Note: 90% books, 10% show
Disclaimer: A Song of Ice and Fire is owned by G.R.R Martin. This is a strict non-profit venture.
The Tourney of Claw Isle, that was what they called it. It did not garner the fanfare that Harrenhal or the Tourney of Lannisport received. It did not bother her if she was to be honest, it would remain a tourney that she would never forget and she would always treasure close to her heart.
Ser Nameless, a poor but tenacious jouster who bested one of the most formidable knights of The Riverlands for the chance of crowning Lady Cersei Lannister his queen of love and beauty; revealing himself as Stannis Baratheon, estranged brother of the King and heir-apparent to the Iron Throne.
Before he removed that helm, she had thought her love for Stannis was just a simple fancy. That it was merely her heart trying to find someone to indulge her woes in; but, when Stannis Baratheon crowned her with that wreath of red roses.
She finally understood that her love for Stannis Baratheon was something that would last long past the throes of even death. All of her doubts about him, all of her fears, all of her contempt for him. It all disappeared like waves crashing upon the shore.
Ever since they returned to Dragonstone her spirits remained high, she never could stop smiling when thinking back to that moment. No matter how much she tried to hide behind the façade of the arrogant lioness.
It also made her even more afraid.
Now she was uncertain what would happen if she were to ever reunite with Jaime, her heart would throb in maddened fear at the thought of such a meeting. She couldn't imagine just what she would say, what would she do.
She remembered that she was the reason Jaime was a Kingsguard. She remembered all the times that they eloped.
She was afraid of what Jaime would do now that she loved someone else.
She was afraid of what Stannis would do if he discovered that her maidenhead had been broken by her own brother.
Thinking about it was a constant on her mind, because very soon there would come a time when she would need to deal with it.
She was not foolish enough to think she would be able to hide it for long. She wanted to think she was clever enough, but her time with Stannis had sobered her up. She wasn't going to be able obfuscate this from them both.
What ever would she do?
She was disgusting, a filthy whore and even worse; she was a practitioner of unholy incest.
What would Stannis do if he ever knew? What would good, honorable Stannis Baratheon do if he were to know that his betrothed was a promiscuous harlot?
She was thinking those very thought lying back on her bedding. She stared into the darkened ceiling, her green eyes shining dimly with tears.
"I'm not worthy of him." She whispered despairingly to herself.
"He would forsake me, and I would not fault him for it." She croaked out with self-loathing scorn.
Stannis Baratheon had made her feel something that had been alien to her for such a long time. It was a feeling that she had rarely ever suffered from.
Guilt.
She felt guilty.
She felt guilt for what she had done in the past, she felt shame for what she had done with Jaime, even if she had loved him. She felt all these wretched thoughts playing havoc in her mind and couldn't fathom why.
Why only now?
Why after so many years?
Why Stannis Baratheon?
She bit her lip hard, an ugly lump stuck within her throat. She found it so very hard to breath now, she thought back to all the times she was with Jaime.
Jaime was dashing, he was handsome and kind.
What did Stannis have?
Stannis was dull, blunt and boorish. His touch was cold and stone like, his face an impassive statue. Stannis was a man who took little comfort in anything, who didn't waste his time on frivolities.
So why then did he waste it on her?
She thought back to her summer years, when she was a mere girl.
She remembered the things that she had done.
Melara.
"No,no,no,no,no,no." She grabbed her temples, scrunched her eyes tightly shut. She repeated that word over and over, as if it were a prayer to the Seven.
"She deserved it!" There was so much pain, a stabbing sensation scourged her mind. The memories of the past returned, forcing themselves on her like some ravager.
She couldn't remember her face.
She couldn't remember the face of Melara Hetherspoon.
All she remembered was that she died that night, after they had spoken to that horrible frog woman.
She drowned and it was all her fault.
"It had to be done! It had to be done! She was after Jaime! She was after Jaime!" She whimpered to herself in a desperate bid to absolve her sin. She did not regret what she had done that day.
It was bold.
It was necessary.
If she had spoken of the prophecies, they would have come true!
"Wasn't my fault! Wasn't my fault!" She felt like she had gone mad; mad from the guilt, the regret and the self-loathing.
She was lying to herself.
She grabbed her golden locks as she quietly wept, her mucus clogging her nostrils; the phlegm in her throat turned quiet cries into demonic sounding yelping.
What she had done was unforgivable.
What she had done would have been punished by death if Stannis knew of them.
She didn't deserve him.
Stannis Baratheon deserved a wife who would love him with all her heart, one pure in heart and in mind.
He deserved such a wife.
Not some Westerlands whore and murderer.
She grabbed her knees, like a babe leaving her mother's womb.
She stared to the side, seeing only darkness and flickering shadow.
She was afraid of the old woman's prophecy; she had done everything in her power to prevent its passing.
But now she was starting to think it differently.
Maybe if it were come to pass.
Maybe if she fulfilled her destiny.
Then Stannis Baratheon would forgive her.
She then remembered at that moment the words Ser Davos told her. Those words Stannis was ever so fond of repeating.
"Good acts do not wash away the bad, bad acts do not sully the good." Those words resonated within her, soothing her troubled mind.
They promised her something she didn't know she wanted.
Redemption.
Dragonstone seemed livelier than she remembered, it remained dark and foreboding; but the atmosphere had taken a turn for the better. The Tourney of Claw Isle had uplifted the spirits of many.
Melessa Crakehall had been courted by the Salmon Knight, with the prospect of marriage looming in her future. The normally stoic girl was livid with excitement, she had fallen for the man's charms and his kindness.
A year ago she would have been surprised that a handsome man such as Ser Myles Mooton would have fallen for such a plain girl; but now she saw the kindness and willfulness in Melessa. She was courteous, compassionate and never one to gossip. A good wife for any man.
Nerissa Banefort was also excited for she had been betrothed to Ronnet Connington. Her father received word of Ser Ronald Connington beating her uncle in the tourney; humbly asking if the Griffin Knight would allow his daughter to be his heir's wife. Ser Ronald answered most enthusiastically. They were cute together, Ronnet was a sweet lad who seemed to be unmindful of Nerissa's particular habits. Nerissa also discovered she was able to allow Ronnet to see her face and not feel any sort of anxiety, a good development.
Leonella Lefford was probably the only one among them who returned with only disappointment, Criston Celtigar is seemed had not fallen for the girl's charms. She recalled her gushing about how romantic Lord Stannis had been, and how she wished for that crown.
She once hated the girl, but now she felt only pity. She would endeavor to find the girl a good husband by the time of her own marriage.
Shierle Swyft, the clever girl it seemed was not clever enough. She was infatuated with the Darkstar boy, a dangerous game for her to play. The Dornish often let passion run them rather than their wits, if she were not careful she would have her heart broken.
The handmaiden had been adamant in denying any sort of feelings for the Dornish squire, but Cersei was no simpleton. She saw the way her eyes looked at him so longingly, how their arguments started getting raunchier as time passed.
It was a familiar sight, the way she constantly denied any sort of affection for him. Shierle Swyft reminded her of herself when it concerned Stannis Baratheon.
It annoyed her how stupid she was being, how she was no better than her own handmaidens.
She was no fair maid, not anymore.
"Cersei?" She blinked, staring at the chiseled features of her uncle.
Tygett Lannister was less angrier now. He always scowled, she remembered. Yet even when broody he had shown more affection to Tywin's children more than the man himself.
He was smiling, she had never recalled such a thing.
Uncle Tygett had wavy golden hair likened to a great mane. His calloused face was lined with many scars, a jagged one crisscrossing over his right eye; but they did not mar his handsome features. He looked lovelier with that daring smile.
They were out having pleasant conversation on one of the balconies, looking over the waters of Blackwater Bay. There was no wind surprisingly enough, especially now that summer was ending and autumn would soon come. It was early in the morn, before the sun was rising.
She had a terrible sleep, whilst her uncle had been drinking the night before.
"Uncle, why are you in such high spirits?" She asked with her own tired smile, a bit glad Uncle Tygett had learned how to be happy.
"You answer my question with a question? Fine, if you must know your father has finally acknowledged me." His smile wavered for just a moment at the mention of Lord Tywin Lannister.
"How so?" She knew of the tumultuous relationship between Tygett and Tywin. How Tygett felt that he could not match the skills and power of his elder brother, how his constant attempts of doing so only made his inferiority all the more evident.
She understood his displeasure.
All Lannisters trembled before her father's shadow.
"I have been made Lord of Castamere." He said with a leonine grin.
"What?" She couldn't believe it; her father had mentioned that he would never grant the Lordship of Castamere to anyone for as long as he lived. The Reynes and the Tarbecks had earned the undying hatred of Lord Tywin Lannister. He left their holdings ruined husks as a warning to those who defied him.
"When did this happen?" She asked before he was able to answer to her first question.
"Since he returned to Casterly Rock." What?
"When did he return?" She said with a lowered voice. Was this why he was not here? Her father had been made Master of Coin within the King's council; back then she couldn't believe the gall King Robert had in doing so for her father had served as the Hand of the King before the Stag King's own reign. She thought her father was scheming something, her own marriage to Stannis Baratheon played a part in it. A scheme that according to her father was unraveling in an unexpected pace. Of course he would retire back to Casterly Rock.
"He didn't tell you?" Tygett said with his characteristic anger now returned in his voice, among the many quarrels Uncle Tygett had with her father was how he raised his children.
"It's alright." She spoke solemnly.
She then heard a loud thud as Tygett's bare fist struck the stone railing. The skin on his knuckles broke and bled.
Uncle Tygett ground his teeth, one wouldn't believe he had been smiling just moments before with such a furious look in his emerald eyes.
"I can't believe him! Twas his own daughters nameday!" Cersei couldn't help but smile sadly at how enraged her uncle was, more so than she was capable of. It felt nice to have someone get angry in her stead.
She held his injured hand, rubbing it softly. Her glowering uncle calmed slightly at her soft touch.
She smiled sweetly.
"Do not be angered for mine sake uncle. This nameday was none like the others before." She said truthfully, no intention of hiding her giddy joy.
Her uncle was quick to understand, he gave her a glib smile.
"So it seems my brother was not entirely foolish in arranging this betrothal." Her cheeks flustered at his tawdry tone.
"I wonder what Jaime would say of this." At that she frowned.
Uncle Tygett didn't know, so few did. All they knew was that Jaime and Cersei were close.
She couldn't admit it, but she still loved her brother. He was after all her only solace living with Tywin and the bast-
Her heart ached.
She tried thinking of her youngest brother.
Tyrian the Imp, the ugly dwarf who was supposed to kill her by the words of prophecy.
She felt trepidation as she realized the hate she had for him, was no longer as strong as it once was.
"Uncle." She successfully cleansed herself of such dark thoughts, remembering why she had brought him here.
"Lord Stannis' wishes to speak with you within the solar." She relayed his message to him.
A fresh sea breeze passed through the widow still. All of them were quietly breaking fast with one another.
Lord Stannis and Ser Davos seated on the other side, whilst she and Uncle Tygett sat opposite to them.
They were served with sausage covered in mustard along with poached quail eggs.
Once they were finished did they begin their council in earnest.
"When are you going to return back to your holdings Lord Tygett?" It seemed Stannis had known of the news before she did.
"In three days mayhaps? I intend to spend some time with my niece." Uncle Tygett gave her a smile. At least one Lannister seemed interested in her welfare.
"If that is your intent, then have no fear. Your niece and I intend to accompany you back to the Westerlands." Both Lannisters widened their eyes at this proclamation, Lord Stannis and Ser Davos remained neutral. Ser Davos regarded her with a tired look, signaling that he himself had argued with Stannis over this.
"For what purpose?" Lord Tygett now asked with caution.
"Lord Paramount Tywin Lannister is to be a potential good father of mine; I feel it prudent if I met with him at least once before I finalize any decision and I suppose the Lady Lannister and her retinue wish to return back home, if only briefly." There was more to what he was saying, he was hiding something.
"Is that all?" Uncle Tygett continued his line of questioning.
He remained quiet.
"Lord Tywin had failed to appear on his daughter's nameday. I wish to know why, in person." She blinked, her ears heating and her tongue tied in knots.
Was he an idiot?!
Ser turned Lord Tygett laughed. A great booming sound that made all present wince at its volume.
"I applaud your audacity! I can only imagine such a conversation!" He wiped away elated tears.
Cersei just blushed, uncomfortable that this journey involved her in some part. She already had sufficient reason to love Stannis, she did not want for any more least her heart aches even more.
She took some time explaining the situation concerning her father's resignation as Master of Coin. She was confused as to how he knew of her uncle's new station but not of Lord Tywin's lack of presence.
"He left for Casterly Rock just a day after the tourney started." That elicited surprised from both Lannisters.
Cersei's heart felt heavy, she was used to her father's occasionally cold bouts; but this still hurt her greatly.
"I simply cannot understand it! How can the Warden of the West not attend his daughter's name day!? It would cost him the prestigious that he craves for like a dog!" Uncle Tygett smashed his hand on the oaken table, almost breaking the rickety furniture with just a single blow.
"That is what I intend to ask." Stannis said simply, unmindful of uncle Tygett's outburst.
She couldn't believe him, the sheer arrogance of he!
She was not some defenseless flower!
She was a lioness!
"I refuse." She stated dully.
That answer did not surprise either Stormlords.
"Cersei." She raised her hand it order to quell any protests from her uncle.
"Who do you think you are Lord Stannis Baratheon?" She asked indignantly.
This they did not foresee.
"Beg your pardon?" Stannis asked icily.
"You think me a fool? Who are you to foist yourself upon problems within mine House?" She said with barely contained fury.
Stannis remained quiet, his cold blue eyes never straying.
"I will not agree to such a journey, unless we were to pass by the holding of a lord I wish to meet on the way." She answered more calmly.
"Which Lord?" Stannis sounded intrigued? She didn't know if she was imagining it, but she noticed how the brow of one of his eyes slightly raised.
"Lord Renly Baratheon of Storm's End." His eyes narrowed into snake like slits; his lips curled into an ugly frown; his right hand clenched into an iron grip. She couldn't help but notice so much about his subtle feelings.
Lord Stannis was angry.
"Why?" He growled out without a need to hide his contempt.
"You wish to inquire mine father why he is so cold? Then I wish to do the same for your brother." Her eyes met his, once she was afraid to look at them. Now she only saw the sadness in them, how she wanted those eyes to look at her with warmth.
He looked away.
She couldn't believe it.
Ser Davos himself narrowed his eyes as he noticed this.
"Fine." She didn't expect that, she never once expected Stannis Baratheon to even entertain that thought.
"We will first make way for Storm's End, from whence we begin our sail towards Oldtown. From there we shall go through Highgarden then finally through the Oceanroad reach Casterly Rock." The route he suggested sounded needlessly long.
"Why not use the Kingsroad?" She immediately regretted that question.
"I do not have the stomach for two 'brothers." Others would have heard the scorn in which Lord Stannis spoke those words.
She however heard something else, it was quiet and subdued; but still remained there.
Sadness.
A solemn and heartbreaking sadness that she didn't want to hear at all.
She didn't deserve him, she was not going to be the woman who would heal the wounds of his heart.
But at least she would be the one who would make him smile, to remind him why he did his duty.
Note: It begins