Really Good Fan Fiction

by TheTophatDemon

Sonic The Hedgehog x Homestuck x Undertale x Metal Gear x Steven Universe x Sonichu x Spongebob x Real Life. Obviously, this is not a very serious story.

4. Chapter 4

Really Good Fan Fiction Chapter 4: The Big Secret

Sonic and co looked upon the carnage that had been wrought. The once pristine room was desecrated by blood and dust.
"That was fucking awesome!" Shouted Undyne. Sonic grimaced.
"Can't we have let just one of them go?" he replied.
"I've seen enough of these guys to know that there's no way to cure them," said Silver, "My first few months in the Resistance were spent figuring that out. Just forget about it, trust me."
"CAN I OPEN MY EYES NOW?" asked Papyrus.
"Yeah, okay." said Silver.
"WOWIE! YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU HAD ALL THIS TOMATO SAUCE! I WOULD'VE BROUGHT NOODLES!" replied the skeleton.
Meanwhile, Sans found himself tied to a chair. The room had no light, but he could hear shuffling next to him.
"heya. what're YOU in for?" he asked sleepily.
"Oh, uh, no! They, uh, got you as well!" replied Obama.
"fancy meetin' you here, mr. president. i guess we're in kind of a pickle, huh?" said the skeleton. Obama chuckled meekly.
"I, uh, haven't eaten in days." He complained. Sans heard a muffled shriek from outside the room.
"You clod! Unhand me!"
"You are no longer of use to us. We'll keep you in there until you're ready to be harvested."
"that doesn't sound pleasant." said Sans. The door flung open, blinding the two captives. A thump was heard as someone was thrown into the room. Sans caught a glimpse of a tall figure in the doorway as it slammed shut.
"welcome to the club, stranger." he said.
"Augh! As if this couldn't get any worse!" said the voice.
"don't worry, i bet we'll be seeing the GATES of heaven in no time." replied the comic in a half-hearted attempt at masking his despair.
"What's heaven?" replied the voice.
"You aren't from, uh, around here, are you? What's, uh, your, uh, name?" asked Obama.
"I am Peridot."
"no way! how'd they catch you so quickly?" exclaimed Sans.
"Quickly? I've been trapped with these CLODS for months now!" replied the gem.
"hey, sarcasm aint funny. i saw you with the others just a few minutes ago."
"What!? That wasn't me! I've been here being abused while you guys were waltzin' around your stupid secret base!"
Peridot shouted before bursting into tears.
"My only hope was that some day you'd notice that I was gone!" she sobbed, "Now we're all gonna die!"
Obama sighed.
"She's, uh, right you know. They faked my, uh, death. Noone will ever find us." he mumbled.
"ugh..." Sans mumbled, hiding his pain. He could no longer think of any snappy comments to lighten the mood, so all he could do is sit there and wallow in his sorrow. The more he thought, the more hopeless he became. His pupils faded from his eye sockets as he admitted defeat.
"SANS! WHERE IS HE?" Papyrus shouted. The crew searched the blood-stained room feverishly.
"Damnit!" Shouted Silver. "I knew I shouldn't have let him stray from the group!" He dropped to his knees for a few moments.
"I need to go find him myself. You guys can go free Shadow." said the white guy.
"Hey! I'm not letting you go alone, buddy!" said Sonic as he approached the futuristic furry.
"Then I'll be coming with you." said Peridot. "If you die, at least I'd have a chance to save you."
"More like I'll have a chance to save YOU!" teased Sonic. Peridot grunted. "Huh, that one usually gets her goat." mumbled Sonic as he stumbled out of the door. The others stood in silence for a minute or so. Papyrus looked very concerned.
"I NEED TO GO FIND MY BROTHER!" he said. He began to make a run towards the doorway, but Silver froze him in place.
"No! I'm not about to lose another fighter!" he said, "You know you can't fight!"
"I USED TO BE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD! I CAN DO IT!" shouted the skeleton.
"No, you weren't!" shouted Undyne, throwing a spear to incapacitate him. Papyrus dodged it narrowly and sent out his own attack in the form of a slender, flying bone. He used his blue attack on Silver, causing him to stumble and lose focus, freeing Papyrus from the psychokinetic trap. The scarfed skeleton ran through hall after hall, never even thinking about where he was going.
"SANS!" he shouted, again and again. The hopelessness of the situation began to set in his mind. Papyrus stopped running. He found himself in a long, eerie hallway devoid of all sound. He used his light magic to produce a flashlight from his boney pecs. He didn't notice Undyne running up from behind him.
"NGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she shouted as she tackled Papyrus to the floor. "Snap out of it! You're going to die on your own! Sans would never want you to do this!" said the fish.
"NGH...NONSENSE! OF COURSE SANS WOULD WANT ME TO SAVE HIM! HE WANTS ME TO SAVE EVERYONE! I WON'T LET HIM DOWN! NOT AGAIN!" cried Papyrus, remembering the time he almost let Sans eat a defective Krabby Patty. Silver dashed in behind them, panting heavily."
"I...Understand...I loved him, too...But if we lose our heads now, we're all going to perish!" he said. Sonic and Peridot followed closely behind. Papyrus clasped his hands together, tears streaming down his boney features, and he prayed.
"O, GREAT MR. SKELTAL, SHOW ME THE PATH TO FREEDOM!" Papyrus held out his wrist and slit it with a pocket knife.
"Oh, will you just shut up already! There's no such thing as Mr. Skeltal, you nerd!" complained Undyne.
"Let him believe what he wants!" retorted Sonic. Suddenly, the hallway began to brighten. Sounds started echoing throughout the hall.
They almost sounded like...trumpets!
"HE'S HERE!" shouted Papyrus. Sure enough, at the end of the hall appeared a gigantic skull holding a shining, holy trumpet with its disembodied hand. Papyrus' face sparkled in the skele-god's cleansing light. Mr. Skeltal brought the trumpet up to its mouth and blew two notes.
"Doot, doot."
As quickly as he appeared, Mr. Skeltal went away.
"I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH GOOD CALCIUM!" exclaimed Papyrus, "WE CAN'T LOSE NOW!" He marched haughtily towards the door. The door opened,
splashing everyone with the light and sound of millions of machines.
"This must be where Gates is!" shouted Sonic.
"Not so fast, " shouted Peridot. She drew her blaster and aimed it at the crew.
"What the hell!?" Sonic shouted.
"I don't want to do this, Sonic, but I am under Bill Gates' control. If you do not leave now, I will be forced to take action." the "gem" said.
"YOU LITTLE BITCH-NUGGET!" screamed Undyne. Silver froze her before she did anything rash.
"What do you mean you're under Bill Gates' control?" Silver said.
"I'm not really Peridot." said Peridot. She touched the gem on her forehead, and smoke swallowed her shimmering form. It turns out that she was actually Blaze the Cat.
"What the...why?" Sonic whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. The transformation shocked Silver enough to lose focus and let go of Undyne.
Undyne leaped across the room and struck Blaze in the shoulder. The resulting blow triggered another cloud of smoke, revealing Blaze to actually be Hillary Clinton!
"Drats!" said the presidential nominee. Undyne gasped as Hillary hit her with a fire spell. Silver lifted Hillary into the air, but she broke his psychokinetic field with ease.
"Impossible!" Shouted Silver. Hillary ripped off her overcoat to reveal a metallic, black cyborg body.
"Nanomachines, boy!" she shouted. Hillary dashed across the room and punted Silver, sending him flying into the machine-filled harvest room.
"Who's next?" said she.
"Stop it!" Sonic said, grabbing Clinton by the arms. Hillary hesitated.
"Stay out of this!" She said, flinging him to the ground. Undyne snuck up behind her and stabbed her with a spear. Hillary coughed for a moment before pulling it out like it was a splinter. Her wound disappeared in seconds. She clobbered Undyne with the back of her hand, pushing the fish lady to the floor.
"UNDYNE!" Papyrus excreted. He raised his bony hands over his head and a cage of solid bone erected around the old woman.
"I KNOW IT'S VERY TEMPTING TO KEEP GOING DOWN THE PATH YOU ARE GOING, BUT I IMPLORE YOU TO RECONSIDER! DO NOT HURT US!" Papyrus negotiated, but Hillary had already broken through the cage. She stomped across the hall and grabbed Papyrus by the throat before he could react.
"N...YE...H..." choked the skeleton. Hillary assumed the expression of a father punishing his child. She began to sweat profusely.
"No!" shouted Sonic. He spin-dashed towards Hillary Clinton at 320mph. He collided with her cybernetic spine, cutting it about 3 inches deep. Hillary let go of Papyrus and growled.
"I told you to get OUT!" she screamed, but Sonic just glared at her.
"I thought I loved you...but it was all just a ruse!" Sonic threw one of Undyne's spears at Hillary. She let it bounce off of her muscular, hairy cyborg chest. "I can't stand to even look in your direction," cried Sonic, "you're worse than any Nazi I've ever encountered."
"Yes," nodded Hillary, eyes watering, "yes I am." She fell to her knees. Papyrus scrambled to his feet.
"WOWIE! YOU DID IT!" he cheered.
"I will die if I do not obey Bill Gates, but I cannot bring myself to hurt anymore." whimpered Hillary. She took out a watermelon seed and ate it.
"Goodbye, old friends." She concluded. Hillary Clinton laid on her back as a fully grown, ripe watermelon burst through her stomach. Blood sprayed onto Sonic's anguished expression. Hillary Clinton was dead, but is Peridot still alive? Suddenly, a man appeared in the doorway.
"My, my, what a mess you've made." said the suited man. His glasses shone brightly in the darkness of the chamber. It was Bill Gates, of course. Sonic screamed a scream of a thousand screaming screamers as he charged toward the multimillionaire mastermind. Bill Gates teleported behind him, causing Sonic to run into Papyrus, sending them both tumbling to the floor.
"I've been expecting you," said Bill. Papyrus used his blue attack, causing Bill Gates to stumble.
"There is no need for violence...yet...so cease your squandering and let me escort you to my chambers. I take it you might recognize some of its residents."
he negotiated. Sonic scrambled to his feet and prepared a spin dash. Sparks flew as the distant whirring sound filled the room, but Bill Gates did not feel like fighting.
He used the chaos emeralds to slow down time and drag Sonic, Papyrus, and Undyne to their new homes.
Sans sat in deep thought, tears staining his skeletonic features. Obama was meditating. Before he could even blink, four new people appeared out of nowhere. Sonic's momentum caused him to dash straight into the wall, knocking him out cold. The others were also very disoriented.
"Welcome, uh, to your, uh, doom." Obama jokes half-heartedly. Silver groaned and rubbed his head.
"THE BASTARD! I'LL RIP HIS HEAD OFF!" Undyne yelled. She took in her surroundings. It was nearly pitch black in the room.
"whelp, that's probably not happenin' any time soon. hey undyne." mumbled Sans.
"SANS? IS THAT YOU?" exclaimed Papyrus.
"papyrus!"
Sans got up and tried to embrace his brother, but tripped over Silver. Silver groaned and held his head in his hands. He didn't like failing the entire population of Earth, especially for the second time. His lower abdomen had a massive bruise. He laid back down on the floor in defeat.
"SANS! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED! PERIDOT IS ACTUALLY THAT MILLARY FLINTON WOMAN!"
"What!? No I'm not!" said the real Peridot.
"PERIDOT! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? I SAW YOU DIE!"
"That's bull honkey! I bet those clods made another Peridot to take my place..." Peridot's faced stretched into a manic grin. "Oh, who cares! We're all gonna die!"
she uttered, falling on her back.
"THERE IS NOT NEED TO WORRY, STRANGE ROCK CREATURE! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY WITH HIS (DIFFICULT) BROTHER, SANS!" said the skeleton.
"yeah. what was i so worried about, anyway? with all of us here, we should be able to do something." said the blue skeleton. A brief flash of light blinded the cast as a family-sized bag of Doritos was shoved into the room.
"Eat up, y'all. Three hours until you're harvested." said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Michael Jordan.
"Gee, thanks for the memo." groaned Silver.
"speakin' of memos, i bet those homestuck guys are still out there freeing prisoners." said Sans.
"Well they'd better hurry up!" eched Peridot.
Meanwhile, the other guys have fought their way to the end of the East wing of the castle. Shadow had a cell all to himself, with 32 different locks keeping it closed at all costs. The door itself was windowless, but judging by the how loud Shadow was screaming, it wasn't pleasant in there.
"HURRY UP! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!" commanded Karkat. Monsoon dashed over and began using magnetic force to undo each and every lock. Sundowner barged in and cut a hole in the door with his scissor blades. Monsoon looked pretty pissed off.
"Oh, what's that matter?" jeered the Invincible One, "didn't get to play with your TOYS?" Monsoon gave Sundowner a brisk slap across the face. Suddenly, an alarm sounded.
Red light flooded into the room and all of the computers turned on simultaneously. The gang hurried into the cell, which was actually really large. Shadow himself was bound in chains against the farthest wall. Said wall was painted hot pink and had rainbow stickers all over it. A wooden horse was placed near a pile of My Little Pony figurines. On the cieling was painted a gigantic sun with a smiley face on it. Dave burst out laughing.
"GOD DAMN IT! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" shouted the edgelord. "IT'S DRAINING ALL OF MY EMO POWERS!" Sundowner made quick work of the chains and soon they were on their way.
Suddenly, a blinding flash signified the entrance of Bill Gates.
"Good evening," he said. "What a wonderful coincidence. I was just about to harvest your allies. Stand still and I'll bring you to them."
"I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT, BILL GATES!" shouted Shadow, pointing a finger. Shadow froze time with Chaos Control and kicked Bill Gates in the crotch 57 times in succession. Then he took out his shank and stabbed Bill in the chest 666 times. When time unfroze, Bill Gates was nothing more than a bloody pulp.
"Jesus Christ! Take it easy, man!" exclaimed Dave Strider. Shadow threw up on the floor.
"Agh! I used up all my emo-power! Fuck! I'm gonna pass out..." said Shadow as he fell down. Nicholas Cage knelt down and felt his pulse.
"He's still alive. I think I need to take him to the edge-hospital." said Cage.
"ii'll come too. ii've done ab2olutely nothing of value 2o far." said Sollux. The two ran off carrying Shadow's limp, soggy biscuit of a body.
"ALRIGHT, FUCKBOYS. ANYONE KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND THE HARVEST ROOM?" shouted Karkat.
"Typical harvest rooms are located at the center of the building to allow for efficient transmission of elecrical energy to the rest of the facility." expounded Monsoon.
Sundowner gave him an odd look.
"YOU HEARD HIM. LET'S GET A MOVE ON BEFORE TEREZI GETS BORED AND DECIDES TO TRY AND EAT THE CORPSES." shouted Karkat. Terezi backed away from the boiling pile of sludge that used to be Bill Gates.
"WH4T? NO! 1'D N3V3R, 3V3R DO TH4T!" said Terezi, wiping blood from her lips. The ground began to shake violently as a giant, sweating green mass barrelled towards them.
"Fuck! It's Shrek!" shouted Dave as he rolled out of the way.
"PLAYTIME'S OGRE!" shouted Shrek as he braced himself for combat. Sundowner suddenly felt very, very old. Shrek hunched over into a ball and began to shit uncontrollably.
The force of the turd barrage sent him flying like a missile. He collided into Dave, sending them both crashing down. Terezi jumped onto them and began to gnaw on Shrek's ear, but he threw her off, letting Dave have a moment of rest before he decked Shrek in his jaw, dislocating it.
"Shraughinafugah! EEugh!" shouted the wounded Ogrelord. By now the shit he had left behind had began to smell like an ocean of corpses. The smell encouraged Terzi to throw herself up from the floor and throw her walking cane straight into Shrek's butthole, which was exposed as Shrek bent over to fight Dave. Dave narrowly missed the blow as Shrek howled in pain. His blood began pumping extraordinarily quickly. Shrek began to feel things he hadn't felt in a long, long time. Sundowner, sitting in the corner holding his nose, saw an opportunity to strike. He stood up, but Monsoon told him to sit back down.
"This is not our battle, brother. It's inevitable that our bodies will decay along with our minds, but we must enjoy the brighter sides of life that we never got to experience during out time at World Marshall. Haven't you ever wanted to start a family, Sundowner?"
"Shut the fuck up! I'm not your brother!" said Sundowner. "I didn't sign up for this mess to stand around doin' nothin'!" Sundowner charged at Shrek with his scissor blades poised in front of him. Shrek's turds were splattered beneath Sundowner's feet as the screaming filled the room. Shrek braced for a counter-attack, but he suddenly felt...reluctant.
What is this feeling, Shrek thought to himself. He remembered it well. Sundowner closed his blades around Shrek's bulky neck, increasing pressure so the blades slowy churned through the flesh. Shrek recovered from his revelation and snapped the scissor-blades in two with his bare hands. Sundowner was absolutely befuddled. Shrek grasped his neck, screaming in agony.
God damn, that'd hurt, wouldn't it? Shrek fell to his knees, gasping for air. Karkat frowned. Usually, the brainwashed masses fought tooth-and-nail until they were dead.
"WAIT A SECOND, GUYS! HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT!" he commanded. Dave got up and wiped the blood from his mouth and stared at the big green meanie and burst into crazed laughter at the sight of Terezi's cane and its inconvinient location. Shrek wondered what the boy was laughing about, but as he thought about his situation, the cane up his butt,
the shit all over the room, his hands and neck caked with blood, he remembered where he came from, and why he came here. He remembered that Bill Gates...was his enemy! Shrek began to weep at the thought of all that he'd done while brainwashed. Poor, poor Hitler. Shrek knew him well. Terezi, about to make another punch, reeled backwards in shock as she realized what she'd done. The crowd stared at the shivering Shrek and watched.
"I t-though there w-wasn't a cure...Oh god! I'm going to feel sick!" said Dave as he fell over. Sundowner didn't give as shit. He hated ogres, anyway. Terezi unsheathed her cane from Shrek, wiping it off with her handkerchief. She raised it over her head in triumph.
"1T'S T1M3 TO PLUG SOM3 BUTTHOL3S, BOYS!" she shouted.

END OF CHAPTER 4 TO BE CONTINUED!