39. Coping

Life did go on, of course, but that didn't mean it became any easier. Fawn and Xalo, who had simply been sad in the beginning, were now starting to get angry.

"I hate him," Fawn declared one day over dinner, when the topic of Fiyero had come up. "He said he'd be there for us, we thought he was going to be our new father, and then he just left. He hurt Mum and he's stupid and I never want to see him again."

"Fawn!" Elphaba said in mild shock, but the little green girl just leaned back in her set and crossed her arms without saying anything.

"Princess," Oscar said gently, but Fawn shook her head wildly.

"Don't call me that! He called me that, too, when Mum was in the hospital, and then he left!"

Elphaba rose to her feet and moved around the table, crouching down in front of her daughter's chair.

"Listen to me, sweetie," she said, looking into Fawn's emerald green eyes. "Sometimes, something just happens that makes a person need to leave. Not everything always has a happy ending. I understand that you're mad at Fiyero for leaving the way he did. I am, too," she admitted. "But he promised to protect us and keep us safe, he kept that promise, and then it was time for him to move on."

"But he said he loved you!" Xalo piped up from behind her. "Then why would he leave?"

Elphaba sighed. "That's complicated, my little monkeys," she muttered. "He just did. He felt like he had to."

"But why?" Fawn pressed and Elphaba didn't really have an answer to that.

"I want him back," said Xalo, staring down at his plate. "Fawn is right – he's stupid and I hate him, too, for going away and for hurting you, Mum, but I still want him to come back."

"Me, too," Fawn admitted quietly and Elphaba hugged them both.

"I know, my darlings," she murmured. "I know. I do, too."

Nessa's stay had helped a lot, but she'd gone home after staying for well over a week and since Elphaba was quite busy with work, she couldn't really keep the twins occupied the way her sister had. Galinda and Cohvu were wonderful, though, and so was Oscar. She was confident they would be fine. She wasn't so sure, however, about herself.

And so, without telling anyone, she started asking around for Fiyero's whereabouts. He didn't have any friends that she knew of, so she tried the Internet, even the police station and her own guards, since he'd worked so closely with them; but no-one had an address from after he'd left the Palace and he never picked up his phone. Eventually, she hired a private detective to track down the bodyguard. She was done with this. She wasn't going to let him get away with this so easily.

In the meantime, she helped Galinda plan her and Cohvu's wedding – much sooner now than originally anticipated, because the blonde had suddenly decided that she wanted to get married whilst still pregnant. Despite her usual vanity and longing for perfection, Galinda had really blossomed since she'd fallen pregnant and she was incredibly proud of her baby bump, wanting to show it off for everyone to see on the most important day of her life. Elphaba only applauded that decision and used every means she had access to to make Galinda's day as perfect as possible. Her wedding would be in September, when she was about thirty weeks pregnant, so there was a lot of work to do in the upcoming weeks. Elphaba was grateful for it.

Sometimes she wondered if she was being stupid, trying to find Fiyero. Sometimes she thought she should just leave him be and learn to live without him. Oz knew she wasn't at all convinced he did love her as much as he said, and that he'd left for the reasons he'd given her; but Oscar and Galinda kept telling her it was obvious how in love with her Fiyero had been and how much he'd doted on the twins, and that he was just insecure. She wasn't usually one to take a chance, but in this case, she couldn't let him go without a fight if the only thing holding him back was his own uncertainty and low self-esteem. She'd never forgive herself if she did that. She at least had to try.

And so she continued to track him down, meanwhile spending time with the twins and a lot of time with pregnant Galinda and Cohvu, trying to keep the pink in their wedding to a bare minimum and to convince her best friend that feeding white doves glitter so they'd poop sparkles really wasn't a good idea – that, in fact, she should probably forego the white doves altogether.

"But Elphie," Galinda whined, "white doves are part of a tradition!"

"White doves will also most probably die after you set them free," Elphaba retorted. "I didn't spend years battling Animal – and animal – cruelty as the deputy mayor only to have my best friend murder a bunch of doves just because she wants a tradition at her wedding. Either pick a different tradition or pick a different maid of honour."

Galinda sulked, but she saw her friend's point and so she relented. "Can I still arrive in a carriage pulled by white horses, though?"

"As long as you make sure the horses are well cared for," Elphaba said and the blonde nodded enthusiastically and scribbled something onto her list.

The colour scheme, of course, was pink; but for Cohvu's sake, Elphaba forbade her best friend from inserting too much of it into the ceremony.

"If the bridesmaids' dresses, the cake, half of the balloons and decorations, and most of the flowers are pink, you don't need any more pink at your wedding," she told Galinda firmly. "Forget about the pink carriage or pink plates and glasses, Glin. Unless your goal is to turn Cohvu's sexual orientation around, I'd suggest you stop right there."

Galinda giggled. "And then he'd leave me at the altar to go make out with Gazilon instead."

Elphaba laughed at that, too, but quickly sobered, and Galinda gave her a sad smile.

"It's been a while since I saw you laugh," she said softly. "I really hate seeing you so sad all the time, Elphie."

Elphaba heaved a sigh. "I know, Glin, and I'm sorry. I don't mean to be such a downer –"

"That's not what I meant, Elphaba." Galinda shifted a little to lay her hand on Elphaba's arm. "It's just… are you okay? Are you feeling any better than before?"

Elphaba shrugged listlessly. "Some days are better than others, but I can't go more than a minute without thinking about him," she admitted. "I hate seeing the twins still so upset and I just… miss him. So much. Much more than I thought I would." She looked down. "Honestly, Glin, if he doesn't come back, I don't think I'll ever allow myself to fall in love again," she confessed. "It never ends well for me, anyway. It only hurts."

"Oh, Elphie…" Galinda hugged her friend, but there was nothing more she could do.

And then, a few days later, over a month after he had left, Elphaba got a call from the private detective she'd hired. He'd found Fiyero's address, an apartment in the Vinkus.

She tried not to let her enthusiasm show and she didn't tell anyone. Instead, she calmly finished her work for the day and then asked Galinda to cancel her appointments for the next day, because she had an important visit to make in the Vinkus that really couldn't wait. The blonde PA didn't even question Elphaba; she occasionally had had to leave for an impromptu meeting in a different part of Oz before, so it wasn't that strange.

The next day, however, the green woman got into her own car and drove to the Vinkus, determined to get answers one way or another.

She almost turned around a few times. Almost. Because what if he didn't want to see her? What if he slammed the door in her face or turned her away? What if she did get to talk to him and he'd confess that the real reason he'd left was because he'd simply gotten tired of her?

She pushed through, however, and dusk was setting in by the time she arrived at the apartment where Fiyero was supposedly staying.

It felt like she was starring in a bad romance movie as she got out of the car and walked up to the building. There were no names beside the doorbells to the different apartment, so she just rang them all until someone buzzed her in not much later. She took a deep breath, pushed open the door, and went into the building, taking the stairs up to the first floor and knocking on the first door she saw.

After four doors (opened by an elderly lady with a cat, two young men with cigarettes in the corners of their mouths and beers in their hands, an exhausted-looking woman with a baby in her arms and three more kids clinging to her legs, and a grumpy old man, respectively), the fifth door was opened by a woman who knew Fiyero.

"He's my neighbour," she explained. "He's not home right now – he usually goes out to the bar to drink at night. He'll be back in a couple of hours. You can wait here in the hallway if you like."

Elphaba thanked her and the woman waved in reply before going back inside. The green woman had no intention of waiting in the hallway, however. Instead, she glanced around and then quickly chanted a spell, cupping her hands around the doorknob to keep the sparks from lighting up the dark. The lock clicked and she slipped inside.

She took a deep breath, closed the door behind her, and looked around Fiyero's apartment. It was clean, but small, old, and sparsely furnished. At least he had a nice view, she noticed when she glanced out of the window: she could see the grasslands from here.

She lingered and eventually settled down in an armchair to wait for him, gaze locked on the door. She ate the food she'd bought at a gas station on her way here and then waited longer. She picked up one of Fiyero's books and read for a bit. Then she put the book away again and settled down in the chair once more. At some point, she called Oscar to let her father know her 'appointment' had taken longer than anticipated and she'd be staying at a hotel for the night, but she'd return to the City in the morning. He promised to look after the twins for her.

It was well after midnight when she finally heard a key turn in the lock and the door opened. Fiyero stumbled in, looking decidedly worse for wear; his eyes were blood-shot, he smelt of alcohol, and he looked like he hadn't combed his hair or shaved for days. He kicked the door shut behind him and lit a lamp, only to jump visibly when he saw Elphaba sitting there.

"Hello," she said casually, tracing a pattern on the arm of the chair with the tip of her finger. She cocked her head a little to the side. "Had a nice night out?"

He spluttered, still standing by the door with his keys in his hand, gaping at her. "What – what are you…? How did you even…?"

"It wasn't easy to track you down," she admitted, her finger still restlessly playing along the arm of her chair. "I decided fairly quickly to go after you, but it took a private detective to find out where you'd gone off to after leaving the Emerald City. You're good at the disappearing act." She smiled a little, even though it didn't reach her eyes. "Fortunately, I'm even better at the finding act."

He finally moved, dropping his keys onto a side table and moving over to sink down in the chair opposite Elphaba's. "Elphaba…" he said slowly. "What in Oz are you doing here?"

She rose from the chair and started pacing.

"I thought it was just the guilt eating at you," she said. "And I could understand that, because I've felt guilty about a lot of things in my life, too, and I know the impact guilt can have. But what you wrote in that note… Is that really what you've been thinking all this time? That you're not good enough for me?"

He exhaled through his nose. "Elphaba, it doesn't take a genius to see that I'm not nearly good enough for you," he stressed. "You've achieved so much and I have achieved nothing. You can do anything; I'm just a silly playboy even his own family couldn't stand to be around. We can't be together because we're not equals, Fae. You're so far out of my league it's ridiculous."

"This is ridiculous," she snapped. "You are being ridiculous." She snorted. "You're an idiot, Fiyero Tiggular, and that has nothing to do with your intelligence level," she spat at him. "I have plenty of experience with insecurity, but this… Yero, your worth isn't determined by your family's opinion of you, or the things you've done – or haven't done – in the past, or the skills you have, or the goals you've achieved. Your worth is determined by who you are as a person, deep down inside. I didn't fall in love with the silly playboy or the guy who flunked out of six universities. I didn't fall in love with the bodyguard. I fell in love with the man who makes me laugh, the man who continues to save me even when I don't think I need saving; the man whose face lights up every time I enter a room, the man who gets excited about me teaching him how to cook, the man picking me out of my own bathtub and taking care of me and not even chiding me for being stubborn and trying to do it myself. I fell in love with your personality, Yero, and your heart; I fell in love with you because I could tell that you're a good man. And besides," she added, scowling at him, "you said yourself that I'm smart."

It took him a while to find his voice. He was visibly taken aback by her speech. "I don't think that's even a question."

She tilted her head a little to the side, locking her gaze with his. "Then you'll agree with me that I am far too smart to ever fall in love with a stupid person, or, for that matter, with anyone who isn't 'worthy' of me," she said smugly. He opened his mouth and she held up a hand. "And before you say it – Avaric doesn't count. I was never in love with him, anyway. I was just young and foolish, insecure and flattered, so that doesn't count. It's different. I've never, not even for a second, felt for him even a fraction of what I feel for you." She held his gaze, her own eyes fiery. "That's all I wanted to say, really," she confessed. "Well, one more thing. The twins miss you. A lot. They love you, just like I do, and we all miss you." She lowered her gaze. "But it's up to you to decide if you're willing to come back or not."

He was still staring. She didn't say anything, instead sitting back down in the chair she'd occupied before and leaning back, arms crossed. It was up to him now.

"Fae…" He trailed off, unsure of what to tell her. He rubbed his face with both hands. "I've been miserable ever since I left," he confessed. "I didn't really want to leave and once I was gone, I didn't know what to do with myself. I've done a couple of short jobs elsewhere and found this apartment, figuring the Vinkus – my home province – was as good a place to go to as any… but even here, everything reminded me of you." He glanced at her and then down at the floor, abashed. "I fell back into my old ways, too. You know… hanging out at the bar every night and drinking myself into oblivion." He shook his head. "Are you sure you want me?" he asked unhappily.

"I'm sure," she said, standing up again and crouching down in front of his chair instead, touching his knee. "I told you, Yero – I don't love you for the choices you make. I love you for who you are. We can make this work, but I need you in for that, too."

He looked at her, studying her face and her eyes thoroughly. She didn't look away. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but his head felt foggy from all the beer he'd consumed and from Elphaba's speech and he couldn't really process it all. She'd come after him. She'd come looking for him because she loved him and she wanted him to come back. Could he?

Apparently sensing his thoughts, she said, "I'll give you some time to think about it. Is that okay? You don't have to decide right now, if you don't want to."

He took a breath and nodded gratefully. "Thank you."

She nodded, too. "All right. Do you know any hotels nearby?"

He stared at her again and she clarified, "For me to spend the night. It's a long drive back to the City and not one I'm willing to make at this hour."

He spluttered. "Don't be ridiculous. You can stay here – take the bed. I'll sleep on the couch."

"We've shared a bed before," she pointed out, but he shook his head.

"I'll be fine on the couch, Fae. Really." The truth was that he wasn't sure he'd be able to behave if he shared a bed with her and he didn't want to take advantage of her – especially not before he'd made his final decision.

She looked at him, but didn't protest. She borrowed one of his shirts to sleep in and settled down in the bed, lying awake for another long time, hoping with all her might that she'd managed to convince Fiyero to come back with her and give their relationship another try. He, for his part, made himself comfortable on the couch, but was unable to sleep as well, instead thinking over Elphaba's words and weighing his guilt and insecurities against them. Could he really get over those things for her? He just wasn't sure.