Sorry for the delay peeps but here it is! Hope you like this chapter, someone's soul searching... guess who? I don't own four brothers or the line below which comes from a song by Delta Goodrem, "Lost without you".

I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you.

The cold behind his back reminds him of the snow that day. But this isn't snow, it's an alleywall and his brother can't save him now. After Evan's friend had taken off like a bat out of hell, Jack chuckled a little at that, he'd slowly sunk to the ground, his back hitting the wall behind him with a dull thud that he'd barely felt. He supposed it was only fitting that he couldn't feel now, after wishing for that blissful ignorance so many years before. Oh Jackie... He heard Evelyn's sad murmur as if she was right next to him. But he knew she wasn't. Evelyn was dead, and with her a part of him had died, the rest had been broken into pieces as he watched his brother fight for his life after saving his. You feel Jack, you just feel too much at times... This time he was sure she wasn't there with him, cause that was a memory from his childhood, after one of his breaks and he'd told her that he was broken, and that he'd never be able to feel anything ever again, his sobs echoing in the kitchen. Jackie... Hey, look at me. I know bad things happened to you before you came to me. But your safe now...

Of course, at that time Evelyn didn't know about Victor Sweet, didn't know that Jerry would grow up and get into trouble, hadn't known that she would die and that they'd all come home to avenge her. She hadn't known that he would hold his bleeding brother as he closed his eyes for what he thought was the last time.

"You were wrong Ma..." Jack whispered.

He'd tried to avoid it, tried to stop thinking about it, dream about it, but he couldn't. Just like he'd never been able to escape his past, he was now unable to escape the truth about himself. And it was there, in that alley in a dirty area of Detroit that Jack Mercer's past and present collided. He was sitting in an alley just like he'd done back then, he was tired and he was scared, just like he'd been then. Only difference was that this time he wasn't a kid anymore, and the blood slowly drying on his clothes wasn't his own.

"Did you know that butterflies only live for one day, just one day before they die"

Bobby looked over at his youngest brother with two eyebrows raised. Jack was sitting with his back against the fence surrounding the park Evelyn had told him to take him to. She was baking a cake for Jack's birthday and wraping his gifts and so it had fallen on Bobby to entertain the little fairy. He'd grumbled and sighed when Evelyn told him but secretly he was thrilled. Bobby couldn't ever remember being in a park when he was kid. Evelyn had tried to take him once when he'd arrived at her place but he'd told her no. Back then he'd been to busy acting like he didn't give a shit about her or anyone else to even think about admitting that a walk in the park did sound pretty damn nice. By the time he knew better he was to old to stroll down to the park, at least he'd thought he was. He watched as Jack's eyes followed a yellow butterfly as it landed close to him. For some reason he wanted Jack to have everything he didn't. Of course he knew that was impossible. The kid had already been fucked up enough times to know what a shitty world this really was, and Bobby knew that a few afternoons spent in the park wouldn't change that. But he wanted to try. It was important to him, and no one had been more surprised than him when he realized it. If he was honest with himself he knew it was more than that. Sure he wanted Jack to have everything the rest of them never had at his age, but that wasn't all there was to it. He wanted Jack to be everything he himself wasn't, everything he would never be able to be.

"First you start with that lame ass music and now butterflies? Oh man what did I do wrong?" Bobby teased, only chuckling when Jack glared at him. His little brother was exstremely sensitive about his music interest, something Bobby loved taking advantage of. "Just kidding Jackie-O, I didn't know that. Sucks to be them". Bobby said, trying to sound symphatic while trying to hide his grin. Trust Jack to be upset cause the butterflies only lived for a day.

"I don't think so. Maybe they're lucky" Jack offered casually.

Too casually and Bobby's eyes narrowed. Of course he already knew about Jack's depressive moods, how couldn't he? They lived in the same house and the walls were thin. And you had to be pretty stupid to not see the little kogs turning underneath that blonde mass of hair. His little brother had a death wish, and Bobby hoped to God he would never act on it. "They're not lucky Jack".

Jack's blue eyes turned to him, a curious gaze in them that Bobby was starting to really dread. "How do you know"?

Bobby rolled his eyes. "I just do"

"That's not an answer" Jack shot back to Bobby's surprise. He usually avoided direct confrontation like this.

"Well your question wasn't really a question either so..." Bobby shrugged.

Jack looked like he wanted to argue but after a few seconds he looked towards where the butterfly had been. He was sad to discover that it was now gone. "It's gone..." He mumbled, eyes downcast.

Bobby felt that tugging again in his heart, something that always happened when Jack was sad for some reason. And if you were Jack there were always a lot of reasons to chose from. "Hey maybe you made his one day a little better?"

"What do you mean?" Jack asked, moving closer to him as if he was expecting Bobby to tell him some infinitive wisdom.

"Well, he parked his fairy wings" at this he grinned at Jack who frowned in response "right next to you. Maybe he wanted to spend his one day there". As Jack didn't seem to be getting what he was trying to say he sighed impatiently and tried again. "Maybe he thought it was okay to live just one day, if he got to spend it with the right people".

"But it's just one day" Jack cut in, a frown covering his young face.

"Hey you don't know what it meant to him" Bobby cut in firmly and then flopped down on his back in the grass, Jack's curious eyes following him. "I can't fucking believe I'm talking about butterflies in the park" He fixed a glare on Jack's face "Let's keep this conversation to ourselves alright".

"Okay" Jack mumbled, still lost in thoughts about living just one day.

Without warning Jerry turned on the light and made a sharp turn, parking the car carelessly on the side of the street. Horns blared at them and someone shouted something colorful in response. He took a deep breath and stopped the car and braced himself for the tornado. He didn't have to wait long.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bobby's furious voice filled the car.

"We need to think" Jerry responded and turned to face his oldest brother, trying not to flinch at the ice in his eyes.

"Start the car Jerry" Bobby's voice was colder than the ice in his eyes. In the backseat Angel sent a quick prayer to anyone listening that the next second wouldn't result in a full blown fight. Something that was looking more and and more probable as the seconds ticked on.

"We're not gonna find him like this" Jerry's voice was calm, despite the fact that he was sick with worry for Jack.

"Just start the fucking car" Bobby again commanded, the strain in his voice obvious to everyone in the car.

"Bobby we need to think about this, where would he go?"

Bobby lost what little patient he had left and punched the dashboard "I don't fucking know? To his dealer? Some shitty ass street full of fucking idiots?"

"Calm down" Angel leaned forward "Just calm the fuck down both of you. Bobby Jerry's right, we need to think for a second".

Bobby took a deep breath and tried to push back the urge to total the car completely. He knew they were right, he knew they needed to think and plan, but the clock was ticking and every minute Jack was wandering the streets doing whatever he was doing was bad, they needed to find him. "I know alright" he closed his eyes on a sigh and turned towards the window, facing away from his brothers eyes. "It's just..." He trailed off, not knowing how to continue.

"I know" Jerry spoke "I'm worried too". And he was.

"We'll find him" Angel chimed in from the backseat, his hand landing on Bobby's shoulder, expecting him to push it off. He was surprised when Bobby let it rest there. His nerves rattled a bit despite his calm facade. This wasn't like Bobby. Bobby was always worrying and barking orders, but this was different, he knew that much. He too had noticed Jack's off mood, and even if he hadn't known why he still would have reacted. Now he knew exactly why his little brother was running away, or around, and avoiding facing them, or rather facing Bobby.

"We will" Bobby agreed. They'd better find him soon, and if it turned out that he was trying to buy or in some other shit he would just have to beat the shit out of any fucker who dared mess with his brother. His fist clenched again, the rage in his body snapping it's jaws like it was a wild and living thing. If anything happened to Jack... If anything happened to Jack, then everyone could go to hell as far as he was concerned, and he'd help them get there.

There were always whispers. For as long as he could remember there had been whispers and pointed looks. Back then it used to be because he was the new kid, the foster child. Now, he knew it was because he was a Mercer. In this school and in this town it meant something. Mostly it meant people kept away from him. That was fine with him, he liked it that way. He'd always been a loner, and he didn't see that changing any time soon. Sitting on the steps he fished out a cigarette. He'd barely had time to light it before Bobby's car came into view. Jack quickly put it out and stood, fishing some gum out of his pocket and chewing rapidly before heading over to the car, Bobby's impatient voice telling him to hurry the fuck up. When seated they shot away down the street, leaving horrified teachers behind.

"Stop that"

"Stop what?" Jack asked chewing like the world was about to end.

"That annoying clicking of your teeth. It's not like I can't smell the smokes a mile away you know".

Jack gulped and swallowed the gum, making him cough a little.

"See? That's what smoking does to you kid"

"That wasn't..." Jack started before Bobby cut him off.

"Just stop okay? Besides it smells like shit and Ma dosen't like it"

If Jack had been a braver kid he would have told Bobby how much he sounded like a Mama's boy, but of course he didn't. He was stupid enough to smoke, but taunting Bobby Mercer was a whole different ballgame.

He remembered when he was just a kid, and people used to beat him for reasons he usually didn't even know. He remembered the fear and the confusion. This was long before he had learned that running didn't help, it just made things harder in the end when they caught him, and so he stopped. What he remembered most wasn't the pain in his body, no matter how broken he'd been it wasn't the cuts or broken bones that made him cry at night. It was the fear, the not knowing when they were coming and what they were going to do this time. He'd seen some of that fear in that man's eyes tonight as they stared up at him. His stomach lurched and he leaned over on his side and threw up, his stomach aching with the lack of food in it and the dry heaves that followed. When he was done he rested his sweaty face against the cold brick wall and closed his eyes, taking a few struggling breaths. One silent tear slipped down his face. He had never ever wanted to be like all those people who had hurt him, but who was he now? He just beat a man he didn't even know. He hadn't been forced to, he was backing away, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. And the guard at the hospital, what about him? He'd told Angel he'd be fine, but he didn't really know that, and he hadn't cared enough to check. Maybe he had hit him hard enough to leave some kind of brain damage? And what about Sweet... his mind whispered to him but he closed that thought out. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to face the fact that he'd stared into his cold eyes and pulled the trigger without any remorse. What he couldn't handle was the lack of regret he felt, even now. There was nothing. Not one little stray feeling of regret or sadness over his death. Where those feelings would have been was only an empty hole. He tried again to block those thoughts out. Sweet didn't deserve anyone's symphaty, neither did Fowler or Evan. But his mind wandered to those who had gotten in his way without knowing it. Wiping his mouth he stood up on shaky legs, leaning against the wall for a moment to support himself. He knew that what he was about to do was stupid and reckless, and if Bobby knew he would tell him exactly how much of an idiot he was being. But Bobby wasn't here, and he hadn't been when Jack had done all these things, not in body at least. This was all him, and it was time he faced that fact.

The dull thud echoed in the closed room and the guard dropped to the floor in front of him...

Jack looked up at the hospital, it towered over him like a huge mountain. He needed to do this. He needed to know.

He walked past the door he had opened while following the guard and the cafeteria. He remembered sitting there with Angel and Jerry, eating or drinking coffee, trying to think about anything else than what had happened. Trying to stay alive. To keep breathing. Walking down 'Bobby's hallway' felt surreal, like he was doing it again but at the same time not. He'd walked down this hallway so many times now that he could do it in his sleep. He passed by the nurse's station after some hesitation, opting to continue ahead first. His steps slowed as he neared that familiar room with the number now etched forever into his mind next to it. The door wasn't closed all the way and he hesitated, letting his hand linger before pushing it open, revealing the person laying in the bed.

It was a young man, blonde. From what he could see he appared to be a few years younger than himself. He took a step closer, feeling drawn to the room and the person in it. Stopping a few feet from the bed he took in the machines connected to the young man's body and the way he didn't move or open his eyes. The image changed and instead of the blonde man there was a brown haired one there. Jack shook his head and closed his eyes with a pained sigh. Bobby was at home, and he was fine. At least he was going to be. He looked at the man, no, the boy, closer and thought that he kind of looked like him. It must be the hair, he thought. They had the same shade. Voices outside the room made him tense and his eyes snapped to the door he had left partly open. Shit! He really didn't want to be caught here in a strangers room. Seeing no other option he hurried to the bathroom and closed the door, the darkness surrounding him. He heard two voices through the door, nurses by the sound of it. The tension suddenly left his body and he sunk to the floor, leaning his back against the door.

"Have you heard anything yet?" One asked, her voice gentle. The same way the nurse that took care of his arm had sounded, only he'd been to focused on his brother to register much else.

"It seems like it's just him. No family, no close friends. The scars on his body, they..." The nurse trailed off and Jack winced. No family, huh. Scars... It could have been him. It had been him, on more than one occasion.

The other nurse sighed and a ruffling sound was heard, probably fixing the bed. The beep that followed told Jack they'd done something with one of the machines. He knew the sounds by now.

"It's tragic".

Life is a tragedy, Jack agreed silently. Footsteps leaving the room made him exhale in relief. He had no clue how he would have explained him sitting in the bathroom if he'd been found. Getting up he opened the door slowly and found the room empty except for the person in the bed. He again approached it silently, his hand finding the chart at the end of the bed. James Taylor. Head trauma. Among else. He let it go and stepped closer to the bed, so he could see his face. Up this close they didn't have any resemblance except for the hair, altough James hair was shorter than his. But he couldn't shake the feeling that this boy could have been him. Had been him at one point or another. He felt sorry for him, because he knew that when he woke up, if he did, everything would go back to the way it was before for him. Just like it had been for him. Until Evelyn had come through the door with her gentle smile. He took one last glance at the sleeping boy and then backed away, peering out the door before leaving. He felt bad for leaving, but what could he do? He had to much going on with his family, he couldn't think about anyone else right now. He didn't even want to.

Approaching the nurse's station he frowned when he saw who was working. He remembered her. Nurse Baker. The way her smile slipped when she saw him made him believe that she remembered him too. He laughed a little at that.

"Nurse Baker, long time no see" He straightened up and attempted to sound casual, and nice. He smiled and held out his hand politely, they way Evelyn had taught him. She took it after some hesitation, releasing it just as quickly.

"Mr Mercer. What are you doing here? Are your brothers here too?"

Her tone told him that she was seriously considering calling on a few guards if that were the case. He shook his head and widened his eyes, playing on the innocence he knew showed on his face. "No no, it's just me. I was actually looking for you".

"Really? What for?"

She sounded suspicious, which she should be. "I just wanted to come here and thank you personally for everything you've done for my brother, I wanted to meet with his doctor too but I couldn't find him". He said, hoping he was off today. Just meeting nurse Baker was taking it's toll on his nerves.

"He's off today" Nurse Baker told him, a frown on her face.

Thank God. "Well anyway, thank you for everything. I can't tell you how much it meant to me and my brothers to see someone caring about those who some could care less about".

Her eyes turned gentle and the frown slipped off her face and she held out her hand for him to take. He took it after a moments hesitation. He hated being touched.

Nurse Baker looked at the young man before her. He looked so sad and innocent, the pain in his eyes visible. The other nurses had warned her about the Mercer's and she remembered the chaos they had left in the hospital with their attitude and complete disregard for rules, but she couldn't imagine that this one, despite his behaviour when his brother was a patient, could have a single bad bone in his body. He just looked so young and innocent, and she was old enough and had worked enough years in this field to see what type of people passed through, and what they were made off. Or so she thought. "It's alright dear, how are your brother? Getting better I hope?"

"He's getting there" Jack forced a smile on his face and had to resist the urge to snatch his hand back. "I have to tell you that I had another purpose too. There was a guard here, he was injured when some men attempted threatened my brother. I just wanted to know if he's alright?" He managed to keep his voice from shaking, but just barely.

Nurse Baker's old heart melted. Oh what a sweet young man he was underneath that facade. All her reservations melted away and she beamed at him. "He's fine. Just a concussion".

Jack remembered her telling the other guards that. "No complications then?"

"Oh no, he's back at work. In fact he's working tonight if you want to see him?"

Jack's heart clenched and for a moment he was frozen in panic before he managed to snap out of it. "No that's fine, I just wanted to make sure. I felt a bit guilty".

"Oh you shouldn't, it wasn't your fault" Baker frowned and him and patted his hand gently.

If you only knew... Jack mused. Would you still hold my hand if you knew what these hands had done? "Yeah. I need to get going, but thanks again, for everything". He let go of her hand, feeling the relief course through his body.

"No problem, say hi to your brothers for me" Nurse Baker smiled, obviously having gotten over her initial resentment.

"I will" No fucking way am I ever telling them this.

He walked quickly down the hall and took the steps down to the first floor. As he walked towards the door he saw a familiar figure walking ahead of him. The guard. The one he'd struck down. His nerves jumped and as if he felt something too the guard stopped and turned just as Jack passed by him. Their eyes met but they didn't say anything. And Jack walked out the door, the guards eyes burning into his back. He knew he didn't know it was him, but maybe he felt something too when they passed.

The night air was cold on his face and he inhaled shakily. He took out his phone and hesitated before dialing the number home. They probably knew he was gone by now. When no one picked up he frowned. He started walking towards the bus stop and as luck would have it the bus came almost right away. He sat down on one of the seats, watching Detroit pass by him outside the window. He was going home.

Oh poor Jack... he's in so much pain. Hope you liked it!