AN: Happy Thursday, everyone! I hope you have all had a great week so far, and I certainly hope that you enjoy this new chapter!
Lexa slept throughout the entire rest of the day, only waking up once in the evening for Indra to give her another dose of medicine and another bowl of soup. Clarke wasn't surprised what with the fever that the other girl had, and the blonde had to say that she was relieved that she didn't have to deal with her roommate anymore. She still stayed beside Lexa without fail, deciding to forego getting ahead on her homework in favor of reading a book. That night, Clarke contemplated on whether or not she wanted to go back to her bed, but Lexa still hadn't let go of her hand, and Clarke figured that if this was what comforted the agitating brunette, then the blonde would stay beside her and sleep in the chair that she was sitting in.
The next morning, Clarke finally left her roommate's side to head down to breakfast. When she returned, she noticed Lexa stirring in bed, and she thought that the brunette must be waking up. Only she didn't wake up. Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion until she realized that Lexa might be having a nightmare. The brunette didn't seem particularly scared though, but rather as if she were searching for something. It only took Clarke a second to realize that that something must be her hand. The blonde made her way back over to sit beside her roommate's bed, grabbing Lexa's hand in her own. She smiled when Lexa immediately calmed down at her touch, briefly wondering why the brunette found holding Clarke's hand so comforting when she knew that Lexa couldn't stand her. She didn't have much time to contemplate this though because seconds later, Lexa was blinking open her sleepy green eyes.
"Good morning, Lexa," Clarke said softly.
She used this gentle tone in the hopes that Lexa would not be rude to her and push her away. She hoped that maybe Lexa might remain calm for her, especially after the way that Clarke had sat beside her for so long. She knew Lexa didn't work that way though and that she would most likely still think she owed Clarke nothing. The blonde watched intently, trying to get a read on Lexa's expression, and she was kind of surprised when she saw none of the usual hostility in green eyes.
"Hey." Lexa sat up blearily and rubbed at her eyes. "How long was I out?"
"You slept through the rest of the evening and all night," Clarke informed her.
"Did you stay with me all that time?" Lexa asked curiously.
Clarke paused for a moment, unsure of how Lexa would want her to answer that question. Lexa's subconscious had very obviously wanted Clarke to stay, but the blonde had no idea what the brunette would want to hear now that she was awake. Lexa was acting pretty mellow right now, but Clarke had seen her moods turn on a dime. The blonde decided that the safest option would be to go for something vague. "Most of it. How are you feeling?"
"Much better." Clarke thought that she could detect a hint of something akin to gratitude or maybe even warmth in the brunette's eyes. It was a strange sight, but it didn't go away. Clarke reached out a tentative hand to touch Lexa's forehead, and she hoped that she was not about to shatter this temporary peace. She was relieved to find that Lexa didn't flinch away, and even more so, when she felt that Lexa's temperature was back to normal.
"Your forehead doesn't feel warm anymore." Clarke removed her hand. "I think your fever is gone."
"Thanks for taking care of me," Lexa said quietly, looking down at her light purple sheets. "I'm sorry that I was so rude to you."
Clarke had to stop her mouth from dropping open in shock. Lexa was apologizing? The brunette tore through people like a hurricane, completely disregarding the damage that she left in her wake. Since when did she start caring about other people's feelings? Clarke wondered if perhaps she had been wrong and her roommate still had a fever. Whether she did or not, Clarke couldn't say that she was opposed to the way that Lexa was behaving right now. Since her roommate was being so genuine, Clarke decided to repay the favor. "I wanted to stay and take care of you, Lexa. We may not always get along, but I am trying. I was serious when I said that I wanted to help you, even when you are absolutely awful to me, and even though there are times when I want to strangle you, I really hope that someday, we can put our differences aside, especially since we both know what it's like to lose someone."
Clarke honestly expected Lexa to close up again at that moment, like she always did when Clarke tried to bring up anything relating to her loss. She expected Lexa's rage to come back ten-fold and for the brunette to yell at her, but she didn't. Lexa remained calm for the first time ever.
Green eyes finally wandered back up to meet blue. "Maybe I'm finally ready to let you in."
Clarke couldn't stop the surprise from playing out on her face this time. "Why? What changed?"
"Indra said something to me when she first came up to take my temperature," Lexa admitted, eyes never leaving Clarke's. "She told me that you care about me and that maybe I should just stop fighting it and let you in. And she's right. I started pushing everyone away because I had to. I couldn't stand to be around them anymore, but I don't have to push you away. You're different from the rest of them. You don't look at me like I'm a broken toy that needs to be fixed. You look at me like a person who might not be able to heal on her own. You understand what it's like to lose someone, and I think you might even understand me a little bit, so I'm going to let you in. I'm willing to give it a try now, and we'll see if it works."
Clarke never thought she would hear those words come out of Lexa's mouth. This was what she had been working towards after all, and even though she was aware that this could just be some weird after-effect of the fever, Clarke knew she needed to seize the moment while it was here. "Does that mean that we can be friends?"
Lexa contemplated this for a moment before responding. "We can be civil to one another when we talk. That's all that I can offer you right now. Take it or leave it."
Clarke nodded, allowing a smile to grace her features as she answered. "I'll take it."
When Clarke got to school, she walked through the hallways, looking for her friends. She hadn't seen them that morning at breakfast because she had tried to eat quickly to get back to Lexa, and they had come downstairs late, so she was extra eager now as she made her way over to where Octavia and Raven were standing beside Octavia's locker. Clarke planned to simply hang out there until the warning bell rang, and she was sure that's what her friends would be doing as well.
"Hey, guys," Clarke greeted as she walked up beside them.
"Hiya, Clarke," Raven chirped. "How was spending your entire day with Lexa yesterday?"
Clarke contemplated on whether or not to tell them about what had happened this morning, but it was too strange for even her to comprehend, so she left it out for the time being. Raven had only asked about yesterday after all. "Like you'd expect. She bitched at me, even though I was only trying to help her, and I just powered through it to be there for her. It wasn't too bad though because once she ate her soup, she was out like a light. Slept for the rest of the day."
"That's good. I'm really sorry that she's so horrible to you," Octavia said sympathetically.
"Remind me again why you volunteered yourself to stay with her?" Raven asked.
"Because she wanted me to," Clarke answered, "and because I actually think I can help her. I want to help her. If she'll let me."
Raven snorted. "That'll be the day after never."
Clarke would've agreed with the brunette only the day before, but now, as she watched Octavia close her locker door, she wasn't so sure. Not after the way that Lexa had acted this morning.
"I don't know about that. This morning, she was acting different. Almost like a normal person. I mean, she didn't say one mean word to me, and she told me that she wanted us to start being civil towards each other. More than that, it almost seemed like she wanted to get along." The warning bell sounded overhead, and the three of them groaned as they started to walk down the hall to their first period classes.
Raven shot Clarke a skeptical look in reference to what the blonde had been saying. "Are you sure that wasn't just the fever talking?"
Clarke shook her head. "Her fever was gone, but maybe it messed with her head. I mean, it was just so bizarre, and she kept shocking me with every single word out of her mouth. I was honestly expecting her to start yelling or cussing me out at any minute, but she didn't. It was like she forgot that she hated me or something."
"That is weird," Octavia said, mulling it over for a moment. "Maybe she's just doing it to mess with your head. Maybe the next time you see her, she'll be back to her usual self."
"I don't think so. She seemed really genuine. She said that she's willing to give me a shot because I act differently around her than everyone else does. I don't look at her the same." Even though Clarke had been shocked at the brunette's behavior, she couldn't say that she didn't understand where the other girl was coming from with that statement.
"Maybe that's because you didn't know Costia," Octavia suggested.
Clarke shook her head immediately, knowing that wasn't it at all. She felt like her friends weren't taking this seriously, but it was only becoming more and more serious for Clarke. Even now, Octavia had just given a disinterested half-assed reply. Octavia and Raven didn't care about trying to understand Lexa; they only cared to ridicule her. They didn't believe that Lexa would ever get any better, and Clarke was kind of hurt by that fact because that meant that they didn't believe in the blonde. It was like Lexa was this big joke to them, and Clarke was honestly a little fed up with their lack of caring when the blonde obviously cared a lot. "It's because I understand what it's like to lose someone. I don't look at her the way that everyone else does because I know what it's like. To be pitied, and it's exactly what you don't want when you lose someone, but everything you get. I have been in her shoes, and that's why I know how to handle her."
Octavia just nodded, and Raven kept walking in pursed-lipped silence, so Clarke continued her spiel. "If she wants me to try with her, then that's what I'm going to do. How would you feel about me asking her to sit with us at lunch today?"
Raven was quick to shoot down that idea. "Oh, hell no. That would be the most awkward thing ever. Even if you could get her to stop being rude for more than two seconds, it would still be weird because we weren't even close to her before the whole Costia thing."
"Exactly. That's just what she needs. You guys don't even know her and are kind of fed up with her shit, so you'd be the least likely to pity her," Clarke turned to Octavia to gauge her reaction.
The brunette looked wary. "I don't know, Clarke. I think I have to agree with Raven on this one. It would be really weird for her to just sit and have lunch with us when we've never even liked each other."
Clarke deflated a little at both of her friends' blatant rejections, but she wasn't giving up yet. "I promise it will only be this one time, and then you never have to sit with her again if you don't like her. Please?"
Raven was already rolling her eyes, but Clarke could tell that Octavia was caving by the way that her features were softening. "Fine. She can sit with us."
Raven gave her friend a bewildered look, but Octavia ignored it, nodding to Clarke as they reached the blonde's class. As she walked inside, Clarke found herself relieved that her friends had actually agreed because she had been starting to think that they wouldn't. She knew that Raven hadn't actually voiced her own agreement, but she hadn't spoken out against it either, so Clarke supposed that it was alright for her to bring Lexa to lunch with her.
"Now, if only I can get her to come," Clarke mumbled under her breath as she sank into her seat.
Clarke had been looking for Lexa all day, but the brunette girl was nowhere to be found. She started to wonder if maybe her roommate had stayed back at the house for one last recovery day, but Lexa hadn't said anything to her about it, and honestly, that didn't sound like something the brunette would do. However, Clarke hadn't seen a single glimpse of her roommate all day, and she was tired of looking. Besides, it was lunch time already, so it was kind of too late. How was Clarke supposed to ask Lexa to eat lunch with her and her friends when she couldn't even find the other girl in the first place? She huffed in frustration, giving up on looking for Lexa and heading out to the courtyard to join her friends. It was at that exact moment that she saw a splash of familiar brunette curls out of the corner of her eye, and she noticed Lexa standing at what could only be her tall navy blue locker, retrieving her lunch. Clarke hurried over to meet her roommate before the brunette had a chance to disappear again.
"Lexa, hey," Clarke said as Lexa was closing her locker door.
Lexa turned to the blonde with a frustrated growl. "What the hell are you doing here, Clarke?"
Clarke's brows furrowed in confusion. "I thought we were being civil."
"Not at school. I don't want anyone to actually see me talking to you. Go away," Lexa snarled in that aggressive way that was so familiar to Clarke.
Clarke sighed. This was the Lexa that she was used to. For a split second, the blonde entertained the idea that Octavia might have been right this morning when she had suggested that Lexa was just playing with Clarke when she had said that she was going to let Clarke in. However, Clarke knew that what had happened this morning had been genuine. She had read it in Lexa's eyes. It made her wonder which Lexa was the real Lexa: the one that she knew so well or the one that she had talked to this morning. Something made her think that this morning was the first time that she had actually met Lexa. Or at least, that's what she was hoping. No matter what Lexa was really like, if she was serious about wanting to get better, Clarke couldn't let her off the hook this easily. "Lexa, you said that you were going to let me in, but you're not exactly doing that right now. If you are actually serious about wanting to get better, you have to stop pushing everyone away."
Lexa rolled her eyes in annoyance. "I can't, Clarke. I have been doing this for a year now. It's not something that I can stop just like that."
"You'll never know unless you try." Clarke pushed on. "You wanted me to help you get better, and I think it would be good for you to start talking to people again. You should come sit with me and my friends."
"Please no, Clarke." Some of Lexa's anger fell away. "They never even liked me when Costia was still alive. It would just be awkward for me to sit with them out of the blue like this."
Clarke sighed. "They said the same thing, but I think it would be better for you to sit with them than someone you actually know. They probably won't look at you the way that you say the other people do."
"Octavia and Raven might not, but Lincoln probably will. I know he sits with you guys as well, and I don't want to see him. I'm not ready to see him yet. Please, Clarke." The blonde marveled at the pleading tone in her roommate's voice where only seconds ago, there had been anger. She sounded like a whiny child who was begging her mother not to make her do something she didn't want to do. It was progress that Lexa wasn't yelling or snapping at Clarke, and the blonde felt like she might actually be getting somewhere with her roommate, even if the stubborn girl refused to try what Clarke had suggested.
Clarke raised an eyebrow in amusement at the brunette's tone. "You know, I can't make you do anything."
Lexa looked at the ground, toeing at it a little with her shoe. "I know. I just didn't want you to think that I was giving up on myself already." Lexa paused for a moment, clearly trying to decide whether or not she wanted to say something else. Clarke waited patiently until Lexa's eyes came back up to meet hers. "Look, since you're so adamant that we eat lunch together today, why don't you come and sit with me?"
"And where do you normally eat lunch? I'm assuming you're not talking about the courtyard since you've already made it quite clear that you don't want to be seen with me."
Lexa nodded, seemingly grateful that Clarke respected her wishes to not be seen with someone else. "I eat lunch under the bleachers by the football field."
Clarke was surprised at this information because she was pretty sure that that was where couples normally snuck off to during class. She knew that there was a chance she was wrong because she had only been at the school for two weeks, but she had already heard a few people talk about it. The thought of eating lunch there with Lexa made the heat rise to her cheeks, and she seriously hoped that she didn't blush as she tried to play it off coolly with a skeptical look. "You want me to eat lunch with you under the bleachers? Isn't that where couples normally go to make out?"
Lexa looked a little embarrassed herself. "Well, yeah, but that's during class. It's normally all clear during lunch time, and it's nice and shady, so it makes the perfect lunch spot for me."
Clarke's embarrassment faded at the sight of Lexa's, and she decided to tease the brunette, hoping to embarrass her further. "Are you sure this isn't all a ploy to get me to make out with you?"
Lexa smiled a little. "I'll try to restrain myself, Clarke."
This time, Lexa's smile did not disappear the second it formed, and it was bigger than the smile that Clarke had thought she'd seen Lexa give a week ago in the courtyard. Clarke noticed that Lexa had a beautiful smile, and the minute it was gone, Clarke realized that she was already trying to think of ways that she might be able to see it again. She brushed the thought aside, not even wanting to think about what that might mean right now. Instead, she allowed her shoulders to slump in defeat. "Fine. I'll go with you."
Once they got settled under the bleachers, Clarke and Lexa ate their respective lunches in silence, neither of them knowing what to say to the other, and Clarke found herself missing the constant chatter of her usual lunch table. Clarke did have to admit though that she enjoyed the cool breeze that came with the shade of Lexa's favorite eating spot. It was much better than the stifling heat of the courtyard. Clarke knew that she and Lexa needed to be talking if she was ever going to break through the brunette's walls, and since Lexa obviously wasn't going to take the initiative, Clarke took it upon herself to break the tension. "So why did you decide to come to this school?"
"I don't know." Lexa shrugged. "It was nice. I wanted to get away from home."
"Did you have trouble at home?"
"No. I was an only child, so it could get lonely sometimes. That's all," Lexa said, but she still sounded awkward, and Clarke knew she was going to have to try harder to break the ice.
"I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I was drinking a lot, running with the wrong crowd, and so one day, when I got home, my mother just told me that I was going to this school, no questions asked. She thought that it was the only way to break me out of my downward spiral, and I don't know if it would have, but the mention of it certainly did. Don't get me wrong, I hated her for it at first. I went out that night and didn't come back for a week, but after that, I realized that she was only doing it because she cared about me, because she was worried about me, and I began to see that I was the one who was in the wrong. This school has been good for me. It's really nice to be around such pleasant people again who care about me."
Lexa looked up hesitantly at Clarke before speaking in a soft tone. "I'm sorry I wasn't one of those people."
"It's not too late to start now," Clarke said sincerely before moving on to the next topic, trying again to get Lexa to open up. "So tell me about when you first met Costia. Did you find her attractive right from the start?"
"Clarke, I, um…I'm not really comfortable talking about Costia," Lexa admitted, and Clarke found it to be cute the way that her roommate stumbled over her words, sounding almost shy all of the sudden. "Not yet anyway."
Clarke took this new information in stride. "Right. I'm sorry I asked."
She had sort of guessed that Lexa would not want to talk about her former girlfriend, but the blonde wanted to be sure because sometimes, talking is what helped people. She knew that it had helped her to talk to her mom about her dad. Clearly, it wasn't the same for Lexa, or perhaps she simply did not know Clarke enough to feel comfortable talking with her. Either way, the blonde filed the information away for further notice, deciding not to bring Costia up again unless Lexa did.
It was quiet for a few moments before Lexa spoke up curiously. "Do you ever talk about your dad?"
"Not usually," Clarke admitted. "My dad is a topic that I usually avoid talking about in detail, but I wouldn't mind talking about him with you."
Clarke surprised even herself when she said this, and she was even more surprised when she realized that it was true. She didn't normally talk about her dad more than to just inform people that he was dead, and she was a little shocked to find that she actually kind of wanted to tell Lexa about him. She loved her dad and wished that everyone could have had a chance to meet him, but it was normally painful for her to actually talk about him herself. She wondered what made Lexa so different.
"Okay, so, um, what was he like?" Lexa asked.
"Wonderful," Clarke said immediately. "He was the smartest man I've ever known. He worked as an engineer for Mazda and got paid good money for it too. He was always being silly, able to find humor in anything, and while he was hardworking, he still found plenty of time to spend with me and my mom. He always said that the most important thing in his life was his girls." Clarke sniffled, feeling the tears burning behind her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.
"If you don't mind my asking, what happened to him?" Lexa asked, not even reacting to Clarke's tears, but the blonde knew that she had seen them. Clarke was grateful to Lexa for not making a big deal out of the tears. The blonde may have understood what her roommate was going through, but she had forgotten that Lexa understood what Clarke was going through too. That fact made her smile a little and gave her the strength to explain what had happened to her father.
"He got sick. Cancer. They treated him for months, but it just kept spreading, and he didn't make it." Clarke only gave a brief account because it was really hard for her to talk about it, but she felt that she gave enough information to get the point across.
"I'm sorry," Lexa offered, and Clarke nodded, accepting it, before Lexa continued. "What's your favorite memory of him?"
Clarke let out a wet laugh, brightening up a bit as the memories started racing through her mind. "How can you expect me to choose just one? There are so many good ones. One time, when I was about four, I was painting on the wall, even though I knew that was wrong, and he came out of the bathroom and caught me, but the funny thing was, I didn't get in trouble. He laughed. Actually straight out laughed at me, and then he joined me, painting his own picture next to mine until we just started pouring paint out of the bottles into our hands and throwing it at the wall. Let's just say my mother was not impressed when she came home from work that day. We both knew that she found it cute though after the fact because it took her two years to finally get that wall repainted. Another time, we were out to eat at Olive Garden. I had to be about twelve, and my dad's favorite Elvis song, Love Me Tender, came on, and he started singing, right in the middle of the restaurant. My dad and I were like peas in a pod, so of course, I started singing too. My mom almost died of embarrassment that day, but the people in the restaurant clapped for us when the song was over. Then of course, there were all the trips we would take up to Montauk Beach, just him and me. That was our special place. Like I said before, too many memories."
There was a comfortable silence for a few moments before Lexa nodded and started speaking again. "It's nice that you can talk about your dad now. You looked really happy when you talked about him just then. The happiest I've ever seen you, actually. I don't know how to describe it, but your eyes really lit up."
"It's nice to remember him like that," Clarke said warmly. Talking about her dad had brought her even more relief than she had already been feeling from simply being at this school, she realized. She knew that she could've talked about him with anyone here, but it just hadn't felt right. It wouldn't be helpful for her to talk to just any person. She had to be talking to the right person, and Lexa was the perfect candidate, given that she understood, and she was a good listener, listening because she was curious and not just because she felt obligated to. Clarke realized that by talking about her dad just now, she had probably really helped Lexa as well. Seeing that Clarke had indeed gotten much better served to inspire the belief in Lexa that she could get to that point someday too.
"Do you think I'll ever be able to talk about Costia like that?" Lexa asked, like she had been reading Clarke's mind.
Clarke nodded, smiling warmly at her roommate. "You'll get there. I promise."