This is the point where I apologize for such a long wait.I didn't mean for it to be that long since my last update but with all the studying etc etc etc I just didn't have the time. I hope it won't be long till my next ! I know that you may think I am keeping Regina away from Robin on purpose...well...I do but only because I have finally a somewhat clear image of where this is going and I need time for them to be apart...for now! okay, I am leaving you to it ;-) have fun!
Chapter 6
The smell of rain evaded her senses, a welcome distraction from thoughts of past events, events that seemed to take a permanent place in her mind lately. The sky had been cloudy, a cloak of the darkest shades of grey taking residency upon what used to be clear blue and she had wondered… Wondered if the weather, if those strong forces, could somehow sense her inner turmoil cause they seemed to so very accurately depict what she was feeling on the inside. Worry had settled in her soul, and a question about how the thief was fairing, since his current state was, obviously, once again, her fault. Oh the guilt… What a useless thing and yet one cannot escape once ones' soul is being held captive by its strong hold. Guilt and worry… gosh… Any attempt to reach a peaceful state was pointless for her mind was already preoccupied with thoughts of circumstances far beyond her control. At least that's what both Granny and Whale (I guess it would be just "Victor" for now) agreed upon, to her utter dismay, when it came to judging Robin's wounds. She had, at least, been allowed to do something about it but definitely not in the extent that she would have had she not been purposefully removed from Robin's sight, the excuse of her well being staining her heart a tad more…
How did she let things get that far? She shouldn't care that much… She really shouldn't. It didn't feel right, while her son was so far away (you see ,sometimes, it is not the space that causes all the pain, for a loss can be equally heartbreaking once what you knew and loved and cared for is long gone).
Somehow, moving on without him felt like the uttermost betrayal. Whom she'd betray and with what, though, was a totally different discussion for it was her own heart playing tricks at her and no one else. You see, she knew and pretty damn well, if she'd make a try for honesty, that Henry would have never ever expected nor wanted for her to stop living, moving on, starting anew, just because of his absence. But the thoughts of what he would have said had he been around made her dive even deeper in grief and self loathing and so she wondered if the only possibility of her to ever move on, truly and completely, would be for the memories of her son to be hidden from her immediate grasp somewhere deep inside the corners of her brain, in another type of vault, a spot she rarely visited cause it kept things lost and moments never to be relived again and that was a bitter weight to bare. How hurtful things that once filled you with joy can be when they are doomed to their grave? All the laughter, all the carefree minutes, all this overflowing happiness that made her feel like it was all worth it… how heart shattering can such dear things be? Once upon a time she was someone else, a someone else whose life was now hunting her present. It mattered not the life she once thought was hers. Actually, more than once. But that didn't matter either. There was a present and it soon would become past, an unrelenting, unforgiving, lonely past. Unless… God how she had dreaded these thoughts…That unless was what she was trying to avoid from the very beginning cause she knew that once she went down that path there was no escape, no return. Her heart had a mind of its own and Regina was well aware that, as much as one would try to force it into a different condition, whether by removal or hide, a heart could not forget. And that wretched organ was now beating not only for herself, pulsating blood in her body not just for her shake but for him too… She could still taste the remnants of her magic making contact with broken skin and bruised muscles. She could recall how, reviving him had caressed her with her own kind of renaissance. Again and again and again she wondered how is that even possible. How can two people, made from different elements, forged by a different kind of ingredients, create such a profound, heartrending connection even though one of them would lay unconscious…That she could not get over….Something had happened between them, much more than a kiss almost exchanged and heat willingly shared. She left a piece of her inside him or rather…he took it…stole it that damned thief and the thing is…it felt better in his hold … she felt better in his hold. And she missed him…
She hadn't dared exit her chambers, not ever since Robin was taken away from her to be tended by his Merry clan … Snow was there, had been there all along, worry casting its gloomy colors upon her features, making them look oh so heavy … Her eyes though, eyes that once shattered a Queen's dreams by a spill of a secret not hers to share, were now giving Regina a kind of comfort she wouldn't have thought was possible to be meant for her …and yet it was… Snow had taken it upon herself to fill the ailing Queen in everything that was happening between the secured walls of their castle, whether it was of importance or not and Regina, while seemingly annoyed ,could not have been more grateful , for the chitchat was a welcome distraction from her troubled mind. Still…learning about how Ruby made a mess in the kitchen and how Leroy, upon trying to clean the Great Hall from the autumn leaves the open windows had brought in,- a task he already found unfair and not so mildly expressed so - stepped on his fork and was now in bed rest while he bestowed his 6 brothers with a wonderful , rich , everlasting monologue of how his life was a series of horrible jokes, Regina was longing for a different kind of info.
Would it be too obvious to ask Snow? After all it was she who brought Robin in the castle in the first place. Besides, a Queen should care for her subjects, right? Nothing wrong with that…
Snow was still mumbling about how the rain had almost caused an overflow of the stables, demanding immediate intervention from all 6 of the remaining dwarfs as well as a couple of the strongest Merry Man (apparently some of them could show some restraint for the buffet ) by the lead of David and "Regina you can't imagine the state of the place ! The horses were in distress and th-" was all she managed to form for at that point Regina , in what seemed like a single breath, was asking "what of the thief?"
"The thief ?" Snow asked in honest puzzlement…Regina's lifted eyebrow and pointed stare apparently provided enough evident for the next second Snow was continuing "You know, he has a name, Regina!"
"That's beside the point. So…is he… alive?" She wished her words hadn't come out with the hitch they actually did, revealing emotions she tried so hard to suppress.
"Yes…yes he is…barely so when I last saw him but alive", came Snow's reply and she needn't ask for anything further cause the look of utter relief etched on her stepmother's face was enough to validate what she was already suspecting. Trying to stiff her growing smile was a hard task indeed. Never the less…"It was a very generous thing you did," she added after a moment of silence." Tending to his wounds with your magic I mean. You didn't have to do it…"
Christ…was Snow fishing for information? Cause Regina had just about it what with her limbs being still sore and her confinement in her chambers making it even harder for her mind not to dwell upon the look of a certain thief's face after his blue depths had made contact with her brown orbs.
"You can go now Snow. Go to your husband. Rest. Take a bath for Christ's sake! You are beginning to smell like forest . And I don't mean it in a complimentary manner…", Regina finished, resting back on the plush pillows adorning her bed.
Chastened, the princess' cheeks flashed a most profound shade of crimson, her eyes almost reaching her hair line, her mouth agape.
"Close your mouth dear, we are not a goldfish." was Regina's final admonishment for Snow almost jumped off her seat uttering through gritting teeth how she'd "like to see the day when that smell would be Regina's undoing" and with –what tried to be but failed miserably –a loud bang of the door she was gone… for now…, Regina thought before she drifted to sleep, for Snow would always come back. And with the edges of her lips rising in a barely distinctive smile, Regina fell asleep…
He hadn't even managed to take but some steps towards the grand staircase that he knew would bring him ,corridor after corridor and steep staircase after steep staircase, to the highest tower where the Queen's chambers stood ,when a high pitched cry of " daddyyyyyyyyy" forced him out of his before he even had the chance to turn his body towards where the sound seemed to come from he felt the full body weight of his very own five year old crashing on him, while small hands squeezed his legs with a ferocity and need he remembered not in the past.
Roland…
Gods he hadn't even realized how much he had missed looking at his son's dimples, dimples he had clearly inherited from him, and into these very familiar brown eyes …He had his mother's eyes and it was in moments like this that it would hit him like a freshly released arrow penetrating his heart, how much time it had been since Marian was gone and how much time his son breathed in this world without his mother by his side.
Thoughts like these weren't an everyday occurrence cause , indeed, as heartbreaking as Marian's passing had been, he had accepted it and he had tried, although not always as successfully, to form a new life for his son, his Merry Men and for him. And if ,some nights, when the wind would blow slowly , refreshing and cool, he'd feel as if it carried her voice, whispering words of love he had forgotten the taste of, well… he had accepted those as well for they were a reminder that she had actually been here, once upon a time, and even though their time together wasn't as long and lasting as he had once thought-imagined- it would be at least it was theirs, his , to keep safe in his heart for as long as he wished.
"Daddyyy?", Roland's wailing voice filled his ears once more and with that he was brought back to their shared present reality. His eyes finding his son's, his smile warm and full, he lifted his boy in his arms (easier than he had thought it would be what with his muscles being as unused as they were) and soon he felt soft curls underneath his chin and small hands folding together behind his neck, holding them impossibly attached.
"How's my little man?" he asked, for he was suddenly aware that without no conscious decision of his own, his son had nevertheless spent the last 4 days father-less, or at least with a father that was deeply unconscious and with that notion guilt made its way up his spine.
"Uncle John said you were sick" , came his reply, while tears started spilling from Roland's young eyes. "You were sleeping but he said I…I couldn't come…" but words were formed no more as his breathing became hatched and irregular, sniffing and sobbing making it difficult for his small lungs to breathe in and out while formulating words.
"Shhhh… it's okay. Roland, look at me. It's okay . Uncle John was right ,I was sick but I am sick no longer. See?" and with that he threw Roland in the air, grabbing him again, repeating the action for as long as his power allowed ,tickling him underneath his chin where he knew he son was most sensitive and that did it! Roland's sadness now forgotten, tears already drying upon his cheeks, he let a hearty little laughter that made Robin's heart swell with the kind of love only a parent can understand.
Moments like these made worth all the despair and all the heartbreak that destiny had brought his way. Moments like these made him fill with such tender ,raw and warm feelings, feelings that make a human think that that is what happiness tastes like, that nothing can go wrong. But ,of course, that was the furthest from the truth for ,already, too many things had gone to hell and that was something he could not dismiss…
People say "forgive and forget" but can we really? Is it ,really, as easy as it sounds , to allow all those moments that made breathing so difficult and the thought of the next moment so unbelievable to experience? He'd rather forgive but remember. Memories, those pieces of our past still lingering in our futures, make as who we are. For we are our past. And we are our future. All of it. The good and the bad. The warm and the cold. The joy and the sadness. The love and the loss. All of them carve our soul , and how can you share that soul with anyone else if you don't carry it with you as a whole? As what it truly is? And he wanted his soul to be shared. He was sure of that now, even though if you'd asked him not two months ago, he'd have replied with utter conviction that he was content with his life as it was. But now he wasn't that man. He was much more than that. He was the man he felt he was when Regina was near. When he'd feel her gaze even though he hadn't been looking. When they'd be so close to one another that the rest of the world seemed like it had disappeared. He wanted his soul to be shared. But just with her and her alone. Her past was daunting and fearsome to most and of that was indeed very much aware, but there was something about the way she'd carry herself, something about the look in her eyes and her crisp replies that had Robin thinking that the evil moniker was somewhat of an overstatement.
He wanted everything she'd allow him of her and all that he was willing to share with her as well. And he wanted to see her so very much…
For now though he had to settle, for there was a five year old little bear with his most favourite mop of hair and his most cherished little dimples that was in need of his father and in all honesty his father was in need of his boy as well.
With a swift turn he started walking towards the gardens, each step taking him further away from Regina but each thought bringing him that much closer. It was all about timing, he thought, and as that thought played in his mind he realized that indeed it was, and theirs was fast approaching.