Splatoon: The Bate Bros.

House Hunters

"Is she okay?" Splin asked Sharq, standing on the roof of their house, looking over the beacon.

Sharq walked over to the trapdoor, opened it, and peeked inside. Maria laid on her mattress, lying sideways, facing the television, which was turned off. Her bed was stained with tears, light green damp spots from tears practically drenching the sheets. Sharq took his head out from the trapdoor, frowning open mouthed, his teeth clenched. Turning to Splin, he inhaled sharply, shaking his head no.

Splin frowned on one side of his mouth, peering over at the beacon, which was still busted from the previous teleportation. "I still feel bad we couldn't get her back to her rightful dimension. She's been like that for a while now…"

"Mmm." Sharq hummed in agreement.

"Also, this sounds kinda harsh, but I think that we might need to find Maria a new home." Splin added.

"Wait, what?!" Sharq asked. "Dude, she's the best, she stared down Leo..."

"Leonidas!" He shouted from across dimensions somehow.

"...completely carried us in that challenge, and… She feels like a real mom!" Sharq said, his eyes sparkling bright.

Splin smiled, his eyes lighting up. "Sounds like you've really warmed up to her."

"She's the bomb!" Sharq exclaimed, raising his fists to the sky.

"She must feel all burned out, then, she must miss her kids terribly." Splin commented, looking down at the floor. "...Sharq, you're good at cheering people up, right?"

"Cheering you up, sure." Sharq said, patting him on the back. "Not too great with moms! Hey, you did help Aqua and Maria out before, how about-"

"Eh…" Splin rubbed the back of his neck. "Pretty sure I was lucky the last couple times, heat of the moment and what not… Besides, I think the problem isn't that she's lonely, per se."

Sharq lowered his top eyelids, furrowing his brow. "Then what is her problem?"

Splin turned to Sharq, leaning on the railing of the roof. "You're the one who's at least supposed to be nice, right?"

Sharq snorted, a large open mouthed grin on his face, his eyes closed, rubbing the back of his neck as he did so. "S-Sorry! Heh, I just meant uh… Well, just that, to be honest."

"We need to work on your wording, that's for sure." Splin said, pushing his headphones down on his head. "The thing is, Maria's been sulking in the house for a while now, after what happened back there. We need to get her out of the house, make her happy again, you know?"

Sharq huffed irritably. "Yeah sure, when Maria's feeling too cooped up now you want to go out and do fun stuff."

Splin sighed. "Sharq, don't argue with me now, Maria's clearly not getting better quickly. It falls to us to make us feel better. I figure if we get her into a new apartment or something, she'll have more of an opportunity to meet new people, try new things, you know. She can visit us at any time, too, if we find one that's close enough."

"But we hardly have any cash left, how are we gonna pay for apartments?" Sharq questioned.

"Turf War grinding." Splin told him.

Sharq groaned, looking up to the sky. "I still don't get it! Practically any Inkling who can hold a Splattershot can get into those Turf Wars and earn money for free. Don't get me wrong, it's fun and awesome and all-"

"Since when were you the brother who complained about logic?" Splin smirked, looking over at Sharq.

Sharq rose his hands to the air, hands clenched in fists, his eyes closed and eyebrows lowered in irritation. "That doesn't matter, let's help Maria!"

Splin smiled. "Now you know how I feel. Come on, let's go downstairs."

Sharq nodded, and the two of them dashed over to the trapdoor, jumping down through the flat door, landing harshly down at the bottom of the steps.

"Okay, it probably wasn't a good idea to do that…" Sharq groaned, rubbing his back.

Picking themselves up, they stood up and walked over to Maria, the television crackling quietly. Stopping by her cushioned mattress, they ducked down as squids, sliding over to her. Splin sighed, preparing himself for what once again could potentially backfire painfully. He looked over to the dresser, Ann-Gel standing on her pedestal silently nearby, Ann-Gel tilting her head towards Maria as to tell Splin he needs to cheer her up, Splin acknowledging her with a nod.

"...Hi." Splin waved using his right tentacle, Maria waving back, still facing away from them. Splin frowned, a mouthless frown in his squid form at least, reaching to comfort her carefully, but was stopped by Maria taking and squeezing his tentacle, pushing it away slightly.

Maria sighed. "I'm sorry guys, I just think I need to lie down for a while now."

"Maria, you've been lying down there for about a day now-" Maria tightened her grip on Splin's tentacle, hurting him slightly. Splin stifled a yelp, clenching his beak... teeth together. "I really think you need to get out of the house- AH!" Maria was practically squeezing Splin to death right now through his tentacle, Splin switching to humanoid form in an attempt to remove his hand, his eyes shut in pain, still gritting his teeth. "So, we thi-!" Splin didn't even finish his sentence this time, Maria nearly crushing Splin's hand. "S-Sharq, help!"

Sharq hopped over, reaching his tentacles into Maria's grip as to pry Splin's tentacles out, only to have his tentacles get crushed as well.

"Gah!"

"Sharq, why aren't you fighting back?!" Splin asked, struggling against Maria's death grip.

"That's because Maria was a stranger at the time! Now that we know her as a mother with practically god powers AND god kids… Oof! Would YOU want to mess with her?!" Sharq explained, struggling just as hard, switching to a humanoid.

Maria sat like that for a while, the brothers giving up soon after once they realized she wasn't releasing them anytime soon. Eventually, Maria's grip faltered, and she released the two, letting them fall on the floor, sighing deeply, tear stains dampening her Sailor Stripe Tee.

"..."

"Maria… Sorry, but I can't just let you stay like this. Look, I know what's it's like to lose family, trust me, Sharq and I have dealt with it before. You can stay at our house moping all day, or we can attempt to make you feel better. Even if we do make fools out of ourselves, hey, at least we tried, right?" Splin explained, hoisting her up somewhat. She yielded, allowing herself to be helped up.

"Splin, I feel like you should be the one who comforts people now, bro." Sharq smirked.

"What can I say? I've learned from the best." Splin grinned, reaching and rubbing Sharq's head, Sharq smiling. Splin cleared his throat, going back to Maria. "So… Maria…"

"...I'll make you a deal, Splin, Sharq." Maria said, wiping her face. "If you can find me a good home-"

"And meet nice new people!" Sharq exclaimed.

Splin turned his head to Sharq slowly, a classic look of disbelief on his face.

"What?" Sharq asked defensively.

Splin blinked, the look of disbelief switching to something more serious. "Sharq, she had to leave her husband and children behind in an alternate dimension possibly forever, literally just yesterday. Do you really think she's-"

"...I'm dead there." Maria said simply, shocking the two brothers. "I can remember a little more now… Damn you Octron. I... I don't think I can return to my rightful universe anymore... Um, anyways, straight to the point." Maria took a deep breath, "I'll make you a deal. If you can find a nice place to live… With nice people, of course…"

Sharq grinned at Splin, only eliciting a glare.

"I'll stop being such a sad old lady. However…" Maria leaned in closely, smiling. "If you can't find me a nice place to live, I'll stay here, and sulk however I want to, when I want to. Deal?"

Sharq tapped Splin using the back of his hand. "Bro, brother huddle."

The two switched into squid form, crawling behind the kitchen counter past a still dormant Salty and Tele-Cube on top, stopping once they were out of sight, facing each other.

"I dunno man. I really like Maria, but I doubt we'll be able to find a good place for her to live. Plus, I don't know, how are we gonna house and feed an Inkling woman much older than us-" Sharq started, but was cut off.

"Hey, she isn't old Sharq, she's actually pretty young looking." Splin said, freezing up afterwards after analyzing what he had just said.

Quiet giggling could be heard from the other side of the counter.

"Why thank you, Splin." Maria cooed.

"Uh…"

"I dunno bro, you gotta work on your flirting technique." Sharq grinned, earning him a light slug on the arm.

"Yes, besides, you could do with a much prettier and younger lady than me." Maria winked knowingly, Splin's face practically glowing red. "Hmm… Tai seems like a nice girl…"

Somewhere below Inkopolis in the Octarian base, a certain reckless Octoling laughed her butt off, confusing other personnel.

"Alright! It's a deal, l-let's just go outside, shall we? I agree to your terms, Maria." Splin asked.

"Sure, Mr. Flirt." The two other Inklings chuckled, much to Splin's discontent.

Splin ignored the jabs aimed at him, his face reverting to his tannish pigment rather than a cherry. He shook it off, walking over to his house doors and rushing outside, the two other Inklings following behind him. Once on the soft green terra outside, he switched to a squid, and Super Jumped away. Sharq and Maria blinked, watching him hurdle towards Inkopolis in the sky.

"Your brother seems to have forgotten us." Maria put acutely.

"Don't worry about it, he's just a little flustered." Sharq smiled. He switched to squid form, aiming at Inkopolis. "Oh! Wait a second, you can't Super Jump long distances, can you?"

Maria sighed, shaking her head. "No… I'm actually surprised you two can do that. Everyone else I've seen and remembered usually only makes it halfway."

"To be fair, most of the time Splin and I do that, we crash into something." Sharq told her. "It's pretty quick though!"

As if to prove his statement, Splin was seen shooting through the sky back towards the two, landing directly in front of them on the grass, barely cushioning his fall, though he managed to shake it off quickly.

"I can see even the Squid Beakon's Super Jump abilities have been snuffed." He groaned, switching back to humanoid form, dusting himself off. "Sorry about leaving you two behind, just PLEASE never do that again."

"Just teasing you~." Maria smiled, tapping Splin on the nose, causing him to recoil and turn away, his face slowly turning red again. "After all, even Tai's a little old for you."

"I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd say Tai herself put you up to this!" Splin sighed, getting more laughter out of the two. "I don't even think we need to bother with the house thing anymore, both of you seem content with messing with me!"

Maria stopped laughing, though an amused smile remained on her face. "Hee… I'm sorry Splin, heh. But a deal's a deal, I like your idea of going out to somewhere new."

"Okay… Well uh, let's go then." Splin switched to a squid.

"Maria can't Super Jump that far, remember?" Sharq said.

"...Hmm. Hey Maria, how far do you think you can Super Jump?" Splin asked.

Maria put on finger on her lips, her eyes looking up in thought. "About halfway."

"Great!" Splin said. "If that's the case, then as soon as you make it halfway, you can just Super Jump again at that point, propelling yourself far enough to reach the Inkopolis Plaza!"

"Sounds like a plan." Maria nodded.

"Alright let's-"

"Wait!" Sharq said, running back inside the house, where sounds of rummaging was heard soon after. Sharq ran back out, the classic Krak-On Roller with an odometer attached on his back, Splin's N-ZAP '85 in his hands, both with ink tanks dangling behind them.

Splin raised an eyebrow. "Ink weapons? Why?"

"I'm not making the same mistake twice!" Sharq told him, already strapping Splin's ink tank to his brother, giving him the N-ZAP. The ink tank seemed to vanish completely, leaving Splin with just the N-ZAP.

Splin sighed. "I'll never understand why they do that outside of Turf Wars. Sharq, we don't even need the ink tanks, we can just fire using some of our own ink."

"Not taking any chances, bro!" Sharq said, strapping himself in. "Maria, how about you? You need a weapon?"

Maria looked down at the palm of her hands, glimpses of energy flashing out of her hands. She turned back, shaking her head.

"No thank you." She said, clenching her fists.

"Oh, right."

The three, now completely prepared, all switched to squids, aiming away from the house towards the city. They jumped away, grass whisking from the sudden movement, the three falling towards Inkopolis. Maria dropped from the sky exceptionally quickly, her light green squid form landing safely besides a road leading to Inkopolis, immediately jumping back into the sky towards Inkopolis afterwards.

As always, Splin and Sharq's imprecise aim managed to land them in Inkopolis Plaza, though they hit the side of the Booyah Base, faceplanting against the glass window of Shrimp Kicks, sliding down slowly. The proprietor of Shrimp Kicks, Crusty Sean, a large Japanese tiger prawn with a purple cap and several pairs of shoes on the multiple legs he had, noticed the two, and ran outside with his new Purple Seahorses, (buy it today) and pried the two off the window using his claws.

"Thanks Crusty." Sharq mumbled, face down on the ground.

"Don't worry about it, squiddo, though you might wanna look before you leap next time!" Crusty Sean waved, going back into his store.

The two brothers stood up dizzily in humanoid form, shaking their heads to relieve some of the unsteadiness. Sharq pushed down his cap, Splin taking his headphones and wrapping them around his neck for the time being.

"Hey, where's Maria?" Sharq asked, looking around the plaza.

Maria landed in the middle of the plaza, shifting from squid form to humanoid as soon as she reached the ground, standing relatively undamaged and confident.

"There you go." Splin said, the two walking over to her.

"So, where do we get started?" Maria asked.

Splin smirked. "Well, I happen to know a few places…"

"Flounder Heights!" Splin announced, gesturing to a large apartment complex.

The trio of Inklings stood on top of a large building, one of many in fact, overlooking the popular Turf War spot Flounder Heights. A variety of tall buildings crowded the area, several doors and windows making up multiple apartment rooms, jellyfish and Inklings walking about. Some grass and trees sprouted out from the bottom, other than that the entire floor was comprised of roofs.

"This place is very eloquent, lots of rich and famous Inklings live here." Splin explained. "I think even the Squid Sisters might live here."

"'Rich and famous?' Splin, you realize we're not exactly the wealthiest Inklings in the world, right?" Maria asked.

"I'm aware…" Splin sighed, patting one of his pants pockets. "Though, I'm sure with enough playing in Turf Wars, we'd earn enough. The rent here could be lenient."

All of a sudden, a whistle sounded off, Inklings and jellyfish who heard it darted inside apartments and lobbies.

"Um, what does that mean?" Maria asked.

"Hmm…" Splin murmured, looking around.

Ahem.

"Oh yeah!" Sharq piped up. "I remember, today's when this place is used as a Turf War location!"

"Ah, forgot about that." Splin said, his eyes lighting up. "Shoot."

Soon after he said that, the three were nearly gunned down by squids, mistaking them for a threat.

"Go go go!" Splin shouted, dodging blobs of ink shot their way, the three jumping off of the rooftops. "...I really should've thought more about our escape methoooods!"

The three walked along the streets of Inkopolis, Maria wiping opposing ink off of them from the turf battlers. Splin sighed, looking around, when he spotted a familiar face ahead.

"Get down!" Splin shouted, ducking behind a mailbox, sticking to the side in squid form.

"Why?" The other two asked.

Splin peeked out from behind the mailbox, noticing a sulking Ari walking by, hands in his jacket. His squad of females were nowhere to be seen, Ari looking bored out of his mind as he trudged by.

"Ari's coming by, and I'm REALLY not in the mood for a ch- SHARQ!" Splin watched his brother go to greet Ari, running as well to keep him from speaking to him.

"Hey Ari!" Sharq shouted, Splin cringing as he shouted.

Ari stopped ahead on the sidewalk, looking over in their direction, tilting his Jungle Hat as if to nod. "Aha! So that's where you have been hiding! Well rivals, prepare for a chall-"

"Do you know any good places to live?" Sharq asked.

"Uh, what?" Ari asked in turn.

"Good places to live. We're trying to find a house for Maria here." Sharq pointed at Maria, who waved.

Ari stood silently, dumbfounded. He groaned, looking away at the ground, pointing in an opposite direction. "Try the Humboldt District."

"Err… You don't look too cheery today, Ari. Something happen?" Splin asked.

Ari scoffed. "Humph." The orange Inkling walked away, still sulking.

"Never seen him down before. Oh well, suppose the Humboldt District is our next stop."

The three walked across the street, walking through a small neighborhood with clean houses.

"This neighborhood seems nice." Maria admitted, inspecting all of the houses.

"Hey girl." An adult male Inkling greeted Maria, sitting outside on his porch.

"Oh no." Splin and Sharq instinctively took cover behind a lamppost.

Yeah that's gonna shelter you fine.

"Excuse me?" Maria turned to the adult Inkling.

The male Inkling she was rudely greeted by grinned, his eyes staring at places on Maria people who don't want to be punched shouldn't stare at.

"I was just looking at you, and I thought, 'Dang, there goes a woman with one shell of a…' well, how 'bout you come here and let me show you what I mean."

I've already got the coffin ready.

Maria smiled, nodding up at the sky. "Actually, how about you come here, I got something I wanna show you…"

The Inkling's eyes shot open, grinning like this would be the best day of his life.

"Splin, would you mind handing me your N-ZAP?" Maria whispered politely, discreetly reaching behind her back. Splin didn't argue, handing her his gun. "Pucker up."

The male Inkling did so. Instead of Maria's lips, he was met with an N-ZAP weapon pointed at his head. Maria held down the trigger, a large burst of ink knocking him out cold, while somehow blasting him back into his house, breaking the door down.

"Thank you Splin." Maria smiled, her eyes closed satisfied, giving the N-ZAP '85 a pat before handing it back to Splin. "I'm sorry, but I don't think this neighborhood is my cup of tea.

"...Right, well, m-moving on." Splin said, keeping himself from breaking into a sprint. "I'm just glad that never happened to me!"

"How do you do stuff like that?!" Sharq asked, awe gleaming in his eyes.

Maria smiled. "Training, I suppose."

"How about this place? Seems cozy." Sharq suggested.

"Mmm." Maria hummed.

The three stood in front of a beachfront home, almost entirely comprised of wood, similar to Splin and Sharq's home exterior.

"Well-"

The house crumbled into a pile of splinters and logs before anyone could do anything. How cheap.

"Oh."

"This town looks rather nice." Sharq said.

The three stood underneath the shadow of a large clock tower, standing in a plaza of sorts, empty wooden shop stalls built in the plaza. Hmm, maybe Splatoon took more creative liberties than I thought.

"Except for the moon, that thing looks creepy." Sharq said, looking up.

A large, gray moon with several craters stared down at them. Literally staring down, yellow eyes with green irises glaring at the earth, as if it wanted to crash into it and murder everyone in three days. ...Oh wait.

Maria exhaled nervously. "I uh… Moving on?"

"This place doesn't seem TOO bad." Sharq smiled, staring off into space blankly.

The three stood in an alleyway, surrounded by a bunch of young Inklings wearing biker gear, all of them looking rather angry.

"Sharq, this isn't even a house!" Splin yelled.

"You made the wrong decision the second you decided to step onto our turf!" One of the Inklings spat, but was promptly punched by Maria, sending the other bikers back due to fear.

Splin and Sharq stared at her, Maria sweating nervously.

"Sorry! Another instinct."

Splin and Sharq got their weapons ready, shooting and flinging ink at the angry bikers as Maria used hand to hand combat skills to dispatch any that got too close, retreating all the while.

At this point, an exhausted Splin, dead tired, flopped onto the ground, panting. From the entire process, Splin had multiple scratches from the rather painful encounter with bikers. Sharq stooped down by Splin with just as many scratches, Maria sitting by with hardly a scratch to be seen.

"I give up Sharq. I don't even know why I suggested it in the first place, Inkopolis is the hardest place to find housing!" Splin groaned. "Why did I even make a deal like that, it doesn't even make sense!"

"Splin, calm down man. Hey, what you did today, even if it was pretty much pointless, it was pretty fun. Trying to find Maria a home? Nice thinking." Sharq tried to reassure him.

"No, we have no idea how we'd even pay for her home!" Splin argued.

"I mean, yeah, we failed at finding her a new home. Look on the bright side though, Maria seems happy."

Splin looked up. Maria was smiling brightly, her tentacles swaying gently with a breeze. She looked at the sky, humming to herself, tiny sparks of energy firing off her hands.

"Yeah… I suppose." Splin stood up, walking over to Maria. "Alright Maria, I give up, sorry I couldn't find you a new home. Feel free to sulk at our house for a while..."

"Actually," Maria started. "I have one more spot in mind. Follow me."

Maria turned into a light green squid, and Super Jumped away. The two brothers, shrugging in confusion, followed her lead, jumping in her direction. When they landed besides her, she Super Jumped again. The two brothers followed her once more. The three continually jumped from place to place in Inkopolis, until Maria aimed differently, jumping away from Inkopolis, Splin and Sharq following.

The three landed by Splin and Sharq's house on the roof, luckily not damaging the fragile roof any further. Splin and Sharq were nearly out of breath, Maria breathing in and out slowly compared to their panting.

"...A-Alright Maria, we'll relax here, then we'll find the place you were talking about. Whoo…" Splin laid on the roof unmoving for a while, his squid tentacles sprawled out tiredly on the roof.

"This is it." Maria told them.

"Huh?" Splin and Sharq turned to Maria.

"I mean, if you don't mind." Maria said.

"Well…" Splin looked around. "...A deal's a deal, right?"

"Thank you." Maria smiled, opening the trapdoor leading downstairs, walking inside the house, turning on the television, where a broadcast of a performance was starting.

"Well, for the first time EVER! I present to you, Rem and Ix!"

More tears dropped from Maria's eyes. Sounds of two tired Inkling brothers falling on the floor could be heard upstairs afterwards.

Author's Thanks: Okay, now there are thirty chapters! Yay, I guess. It's a little late, but I gotta say, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Speaking of thanks, time to respond to reviews! Thanks Dread Angel for reviewing! Glad to hear you enjoyed my take on the "aftermath" of Splat X Dread. Thanks for reading everybody, this is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, if I don't answer back soon, assume I've been crushed by an angry crowd trying to find stuff on Black Friday. Stay safe!