly. "Better some rekindling of sparks in the heat of battle or quest or whatever, than you cheating right in front of me."

She shook her head frantically. "No, I swear. I didn't—nothing happened then... not until—"

"Later?" I guessed, "Which makes it okay?"

"No! Of course not, I..." she paused. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What I did was wrong. I didn't mean for it to happen. I thought... I really thought he and I were done. I was with you. I wanted to be with you. And then, I realized that—"

Oh, I got it. She really did think that it was okay to just cheat on me, even if she—and her aura—both said it didn't happen, because she had the great, fucking revelation that he was the love of her life and they needed to be together regardless of whatever fucking reason it shouldn't have happened?

"No, no—stop." I held a hand up; as I tried to control the rage I had inside of me. "I really do not want to hear about the great revelation you had about how you guys were always meant to be together or whatever it was."

She had no answer to that, she just stared at me. I ran a hand through my hair, shaken.

"Really, it's my fault. It was there. A hundred times there. How often did I see it? I knew. It kept happening. Over and over, you'd say you were through with him... and over and over, I'd believe it... no matter what my eyes showed me. No matter what my heart told me. My. Fault." I pointed at myself with each of the last two words, emphasizing the obvious.

Of course, why couldn't I just accept it? If I had known that nothing was going to change by Rose being with me, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have had my heart shattered; I wouldn't have my heart thrown back at me like if it was a worthless piece of crap. What I had for her was so strong, and she had just used me as a second choice. The worst was that I knew it, and I still hoped that she would accept me. I just—

"Adrian—"

"I loved you!" I yelled angrily as I stood up so quickly that I got dizzy- spirit was not helping. "I loved you, and you destroyed me. You took my heart and ripped it up. You might as well have staked me!" I walked toward Rose, a hand gripping the shirt over my chest. "I. Loved. You. And you used me the whole time."

"No, no. It's not true. I wasn't using you. I loved you. I still do, but—" she started.

The fact that she could still lie in my face and say she loved me, disgusted me.

"Rose, come on." I said exasperated.

"I mean it! I do love you." She stood up and looked me in the eye. "I always will, but we're not... I don't think we work as a couple."

"That's a bullshit breakup line, and you know it." I said through gritted teeth.

"I'm not... I'm not the one for you." she said as she looked down.

"Because you're with another guy?"

"No, Adrian. Because... I don't. I don't know. I don't... I don't balance you like you need." She looked up at me again.

This is it, now what the fuck does that even mean?

"What the hell does that mean?" I exclaimed, staring angrily at Rose; I expected a fucking good explanation for that line.

"The fact that you have to ask says it all. When you find that person... you'll know," she paused. "And I know this sounds like another bullshit breakup line, but I really would like to be your friend."

I stared at Rose, rendered speechless at her thoroughly studied explanation of "love". I laughed at what must be the most ridiculous of explanations.

"You know what's great? You're serious. Look at your face." I gestured at it. "You really think it's that easy, that I can just sit here and watch your happy ending? That I can watch you getting everything you want as you lead your charmed life?"

"Charmed!" she snapped out. "Hardly. Do you know what I've gone through in the last year?"

"And yet, here you are, triumphant after it all. You survived death and freed yourself from the bond. Lissa's queen. You got the guy and your happily ever after."

She turned around and walked away as she said, "Adrian, what do you want me to say? I can apologize forever, but there's nothing else I can do here. I never wanted to hurt you; I can't say that enough. But the rest? Do you really expect me to be sad about everything else having worked out? Should I wish I was still accused of murder?"

"No," I said, staring at the back of her head. "I don't want you to suffer. Much. But the next time you're in bed with Belikov, please stop a moment and remember that not everyone made out as well as you did."

She turned back to face me, "Adrian, I never—"

"Not just me, little Dhampir," I added, trying to calm spirit and rage. "There's been a lot of collateral damage along the way whilst you battled against the world. I was a victim, obviously. But what about Jill? "What happens to her now that you've left her to the royal wolves? And Eddie? Have you thought about him? And where's your Alchemist?"

She stared at me speechless, and lowered her face as I stared at her back intensely. Jill was now going to have to live under the influence of other royals that would love to manipulate her. Castile now had marks on his record, because of her. And Sage, although she was given this super-secret mission, the Alchemist made it clear that her actions were going to be discussed when she got back, and although I had no idea what her punishment was going to be, it couldn't be good by the way Sage's aura turned indigo—meaning fear—every time Stanton said that they were going to deal with her. I was sincerely worried about her- about everyone.

"Victim," blurted Rose out of nowhere. "That's the difference between you and me."

"Huh?" I was caught off guard, "What are you talking about?"

"You said you were a victim. That's why... that's why ultimately; you and I aren't matched for each other. In spite of everything that's happened, I've never thought of myself that way. Being a victim means you're powerless. That you won't take action. Always... always I've done something to fight for myself... for others. No matter what."

A wave of fury, rage and spirit craziness settled on me.

"That's what you think of me? That I'm lazy? Powerless?" I said; I was on the verge of falling in to the crazy side of spirit.

"No," blurted out Rose. "I think you're amazing. I think you're strong. But I don't think you've realized it—or learned how to use any of that."

"This," I said as I walked to door, "was the last thing I expected. You destroy my life and then feed me inspirational philosophy."

"I'm just telling you the truth. You're better than this... better than whatever it is you're going to do now."

I placed a hand on the door handle, and gave the coldest look—I didn't even know I had a cold look—to Rose.

"Rose, I'm an addict with no work ethic who's likely going to go insane. I'm not like you. I'm not a superhero."

"Not yet." she said.

I scoffed as I shook my head and opened the door. On my way out, I stared back. "The contract's null and void, by the way."

I turned around and shut the door so loudly it shook.

Please review, and tell me if you think this chapters are somewhat short or have a good length, I'm kind of doubting in that part.

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