Splatoon: The Bate Bros.
Ideal Idol Itinerary
"Whoo, that's it for this Splatfest, stay fresh everybody!" Callie announced to a cheering crowd from the top of a truck, or at least half of a crowd, one side grumbling and sulking in bad taste.
"We'll get them next time, team Nice, happy holidays!" Marie said with a wave, the previously sulking team members beginning to perk up.
After a Splatfest that occurred quite a while ago since this chapter was posted, the entirety of Inkopolis Plaza was once again tired out from the festivities. Red and green banners and Miiverse posts drawn on walls were gradually being removed from the area, fading away as if they were never there. The Squid Sisters lowered themselves from the trucks, leaping off into the crowd, striking a pose once they hit the ground, sending Inklings remaining into hysterical cheering.
"Callie, Marie, we love you!" A female Inkling yelled towards the popstar duo.
"Sign my [REDACTED]!" Another male Inkling screamed.
Judd quickly stowed away his sign with "[REDACTED]" written on it and scampered away, off to his pillow pillar, watching carefully.
Callie took a step back nervously, blushing somewhat. "Um…"
Marie did the same, her head tilting back. "Whoa there, she's not ready for that."
Callie swiveled her head to her cousin. "Oh come on, I'm old enough to drive, Marie!"
"Doesn't mean you're old enough to be good at it, Miss Sixtieth-Time-I've-Failed-My-Driver's-Test." Marie said with a mild snicker, eliciting a pout out of Callie.
Despite Marie's low burn, Callie edged closer to her, worried that the crowd was beginning to get too close. Marie bit her lip, looking for a possible way out of this. Luckily for them, they spotted two Inkling brothers popping out of a manhole drowsily, as if they were just woken up.
"Hmm..." Marie murmured with a grin.
Splin yawned, blinking his eyes slowly. With his eyes half closed, he surveyed the plaza, which seemed much more pitch black recently.
"Splin, wake up!" Sharq told his brother "gently", shaking him, Splin's eyes shooting open.
"Awake! Awa- I'm awake." Splin reassured his brother, rubbing his eyes. "What- what's happening?"
"Marie's walking towards us." Sharq pointed out.
"Oh okay." Splin said tiredly.
Marie reached for the two, pulling them up by the collar of their jackets, placing them on the floor standing up straight, facing the crowd. She lightly pushed them in front of her in Callie, the two standing like bodyguards.
"Protect us, bodyguards!" Marie declared dramatically.
Splin's eyes widened, or in this case widened to normal size given his tired condition, and he blinked rapidly.
"Um."
Sharq seemed to catch the hint right away, the older Inkling brother standing up straight, almost valiantly, greeting the crowd. "Alright people, back-up, it's been a long night, the Squid Sisters need their beauty sleep, am I right?" Sharq said, elbowing Splin.
"...Right, apologies folks, but we don't have much time for any...autographs or something Please understand."
"Yep! Sorry guys!" Sharq shooed the crowd away.
The crowd paused, glanced at the Squid Sisters, who waved, the crowd remaining silent. Suddenly, the crowd all began murmuring among themselves, then began dispersing, occasional cheers for the stars as the audience left the plaza. Sharq grinned, giving Splin a high five, Splin simply standing there unflinchingly.
"..." Splin sighed, shaking his head.
"Thanks guys, you really saved our skin there!" Callie exclaimed, shaking Sharq's hand.
"Skin?" Sharq asked.
"I've been spending a lot of time around gramps." Callie explained.
The two brothers nodded in understanding.
"Alright, well see you two later, Sharq and I are off to bed." Splin told the two, gesturing for Sharq to follow.
"Bye!" Sharq waved.
As per the norm, the brothers transformed into squids, leaped off into the fading light of the sky, heading towards the hills. The Squid Sisters waved them off slightly, when Callie began to yawn.
"I think I really do need my beauty sleep, Marie…" Callie said, drooping down on her cousin's shoulder.
"You and me both." Marie said, leaving. She paused for a moment, looking towards the sky, then walked off, her cousin slumped on her shoulder walking besides her. "Brace yourself for tomorrow, Cal, it's gonna be a doozy...unless..."
Splin was waken up by a simple knocking on his door for once. No alarm clock screeching, no one crashing through the house, just plain, simple, knocking. Splin smiled, believing that this would be a simple day. Getting out of his bed, he picked up his headphones from the dresser nearby, wearing them on his neck, and strolled out towards the door, minding Maria in her mattress. Carefully, he removed his parka, opting for his Black Anchor Tee instead.
"...I really need to buy some sort of bed frame for her. I need to stop forgetting that." Splin commented, looking down at the older woman sleeping peacefully, snoring.
Splin walked up to the door, opening it casually. It would be a lie to say he wasn't prepared for what greeted him, but that isn't to say he was entirely pleased about it.
"Hi Agent B!" Callie piped up, garbed in her Agent 1 disguise. She took her dark sunglasses off and winked at the brother.
"Oh. Hi Callie...oh." Splin said, realization slowly creeping in. "...Hi Callie."
"You don't mind if we come in, do you?" She asked, smiling innocently.
"...Sure." Splin said, leaning on the door, opening it.
"Marie! He said 'yes'!" Callie called out.
"How the heck does everyone manage to track us to our house?!" Splin thought nervously.
A disgruntled Marie walked out from behind the house, waving with her eyes half shut. Callie practically yanked her cousin inside, immediately taking a seat at the kitchen counter. As bewildered as he was, Splin closed the doors, and walked over to the counter, Callie and Marie staring at him rather awkwardly. After a very brief silence, Splin was about to speak, until Callie interrupted him.
"So, what do you have to eat?" She asked.
"Callie, focus. Remember the thing we asked them to help us with?" Marie said, nodding her head towards the other Inkling.
"Huh? Oh, right! Hey Splin, do you and Sharq mind being our bodyguards for the day?" Callie asked.
"Would we?!" Sharq suddenly chimed in, awake and standing by Splin.
"Uh oh. Uh, voice, quick, do something!" Splin said.
Oh, okay.
Author's Newt: And that was The Bate Brothers, sorry guys for ending it so abruptly, see you next time if I ever decide to make another story!
...Just kidding, we're not going into hiatus.
Not yet, at least.
Welp, sorry Splin, I tried.
Splin blinked, hand on his chin, an annoyed expression on his face. "Oh, yeah, thanks anyways, you tried your best." He said sarcastically.
Sharq glanced over at Splin. "Splin, shush, Cal- Agent 1-"
"For simplicity sakes, you can call us by our real names in private." Marie stated.
"Oh, alright! What were you saying about us being bodyguards?" Sharq asked.
"Well, we hope you don't mind…but the thing is, the more we socialize with our fans, as much as we love them all, they can get a little too...personal." Marie said.
"Yesterday someone drew some fanart of us!" Callie stated with a huff.
"That doesn't sound too terrible." Splin said with a rub of his chin.
"It involved us and female Octarians in some… Poses." Callie spoke up and twiddled her fingers nervously. "How did they even figure out what Octolings look like?!"
"Like, the 'Stay Fresh' pose? That's awesome!" Sharq asked with a grin.
An awkward silence followed. The Squid Sisters glanced at each other and gulped.
"Not...exactly." Marie said and inhaled sharply through her teeth.
"Sharq." Splin said, Sharq moving closer.
Splin whispered in Sharq's ear, Sharq nodding with a smile on his face. Splin then leaned away, leaving Sharq to compute all that information. Sharq's smile diminished somewhat.
"Ohhhh...that type of pose. Well, isn't it still mostly harmless?" Sharq asked with an eyebrow arched.
"Mostly, but they also try to enter onstage and get close to us." Marie stated, shivering somewhat. "Creepy."
"And dig into our trash…" Callie added.
"Have we brought up the swimsuit fiasco?" Marie wondered aloud. "We told them not to look up the pics."
"Apologies for interrupting, but why don't you just hire security guards? We aren't professionals at anything security related." Splin explained.
"Exactly! What we want you guys to do is blend in with the crowd, they'd never expect two kids protecting us from the crowd!" Callie stated with pride. "Plus, we saw some of your escapades, fighting a giant robot? Amazing!"
"Technically the Skell whooped our tentacles." Splin added. "Plus, without...the help of two others, we probably wouldn't be here right now."
"Regardless, you show a lot of promise." Marie said. "Most of the bodyguards we hire are more interested in slacking off or peeping on us, why so many people in this world insist on flirting is beyond me. We know we can trust you two, right?"
Sharq nodded, smiling proudly. "Of course! You can count on the Bate Bros. to always have your back!"
"Perfect! Thanks you guys!" Callie said. "We'll have you meet at the studio, thanks again!"
Marie nodded. "Alright Callie, let's go. We still have to do the stage rotation broadcasts."
"Alright. See you two in two hours!" Callie said.
"Wait, two hours?" Splin questioned in surprise. "Uh, actually, can we talk about-"
Splin spoke up too late, the Squid Sisters had already left the house in a trail of dust. The brothers could distinctly hear a "Stay Fresh!" echo through the air as the dust settled back onto the floor. Splin sighed, looking over at Sharq.
"Sharq, come on, another adventure? I've had enough of all of this for a week." Splin groaned and emphasized it with a well timed yawn.
"We're just keeping an eye out for the Squid Sisters! There aren't going to be giant robots or guests from other dimensions, except Maria if she decides to tag along." Sharq said, looking over at Maria. "We need to buy her a bed of her own..."
"I know, right? But that's besides the point, I think we should slow down and stop getting into these things, these are the two freshest stars of Inkopolis we're talking about, Sharq." Splin told him.
"Yeah." Sharq nodded.
"...Of course you wouldn't mind the consequences. I'm just going to assume that if I try to talk you out of it, you'll do it anyways, right?"
Sharq paused, then nodded guiltily.
"Alright. What are we doing, how are we going to protect two pop stars from fan harassment?" Splin asked.
"First, we bring some weapons!" Sharq said with a smile.
"Ooooookay, and we're off." Splin said, pulling Sharq out of the house before he got a chance to get a single Splattershot, probably for the better.
Splin and Sharq landed in the plaza, landing safely in the middle of the asphalt below. No I'm serious, the two blue squids just landed, hardly a scratch, in the middle of the plaza, unharmed. You two are seriously getting the hang of that, good work.
"Thanks." Splin said, dusting himself off.
"No more fall damage for us! Maybe we could be superheroes with this power?" Sharq said.
"Honestly, that would only work in the most specific situations, I'm pretty sure even if we made a safe landing trying to apprehend someone, wouldn't we get wrecked trying to fight him as normal Inklings? What type of person would use the ability to jump high without getting hurt from a landing to their advantage?" Splin asked.
(I'd probably add a Super Mario Maker course with an Inkling costume here as a bad joke, but that'd be shallow of me. Also probably against the rules.)
"Um?" Splin shook his head after that nonexistent platforming adventure. "O-Okay, moving on, let's head to the studio, we've kept them waiting long enough."
The brothers made their way through the plaza towards the Squid Sisters' studio, minding melting ice. They walked around, finding an entrance behind the building, entering the studio building, greeted by a reception desk. A cheery looking female Inkling with tentacles apparently cut short and a clean black uniform with a red bow tie and white shirt, holding her hands together calmly on top of a desk counter built into a wall. Above her, mounted on the wall, a shiny medal gleamed next to a clean round clock that ticked off the seconds.
As the two brothers approached, she greeted them with a beaming expression. "Hello! Welcome to the Squid Sisters' Studio!" The Inkling greeted the two and waved, a white glove neatly attached to her hand.
"Hi!" Sharq told her back.
"We've been told we need to meet the Squid Sisters by the studio." Splin explained quickly and smiled, though he glanced around furtively as if he expected to be japed by some sort of prank.
"Is that so? One second!" The female ducked under the counter with a grin.
Splin arched an eyebrow and Sharq just continued to smile absentmindedly. The clock continued to tick and many rustle sounds emanated from behind the counter. Then came back with a Splatterscope aimed at the two. The gun's barrel pointed at Sharq's still happy nose from across the desk. She glared at them through her sniper rifle much to Splin's nervousness.
"Alright, move along before anyone gets hurt." She growled in a less than customer satisfactory voice.
"Whoa, hold on!" Sharq protested.
"Calm down Lalai, they're with us." A voice called from above.
Splin and Sharq turned to a set of stairs, where Callie and Marie themselves were standing in their pink and green pop star glory. Lalai lowered her Splatterscope, tossing it to the side.
"Oh! Sorry about that!" She apologized quickly and hid the gun behind her back poorly, the barrel still pointed up towards the ceiling behind her as she grinned, "Itchy trigger finger, runs in the family."
"Note taken." Splin said as a bead of sweat dripped down his face.
"Glad you guys could make it! I see you've become acquainted with Lalai here." Callie said.
Lalai waved with her Splatterscope, much to the discomfort of Splin.
"Ready for your assignment?"
"Assignment? I dunno about agent work, but I'm ready!" Sharq said.
Marie grinned. "Nah, it's fine, nothing too serious like taking Zapfish. What we need you two to do is simple. All we want you to do is help protect us from any fans who might get too close for comfort. That's manageable, right?"
"Sure, that sounds reasonable." Splin nodded.
"Great! We need you to start, right now!" Callie declared, all four of them excluding Lalai, who waved as they left, somehow were now standing at a stage, the pop stars already onstage, in a stadium ready to perform, as I am a lazy turtle who can't write transitions.
"Uh huh, nice pacing voice." Splin commented sarcastically.
Sorry, but we have a limited budget for transitions.
"Since when?" Splin asked.
Since… You know what, you go visit another story if you think this one is so bad, gawd. So UNPROFESSIONAL.
Sharq snickered. "Yeah Splin, why are you being so rude?"
"I- What?" Splin muttered
Anyways, back to the topic at hand, Splin and Sharq stood, barely noticeable, inside an ocean of squids, jellyfish, and other assorted sea creatures alike, facing the Squid Sisters onstage. They sat underneath a large closed dome, dimly lit with several pink and green spotlights that dashed among the ceiling. Splin, ignoring the overused fourth wall gag began surveying the crowd, squinting his eyes.
"I don't see why they were so insistent on hiring security, this place seems pretty chill."
"Callie, I love you~!" A female voice cried out.
"Callie? Ha, Marie is LEAGUES above her on the waifu chart." Someone else said.
"Your waifu is ship! SHIP." A jellyfish said, standing proud. At least, he said so in his own gelatinous language, which only infuriated half of the other jellyfish among them, others seeming rather pleased or confused.
Most of the Inklings did not understand the jellyfish's language, but began to rustle in their seats regardless. Callie and Marie onstage cringed at the arguing, fists and tentacles were starting to be raised. Marie stared at the brothers, tilting her head in a gesture towards the fighting audience hopefully. Splin nodded, and made a cautious step towards the crowd.
"Calm down, this isn't something to fight over!" Splin said, attempting to calm them down.
Splin was yanked in by his tentacles on his head, sounds of vicious attacks coming from the crowd. Splin escaped with two tentacles on his head that looked as if they were bitten into, with chunks missing.
"Ow." Splin frowned, feeling at the back of his head.
"How are we going to stop this madness?!" Sharq asked.
Splin stared at the crowd, then glanced at the Squid Sisters. An idea quickly formed in his head, Splin walking onstage as the Inklings fought. He went over to Marie and whispered in her ear, the Squid Sister clearly intrigued. Marie grinned, then repeated the discreetly explained plan to her cousin, who nodded in understanding.
"Eek! Someone leaked the time we modeled swimwear at Mahi Mahi Resort!" Callie screamed with a falsetto voice that might have tricked a toddler over the microphone.
The crowd's eyes went wide. A few of them even glowed with blushes in their respective colors. Instantly, nearly all of them began dispersing and leaving the stadium in a rush. A few of the stragglers continued to glance at the stage as if they hoped that a performance was still on, but were immediately shooed away by waves of the pop stars. The remnants of the audience left reluctantly, and then the audience was empty.
"Wow, did that actually work?" Marie said with an agape mouth.
The spotlights ceased suddenly and the stadium's roof opened. Sunlight streamed in instantly; the four Inklings had to cover their eyes as light flooded in. They blinked and adjusted themselves quickly.
"Our fans are so weird." Callie said with a giggle. She turned to Splin and Sharq and inhaled sharply once she saw the chunks of tentacle missing from Splin's head. "Ah…"
"What?" Splin asked, reaching for his head.
"N-Nothing! Uh, thanks for trying Splin, Sharq, shame it went really bad. But, to make it up to you, we have a reward!" Callie said.
"Really? Aww, you shouldn't have!" Sharq said.
"But we did. Hold on one moment." Marie said, going backstage for a moment.
A moment later, Marie came back dragging a large sack overflowing with golden coins. Splin's eyes practically shot out of his head, while Sharq's glowed with happiness.
"Hey Team Fit, a little help here?" Marie said with a grunt.
"Oh! Sorry." Callie said, helping Marie drag the sack of loot towards the brothers. "Consider it our thanks from us to you!"
"Thank you so much." Splin said with a light smile. "...I can't believe we're getting paid for this."
"DUDE." Sharq said with a huge grin. "That's great!"
"Thank you for making this the least painful and least difficult concert ever. We're off to the studio, see you guys later. Pretty sure we have a Turf War to commentate. Thanks again!" Callie said.
"It's gonna be a pain explaining to the press why we skipped on our concert, though." Marie sighed.
"What are you talking about, Marie? We ARE the press!" Callie said with a grin, Marie rolling her eyes.
The Squid Sisters performed their signature, "Stay Fresh" pose, dangling their hands and fingers on one leg, then walked off.
Splin stared down at the money. "We can't possibly carry all of this back."
"Who said we were going to carry all of THIS back?" Sharq said with a smirk much to Splin's interest.
Maria woke up with a start, sweat dripping down her face and tentacles. She stared down at her body, gasping for breath. She threw the sheets off her bed, then breathed a sigh of relief at the sight, a normal, healthy Inkling female body. She started to tear up somewhat, until she heard a knocking at the door of the Bate household, alerting her. Looking around, she noticed that Splin and Sharq weren't anywhere in the house, the only things around being Salty the snail and the Tele-Cube "sleeping" peacefully, the alarm clock ticking away seconds rather grumpily for an alarm clock, and Ann-Gel's statuette eyes closed, little snoring noises coming from the amiibo. Maria stood up off her mattress, inching towards the door, then opened it, fist raised and breath slow.
Splin and Sharq fell inside, a large bed frame decorated with sheets and pillows following after them.
"Erm… Merry late Squidmas?" Splin said, gesturing to the bed frame.
Maria smiled, and hugged the two boys. After a short hug, she released them from her iron grip, the looked at the bed, which was lodged halfway through.
"This is for me?" Maria asked.
"Uh huh! Just as soon as we get it through the door…" Sharq explained.
Maria walked up to the bed, then pulled it through with but a minute's effort, the bed now resting in the house irregularly placed in the middle next to a television and a dusty couch. Maria seemed happy nonetheless.
"Thank you…" Maria said, hopping up on the bed, settling in with a content sigh as she stretched her limbs across the gloriously soft mattress.
Splin and Sharq smiled, then they did the same, hopping up on their own separate beds, relaxing, no longer having to deal with any silly pop star drama, and sighed as well. They leaned back and waited for the next day to come.
Super Cereal AN: Okay, actual author's note, here we go. Remember that hiatus I was talking about? Well, right now, I have no plans for a hiatus, but it could happen. The reason being is that recently I've realized that right now my writing skills are pretty average. I don't want to play my saxophone TF2 taunt, but I gotta say I don't think I'm half bad. Doesn't mean I'm good either. If a hiatus DOES roll around, I'll be sure to post fresher stories or even a sequel/prequel to this "story" if you can even call it that anymore, while improving my own skills. In the meantime, feel free to play video games or read other stories on this site. I hate to promote or demote anyone, but I recommend checking out some of the other Shared Universe stories if you haven't already while I'm absorbed in my own, lazy world.
Aside from that rather lengthy note, how 'bout some reviews? I've done some digging around, and I have a theory that the new review catastrophe going around where no one can see reviews anymore is because of the new year, something went down with the reviews or something after the end of the December as I've noticed. Oh well. Thanks Ultrapyre for reviewing! Yes indeed Ultrapyre, if this story is coming to a close, I will have to brainstorm an ending, no? Good luck on your "One Missed Call" Splatoon story by the way!
Thanks again for reading everybody, this is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, off to play Pikmin 2 like the old times. See ya!