There was so much running and never reaching, and baseball bats missing the ball, and Carol laughing at him with the tiger on a leash while Tobin was standing behind her with a smug smile and he changed into Ezekiel and then Rick and everyone was laughing, and Denise said he needed to snap out of it, he wasn't laughable, that was his past telling him so and just as he began to stare at all the laughing people in their eyes, straighten himself up to tell them they could go to hell, he woke up. And he felt like shit.
Sometimes during the night he had passed out on the couch after almost emptying the bottle of whiskey, feeling sorry for himself. The battery had died a couple of songs into the b-side and then if he recalled it right, he'd just been thinking about Carol, staring into the candles like a total loser and gulping down whiskey.
The strange dream haunted him, and suddenly the truth smacked him in the face. He had failed her. It wasn't only Carol who had mistreated their friendship. He was guilty too. He'd been so wrapped up in everything that was happening with the herd, the Wolves and the Saviors and feeling sorry for himself for not fitting in to that gated middle-class community, he had forgotten to see his best friend. To really see her, like he had before. He had missed the downward spiral she'd been in. Well, maybe not missed, he noticed alright but he never asked her if she was alright, never gave her any tokens of gratitude like he did in the prison. He had always brought something back to her after runs then, something he knew she would like. In Alexandria there was so many lists, so many needs from the others, he forgot about Carol's. He forgot to be a lover… Ah hell… that was so embarrassing, but it was true. 'Thanks Billy, for rubbing that in'.
He threw the blanket he somehow had found in his drunken haze over his head and sighed. What a goddamn mess he was. What a coward he was. Denise had been so right. Who knew when he'd get a bullet in his head? Could he honestly die without telling Carol how he felt? Fuck no. He'd already been close to it several times and still he hadn't told her. What the fuck was his problem?
Oh, he knew what it was. Because as soon as she looked at him with those gorgeous blue doe eyes, fluttering her lashes, he'd choke up and afraid that what was gonna come out of his mouth would be nothing more the incoherent blubber, he would rather just shut up. Play it safe. No more. No fucking more, he thought triumphantly to himself, threw the blanket away and sat up hastily. Wrong move, his head pounded and rang like a church bell. Okay, coffee first. Second, new improved living.
Stumbling down to the basement, he picked up another battery, heaved himself up the stairs, shuffled into the kitchen, plugged the coffee machine to the battery, opened a water bottle and began making coffee. The sound and smell the machine was producing was heaven to his ears and nose. Yeah, he was gonna survive this too. He looked out the big windows to see the horizon was still there, the sea calm and blue skies. It was probably already after noon so he decided he was gonna stay another day and go back early tomorrow.
He poured himself a cup of the dark liquid and walked out onto the upper porch facing the bay. The fresh air did wonders to his hangover and he slumped down into a patio chair. It was so quiet here, only the soothing sounds of waves and shrieking of water birds. It was different sounds than he was use to in the forest, but he liked them. He leaned back and sipped on his coffee. He thought back on his day yesterday. So much had happened. From a morning of sorrow to a hopeful afternoon to a self-loathing night, and he wanted to talk to Carol about it. God, he wanted to talk to her again. He wanted to tell all his family what he had seen. His crew was so shattered now, maybe they could build a new community here, like they had at the prison? He didn't like that his thought often went back to that time. It was over, but it was hard not to miss it. And if they could have something that good again, he swore he was gonna do everything in his power to protect it and not give up until Negan or any other lunatic was dead and buried in the ground. Everything could be destroyed in such a short matter of time nowadays. One look away, one missed signal and bam! So, carpe fucking diem. What to do with Carol?
Carol hadn't even been gone two weeks until she emerged again in that forest outside Terminus. But during that time, he had made his mind up then, he was ready. If he found Carol again he would tell her, but then she wasn't ready. She wasn't entirely there anymore and he'd been confused. She had always been the strong one and the pushing force between them back before the prison fell. Always pushing close to where she wanted him, and he had been pulling away because he was scared. And then the roles had switched but he hadn't been strong enough to push yet. Not after losing Beth and the feeling of inadequacy in Alexandria. He realized as he drank his coffee, he had to be the strong one now, for her.
But how? He hadn't succeeded before, just made a fool of himself every time he tried to tell her what he really felt. He could write a note. Just a few lines to help him get through it. Yes, actually, that could help. He could write down what to say and then memorize it. He went into the kitchen again, scrambled through some drawers and found some paper and a pencil. Sitting by the kitchen table he began scribbling.
Dear Carol… What the fuck? No! He wasn't writing a goddamn letter, 'it's supposed to be a speech, dumbass'. He scratched it and started over.
Carol, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you but so many things came between us. And I didn't know how to help you. I know you're in pain and I want to help you. If you just could tell me how… I think we're better together than apart. I'm not saying it can be like before, but it can be something new. I still want to start over. I'm right here and I'm not leaving you again. I love you.
His hand was trembling as he wrote those last three words. It was the first time he ever allowed that confession to truly leave the back of his head. He stared at the words. Three simple words he had never written or spoken before, and now he had. It was out there. He, Daryl Dixon loved Carol Peletier. Of course, he'd known that for a long time, ever since the farm when he realized he wanted to stay, for her. That had never happened to him before, wanting to stay in one place for someone other than Merle. So he guessed his subconscious had concluded even then he was officially whipped, but it took a while for him before he understood that he actually liked it. He snickered at the thought. Yeah, Carol could do whatever she wanted with him now. Nothing could be worse than what had already had happened. As long as she didn't throw him out…. But dammit, he was gonna make it impossible for her to do so. He was going to show her what life could be, with him and truly with him.
He folded the piece of paper and put it in his shirt pocket. He drank some water, poured another cup of coffee and began making plans for his day.
A.N. We will be back with Carol in the next chapter, and to the guest reviewer who wondered, I think there will be maybe 2 chapters more.