Katie left me a couple hours later. I was lying in my cozy bed just thinking about Cam. Thinking about how I never told him I loved him too, thinking about the way he touched me, kissed me, loved me. How I would never have those feelings again with anyone else. Then my sad thoughts lead to angry thoughts and even to furious thoughts.
Wasn't I a good enough reason for him to stay?! I gave him every single part of me and it still wasn't enough to make him happy. I guess he never could have been happy, not even that night he told me was the happiest moment of his life, the night he put this baby in my belly. How could he leave me like this?!
That's when it hit me. Every muscle in my body tensed and I felt a drop so deep in my stomach it was like a black hole had been placed inside of me.
No one ever told me how Cam killed himself.
I always figured he hanged himself that night. I liked to think it was a quick and painless death. One minute he was breathing and the next he was gone. Even in my dream that's how he did it. But all of a sudden my gut told me something else, that it had not been quick or painless but long and excruciating, only the work of someone who truly and deeply despised themselves. I decided it was best for me to never find out.
But why, why did he hate himself so much? He was beautiful, gentle, kindhearted, and I loved every single piece of his messed up heart. Didn't he know how much I loved him? No he didn't, because I never told him. I chickened out and now he's gone and he'll never know.
I felt the sobs creeping up my throat and the tears burning my sore eyes. I didn't want to cry again so I swallowed deep trying to get it to go away. All this pain, I just wanted it to go away. Why did Cam get a way out and I didn't? Why do I still have to be here to endure the aftermath?
I ran my fingers over my stomach. I was pregnant at fourteen… I was alone. How was I going to explain to my child where his or her father is? Could I just tell them the truth? That their father hated himself so much he took his life? That he had a mental illness that may be genetic and passed on to them. What was I going to say to my little piece of Cam when they don't understand why he didn't stay for them?
If I gave the baby up for adoption I wouldn't have to answer any of these questions. I could continue to play the cello and go to school and be in a band and the adoptive parents would handle the questions that wouldn't come until much later.
But then the question would be, if my mother loved me so much why didn't she keep me?
What was the answer to that? She was a selfish bitch.
"I'm not going to give you up." I whispered quietly to my stomach. "Never in a million years."
With this resolution sleep finally started to set in. I had just closed my eyes when my alarm clock went off.
It was Friday, the day of my first check up with Dr. Pierce.
So an overly tired, pregnant me went through school in a daze. Depressed from my dream last night and stressed by the idea of seeing the doctor. I knew all these bad emotions were probably bad for the baby.
My morning sickness had not gotten better at all but if nothing else had gotten worse. I was usually in the bathroom all through first period puking up my breakfast. Needless to say my grade was not the best.
My mom couldn't even go with me to my first appointment so Katie took me. I was really scared. What if all the stress I've been putting on myself hurt the baby. I expressed my fears to Katie while we were waiting for the doctor to come in; she told me that I just needed to relax.
Then there was a knock on the door. "Hi, I'm Dr. Elizabeth Pierce and I'll be helping you through the next couple of months."
"I'm Maya Matlin," I said shaking her hand "And this is my sister Katie."
"I'd know you two girls anywhere," she said with a smile "I remember the day you were born."
Her smile was warm and her words were kind but they just made me feel guilty. Fourteen years ago this women helped my mother bring me into this word. I was just a baby, small, innocent, and I had never been scarred. My mother and father vowed to protect me from harm that day but your parents can't protect you forever. And here I am as proof, a pregnant little girl.
She went through my medical history and did a couple tests.
"How many weeks are you?" she asked.
"Fourteen," I answered, frowning at the irony.
She nodded and smiled "An exciting point in the pregnancy. Now lay back and relax, this may be a little cold." She said smearing some kind of gel on me. I knew what she was doing, I had seen it in movies, but she still explained as she worked.
"This is an ultrasound; you'll be getting these a lot over the next couple months. For now I'm just making sure everything is looking okay, checking on the baby's heart rate and development mostly. Hopefully by next month we'll be able to see the gender of the baby." She was so excited, I was 98% confused. "Have you felt a kick yet?"
I shook my head.
"You will very soon, babies usually respond to sounds they find soothing. Try singing to him or her. At this stage the baby is really coming to life. The baby may even hiccup inside of you as he or she is practicing breathing. He or she even has finger prints."
"Oh Maya!" Katie gasped looking up at the screen.
Finally I looked myself and there it was, a tiny, living, breathing baby. Suddenly everything felt even more real, this was my little baby.
Katie's eyes filled with tears but mine remained dry. I was still awed though by the love I felt for this thing growing inside of me.
"Your baby is developing just fine." Dr. Pierce said as she wiped off my stomach. "Would you like a picture of the sonogram?"
"Of course" Katie answered for me.
"Alright, now there are just a couple more issues to cover." Dr. Pierce continued grabbing her clipboard. "At such a young age, developmental issues are very likely. I don't mean to scare you, but just make sure you are taking very good care of yourself. No junk food, and don't put too much stress on yourself."
I gave her a small nod, like that was going to happen.
"Is the father in the picture?"
I swallowed and looked down trying to ignore the pain in my heart.
"The father passed away a couple months ago… before Maya even found out she was pregnant." Katie answered for me again.
"I'm terribly sorry for your loss." Dr. Pierce said and then she wrapped me in a hug.
This was more uncomfortable than when she put her fingers up my vagina…
When she finally released me she gave me a sympathetic smile. "You're due date is roughly November 22. Can I go ahead and schedule you for another visit next month?"
"Uh yeah Katie could you go make my appointment while I get dressed?" I asked her.
She nodded and she and Dr. Pierce left me to my thoughts.
When I got home I went straight to my room. Most kids my age went out on Friday nights but I had never been one for that anyway. I was flipping through old pictures on my phone. Pictures of me and Cam before everything went crazy and that's when I stumbled upon the video. The last time I would see Campbell Saunders alive.
"Good morning Maya Matlin…"
Then something miraculous happened. At first I didn't know what it was, the tiny push from inside my stomach. I put my hand on my stomach and waited. It was kicking; the baby was kicking just like Dr. Pierce said and it was kicking at the sound of its father's voice.
I stopped the video and my mouth dropped. I pressed play again, the baby kicked again.
"Katie!" I screamed.
She ran in "What is it?!"
"The baby, come here." I placed her hand on my stomach where I had felt the kick then pressed play on my phone.
"Good morning Maya Matlin…" It kicked like crazy.
"Oh my god Maya! The baby is kicking!" tears filled her eyes once again and I rolled my eyes.
"It'll probably get old after a while…" I shrugged.
"No it will never get old! That is my little niece or nephew in there!" She grinned at me.
"Okay if you're gonna cry can you leave me alone, I don't need stress remember?"
"Right, sorry. I should probably go." She stood up and then reached a hand out and pinched my cheek. "You're going to be the best mom in the world Maya, I know it."
Then she left me alone.
I pressed play on my phone again. This time there wasn't any kicking; I guess the baby got tired. So I just sat back, closed my eyes and listened to the sweet sound of Cam's voice.
AN: Hey everyone this will probably be my last chapter until next weekend. I have rehearsal for a play every night this week. That may not stop me though so stay tuned! Reviews are greatly appreciated!