It was a difficult night filled with the whistle and slapping noise of a whip making contact. Every time I close my eyes, I see blood fly and flesh shred. I hear her screaming as she sees what's left of her friend's back. I see her take the lash willingly as she attempts to protect him. It becomes then that I've lost her. Whatever progress that we made during the Victory Tour is gone. The promises I made and the love I offered while on my knees before the Capital mean nothing. It was in front of a camera, planned beforehand to stifle the spark of rebellion, and suggested by her in a last ditch effort to turn the tide. That didn't change the fact that when I said those words and made those promises, I meant them. To the bottom of my heart, I meant them. Here and now in the weak morning light, the remnants of those dreams are like ashes, bitter and acrid. They burn and scourge me as I look at their joined hands, clasped tightly in sleep and know that no action of mine can break that grip.
I feel my eyes close as I head off reflexive tears that swell up to fill the void. I can't do this anymore. I can't leave myself open to this pain again and again. I can't lie to myself that she will ever return what I've so freely given. We share a bond, forged into being by the fires of the Games and tempered during the ensuing unrest of the Tour. President Snow made demands that we had made every effort to fulfill. It was shaky at best if we had accomplished our goal. During that time, walls were breached and trust reformed. I wanted to believe her when she told me that we would be open with each other, no secrets and no lies. I agreed to go because she asked me to. Leaving everything I know to live in the wilds isn't something that I'm thrilled about. I know nothing of the woods. I knew that my family would be staying in District Twelve regardless of my decision. I knew that my actions would have repercussions for them. I cared about what they would go through for me, but my main concern is and has always been Katniss. I had thrown my lot in with hers and didn't think twice about it. That decision wasn't questioned until the moment that she jumped between Gale Hawthorne and that whip. In that instant, everything that I knew to be true collapsed into chaos.
I stand on her porch, drawing in deep breaths of the cold morning air as I attempt to regain control. The bread that I had baked last night in an attempt to force those images from my mind gets crushed in my fists as I fight conflicting emotions that threaten to overwhelm me. I love her. That fact remains. It's as much a part of me as blonde hair and blue eyes. It's all I know. I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me. That realization both heartens me and causes me pain. I will willingly put her wellbeing above my own yet again. I will break myself into pieces on the slightest chance that she will be kept whole. But I am only human. There is only so much that I can willingly do before I'm changed irrevocably and shattered beyond all repair.
I hear the door open softly behind me and quickly school my expression to stillness. The footsteps are light and quick as they cross the porch. I feel a small strong hand grasp my arm and look down into a pair of cornflower blue eyes. She gives me an uncertain smile which I return warmly with one of my own. Primrose is a sweet, innocent girl who has faced many obstacles in her short thirteen years. She'd lost her father, had to nurse her mother through depression, and then watch her beloved older sister fight to the death in an Arena. She has welcomed me with unquestioning acceptance. Her gentle personality and bright smile are known throughout the district. She is loved by any and all who meet her, including me.
"Peeta," she asked quietly. "Why are you out here? Is everything alright?"
I swallow the bitter tide that surges up in an attempt to block my throat and put my renowned golden tongue to work. "Everything is fine, Prim. I came earlier than I thought. I didn't want to disturb anyone so I decided to stay out here and enjoy the morning." The look that she gives me can charitably be called disbelieving. Undeterred, I attempt to divert her attention, "What are you doing out here so early? Couldn't you sleep?"
Prim gives me a searching glance but decides to follow my lead. She maneuvers me to the swing that hangs in the curvature of the porch. Her eyes are concerned as she looks at me and I can see that my attempts to hide my unease have failed. She drops her all seeing gaze to the crushed bread resting in my lap and a sigh escapes her. "You saw them," She states unequivocally. She gives me a pitying look that I don't want to see. I drop my gaze to the bread and unsuccessfully try to repair the damage from earlier. "Peeta, you can talk to me you know...about whatever is bothering you. It would be just between us if that's how you want it."
I shoot her a startled glance and catch myself before my jaw drops. This is Katniss' little sister. I can't expect her be my sounding board about my issues with Katniss and Gale. It wouldn't be right. I need someone to talk to, but unfortunately that can't be Primming She watches the play of emotions on my face and follows them with unerring accuracy. "You think that it would put me in an awkward spot with Katniss. You think that it would be too difficult for me to give an unbiased opinion. Peeta, that's just stupid. Katniss knows that I love her. She also knows that I don't always agree with her. You're my friend too. If she has a problem with that, then it's her problem to deal with. So, what's wrong?"
I cannot keep the grin off my face. Prim is just as stubborn and focused as her sister. It's a completely different type of strength than that displayed by Katniss. This is something completely unique to Prim. She reaches out and removes the bread from my hands then covers them with her own. "Prim, I don't even know where to start. Thank you for the offer. It means a lot. I should go. Tell your mother that I will bring her supplies over later." I wiggle my fingers free and attempt to leave the swing but her hold tightens, keeping me firmly in place.
"You still love her, don't you? You love her and you think that you've lost her because what happened yesterday." Her insight stops me cold and I feel the yawning chasm open up in my chest again. I turn back to face her, carefully making sure that my expression doesn't betray me but she sees through it in a second. "Peeta, I can tell that you're hurting. It's obvious. What I don't understand is why? You asked her to marry you and she accepted. Isn't that enough?"
The bittersweet smile that crosses my face actually hurts. The engagement lies at the heart of it. At any other time, that answer would have been enough. I could have lived my whole life happy with the knowledge that she agreed to be mine. But she didn't agree, she was coerced and that makes all the difference. She didn't choose me. She chose Gale. It's more than clear from the way she reacted when she saw that he was hurt. It's even more apparent seeing them together this morning. "I don't think that it is, Prim. It should be but it's not. She's made her choice and I have to live with it." Her look of confusion is priceless. She sees much more clearly than a thirteen year old should, but she's still just a kid. The slippery slope that Katniss and I have been sliding on since the Games has no meaning for this girl. I find that I am content with this knowledge. At least some things haven't changed. Here at last is something that I can count on. "I'm glad for her," I say bravely. "I'm sorry that this is what it took to help her see what she really wanted. At least now they both know."
Prim shakes her head. "What exactly do they know, Peeta? She's engaged to you. She will marry you. How does Gale getting whipped change any of that?"
I bite my lip at her obtuse behavior. She is definitely demonstrating that she is related to Katniss today. Being deliberately dense must be an Everdeen family trait. "It changes everything, Prim. She loves him and he loves her. Do you think that I would keep them apart even if I could? I won't stand in her way. Capital or not, if Gale is what she needs to be happy then that is exactly what she'll get."
Prim rolls her eyes. Clearly, my altruistic gesture hasn't made a favorable impression. Her normally placid eyes look more and more like her sisters the longer she looks at me. I can't help but fidget under that unflinching stare. I feel like she is reading every thought and emotion that I have. It's terrifying. "You really are an idiot, Peeta. You know that." She blurts out. "She does love Gale. They've been best friends for years. There's a bond there that nothing can break. She will never fully walk away from him." She eyes me carefully, "But you're missing a big part of the picture. She loves you too. What you have with her is just as important as what she has with Gale. It's just different. I thought you knew that."
I can't keep the confusion from registering on my face. What am I missing? Katniss told me herself that her feelings for me were due in large part to keeping us both alive during the Games. Once we were safe and at home, she had no difficulty walking away from me and straight to Gale. I rub the back of my neck, mindlessly scrubbing my hand through my hair. I say the only thing that comes to mind. The only thing that makes sense. "They have so much history between them, Prim. I can't compete with that."
Prim grins as if I've said something brilliant. My confusion grows as she continues to look at me with that wide smile on her face, looking like she understands at last what's going on. If she does, then I wish she would explain it to me. I don't have a damned clue. "So they have a history. Well, so do you. You and Katniss have something that most people can't understand. It's just as important as what she and Gale share. Why should you have to compete? Peeta, there is no competition."
Those words bring back an unbidden memory of a cold, wet cave and another voice saying that same phrase to me. The effect is the same now as it was then. A warm feeling permeates through me at the slightest implication of her being mine. It fills me up to bursting and for a moment, I allow myself to believe it. That moment was shattered by her confession on the train ride home. This one is when I recall their clasped hands. Prim is right. There is no competition. Gale won her heart a long time ago. I'm just now beginning to accept it. Prim once again follows my train of thought with frightening acumen. "Peeta, don't you realize how different she is with you? You bring out a side of her that most of us don't get to see, not even Mom and me. I know you say that you love her, but do you know her at all? Really?"
My brow furrows and I sit back down in spite of my earlier vow to keep this visit short and simple. I sense that Prim has a point that she is determined to make. For the life of me, I can't ignore it. Bearing that in mind, I look at her expectantly. "What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?"
"You're not doing anything wrong, silly. You're just overlooking some very important facts. I thought you were smarter than that, Peeta. Honestly, you're picking up Katniss' worst habits." She grins at my huffed out laugh and then continues. "She promised me that she would win and come home. That was the last thing she said to me before going to the Capital." I nod impatiently. This is not new information. Katniss said as much in her interview prior to the Games. I don't understand what that has to do with here and now. Prim laughs at my blatant confusion.
"Neither you nor Katniss realizes that she broke that promise." I hastily shake my head, denials coming readily forth but she cuts me off. "She broke it the minute she began searching you out in the Arena. She didn't need you to get her home, Peeta. She could have done that herself. She didn't go looking for you because she thought she would be despised in the District if she didn't make the attempt. I'm sure that was part of it but not the entire reason. Since when does Katniss care about what others think about her? She doesn't. Besides, nobody could blame her if you had not made it out of there. You were badly injured and severely ill. It's a miracle that you're here now. A large part of that is because of my sister. She sacrificed a great deal to find you and nurse you back to health. She could have hid out in a tree and waited until everyone else was dead. She didn't do that. She went looking for you. She put herself into greater danger to make sure that you were taken care of. She walked willingly into a fight on the barest chance that it would help you survive. She even drugged you so that she could go. How can you sit here and tell me that she doesn't love you. Peeta, she loves you more than anyone. I just think that she hasn't realized it yet. You need to give her time. She'll come around."
I find it difficult to argue with her logic. Everything that she's saying to me is the truth. Somehow, coming from Prim gives it more weight. It makes me want to believe that there is a chance. It makes me want to hope again. That stops me cold. Katniss did do all of those things and more when we were in the Arena. My mind flickers back to the scene played during the final interview. She was beating furiously on the glass, screaming my name as the doctors worked to save my life. She had to be sedated before they could treat her injuries. She fought to stay with me right up to the moment that they slid a needle into her arm. But once we got back home, everything changed. Actually, nothing had changed. That fact broke my heart then much as it does now looking into Prim's expectant blue gaze.
"She walked away from me. I didn't leave her. We barely spoke to each other in between the Games and the Victory Tour. She picked up right back where she left off. There's no place for me here, Prim. There was in the Arena but not now." I can't help but point these things out, hoping that she will find a way to prove me wrong. I know it's stupid but I want her to say something that will enable me to keep the slightest flicker alive. She doesn't disappoint.
"She did go back to her familiar routines but so did you. How many times have you stopped by to see her? How many calls have you made? How many times did you go out of your way to say hello? You are just as guilty of falling back into old habits as my sister. The only difference is that you're doing it deliberately to get some distance between her and your wounded pride. She's doing it because she is oblivious." Prim unleashes this salvo almost hesitantly but her eyes don't waiver. She is determined to be heard and she has me right where she wants me. "I love my sister. She's always been there for me no matter what. I'd like to return the favor someday if she'll let me. Don't give up on her, Peeta. She'll come around."
I want desperately to believe what she's saying. I want to grab hold of the possibility and savor it. The memory of their intertwined fingers stops me. The picture of her head resting beside his on the snow white tablecloth, one eye black and swollen from the blow she took for him stops me. That brief flicker that everything could be as I wanted sputters and dies. Cold reality settles back in and I nod as I come to the only decision that makes sense. "It's a nice thought, Prim. Thank you for trying to help me. I think your sister has made up her mind and we have to respect that." I retrieve the bread and climb to my feet. I manage only a few steps before her quiet voice halts me once more.
"So that's it then. You're just going to give up on her. You're not even going to fight." Prim's voice is low, so quiet that I can barely hear it. Her bewildered eyes meet mine and I wordlessly shake my head. Her jaw firms and her eyes harden at my gesture. "Then you don't deserve her. You're making a mistake, Peeta. You'll regret it if you don't change your mind. Don't let hurt pride hold you back. You've got so much to gain and you're throwing it all away."
I can't think of anything else to say except, "I'm sorry." She gives me a funny little half smile and makes her way to the backyard where her goat Lady is tethered. I watch her until she disappears around the house then make my way back to the front door. I take a deep breath and rein in my galloping nerves. They are still asleep, hands tightly linked. I watch them for another moment, my expression unintentionally sad and withdrawn. My hand finds her shoulder and I shake it gently. When her eyes find mine, I say gently, "Go on up to bed, Katniss. I'll look after him now." She mumbles something about running and yesterday. I cut her off, "I know. There's nothing to explain." She stares at me like it's the first time she has seen my face in years. I see her note the blue shadows that no doubt ring my eyes. I hardly got any sleep last night and it's more than obvious. I hear her say my name quietly and head her off once more. "Just go to bed, okay?" She nods wearily and moves toward the stairs. I watch her until she's out of sight and then sink down into her abandoned chair.
My eyes find his face. The medicine clearly still has him in its grasp. I stare at him unblinkingly for many moments, thoughts circling incessantly in my head. There is no love lost between him and myself but I will do what is right no matter how much it hurts. I told her I would look after him. I will keep that promise no matter what it costs me. I settle back in the chair, watching the slow rise and fall of his breathing...and I wait.
End Part 2
A/N This part wasn't as dark as Part 1 thankfully. It still demonstrates how lost and alone our Peeta feels at this point in the story. Some lines were taken from chapter 9, page 120 of Catching Fire...all credit for those lines go to Suzanne Collins. She owns the Hunger Games and all associated with it. I'm just playing in the sandbox. Read and review if it pleases you. Until next time, Salanderjade.