Things Better Left Unvisited:

Exactly What It Sounds Like, Mates.

Rereading Marlfox and Taggerung has brought me enlightenment to an exciting new sport that the Redwallers and woodlanders seem to revel in playing all across Mossflower. Sollertree the hedgehog and Fwirl the squirrelmaid are professional athletes when it comes to this. What is this sport you ask?

It's kind of like bungee jumping. But with your brain.

They take part in the sport of extreme conclusion-jumping.

Guess what, kids? It has to do with MORE RACISM! Bet you're getting tired of the racism, eh? Well, too f***in' bad--it's literally INESCAPABLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

First Fwirl because I like her more than Sollertree the slave-keeping hedgehog giant (seriously, why is he keeping a frog like a pet? Frogs are sentient and sapient in the Redwallverse. Also, he keeps feeding Croikle grapes, which should have killed the little froggy a long time ago.). When Fwirl is telling the sappy story of her life to her future beloved (why does THIS keep happening?) she mentions how she was orphaned as a child. See if you can spot where she LEAPS COMPLETELY OVER THE CHASM OF ASSUMPTION:

*Because It Just Was*

"So, uh, how'd you get all orphan-y..?" Broggle asked stupidly and awkwardly, hoping his facefur would mostly hide his raging teenage ache (seriously, everybeast has smooth faces... even the teenagers.). Fwirl completely ignored how tearful that comment should have made her and burst into glib exposition.

"Oh, you know. Family lived out in the woods like thousands of others, peacefully or whatever," she waved a paw dismissively, "I was very little and didn't have the best of judgement, you know how four-seasoners are. We were doing something squirrely when my mom shoves me into this hollow log and tells me to be quiet. So, yeah, I couldn't see anything. So then I heard my family all getting shanked and stabbed and whatnot, y'know, dying screams, all that. Then I heard the foxes laughing--"

"Wait, wait a minute, foxes?" Broggle interrupted her. "How did you know they were foxes? You just said you couldn't see what was going on!"

"Well, I think I know the sound of foxes laughing apart from any other creatures laughing!" Fwirl claimed, "I know a 'heheheh' from a 'hahahah' and a 'harhar' from a 'heehee'!"

"But doesn't all laughing sound...pretty much the same?"

"Nope! Laughing sounds drastically different across the races! Just like in real life!" Fwirl winked at the camera as a warning disclaimer popped up:

"Brian Jacques is not responsible for any injuries, obstruction of justice charges or deaths resulting from filling out police reports on suspects based on the fact that they had an 'Asian laugh'."

Jesus wept, how in Hellgates can you tell a fox laughing from, say, a weasel laughing? They're both "vermin". Couldn't she have just claimed "vermin" killed her family like so many otherbeasts do? But even then that's a stretch. It could have easily been Gawtrybe squirrels laughing, or otters laughing, or hares laughing, or freakin' mice laughing.

Now to the giant pincushion. His is YET ANOTHER "MY FAMILY ALL GOT KILLED BY VERMIN" STORY, but his has a twist that catches him in the act of SEVERE CONCLUSION-JUMPING:

*Invisible Weasel Tracks*

"So, uh, how did you get all hermit-y?" Dannflor asked in a stupid way. Not the best way to begin a conversation.

"Oh, the usual. Family all killed by villainous vermin," the big doofus replied as he shoved a grape in Croikle's protesting mouth, "Couldn't catch 'em though. Th' rainstorm had washed out all of the tracks b'fore I came home, so--"

"Wait, wait, how did you know it was vermin then?" Song asked, looking perplexed. Sollertree grunted and shrugged.

"Uhhh... I dunno, I just figured it was vermin. Because it's always vermin." He winked cheerily at the camera as a warning disclaimer flashed by:

"Do not attempt to use this argument when reporting crimes to the police. Brian Jacques is not responsible for any injuries, obstruction of justice cases, or deaths that may ensue."

From all that conclusion-jumping they did they should have broken legs by now.

Yep. I'm still alive. More of these will follow, and suggestions are appreciated since I am running low on ideas myself. The turnout will be a bit slower, though, as I will be in college and will already have a LOT of writing to do.