Just Do What You Can

by Nederbird

With the overwhelming feeling of having failed at life, Takaki has retreated into his apartment and become somewhat of a recluse. Through a diary born of his many unsent mails, he reflects on his life and the choices he's made so far and tries to find a way back into a world where his life isn't pointless.

6. February 17th 2007

Febuary 17th 2007

Entrance exams are tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt this nervous before. This is nothing like my first entrance exam, nor is it anything like my job interview, I can actually feel how this one thing here might determine my future. I'm putting way too much pressure on myself, at least that's what Kanae has been telling me, and so has Akari for that matter. But really, what am I supposed to do? I've finally found some purpose in my life and this is my chance to actually make it come real That makes it rather hard to try and relax. All the more so because it's still snowing, so there's a chance my train's going to get delayed. Of all the times, tomorrow would be the one day in my life where I don't want a repeat of my Iwafune trip. Akari and her husband have been really nice in offering me a room in their apartment to spend the night, though I haven't decided yet whether to accept or decline. On one hand, I don't want to impose on them because of my selfish needs and Kanae doesn't seem too fond of the idea either, on the other, their place is in Yoyogi, which is exactly where my exams will be. Practically speaking, the decision isn't really that difficult... I think I'll take it. Better be selfish once and actually have things go right this time than be complacent and just have this opportunity slip between my fingers because I'm too tired or the train runs late. All my life has pretty much been me not doing things because... I don't even know why! What I do know is that I'm not going to let this be one of those times! I'm a changed person and I'll be damned if I'll let my chances be ruined due to mere complacency and excessive politeness.

Aside from that, Kanae and I have grown a lot closer in the past two months, or at least that's how I feel. I was quite surprised when she told me she used to have a crush on me in high school, I never noticed. Then again, I guess I never really paid much attention to anything back then, always being in my own world. She said it too, that I always seemed to look beyond her, at something far away. She's probably right about it too. I don't even have any strong memories of that period now that I think about it. Now, however, I feel we're closer than we've ever been before, and I'm much happier now than back then, or any time before this, for that matter. Like I don't only have my goals set on a career, but something besides that, which is quite fulfilling in it's own right. I feel as if it's filled out all that emptiness I had before, it's wonderful! I'm so glad I met her again!

She might get angry over me staying the night at Akari's though, but I'll find some way to make it up to her. It's not like there's going to any funny business over there. Akari's already married and her husband is going to be there too, so I don't really understand what she's fussing about. I'll also have to make it up to them for letting me stay the night. Her husband is apparently a rather well-to-do man, as expected of somebody who lives in Shibuya, so it might get a bit costly, but that's for later to worry about. Right now, I've got this exam to focus on!