Chapter 31

Tobias

During my three years in Dauntless I've never witnessed as much blood as I did today. It's almost like you would believe she drowned in her own blood pool, but no she didn't. Someone shot her, in the head, twice. I over heard a detective saying, "that they didn't catch her," so then it has to have been a woman who shot Jeanine, but who?

The courtroom doors open and the crime scene investigators walk out and two of them are pushing a bier. I find myself wanting to ask who's lying under the cover, but I already know the answer. Tris clamp my hand harder as they walk pass us and into the elevator.

We all stand quiet in an uneven circle, neither of us knowing what to say. I'm not surprised when Marcus clears his throat and breaks the painful but calm silence.

"I think we can all say this is not how we expected this would all end, but the smart thing for us to do now is to let Erudite mourn over their lost of their leader. This isn't the outcome we'd hoped for, but we'll just have to put it behind us. At least we know she won't be able to hurt anyone." Pretending to care about Erudite and everyone else is very Abnegation of him, but I don't buy it.

"We suggest you all go home," Natalie says, "and if we hear anything we'll make sure you all hear about it. And remember, no one can know about our mission. People can start pointing fingers if they found out we wanted her behind bars. Rumors travel fast."

I open the door but I don't close it behind me. I look around my apartment and it doesn't feel like something I do every single day. I guess you can say that I've gone through a lot of trauma in Dauntless, but this time it feels different. Like it changed me.

I saw something, in court. I wasn't sure at the time but now a few hours later I'm afraid that I might be right. I know I don't need to remind myself because I will never forget her face but I ignore that, walk over to my dresser and I pull out the only photo I have left of her. Her features are the same as they were in my head, and instead of sensing the warming ache I always do; I feel only pain and hatred. This can't be true; I won't let it be true. Without really thinking straight I rip the photo in two and toss it in the trash.

I grab my jacket and I start walking. I walk faster and faster, until I'm sprinting. I can hear the sirens from a distance and I sprint even faster. The train passes and I run alongside the last car, grabbing the handle and swinging myself in. I'm too breathless to sit down so I walk back and worth, while going through it all in my head. Maybe I did see her face; I just didn't want to believe it. I remember this boy from Erudite a couple of years ago telling me that your brain can erase certain sights if your heart doesn't wanna see them. At the time I had no clue of what he was talking about. Now that I've experienced it myself, I do. I take a few steps before jumping into the empty cool air. I look around me. The buildings are still the same as the last time I was here, worn and destroyed with shattered windows and broken down doors. It's hard to believe that once upon a time people lived here. Wives trying to keep an eye on their children while waving goodbye to their husbands who were heading of to work to provide for their families. When I was still in school I learned in faction history that women didn't work at all before. They always stayed home to look after the kids and cook dinner.

I continue down the road with the broken buildings until I reach the one I actually came here for. Last time I was here I talked myself into never coming back, but this is an extreme exception that I can't avoid. I take a deep breath before I force the steel door open. Inside I hear loud noises and laughter and when I enter the first dank room it's like they all lost their voices. Judging by their facial expressions they're probably wondering what I'm doing here.

A man walks towards me and takes my hand. "Tobias," he smiles. "I'm Jonah. It's great to finally meet you. She speaks about you a lot." I feel like I should be, but I'm not surprised by him knowing who I am. Ever since I was little I've heard I look exactly like her. "It's this way, follow me."

"How are you so sure I'm here to see her," I say as steady as I can.

"What else would bring you here?"

I hesitate for a few seconds, trying to analyze his words. A few months back she said I was welcomed here when I felt the need to leave Dauntless, but I never thought about her still holding on to that becoming real. I shrug and follow Jonah into the next room. Behind me I can hear the group of people with the questioning facial expressions starting to whisper. Continued glares and silence greet me as I walk deeper into the building, passing more dank rooms filled with people. "She's back here," Jonah says and beckons towards a dark hallway. "I think you can manage from here." He puts his hand on my shoulder, and it feels like a gesture made for comfort, then he leaves. I walk through the hallway and I reach a door. The letter E is carved into its metal surface and I don't knock, I just walk in.

She stands there behind a rusty old desk, buried in piles of different files and papers. For what, I wonder? She looks exactly like the woman from the photo I tore up, only now her face looks more worn. Even though I've tried, I could never forget her face. Too many feelings surface at the sight of her and I struggle with my words. "Evelyn," I say.

"You came," she says and walks around the table, surveying me.

"I want to know the truth." It's a stupid way to start a conversation, but this is a stupid situation. I swallow the bitter taste in my mouth and the urge to turn around and walk away again.

She smiles, but I don't believe it. "There are many truths between us Tobias, you're going to have to be more specific."

"You know which one I'm talking about. Was it you?"

Her smile faints, and she looks tired. "I did what I had to do to protect our city." A jolt of disappointment and anger rushes through me and I feel my veins throbbing. I had been so sure of it, most certain I was right, but it was still a part of me who wanted to be wrong. Hoping that my eyes had fooled me and that it was just all in my head. My mother was exposed to a lot of violence when she was still living with Marcus, but I never imagined her being violent towards others. Too hurt to say anything else, I try to hide my disappointment with a simple question, although nothing about this is simple.

"How did you even know about her plans?"

"I have my ways, but they're not relevant."

I shake my head. "Even though you think you did everyone a favor, you still committed a crime and if they find out it was you then…"

She cuts me off. "I don't care Tobias, and besides they won't. I made sure of that."

"How?"

She smiles again, but I still don't believe it. "How are things going in Dauntless? Are you still staying there?"

I know I should change the subject back but from the years I knew my mother, trying to argue with her about something she already had made up her mind about was hopeless. "Of course I'm still there. I'm not here for that. I came for the truth, and I got it so..."

"You just arrived. Do you not want to sit down and talk?"

I look at my mother. The woman who used to be my only ally and the woman who sat across from me at the dinner table hiding behind her forced smile. I try to feel something, something else than anger, but I can't. That part of me went missing when I found out that she had been alive the entire time and had chosen to leave me. "No, I don't."

See ya'll soon. Be brave! -s