The First Day Of School And Reasons To Miss It
"The world is harsh / I'm stuck in the dark"
Ed Sheeran, "Spark"
(To be continued!)
The last day before school starts is spent, for me, lying under the covers in my bed and wishing I had never left Italy earlier this summer, because if I hadn't gone to America in the first place I never would have had to go back to Italy and I never would have met Antonio on the plane, and then... and then I never would've turned gay! It makes sense, right...?
It doesn't, I know, but what does it matter? It works for me. Just blame it all on America. Actually, just blame it all on going to visit my parents-no, just blame it all on my parents, because it's all their fault anyways! Everything is their fault!
A knock comes from my door. I don't even bother asking who it is, I just shout at them to leave me alone. It's probably Nonno anyways, and I don't want to talk to him, at all, ever. I know he's disappointed in me. I can just tell. Sure, he may pretend that he's just worried about me, but I know he's disappointed I didn't turn out perfect like Feli. Even Romeo's better than me; at least he's not gay.
"Fratello?" comes Romeo's voice from outside the door, soft and slightly scared. He's worried about what I might do. He's disappointed in me too, probably. I'm no good as a big brother; I never have been, and never will be. "Can I come in?"
"No," I try to say, but my throat is too choked with tears. I'm so awful. I fail as a brother, as a son, a grandson, a person-probably the only person who likes me now is Antonio, and I don't... I can't... No, just don't think about him, Lovi! ...no. Lovino. Not Lovi. I told you not to think about him!
"Lovino?" comes Romeo once more.
I lift my head up from under the covers. "Just go away," I tell him tiredly. "Leave me alone." I hear his small, quiet footsteps retreat down the stairs and I feel a pang of regret. Throwing the covers off of myself, I run to my bedroom door, unlock it, and throw it open.
"Romeo, wait!" I call after him. He whirls around on the stairs, nearly losing his balance and sending a fearful tremor down my spine. "It's not going to be like last time," I tell him gently. "So don't worry about me. I won't leave you like Mom and Dad did, okay?" I meet his eyes and hold them, trying to reassure him. After a moment or so, he nods, then continues walking down the stairs, and I know I've failed at being a big brother. Again. I retreat back into my room and hide under the covers once more.
(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')
"I don't want to go to school," I tell Nonno. I'm standing in the doorway leading into the kitchen while Nonno makes breakfast.
"You have to," Nonno tells me without looking up. His voice is curt and rather unfriendly. He's mad at me. As usual.
"Why? It's not like I learn anything there."
"That doesn't change the fact that you have to go."
"Why go somewhere to learn if I'm not learning anything?" I ask. Maybe my voice is to flat and expressionless, because the slams a fist on the counter next to the stove. He looks... frustrated. In me. Fuck, why am I such a failure?
"Because you have friends there," he says finally. "You need to be around people your own age, Lovino. You can't just wander the streets of Rome and pick up strange men and-"
"Fuck you!" I yell, turning and storming from the room. "You don't know anything!"
"I know more than you think, Lovino Vargas!" He follows after me, yelling now too. "I know about being a teenager; I was one once, and it was much harder to be gay back then than it is-"
"I'm not gay!" I yell, running up the stairs and locking myself in the nearest bathroom. There are angry tears trying their damnedest to escape from my eyes, but I won't let them. I won't cry, not ever again. Only girls cry, right? So then I'd be gay if I cried-and I'm not fucking gay! At all! What's a good way to become not gay... I could... I could watch porn, I guess. Don't most teenage guys watch porn? Wait, does it make me gay if I don't?! Fuck fuck fuck!
"Lovino! Lovino, come out of there! Talk to me!" calls Nonno from outside the bathroom. He knocks urgently on the door and I'm just about to respond when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out to see a text from Antonio. A whirlwind of emotion rushes through me: first shock, then joy, then nervousness, then fear, and then it's all replaced by an uneasy standing-on-the-edge-of-heaven-or-hell feeling. I manage to shove it down to the pit of my stomach, where it is easily ignored, and then actually read the text:
You okay? Sorry about yesterday. :(
I throw the phone across the room and into the bathtub, where it's cover pops off. As soon as I realize what I've done, I crawl speedily forward and pull the phone from the tub, snapping it's cover back into place. I check it anxiously to see if anything's broken and then quickly type a reply to Antonio, nothing more than: I'm fine.Then I wait with bated breath for him to reply. I feel like a three-year-old waiting for Christmas or something else important like that.
Good! Will I see you today?
Hurriedly, I press reply and say Maybe. In the school I go to, Vargas Academy, a school of Nonno's design, we usually stay in dorms on the school grounds because the school is a ways away from the city and people come from all over the world to learn there. But, Rome isn't that far away, and I can ask to drive Nonno's car, if I really wanted to see him. Wait! I don't want to see him! What am I thinking?! I somehow resist the urge to throw the phone out the window and instead stick it in my pocket.
"Lovino! Lovino, will you please answer me? Lovino!"
I get up with a sigh and walk to the door, pressing my ear against it so that I can hear him better. "I hear you, Nonno," I say softly. "I don't want to talk about it." I say curtly, before he can start talking to me again. "Just... just leave me alone for a bit, okay?"
"Lovino-" he starts, his voice all parental and caring.
"Just drop it," I say sharply. He hesitates for a moment, then sighs and moves away from the door. I reach for the knob and unlock it, then slowly walk out to have him envelope me in a hug.
"I love you, Lovino," he says softly into my hair. I don't return the hug, and I don't look him in the eyes, because I know that if I do I might start crying.
(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')
"School sucks," I moan to 're sitting in one of the many classes we share-why do we have so many, seriously?-copying the blackboard. Well, we're supposed to be copying the blackboard, but really we're just passing notes and interestingly pervy drawings back and forth between each other to see which one of us laughs first.
"It's true," she says, looking at me sharply. "But you could appreciate it more. Just because you're some rich guy doesn't mean you don't have to go to should be grateful."
"Bella, you're such a pity-party-pooper," I say, watching the teacher to make sure she doesn't come over and whack us with a piece of paper because we're talking.
"Well, it's a good thing then, because if I wasn't here who knows what you'd do," She draws a quick 10 on her piece of paper and then looks at me. I wince.
"You're so tactless." I tell her, absentmindedly planning out the next chapter for my novel in my notebook. "I wonder how you even have a girlfriend." She passes the piece of paper we've been writing on to me and I absently draw an extremely graphic picture that makes her clap her hand over her mouth in an effort not to laugh out loud. "I especially wonder considering your reaction to this picture." I say with a smirk. I shade the picture a little bit and she looks at me like, "Wow, Lovino. Just wow."
"Why are you so good at drawing?" someone behind me moans as he peeks at the picture. "That was just a doodle and it looks so erotic!"
I smirk. "I'm just naturally talented when it comes to this sort of thing." I try my best to make it seem as if I mean looking at erotic things in person and not just drawing them off of interesting manga. "Now fuck off, bastard." I turn back to face the front of the room to find the teacher giving me the stink eye. I give her a charming smile and blow her a kiss, and the rest of the class dissolves into teacher herself blushes because no one's ever had the audacity to flirt with her before, especially not in class, and I quickly turn and get rid of the piece of paper before she can come over and kill me for it.
Fuck, I really hate school...
Once the class is over, Bella and I part ways-a good thing, if you ask me, since it was starting to get a little tense between us-and I head to my next class, which is creative writing. I'm really excited, because our last creative writing teacher got fired over the summer for being an asshole-well, being an asshole to me, so I had Nonno fire him-and I wonder if the new teacher will be nice or awful or what. After all, I don't want to let just anyone read my short stories that I write just for the class-though I'll let anyone on the internet read my real story.
On my way there, I pause at my locker to grab a couple notebooks in which to write down any helpful information the teacher has to offer, and then I hurry back to the class. Sadly, even though my grandfather owns the school, I can still be late to class and all that bullshit. Life is so unfair. I open the door quickly, then nearly trip on the little step that leads into the room, for whatever reason, drawing all the eyes in the room towards myself. I swear under my breath at the stupid fucking step, why was it even put there, and then I look up. Time seems to suddenly stand still as I look to the teacher's desk and see a familiar gorgeous face, topped with familiar dark hair, holding familiar brilliant green eyes and familiar perfect lips that I nearly kissed two days ago. Those gorgeous eyes widen slightly as he sees me, and those lips part slightly in astonishment, and that man begins to move towards me, but before he can I step back over the threshold, falling down the step to land in an unsightly puddle on the floor. I scramble to my feet and then run back down the hallway all the way around the corner so that I can try to calm down and figure out what the fuck just happened.
Was that seriously Antonio? Antonio is my new teacher? My teacher?!
"Fuck," I mutter quietly to myself. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." It's like Fate or whatever's out there is bending the broken pieces of me to see how long it'll take before I truly break, completely into pieces.
I pull my knees up to my chest and try to explain it away. He's a sub. He's a student who was standing behind the desk as a joke. He's the school secretary. He's not my teacher. I met him on a plane and he said he was here for school. He must be a college intern. He's definitely not my teacher. Definitely.
"He's my teacher," I finally mumble against the uncomfortable pants that are my school uniform. "I should've known that this couldn't last. Only Feli's life is perfect. Mine's just perfectly awful." Tears start burning in the backs of my eyes.
"Lovi?" a sudden voice asks, nearly causing me to jump straight out of my skin. "Oh, it is you!" How can he sound so happy? Can't he hear the pieces of my heart breaking? "I thought it was you but I couldn't really see you because you left the room so fast so I asked the other students and they said that it was you, and-"
"Shut up!" I half yell. He looks down at me, seeming rather surprised at my outburst, then crouches down next to me, looking curiously into my face.
"Are you crying?" he asks, voice solemn. Well, solemn for him.
"N-no, bastard..." I mumble, trying to wipe my eyes without him noticing.
"I'm sorry!" he wails suddenly, wrapping his arms around me and trying to squeeze the soul out of me. "I didn't mean to- I should have asked what school you were going to, but I thought you were a college student, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
I shove him harshly away and try to catch my breath. "S-sorry doesn't cut it, tomato bastard!" I glare at him. "Just leave me alone, okay?!"
He looks at me with big deer eyes, all innocent and pet-me-I'm-just-a-cute-little-animal. "Have I ruined your day, Lovi?" he asks sadly, as if he can't think of anything worse in the entire universe.
"You've ruined more than my day," I say frostily, which is funny since the tears in my eyes are so damn warm. "You've ruined at least my whole week." I stand up then walk down the hallway, and I'm glad that he doesn't follow me, because I really don't want him to see me cry.
I walk quickly to Eliza and Bella's shared dorm room and throw myself onto one of their beds. They won't mind; half the time I stay with them during the school year anyways, so it's not like it's unusual. Even me skipping class isn't all that unusual, if I've had a bad day. Oh, but if they find me in here then they'll know I've had a bad and keep bugging me about it... I'll just have to leave before they show up.
With that thought, I fall into an exhausted and thankfully Antonio-free sleep.
(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')
While I'm asleep, I have a strange dream. I'm in a plain white room full of plain white chairs. For some reason, I am both inside my body and watching myself from what seems to be the corner of the room. I'm waiting for news, hoping for good news, but expecting bad. At some point, someone comes in and tells me something, but I don't see their face, and I don't hear what they say. I'm not even sure they come. All I know is that I get bad news, and tears well in my eyes and begin to spill down my cheeks.
When I wake up, there are real tears streaming down my cheeks, and I feel inexplicably sad, though I have no idea why. Did I have a bad dream or something? I try to remember, but all I see is white. I'm just about to get out of the bed when the door to the dorm opens and Eliza come flouncing in, looking excited and happy to be alive, meaning she must've just whacked someone with her frying pan. The instant she sees me, her smile falls down to the floor, to be replaced by a worried expression. I wonder why for a moment, until I realize that there are still tears tracing down my cheeks.
"This isn't what it looks like," I start to say, but all that I manage is "this" before she has run over and glomped me, asking me what happened and if she has to go whack someone else with her frying pan for me. I squirm underneath her, wanting to tell her that no one has done anything to me when really Antonio kinda has, mostly by not telling me he's a fucking teacher.
"Lovino, why're you crying?!" she wails into my shoulder, acting as if she's the one who needs comforting, not me.
"I had a dream and I started crying, okay? In the dream, I mean. Fucking Christ, Eliza, why are you acting like this?" I try not to start crying for real. The fact that she's hugging me, like she really, really cares makes me want to either throw up or wrap my arms around her and cry.
She looks up into my face and says, "Yeah, sure. Why else are you crying, and how come you weren't in any of the other classes you share with Bella? Or Michelle?"
"N-no reason..." I mumble, looking away from her eyes. With my peripheral vision I see her roll her own green eyes.
"Right, sure," she says sarcastically. "I totally buy that, Lovino. Now tell me what actually happened or I'll hit you with my frying pan." She has this look in her eyes that lets me know that she fucking means it, and so I mumble out, "My brother called and said that he couldn't come for Christmas," I tell her. Feli doesn't usually come for Christmas, but Eliza doesn't know that, and she believes it, as far as I can tell.
"That's all you were worried about?" she asks with a derisive sigh. "You're so touchy-feely, Lovino."
"I am not!" I growl. "Now leave me alone. I'm tired." Tired of trying not to cry, that is.
"I'm not leaving you alone!" she says fiercely, wrapping her arms even more tightly around me as if she's conspiring with Antonio to squeeze the soul out of me.
Oh shit... why did I think about him... A tear squeezes itself out of my left eyes, then slowly, determinedly makes its way down my cheek to land in Eliza's hair.
"You need a friend to talk to, Lovino, and I swear on my porn that I will not tell a soul what you tell me." She makes it seems as if it's actually going to happen. It's not, of course. I wouldn't ever tell anyone something like this.
"Great, well, if I ever need someone to talk to, I'll make sure to find you," I tell her tersely, sitting up and shoving her away from me. "Until then, mind your own fucking business!" And with that, I stomp straight out of the room.
Ack, I don't know what to do with this chapter! It's where the action REALLY starts, so I hope it's good! -_-" Anyways, review, fav, follow, and then you can get homemade pepperoni pizza! Or any toppings really, especially if you like cheese. I like cheese. SO YEAH! Review for pizza! :)