Chapter Sixteen

Beginning of the End

"You know I got to get away

To find some peace and sanity."

Ed Sheeran, "Pause"

I don't acknowledge Nonno at all the next morning. I'm too mad at him for something like that. In all honesty, if I could walk right through him then I damn well would.

I don't eat anything either, and it's not because of some weird idea that "I'll starve myself until he lets Antonio stay" or some dumbass shit, it's just because I'm not hungry. Well, no I am hungry, I just feel like if I eat something then I'll throw up.

Has it happened yet?

Has what happened?

If it hasn't happened yet then I don't want to spoil it.

Oh. Okay.

I put my book down. No, I throw it down, onto the floor. Is this what long-distance relationships are like? Skyping? Texting? Trying to sync movies together but not quite getting it?

I want to talk to Antonio to complain about this, but he's the reason I'm looking this stuff up in the first place.

Why did Nonno have to do this…? Or rather, why are my mother and father even fucking here?! Why don't they just leave already? They're never going to get Feli back, and they don't want me or Romeo, so why do they even bother with it at this point?

Maybe I should call Antonio. Maybe I should call him and just... say hi… ask how he is… see if he wants to do something with me today… since today is the last damn time we'll have to do anything!

Antonio will have to leave soon. I'm not sure yet if Nonno told him, but he will have to leave. I will not be able to help him pack up, I'm sure. Why would I be? I'm just his student.

He'll pack up his apartment. All of his clothes, and his toothbrush… and probably the bed we had sex on, huh…? What will he do with that?!

I feel like a person really close to me just died. Why is this even happening? Why couldn't I have been born a couple months earlier? Why couldn't he have been a couple years younger? Why couldn't my mother and father have… died in a car accident or something…?

Speaking of my mother and father, apparently they're still following us around. I wouldn't know; I haven't gone anywhere for them to follow me to.

Today is the first day of school since Antonio was… maybe fired? I don't even know if he's been fired yet. I haven't spoken to Nonno for two days- basically, ever since we had our talk and my father was a douchebag.

I dress up today- well, kind of. I put on un-ripped skinny jeans, a tight, v-neck t-shirt that I'm not sure I look good in but whatever, and I even kinda do my hair. Like, properly. With gel. I'm looking absolutely gay this morning, but hopefully it's a sexy kind of gay. Maybe Antonio will like it…?

The drive to school is quiet and tense. It would be tenser if Feliciano and Romeo had gotten the memo that I'm pissed off at Nonno and more sad than I've ever been, but oh well. I guess it's better that they're excited. Romeo hasn't seen Lili in a weekend, which is apparently a travesty, and Feli is cheerful most of the time anyway.

Once in school, everything seems to get at least a hundred times worse. Eliza and Bella keep coming up to me and pressing me for the latest that's happened in my sad life (which I don't want to tell for the obvious reason of that I don't want to fucking think about it) and Michelle has decided that apparently now the only way to deal with my gayness is to stop ignoring it and instead act like it's a closely guarded secret between the two of us even though everyone knows because she told them all.

Finally comes the period of Antonio's class. I shuffle nervously around in front of the door at first, but then I just jump in, and what to? Some awkward, shuffling old man with huge glasses that looks at me and says, "Oh, hello there… I'll be your substitute creative writing teacher for today… good afternoon…"

I nearly start crying (again) but I manage to get control of myself, walking right past him and into my usual seat.

As the rest of the people file into the class, I raise my hand and say- in a surprisingly normal voice - "Where's Ant- I mean, the usual teacher?"

"The usual teacher- Oh, he's been offered a job somewhere else." The teacher shuffles some papers on his desk, and I scowl. Fucking Nonno.

"Anyway," the teacher says. "From the notes Mr. Carriedo left, I see that you've left off doing short stories of your own choice. I've decided to change that; you must now write a short story that fits clearly into these loose guidelines…"

I sigh, teetering back in my chair. Maybe I'll die in my sleep today and then this will all be over.

(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')

I text Antonio once school has ended and he tells me that he's in his room, so I head over there as quickly as I can to avoid Nonno and Feliciano and basically everyone but him.

When I get there, though, Francis- yes, Michelle's creepy older brother -and Gilbert -yes, my gross-almost cousin thing -are there as well as Antonio. They're packing things into boxes and talking and laughing, as if this whole thing isn't heartbreaking.

"Wait, is this the one?!" Gilbert asks as I walk in. "He's my cousin. Damn, son," he says, and I flip him off with a vengeance.

Francis looks up too, then grins. "Mon dieu, Lovino. I didn't know you had it in you to date a teacher."

"Shut the hell up, fuckface," I snap back.

Antonio pokes his head out from the bathroom. "I knew I recognized your sultry tones," he says mischievously, and I flush.

"Fuck you. Also, I think we need to talk."

He shares a glance with Francis and Gilbert, then comes around the corner, carrying a half-full box. "Okay then," he says, setting it down and coming up to me. I grab his hand and pull him out into the hall.

"You told them?" I hiss in an undertone, looking about for someone who might find our interaction suspicious.

He shrugs, looking regretful. "They're my friends, and I only told them it was a student yesterday, when I told them I was leaving."

I huff, crossing my arms and looking away. A short, silent moment passes, then I mutter, "...Sorry."

"For what?"

"Nonno… found out." I squeeze my eyes shut. "I'm sorry, I made you lose your job!"

He places a hand on my shoulder, then quickly removes it in case anyone is around. "It's not your fault. It was bound to happen eventually. It was doomed from the start."

"But I'll be eighteen in March!" I protest, meeting his eyes again. "If we had just… slowed down a bit-"

"No, it'll be fine. We can text and keep in touch, okay? And then when you've graduated, you can come see me again."

I sigh deeply. "Fine… I guess… But long-distance doesn't usually work out-"

"We'll make it work," he says firmly. "You and me can do it, yeah?"

"...Yeah, I guess."

I don't mean to sound so doubtful, but I can't help it. Long-distance never works, even in stupid chick-flick movies.

He ruffles my hair (fucking dammit, I styled that you whore) then says, "Go back to your room now. I have to finish packing."

"Yeah, yeah."

I watch him walk away, a mournful look on my face. I feel like an abandoned puppy.

He turns back around, smiling at me. "Oh, and you look very nice today, Lovi."

I flush once more, then raise my middle fingers in a two-handed salute.

"Fuck you."

(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')

Getting on the plane now!

ok

I'll have to stop texting you soon, so if there's anything you really need to tell me…

I don't love you. Eat good food and think of me

Okay then… Goodbye.

bye, fucker

I bury my head in my pillow and try to pretend that I'm not crying, even though I'm the only one in the room. Why does he have to go… why… it's not fair… it's not fair at all…

I sob, then breathe deeply and try to calm down. No. I'll be okay. I'll be fine. I was fine before I met him, and I'll be fine after he's gone. Yeah. I'm strong!

...But I wasn't fine before I met him- I was a mess. I am a mess, and I'll always be a mess, won't I?

It's all my damn parents' fault! Goddamn them, goddamn their stupid, weird thing where only one can be chosen, fuck them and their stupid idiot-ness and their nosy bossiness even though they haven't actually been my parents since… ever. Fuck them!

I sit up, then pull my phone from my pocket and check the time. I wonder how long the plane ride will be, and when I can talk to Antonio again. Maybe I can sleep until then. How many hours will that be…?

I miss him already, and he's barely been gone. He practically isn't gone, and yet he's already so far away.

There's a knock on my door, and then Feli lets himself in. Romeo pads in behind them, and they line themselves up at the end of my bed, looking uncertain and awkward, but determined.

I glare at them. "What is it? What d'you want?" I throw myself back in my bed, grabbing my messy blankets and pulling them over my head.

"We need to talk," Feli says, voice high but determined.

"About what?" I moan, feeling sorry for myself.

"About… about Mama and Papa," Feli said, voice quivering.

Instantly, I shot up, looking from one to the other of them in shock. "What?! What about them? What about those fucking, stupid, cock-sucking-"

"I… think that I want to go with them. To New York." Romeo murmured, looking down at the ground.

"What?!" I repeat loudly.

"Well… well…" Romeo looked up into my eyes, very determined. "I think I would like to try. With them. I have never had… a mother before." Tears welled in his eyes, but he blinked and wiped them away roughly with his sleeve.

"Are you sure?" I asked, more gentle this time. "What about Lili?"

He sniffs. "We're going to try long-distance. It's not like we do much together anyway, what with her brother and all."

I stare at him for a moment, then stare down at my hands, which are clenched around my phone and resting in my lap. Then I look back up at him. "Are you sure?" I ask. I want to make absolute certain. Romeo is my baby brother, and I might not show it often- or ever -but… I really do love him.

He nods, just once, and very softly. "Yeah. I am sure."

I sigh, then shrug. "Well… okay then. I… I hope you find it to your liking."

There is silence for a moment, and Feli turns and starts walking to the door, but before he can reach it Romeo bursts out with, "I want to try to change them! I want them to love us all, and I think I can convince them. I… I… I'll get them to invite you all over for Christmas, and dammit, you'll come, and we'll be a happy family!" Tears fill his eyes once more, but this time they streak down his cheeks, and he lets them.

I smile slightly, and though I feel like I should, I don't cry. "Okay, fratellino. I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job at that, and… I'll buy you a good Christmas present. Si?"

He nods. "S-si," he stammers, and then he leaps forward and hugs me tightly. In a matter of seconds, Feli is there too, jumping on top of him, and the three of us fall back onto my bed.

I reach up to hug them as well, but I don't let go of my phone. I can't bring myself to let it go, even to hold them; it's my one link to Antonio.

(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')

It takes only a week- a small, short week -to figure out why people say long distance never works.

I suppose if Antonio and I had never really met in person, it would be so much easier to do, because we would be used to it by now, but I am used to him hugging me and kissing me and I'm used to hearing his rich voice in person, not over Skype.

I just want to hold him. Is that so hard to understand? It's, like, an ache in my soul, a really painful ache, this fucking powerful wanting to just wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder and slowly feel our hearts beat together, and feel his breath ruffle my hair and his chest go in and out, matching it.

I want to reach out and grab his hand and feel it, warm and tough, wrap around mine, intertwining our fingers as if we are praying- praying together, not alone. Together, not apart.

I do my best not to speak to Nonno, or to speak to him as little as I can. I do, however… talk to Francis and Gilbert. They're terrible company, unruly and perverted and Gilbert is always making "cousinly" passes at me- like trying to grab my ass, that stupid bitch -but they talk to Antonio too, and they used to hang out with him, going out drinking and dancing and partying. They would always try to set him up with friends or random people at bars, but he would always say that he couldn't, that he was taken. Now that they know about me and him, they know why.

Antonio is so nice. He's so nice in the way he acts, and the way he speaks, and the way he… exists. I don't know… I just love him, okay? I just do, and I guess I kind of didn't think about it for a while- the loving him -but now I do. Now that he's gone I do. What's that quote about not knowing what you have until it's too late?

We still talk to each other, over text and over Skype. He's living in New York with his parents, and he said that he'd introduce us sometime, probably when I was y'know, legal. Well, he didn't actually say legal but I figure even he isn't so stupid that he would tell his parents he's in a long-distance relationship with his ex-student, which was the reason he lost his job in the first place.

Oh yeah, and apparently he didn't get the job Nonno said he'd give him? That's yet another reason I'm pissed at Nonno, because Antonio is jobless and mooching off of his bunny-loving parents while looking for a job. I feel like maybe I should talk to my grandfather about that, but I've decided to stick with the silent treatment, which will hopefully piss him off.

If a week without Antonio feels this long and awful, though… how will months feel? I don't think I can handle whole months if just a week makes me feel completely alone.

It's the weekend now- Saturday -so I'm sitting in my room, as usual. My laptop is in front of me, my fingers poised over the keys as if I'm about to write, but nothing comes to mind. The empty Microsoft Word doc sits in front of me, the typy-thingy blinking accusingly, as if it can't believe I haven't started yet.

I don't want to write. Or rather, I want to write, but I can't. No words come to mind, and those that do aren't good ones. They sit on the paper like warts on a toad, looking ugly and incomplete, and leading nowhere.

Fuck. This is stupid. Why did this even have to happen?

For the first time in what seems like forever, I get up and go out of my room, all the way downstairs and to the living room, where Nonno and Feli and Romeo are all playing some stupid card game. I don't go in. Instead, I peek through the doorway and watch them. They sure do look happy together, without me. They don't seem to mind that I'm not there, do they? Figures. I'm just depressing and annoying, aren't I? And worrisome, because they all still think I'll kill myself, or cut myself.

Cut myself? I've never done that before… I've heard of other people doing it. What if I tried? It can't be that hard, and it's not like I'm a stranger to pain. I've been hurt before- physically hurt, as well as emotionally.

I glance back into the living room as a particularly loud burst of laughter comes from the three other members of my family. I hesitate. Then, instead of walking up to the bathroom, I walk slowly inside. Feli notices me first, and pats the floor next to him, since they're all sitting on the floor around the coffee table. Half unwillingly, half not, I walk forward and sit next to him, and they immediately deal me in.

"We're playing Go Fish," Romeo says excitedly. He's got two cards clutched in his hand and a pile of matched on the table next to him. "I'm winning!"

"No you're not!" Feli says, gesturing to his own pile of matches. "I am!"

"I have more than you, I just counted!"

"No I do!" Feli insists.

"I have the most," Nonno says joyfully, grabbing his pile of matches and fanning it in front of our faces.

Romeo grabs the cards from him and throws them up in the air, and then there are stupid playing cards everywhere and Feli keeps shrieking about fifty-two card pick up, and Nonno keeps yelling about how he's won, and even I find myself laughing along with them.

(','(','(','('.')';')';')';')

A month passes as easily as a fish passes through a stream, and suddenly there's only two weeks till Christmas.

Our parents have gone back to New York- they went weeks ago, but for the longest time we didn't know because they didn't like call to tell us or anything, so we were all expecting them to run in one day and demand we give Feli back, but that never happened, so that's good.

Oh, but Nonno decided that it would be a good idea if me, Feli, Romeo, and Ludwig spent some time together bonding or something. Of course, he didn't know that at that time Ludwig and Feli were dating… Urgh, that stupid, gross German, with his bright blue eyes and his square jaw and slicked-back hair… I have no idea what Feli sees in him, and I have no idea what Nonno sees in his weird grandpa, who's got serious like past-shoulder-length hair but still looks all manly. He looks exactly like Ludwig too, and I have no idea where the hell Gilbert got his okay looks. Maybe it's 'cause he's an albino?

But back to the good news! Because our parents moved back to New York and Romeo has decided he's going to live with them and turn them back into human beings instead of robots, we're going to New York for Christmas. And guess who's still in New York? Antonio!

I haven't told him yet that I'm going to be there, because I've decided to surprise him. He's got a job now, and I know where he works, so I'm going to go out and just walk in. He works in like this coffee shop during the day (and at a bar during the night) and so I'll just go up and order something. He'll be so surprised… and I'll probably have to wait for his shift to end, but then he'll hug me and kiss me, like I've been missing.

I mean, n-not missing! I haven't been missing it! …Well, okay, maybe a little bit of missing. But not a lot.

Right now, I'm busy packing my bag to go to New York. And packing Feli's, because he's busy helping Romeo pack up all his stuff. We haven't actually technically told my parents that Romeo is now moving in with them, but we figure once we just shove him into Feli's old room they won't be able to say no, now will they? Well, they will be able to say no, but we'll just tell them to fuck themselves or something.

I think Nonno is sad about Romeo leaving. He keeps moping around the house and starting the batter for cookies, then stopping and moping again. So far, Feli has finished baking three batches of cookies for him, and they were all very delicious.

Romeo's sad about leaving too, but he keeps saying that this is something that he needs to do, blah blah blah. Of course, this would be a bit more normal if he didn't just randomly show up and look into my eyes and be like "This is something I have to do, Lovino."

I'm too happy about seeing Antonio to be very sad about another stupid brother leaving, and Feli is sad but as cheerful as ever, especially since Ludwig just bought him a gift: a heart-shaped phone charm. Color me yuck. But color Feli as excited as a stupid little bitch, because he's practically made like a shrine for the damn thing. In fact, during our latest math test, he clutched at it and whispered like a little phone charm prayer. The freak.

We're leaving for New York tomorrow, early in the morning, like at six. We'll get to New York at like nine in the morning, and then we'll drop our stuff off at my parents' house and… go… shopping.

Yes.

We're going shopping.

In New York.

...You don't get much gayer than that, do you?

Speaking of gay, while we're shopping or something I'll be able to slip away and see Antonio, for the first time in like forever. I try not to admit it, but I'm super excited… Of course, I have to try and keep this from Nonno, because if he finds out that I'm going to see Antonio he'll flip and make me stay in Rome.

Feli comes into the room suddenly while I'm zipping up my freshly-packed duffel bag.

"You can't go see Antonio," he blurts out.

I whirl around at the sound of his voice. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"I know that Antonio's in New York, and you can't go see him!"

I frown, trying not to act as if I know what he's talking about. "Antonio? What about him?"

"I've been reading the texts you send him, Lovi, and I know that he's in New York and I figured you'd go and see him, and I have to tell you that you can't, okay? You can't. Nonno's already sad enough as it is that he had to fire Antonio, and make you sad, and now he's even sadder because Romeo's leaving, and you just… can't see Antonio!"

I gape at him. "You've been reading my texts?!" I think back to a certain night when our texts were… um… i-interesting. "What the fuck, Feli?"

He flushes. "Wh-what the fuck yourself! You just can't do it, okay?" He walks forward, grabbing onto my hand. "Okay?"

I scowl at him. "I'll do whatever I damn well please!"

He frowns. "If you do, then I'll tell Nonno."

"If you tell Nonno on me," I say triumphantly, "I'll tell him that you're dating Ludwig."

He blushes bright pink. "Please don't…!"

"Then don't tell on me!"

He hesitates for a moment, then straightens up and puffs out his chest. "I'll tell him anyway."

I huff. "Yeah right"

He huffs back. "I will!"

"I don't believe you."

"Well, it's your funeral, then!" He frowns- still managing to look cute, fuck him -and then leaves the room. I flip him off when his back is turned, then grab my duffel and throw it to the floor.

"I'm still going to see Antonio…" I mutter to myself. "So there." I cross my arms, then sit back down on the bed. I'm suddenly uncertain. Sometimes… Feli is randomly brave, braver than I could ever be.

...Should I see Antonio? Or should I wait? I want to see him, but… Nonno.

…

Fuck.

A/N Sorry that this is so filler-y! *cries* Oh, and also, there's now going to be a Christmas arc sort of thing, so there will be more chapters than I've been promising recently! So like, before I thought there would be like eighteen/nineteen/twenty, but now there will be more around... 23? Ish? Maybe? I dunno, we'll see how it pans out.

Also, I have a new laptop now, so I should be able to write more often! *CELEBRATES*

Thanks to everyone who's favorited and followed, and especially to those who've reviewed! I love you all! X3

Oh, and thanks to all guests who've reviewed as well! Or even just read! Thanks to anyone who's even bothered to read this at all!