Rating: M

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer had the foresight to dream this up and it's all hers, I'm just dabbling in her stuff.

A/N…Thanks to lovinrob and amandac3 for hanging in there with me these last few chapters. You two always have the right thing to say.

Some of the reviews I have received over the past few chapters have primarily been good, positive ones but some have been pretty passionate bout how I split Edward and Bella. What you need to remember is that I have written this story under the Angst/Romance category and I haven't deviated from that. You knew it would have the angst in it. Also, I find that 100% happy ever after without drama/angst is totally boring. I like the heart and chest clenching emotion when I read a story. Also….even Stephenie Meyer broke Broke Bella and Edward up so it's not like you shouldn't expect it. If you think the angst is over, it's not. Bella still has Tanya and Jacob to deal with. Thank you to those who understand where I am going with this and have expressed your desire for the next chapter update. That said, enjoy this chapter!

CHAPTER 33

Bella

I knew it would be hard. I knew I would never get over him. But I also knew I would make a sincere effort to try. I allowed myself some time to cry, to ache, to feel the pain of loss. But it's been a month for God's sake. I need to get my head back in the game.

I roll over in my childhood bed, looking at my childhood walls, thinking of my childhood days. I grew up in this house. I planned my wedding in this room. The man I wanted to marry. I wanted him to be like my daddy. My dad loves me, unconditionally. He hasn't questioned me once since I arrived. Edward quit calling me. He quit sending me texts. He quit sending me flowers. I suppose it could be because I never answered my phone, or his texts, or offered a thank you for the flowers.

I suppose he's over me. Moved on. I don't talk to Rosalie or Alice much either. They are a reminder of him. They are near him all the time now. I can't know about him. I can't know what he is doing or how he feels. I just can't.

I sit up and decide today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I log on to my computer and search for a tutor. I want to refresh myself with the classes I've already taken years ago so that when I begin again in May, I will be current and up to date. I find a few names, jot down the numbers and then check my email.

EACullen!

Oh, shit.

Should I read it?

No.

Why not?

Because.

Because why?

I don't know… just read the damned thing.

I open it.

Dear Bella,

It's been a while since I've written and I think about you often. I hope you are well and want you to know that you are always in my thoughts.

Edward.

Shit!

I wish I hadn't opened that email. Now I have the dilemma of whether I should reply or not. He still thinks about me. But he doesn't say he loves me. Maybe he is over me. Maybe he's just being nice. I can be nice. I can be nice back can't I?

Dear Edward,

Thank you for your email. I am doing alright, thank you. Hope you are as well.

I am sorry I did not respond when you sent the flowers.

It was rude of me, but they were beautiful.

Thank you again.

Isabella

I hit send and turn off my computer. No more answering of emails. I wonder if he's with Leah. He said she was moving out of the country. Did she go or did she and Edward decide to try after all.

NO! I can't even go there.

I hop in the shower and then head downstairs for breakfast. Dad and Sue are chatting over coffee while I pour a bowl of cereal.

"So, Bella, I am going to Pike's today, would you care to go? We could have lunch. There is a great place near the market where they make a great clam chowder." Sue suggests.

I snap my head around and look at her. I can't help it. Tears begin to fall.

Chowder?

Oh God. Shitshitshit.

I miss him. I still love him and I miss him.

I take my cereal bowl and cup of coffee and go back to my room and sit at my childhood window in my childhood rocking chair looking back at my childish actions.

I think it's time I call my best friends. I miss them terribly and although I have kept up with them by way of texts, I haven't called or written much to speak of. I get up and search for my phone that I find buried beneath my blankets of my unmade bed.

"Hi Rosalie. Is Alice there?" I say sadly. I'm sad because I know I owe them an explanation that I'm not really wanting to give and I'm sad because I miss them.

"Oh, Bella. It is so good to hear your voice finally. Let me get Alice. She's in the other room with Jasper."

Alice is still with Jasper. And Rose is still with Emmett. And I'm still not with Edward.

"Bella? Bella! Oh God, Bella. I am so glad you called us finally. We have missed you so much." Alice starts as soon as she comes into the room.

"Hey guys. How are you? I've missed you both so much. It's been a long six weeks, eh?" I say.

"Bella, how are you? Are you okay?" Rosalie asks.

"Yeah, I'm okay. One day at a time, you know?" I offer.

"When are you coming home?" Alice asks.

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it really. I know I need to be home by the first of May to get registered for classes."

"Bella, why don't you come home now? There's really no reason for you to be there anymore. You've seen your dad so you can come home now." Alice says. "I've already packed your stuff from Napa and took it home for you."

I notice how they both avoid saying his name. I haven't spoken it myself in over six weeks.

"Besides, he's not in Napa anymore so you don't need to worry about running into him." Rosalie says.

What?

Not in Napa?

"Wh… what do you mean he's not in Napa? Did he move away? Did he move to London?" I ask in panic.

"No, no, nothing like that." Alice calms me.

"He's been in Tahoe this whole time. At Squaw." Rosalie says. "He said… do you even want to know this stuff, Bella?" She asks.

"No… I guess… I don't know… Should I?" I don't know if I want to know.

Of course I want to know.

"I don't know you guys. That was kind of our place you know? We met there, played there, fought there, fell in love there. It's just kind of strange knowing he's not around, you know?"

"I know sweetie. Do you miss him? Are you over him yet?" Alice asks sweetly. I know they are worried about me so I might as well be honest.

"Yes, I miss him. Every day. Every single day I think about him. But then I see him with Leah. Holding her hand. Laughing. And I am crushed you guys. I never, ever dreamed that Edward would do that to me." I confess. "So no, I'm not over him. Yet. But every day I work on it. Without success, but I try."

"Bella. I need to tell you something." Rosalie says.

"What? Is it bad? Is he with Leah? What?" I plead with her.

"No, he's not with Leah. Shit, Bella, would you stop with that? But what I need to tell you is that day you saw them, she was saying goodbye to him. She moved to London and they had decided to bury the anger hatchet and you didn't see him holding her hand. She put her hand over his while she was laughing and he pulled it away immediately but you didn't see that part." Rosalie explains.

"I…" I begin to protest.

"No, Bella. You need to hear this and then you can do what you want." Alice states angrily. "Go ahead, Rosie." She says.

"I saw his face when he saw you drive away. He died that day. His joy. His laughter is gone. He yelled at Leah in the restaurant and told her to never speak to him again and he said that if he lost you because of her he would then have two reasons why hated her. He's been gone since you told him goodbye." Rosalie says.

"We want to go check on him but he doesn't want us to. Emmett drove to see him once but Edward ran him off. He checks in with us every once in a while. He calls his mother and father and he runs the business from the condo. One time he said he would go to his house in Stateline but he said something about a piano and then he hung up." Alice wondered out loud what he could have meant by that.

"Oh God!" I cry. It's all I can get out.

"What? What Bella?" Alice asks.

"Nothing. Nothing, Alice." I have tears pouring down my cheeks at the memory of the piano.

"Bella, come home. Please. We miss you and you can study from here just as well as from Seattle." Alice begs.

"But we do have one thing to tell you. If you come home, we won't hide Emmett and Jasper from you. They love you and we love them and we won't hide them." Rosalie states.

"I know. I don't expect you to." I say, knowing how hard it will be to see the four of them together. Knowing there will be a missing link.

"Okay, I'll come home. I will call you when, okay?"

I hear the scream into the phone.

"About fucking time, Bells." Emmett yells in the phone.

"Yeah, get your ass home. We miss you too, you know." Jasper adds his input. How long have they been listening? I didn't even know that were there.

"Okay, I'll call you soon, I love you guys." I say to all of them and I hang up.

I fall back onto my bed and cover my eyes with my arm. Home. I'm going home. I'm actually excited. I actually smile at the thought.

But he won't be there.

Oh, shit! I forgot to tell them not to tell Edward!

No, that's not fair. I can't do that to Emmett and Jasper. If Edward finds out that they knew I was home and they didn't tell him, would he be upset?

I run downstairs to tell dad that I am going back home to prepare for school and tell Sue that I will be happy to go to Pike's Market with her. I then run back upstairs to change. Sue and I spend the rest of the day walking around the market and visiting the assorted shops.

We stop for lunch over warm clam chowder and I recall the fond memory of Edward and I sitting at his kitchen table talking over his clam chowder. It was the first day we met on the lifts. I have to push the memory of him to the back of my mind to get through lunch.

Sue tries to draw me out so that I will open up to her but I can only tell her that I'm not ready to talk about it, that it is over and done with and that I need to move on. She acquiesces and we continued our shopping.

Over the next few days, I call Stanford to research tutors that live in the San Francisco Bay area. I was able to get several names so I set up appointments with five for the following week. I then made my reservation to return home and picked up my phone to text the girls.

B: flying home 3/22 at 2:30. pick me up?

I wait for a response while I clean my room. I have three days before I leave and I want to leave my room clean and tidy. My phone pings a text.

A: yaaaaay. we will be there. i will tell rose. she's is in a meeting with new clients today.

B: looking forward to seeing you.

A: i will pick up the wine and we will celebrate.

B: no. no wine. please. see you thursday. xox

A: xox more.

~BD~

I kiss my dad and Sue goodbye at the airport and thank them for being there and assure them I will be alright and I waive one last time before heading down the ramp to board the plane. I buckle in and pray I can do this.

Once I head toward passenger pickup, I can't see them but I can hear them. I hear the screams and someone is holding a sign up in the air with "ISABELLA SWAN" written on it. It makes me smile.

The next thing I know I'm flat on the ground. Alice. She sure knows how to tackle. She missed her calling. She should be on the lingerie football team.

"Oh my fucking god, Bella. You cut your hair!" Alice screams.

"Yeah. A little." I reply. "I needed something different." I say pulling at my now shoulder length hair.

"Well you look beautiful as always ." She says smiling and kissing my cheek.

"Get over here, bitch." Rosalie says as she helps me off the ground and envelops me in a strong but loving hug. "God I missed your sorry ass." She says as she smacks me hard on my ass.

"Hey you." I see Emmett standing there smiling at me.

"Hey you." I say back and let him hug me.

"What about me?" Jazz says, hugging me and kissing my cheek. "We missed you, Bella. Don't do that again, okay?" He says.

I have tears in my eyes at the outpouring of love standing before me. I missed them all terribly. Everyone knows there is someone missing, however. But no one is willing to say his name out loud.

"Let's go home. I'm hungry." I say wrapping my arms around my friends' waists as we walk toward the exit doors.

Once we get home, I head for my room to put my suitcase down and change into something more comfortable when I see a beautiful arrangement of spring flowers. I know who they are from. I walk over to them to smell the freesia and see a card.

Damn. A card.

I open it slowly, not sure if I want to read it.

Bella,

Welcome home.

Edward

Short and sweet.

"What do you want, Bella? What did you expect?" I say out loud.

I change and head to the kitchen where the others are waiting.

"There she is." Emmett says.

"Did you see your present?" Alice asks.

"Yes."

"What present?" Emmett wants to know.

"Someone sent Bella a beautiful arrangement of flowers today." Rosalie says.

"Oh. Sorry, Bella. I had to tell him. He would have had my balls on a stick if I didn't tell him you were home." Emmett says.

"It's alright, Em. I know you needed to tell him." I say quietly as I walk to the refrigerator.

"Bella, Edward…." Jasper starts and I hold up my hand for him to stop.

"No Bella. You don't get to tell us to shut up. We are part of this too. When you left Edward you left us to clean up your mess and you will hear us out." Jasper says angrily.

"Jasper!" Alice exclaims.

"No, Alice. I am saying this." He walks up to me and takes me by my hands to calm me.

"Bella, I don't know where your head is at right now. I don't know where his is either because when you left and told him goodbye his world caved." Jasper says with a sigh.

"Couldn't you tell? Couldn't you see that you were it for him? Didn't you see how happy you made him? What you did was punish him for being a mature adult. He got rid of a grudge for another person so that he can be a better person. For you. Him doing that doesn't mean he was going to dump your ass and go back to her! What little faith you had in him" He stands there and looks at me for a moment. "I guess we got our answer when you left him didn't we?" He walks away giving me his back.

"He is doing his best not to become the man he did when Leah crushed his world, Bella." Emmett starts. "I wish I could burn in your mind the look on his face when you said goodbye like it is burned into all of ours. It was pure, pure pain. He is still in pain. So much so he won't come around us so we don't have to live our lives like we did when he and Leah broke up. He went to the only place where he could feel you. I went to see him once and all he did was stare out his window over that blasted mountain."

"What is it about his house in Stateline that he won't go see it, Bella. What is it about the piano? Did he play for you?" Alice looked at me wanting to know. "That's all he could say is "the piano".

"Oh, God!" I drop to my knees and sob.

"What is it?" She asks again.

"I can't. I can't. I can't." I look at all four of them and get up quickly, going to my room.

~BD~

I stay in my room for four days before I leave my bed. Rose made sure I had food and water but other than that, she left me alone. I get up to use the bathroom and glance at myself in the mirror and am shocked. Appalled is more like it. But to their credit, they left me alone to deal with this on my own terms. They knew I would come around eventually.

I look into my own eyes.

"You are a complete fool." I admonish myself.

"You don't deserve him". I say to myself outloud. "You have brought him nothing but drama, turmoil and pain."

What have I done? He is the kindest, most loving human being I have ever met. But what did I do? I have hurt the man that I love. I hurt the man that loved me. He trusted me; he had faith in us when I didn't. I crushed him by not trusting him.

What the fuck is wrong with you Bella?

I decide that if he is working on moving forward with his life, the best I can do is leave him alone. He will come home eventually and hopefully one day we can be around each other again for the sake of our friends and family. I make a promise to myself not to cause that man any more hurt.

Fuck this moping around shit. No more. If by chance I ever have love again like I love Edward, I will never take it for granted or lose it again.

I hop into the shower, scrubbing my hair until it squeaks. I get dressed and go to the kitchen where Rose and Emmett sit having coffee.

"Hey. Look at you." Rose perks up.

"Yeah, thought I better come out amongst the living." I say smiling.

"Thanks you two for taking care of me and allowing me to just… be." I kiss both of them before getting a cup of coffee.

"That still fucking turns me on Bella seeing you kiss my Rosie." Emmett says, laughing protecting his arms from Rosalie and I.

"What's on your agenda for today, Bella?" Rose asks shaking her head at Emmett.

"I'm going to have my first interview for a tutor today. I need to get working on studying for my classes." I answer. "I'm meeting him at 11:00 for coffee so I need to head out. See you for dinner?" I ask.

"Yep. I'll bring Thai home. Does that sound alright?" Emmett asks.

"Yeah, sounds great." Rose and I say.

"Oh, hey, you guys? Do me a favor? I know it was right to tell Edward I'm home but he doesn't need the details of my life okay? He is trying to move on and it looks like he's doing good, so let's let him do that, okay?" I look at both of them and they sneak a look at each other.

"What?" I ask. "What is it?"

"Nothing, Bella. Go to your interview and we will see you tonight." Rosalie says pulling her cup to her lips. I look at Emmett and he does the same. Anything to keep their mouths occupied.

~BD~

I interview all five of my potential tutors the following week and settle on a nice guy by the name of Matt. He is a practicing attorney that works closely with the school for people like me. I think I made a good choice and we work out our schedule to tutor three days a week up until classes start in the middle of May.

I decide to unpack some of the boxes that Alice brought over from my apartment when my cell phone rings. It's Esme.

"Hello." I answer.

"Hello, Bella, dear. It's Esme."

"Hello, Esme. How are you? It's been a while." I say happy to hear from her. I've really missed her and Carlisle.

"Yes it has. Bella, I want to apologize for what I said to you that day. I was out of line and it was totally unnecessary. I was just worried about… well… you know." She tries to explain.

"Esme, it's already forgotten. Of course you were worried. I apologize as well for talking to you like I did. It was a stressful time for all of us." I say, trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh, good, dear. I'm so glad you and I can remain friends. Listen, the reason I am calling is that the kids are here next weekend for Carlisle's birthday. I am having a bar-b-que and I wanted to make sure you would be there."

"Oh, no. Esme I can't. I can't." I am not ready to see Edward just yet. Maybe later down the road, but not right now.

"Wait, Bella. Please before you say no, he won't be here. He's at the lake as you know. He's been there since you left. He won't be home for another month or so." Esme says, trying to reassure me that he won't be there.

"Esme, the thing is, it's just too painful for me right now. Please understand." I plead. I think about the beautiful rolling hills of the winery and if I saw that oak tree, it would kill me.

"Bella, please, just for the afternoon. You don't need to spend the weekend or even the night. Just for a few hours. We would love to see you and our circle is not complete without you. Please reconsider dear."

Man she's good.

"Esme." I say to silence on the other end.

"Please, Bella." She asks again.

"Alright, but just for a few hours, then I will need to leave, alright?"

"Perfect. Thank you so much, dear. I am so looking forward to seeing you and so is Carlisle. He missed you too you know. He is very fond of you."

"I am of him as well, Esme. Of all of you. I will see you next weekend." I say before hanging up.

I have over a week to chicken out but by the sounds of it Esme doesn't plan on taking no for an answer.

The next day I have my first tutor session with Matt. He's very good. Very knowledgeable and he taxes my memory. I am surprised how fast it all comes back and I enjoy my mind being on something else for a change.

The week goes fast and before I know it, it's Saturday. Time to drive to Napa for the first time in nearly two months. The closer I get, the more my stomach feels like it is completely upside down. I turn in to the drive leading to the big house and I can feel him. I can feel him and I look around me but don't see him. I walk up the steps and ring the doorbell.

"Oh, Bella, dear. It's so good to see your lovely face." Esme says, hugging me tight. "Oh, I love your new cut. It looks like you cut about four inches off." She says running her hands down the side of my head looking into my eyes.

"He's going to make it, Bella. Don't worry about him." She says into my ear. She pulls back and looks into my eyes. I get misty eyed and nod my head in acceptance. I want him to make it. I want him to be happy.

"Bella!" I hear Carlisle say as he walks toward me. He wraps his arms around me and I get another sense of Edward around me. It is probably that Carlisle and Edward are the same height and stature.

"Let's go out back and get this thing started shall we?" Esme says, putting her arm around my shoulder.

"Let's." I say in return and I put my arm around her waist.

We go out back and I see my four friends playing badminton. Man, I haven't played that since high school. I loved that game. I rocked at that game.

"Here you go, Bella. Here is a glass of your favorite." Carlisle says handing me a glass of Edward's special reserve.

"No. No thank you, Carlisle." I say, looking down at my hands. I can't drink his wine anymore. I don't have a taste for it anymore. "I hope you understand."

He looks at me and then the wine.

"Yes. I think I do." He says, smiling his understanding.

The afternoon was fun-filled and there were stories told and jokes laughed at. It felt good to laugh and be around the Cullen's without the need to panic that Edward might show up making it awkward.

Emmett and Jasper shared their plans on their homes that are being built and asked if I wanted to go see them. I declined. It would mean I would have to drive by Edward's and I don't want that. I told them I would love to see their homes once they are built and asked if they might bring the blueprints to the city the next time they were there.

The sun was starting to set so I told everyone that I would be leaving and helped to clear the table.

"No, don't you dare, Bella." Esme scolds. "I will take care of this, besides, I have help today. Rebecca is here to assist me. Since Edward isn't around, she comes to help me a little bit."

"Rebecca is here?" I say quietly.

"Yes, she's probably in the kitchen. Would you like to see her?" Esme asks.

"Yes. I would." I get up to go inside the house and see her in the dining room, folding napkins.

"Rebecca." I say as I approach her.

"Miss Bella! Oh, goodness. Look at you." She says running to me and we hug each other like we are family.

"Good to see you Rebecca." I say as we step back to look at each other.

"Oh, Bella. You are like a breath of fresh air. It's so good to see you. Billy will be so sorry he missed you."

"Where is he? Is he around, I could go out and say hello." I say looking out the window, hopefully to get a peek at him.

"No, he's with…" She says looking down at her hands.

"Oh, well, the next time you see him, make sure you tell him I said hello and that I will make it a point to see him if I come again." I say, putting my hands on her shoulders.

"I will Miss Bella, I will."

"Well, I was just about to leave before it gets dark. It was good to see you again, Rebecca. You take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will Miss Bella. You do the same." We hug one last time and I sadly walk toward the door knowing it is probably the last time I will see her.

I open the door and what I see next to my car does me in. I think the stress of the last two months came rushing in tenfold when I see it.

A little pink Hummer with 'Bella' on the license plate is parked next to my BMW.

That's all I remember.

"Bella, sweetie, wake up. Oh, Rose, do we call 911? What do you think happened?" I hear Alice's voice.

"Oh, wait. She's coming around." I hear Esme.

"Here's another cool cloth." I hear Rebecca say.

"Here's some water." I hear Carlisle say.

"Here's a pillow for her head." I hear Emmett say.

"Here's the phone if you need to call 911." I hear Jasper say.

I look up and I'm on the floor and they are in a circle around me, waiting for me to say something.

"Hey." It's all I can muster.

"What happened, sweetie?" Rosalie asks.

What did happen? Did I just faint for God's sake? I try to recall the last few minutes as I sit up slowly. Then I remember. I scurry to get to my feet and Jasper offers me the support I need to get my balance. I walk to the front door and there it is. Still sitting there.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God." Rosalie says eloquently.

Everyone scurries to the front door to see what I see.

"Oh shit." Alice says.

"Um." Emmett says.

"How cute is that." Esme says.

"Hmmm." Jasper says.

"Edward's home." Carlisle says.

"Yep." I say.

I need to get out of here. I look around frantically for him. I need to leave before he comes up those stairs. I grab the bag that I dropped when I so gracefully hit the floor and tell everyone goodbye as I run down the stairs to my car, stopping briefly to look at the cart Edward had built for me. I love it. A little pink Hummer decked out just for me. I smile at it and shake my head to get back to the task at hand. I need to leave before he sees me. I turn quickly to wave goodbye and I jump inside my car and back out, careful not to hit the cart. Once I am able, I hit the gas and speed down the lane to sanity.

I feel the tears coming on. Dammit. Why did he do that? Why does he have to be so fucking sweet and remarkable?

I wipe a tear away and as I look up, I hit my breaks… hard.

"Edward." I whisper.

A/N: Don't you just hate cliffies? I do too. Okay, love it or hate it, but tell me what you think.