Barack Obama sat quietly in his cell at Bill Gates' lair. The future was looking bleak, but Obama promised himself that he'd fix what he did. The walls were gray and padded, so that sound could not escape the room's clutches. There existed a single, tiny window at the back that revealed Obama was several hundred feet above the ground, surrounded by a thick forest. A single chromatic toilet was the cell's sole decoration. It clogged often.
The president jumped as the steel door of his cell opened with a hideous screech. Into his cell walked Equius Zahhak, yet another victim to Bill Gates' advanced brainwashing technology. His pale, gray skin seemed to be drenched in sweat.
"D- Redblood. Are you prepared now to serve Bill Gates?" he said.
"No, uh, I am not," replied Obama.
"D- I STRONGLY recommend doing so soon. Bill Gates has authorized torture as a means of punishment" replied the troll.
"Uh, never!" shouted Barack.
"D- Pretty please?"
"I, uh need to be released immediately. I, uh, can't let Bill Gates become king of America."
Equius began sweating profusely.
"D- I-Is that an order?" he stuttered.
"Yes it, uh, is. The fate of my country, nay, the entire world is at, uh, stake here." replied Obama.
"D- Ugh, I need a towel." mumbled Equius as he absconded from the room.
Meanwhile, Sonic had just woken up in his bed in his house in Washington in America on Earth. His eyes were crusty and he blinked rapidly in a half-hearted attempt to fix it. His room was mostly bare; he had recently moved to Washington for business purposes. He wasn't patient enough to decorate, anyway.
Alas, he got trolled by Terezi.
-gallowsCalibrator began trolling blueBlur at 8:09 A.M.
GC: H3Y TH3R3 SON1C! CG TOLD M3 TO W4RN YOU 4BOUT OB4M4'S S3CR3T B1ND3RS...WH4T3V3R THOS3 4RE!
BB: Heh. You're a bit late. Donald Trump has them. Karkat messaged you instead of your past self by mistake, sorry.
GC: W3LL CR4P. DO YOU KNOW HOW H4RD 1T 1S TO G3T 1NT3RN3T 4ROUND H3R3? HUM4NS DON'T L1K3 1T WH3N YOU BR34K 1NTO THE1R HOUS3S TO US3 TH31R 1NT3RN3T, YOU KNOW.
BB: Terezi! That's illegal! Breaking into people's houses is just no good.
GC: OH J3GUS! 1 C4N SM3LL SOM3ON3 COM1NG!
-gallowsCalibrator ceased trolling blueBlur at 8:12 A.M.
"Oh boy, I hope she won't be killlelled." mumbled Sonic. All of a sudden, Shadow the Hedgehog burst through the window Slayer music began to play in the background. His extra powerful rocket shoes hit the carpeted interior with a thud even John Cena would be jealous of.
"Hey asshole," said Shadow, "check out these ROCKET BOOTS that Sollux made." Shadow then proceeded to fly around Sonic's room while firing his submachine gun.
"Shadow! Long time no see! Sorry to bother you, but I'd prefer it if you entered through the door instead of the window."
shouted Sonic over the Slayer music. Shadow ceased his debauchery and looked Sonic in the eye while slowly putting on a pair of shades.
"Deal with it," he said. Somehow the Slayer music got even louder. "Anyway, douchenozzel, Silver told me that you need to get to the resistance's secret hideout like right now."
"Good. I was just about to go looking for Obama anyway." replied Sonic. Shadow gave Sonic the bird and flew off into the metropolis. The blue one got to his feet and dressed himself. Oh wait. He was already dressed. Okay then. His front door swung open, revealing streets full of cars and consumerism. He SuperUltraHyperSonic-Dashed through the streets, as he had learned to do so from Barney the Dinosaur all those years ago (See Appendix B). In exactly 2.5439 seconds, he came to none other than the Lincoln Monument. The blue hedgehog stumbled up the stairs and knocked on the monument 413 times.
Then, he chanted the words "Amasne parvae puellae?" three times. The statue spread apart to reveal a stiff metal hatch underneath. Sonic opened the hatch and jumped down, laying eyes on a small, dirty tunnel with a steel door at the end. Sonic knocked on the door, and a voice from behind beckoned.
"What's the password?" it said.
"Nevermore," Sonic answered. The door opened to reveal Patrick Star.
"Come on in," he said. Sonic waltzed on inside to the relaxing interior of the resistance's secret headquarters. The walls were carpeted in velvet and the doorknobs were made of pure gold. Sonic pranced down the hallway and approached a rather intimidating set of double doors. They were made of solid steel and weighed five hundred pounds each. They were installed so Shadow would stop kicking down the doors every time he entered.
Sonic grunted as he pushed the doors open and laid eyes upon a rather cramped cellar. In its center was a round table lit by a lamp haphazardly hung from the ceiling. Around it were seated the other members of the resistance. These members included Silver the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog, Peridot, Nicholas Cage, Karkat, Terezi, Dave, sans, Papyrus, Sollux,
Alphys, Undyne, Sundowner, and Monsoon. They all chattered quietly under the dimming light.
"Sonic! You're late!" yelled Silver over the crowd. Sonic gave him a look of pure bewilderment.
"I made it here in two seconds, what do you mean?" replied the blue one. Silver gave Shadow a penetrating glare.
"What? I'm not allowed to have a motherfuckin' Big Mac on the way?" croaked Shadow.
"YOU SHOULD HAVE SENT ME, THE GREAT PAPYRUS. I NEVER SLACK OFF!" blurted Papyrus.
"Shadow has Chaos Control and rocket boots. He's better equipped for the job," answered Silver.
"the last time we sent you, you really got yourself BONED." chuckled sans. Papyrus was not amused.
"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT! THAT SIGN SAID I COULD WI IPOD!" he retorted.
"Alright guys! Settle down," said Silver. The crowd settled down. Well, Shadow didn't. They're used to that.
"Due to an error on our messenger's part, our headquarters may be discovered soon," Silver continued, "Any ideas?"
Patrick entered the meeting room.
"We should take the city of Washington and PUSH it somewhere else!" he said. Shadow cut him with his hunting knife.
Patrick fell to the floor and screamed for the duration of this chapter.
"Why don't we jus' kill whoever comes in here?" suggested Sundowner.
"I second this notion," added Monsoon.
"I third this notion," added Undyne.
"I...uhh...What if they're stronger than us?" stuttered Alphys.
"YOU IDIOTS. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CHANGE THE PASSWORD," shouted Karkat, "WHY DO YOU THINK VIOLENCE SOLVES EVERYTHING!? IT DOES NOT. BELIEVE ME!"
"TH3Y'R3 GO1NG TO G3T TO US 3V3NTU4LLY. WHY NOT H4V3 SOM3 FUN?" replied Terezi.
"guy2, ii hear 2omething at the door." interjected Sollux. In a second's time, everyone in the resistance had gathered around the entrance.
"I'll take a look outside, you faggots," said Shadow. He Chaos Control'd out of the room and returned a few seconds later.
"Yep. We're screwed!" he said.
Seconds later, Shadow, Silver, Undyne, Sundowner, and Monsoon climbed out of the entrance.
"What do you want?" inquired Silver. A brainwashed Barney the Dinosaur stepped in front of the crowd.
"We're here to capture you," he said, "Bill Gates wants every one of you with him." Sonic climbed up the hatch and saw Barney at the front of the invasion.
"Bill Gates you son of a bitch!" cried Sonic. Barney was his one and only mentor. How could they do this to him! Peridot and Nicholas Cage climbed out of the hatch.
"Sonic! Don't lose control, that's what they want you to dooooooo!" yelled Peridot, but she was too late. Sonic spin-dashed into the crowd and sheared off Brainwashed Vriska's left leg. She screamed as gallons of thick, cobalt blood splattered everywhere.
The other soldiers did not react and continued forward. Shadow pulled his motorcycle out of his pocket and went to work. Gunshots echoed across the night sky, interrupted by screams.
Sundowner and Undyne charged into the crowd brandishing their weapons and their boldness. Sonic was not doing so well. His torso was scratched and bruised by the repeated attacks of the mindless minions. In his fury, Sonic knocked over Brainwashed Stephen Colbert, who dragged Sonic to the ground with him. Sonic struggled as he was choked by Colbert's hideous grip. After several more gasps, Sonic was knocked out. Peridot screamed, but she knew there was nothing she could do.
Sundowner let out a roar as he snapped Brainwashed Peewee Herman in half with his scissor-blades, but Brainwashed Gordon Ramsay tackled him and they both tumbled to the ground. Gordon Ramsay stomped on Sundowner's face while shouting "IT'S FUCKING RAW!" at the top of his lungs. The other soldiers began joining in while Undyne kicked Brainwashed Pearl in the shin. Pearl, with adrot movement of her spear, knocked Undyne's weapon out of her hands and into the crowd. Undyne screamed and bit Pearl's leg and they both tumbled to the ground as a flurry of punches surrounded them.
Silver and Monsoon stood at a distance, throwing cars and large boulders with their telekinetic powers. Monsoon dodged a flying sword and groaned.
"I can't just stand here and let this happen." he said.
"Monsoon, we need your powers for after the invasion," replied Silver.
"I was born for WAR, dammit! I can't stand for this any longer. I'm going in!" Monsoon retorted as he charged into the crowd.
The army was growing. It seemed that every soldier that was killed was replaced with two more. Shadow's motorcycle was in shambles; his will to fight was wavering. With one last blow, Shadow's body failed him. Sundowner, however, was back on his feet and kicking ass with Monsoon at his side. Undyne was still strangling Brainwashed Pearl. Suddenly, the ground began to shake violently. The soldiers stared in disbelief, and the remaining resistance gasped in horror and terror. Out of the horizon rose Bill Gate's strongest soldier: MICHAEL FROM SCHOOL!\
He wore the golden fedora of power, which granted him the powers of the anchuent Neckbeard Tribe of the North (See Appendix B).
Ever since he was brainwashed he had been under intense training to perfect his powers and it was finally time to put them to the test.
Michael from school held his fedora on his head, and with one tip of his hat he chanted the dark spell.
"M'lady," he said, putting on an enlightening grin. All of the people in the battlefield froze in place, awed by such a chivalrous act.
All of the females swooned on the spot. Sundowner and Monsoon stood still, terrified of the power held by the Golden Fedora of Truth.
Five minutes before, sans, Papyrus, Alphys, Sollux, Karkat, Dave, Nicholas Cage, and Peridot sat by the entrance and waited.
"I, u-uh, hope they're doing okay." said Alphys.
"This is stupid," Peridot exclaimed, "I wish I had the power to go out and fight alongside them."
"SILVER SAID THAT WE'RE TOO VALUABLE TO THE TEAM TO DIE. REALLY, THOUGH, ISN'T FIGHTING BILL GATES THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS GROUP?" yelled Karkat.
"So, uh, what do you guys do for fun around here?" interjected Dave.
"Wanna have a rap battle?" replied Nicholas Cage.
"Heck Yeah!" answered Dave.
-RAP BATTLE START-
Cage: Your rhymes are so bland. I think you may need a hand.
Dave: You'd need four hands to make coherent rhymes, man.
Dave: Your rhymes have no style, like the B movies you star in.
Cage: You need more skills or you're gonna leave me hangin'.
Cage: I've had more game than all of your fans combined.
Dave: If they made a Con-Air 2, they're replace you with a swine.
Dave: Not even Tavros would appreciate your terrible rap.
Cage: I'll be at it all night, so give up now, you poor sap.
And so they continued for quite some time. Meanwhile, sans was getting restless.
"i don't think i can stand this any longer. my friends are being hurt. i can't let this happen." he said.
"VERY WELL, BROTHER! IF YOU ARE GOING THEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL ASSIST YOU IN BATTLE!" replied Papyrus.
"no, Papyrus. i can't let you go. i couldn't live with myself if you died out there. don't worry, i'm gonna give them a BAD TIME." responded sans.
"VERY WELL..." mumbled Papyrus. He wandered off to spectate Dave's rap battle. Dave was winning.
Now, in the present, the hatch opened and sans climbed out. He nearly screamed when he saw Shadow, Sonic, Undyne, and Monsoon being dragged away. Michael from school gave sans a penetrating glare.
"it's a beautiful day outside, isn't it?" sighed sans.
"MMmmm...Almost as beautiful as your friends will be when I'm done with them ;)." replied Michael from school.
"GO TO HELL." shouted sans. With a wave of his bony arm Michael from school was pinned to the ground and then slammed into the Lincoln monument. It crumbled under Michael's weight and he screamed in agony. The distinctive sound of Gaster Blasters populated the air as Michael from school suffered blow after blow. Alas, sans was getting a little tired. For just a moment, he stopped to catch his breath.
Michael from school felt the blood-stained grass beneath him and was filled with DETERMINATION. Suddenly, the night sky filled with a bright yellow light. Lightning stuck all around. Electricity surrounded Michael's form. Trees started to shake violently. Fires started and stopped.
Small rocks flew into the air. Filthy scrubs from across the land bowed to their new master. The few soldiers that were left fainted. Michael's hair turned yellow. His pupils disappeared. He had reached his final form:
D
Sans began to worry. The Gaster Blasters didn't even phase Michael now. Sans sent bones flying in his direction but the final form fedora'd fighter dodged every one. Sans felt himself losing consciousness. He cried for help. It was then that Silver regained consciousness.
The battlefield was horrifying. The horizon was nothing but red and blue. Bodies piled higher than the buildings. Sonic's corpse was nowhere to be found; that's not good! He heard sans' cry and hurried over to him.
"this isn't looking too BONE-ificial to my health," said sans, "but if we combine our powers we may be able to give him a BAD TIME."
"Good idea!" replied Silver as he dodged Michael's katana. Sans and Silver rose up and focused their powers. Suddenly, Michael from school had become frozen in place! Sans smiled. Well, he was already smiling but now he was smiling even more.
"Geeettttttt dunked on!" he shouted. Sans summoned what remained of his power and threw millions upon millions of bones straight through Michael's chest. Michael screamed. His neckbeard had been burnt off. His fedora was in shambles. With one last blow, Michael from school exploded into Mountain Dew. It got on sans' face and he licked it off triumphantly. Unfortunately, fatigue had overtaken him.
Sans' head hit the ground as Silver descended. Silver checked sans' pulse. He was still breathing.
Suddenly, sans got up and grabbed Silver's arm. Silver blushed. Sans looked down.
"you got some mountain dew down there," winked sans, "...mind if i lick it off?"
"W-w-what?" Silver coughed. Sans raised his eyebrows. Silver's face was getting really red; something else was, too. Sans stuck out his tongue and lowered himself onto Silver's body. He felt the wet fur in his skeletal hands and moaned.
"Yo!" yelled Dave, "You killed 'em yet?" Sans hastily zipped his jacket back up.
"yeah. you could say he really got BONED." replied sans. A faint "GOD DAMMIT, SANS!" was heard in the distance. Sans winked at Silver and they returned to the resistance's headquarters. He seemed to die inside a little bit as he told the other members of the casualties. The other members consoled each other for hours. Alphys was sobbing in the corner the whole time.
"Is there any way we can save them?" Peridot asked.
"Well...Bill Gate's probably hasn't brainwashed them yet...If we hurry we can save them!" replied Silver.
"THEN LET US GO!" shouted Papyrus.
"LET'S KICK HIS ASS!" cheered Peridot. The sun came out from over the horizon, and the blood in the grass shined with vigour. Citizens had just begun to trickle back into the city. It was then that our heroes' real quest had begun.
END OF CHAPTER/pre