AN: Happy Wednesday, everyone! Since the last couple of chapters have been from Clarke's point of view, this one is from Lexa's, so you guys will finally get a little insight into how Lexa feels about all of that has been going on. I hope you enjoy it!
Lexa sat on her bed, working on an essay that she had to write for school. She couldn't remember the last time that she had written a good essay, but she knew that Clarke was proud of her for starting to try in school again, and that only made Lexa want to try harder. She had certainly come around to the idea of spending time with the blonde in the past couple of weeks. Even though the lunch that Lexa had gone to with Clarke's friends almost two weeks ago had been a minor setback, she found that she didn't care so much anymore. If the other people in the house continued to act like jerks, then so be it. Lexa was fine just being around Clarke.
She had come to think of Clarke as a friend, and she was finally glad that she had decided to let the blonde in. Even though she had originally hated the other girl for trying to break down her walls, she now found that Clarke was rather easy for her to get along with, and Lexa almost felt like she belonged again. While she used to prefer to be alone, she now found herself wishing that Clarke was there whenever the blond girl wasn't, and while she used to prefer not to talk about herself at all, she found herself wanting to open up to her roommate more and more. Lexa had never thought that she would ever feel this way again, and although she didn't feel perfect, she had to admit that she was content. Maybe even happy.
At that moment, the door to Lexa's room opened, and her eyes brightened when the girl she had just been thinking about entered through it. They brightened even further at the sight of the item that the blonde was carrying in her hands. It was an elegant vase with a beautiful array of pink, purple, and yellow tulips, and Lexa could not stop a huge grin from spreading across her face. "Are those for me?"
Clarke nodded, setting them down on Lexa's vanity. "Yup. I know how much you love flowers, and I figured that our room could use the color."
"Thanks, Clarke," Lexa said, her smile still prominent.
The blonde nodded in acknowledgement, and Lexa noticed the tiny smile that played out on her roommate's own lips at the sight of Lexa so happy. The brunette leaned over to smell the refreshing fragrance of the flowers, and she sighed at the scent. She couldn't even remember the last time that she had had flowers, but she now realized how much she had missed them, and she turned her bright smile back up to Clarke. Her smile suddenly morphed into a knowing smirk though when she saw the nervous look that had appeared on the blonde's face. "What do you want, Clarke?"
"What makes you think I want something?" Clarke challenged.
"Well, you are just standing there rather than going to your bed, which means that you probably still have something you want to say. You're biting your lip, which means you're nervous, so you're afraid that I'm not going to like whatever it is that you have to say. Plus, you brought me flowers, knowing full well how much I love them, to put me in a good mood so that I will be more likely to agree to whatever it is you are about to ask me to do," Lexa deduced. "So go ahead and ask."
"Fine. You got me." Clarke sighed in defeat. "I guess I was being a little too obvious, but I will have you know that I planned on getting you flowers since the moment that you mentioned that you loved them and that I stayed over here rather than going back to my bed immediately because you were smiling bigger than I'd ever seen you smile before, and I found it a bit cute."
Lexa felt the heat rise to her cheeks at the blonde's statement, and she knew, without a doubt, that she was blushing. The room was enveloped in silence as Lexa tried to regain control of the color of her cheeks, and she looked up to find that Clarke's cheeks had a pink tinge to them as well. As the silence stretched on, Lexa could feel the tension in the air, and she got the impression that the blonde hadn't meant to say what she had said. When several seconds had passed with neither girl speaking, Lexa awkwardly cleared her throat. "So, what is it you wanted to ask me?"
"Right, um," Clarke began, not raising her eyes from where they were fixed on the floor, "I was just going to ask if you wanted to accompany me down to dinner tonight."
Lexa's carefree demeanor instantly fell away, and she could feel her walls springing back up at the prospect of going through another verbal lashing from Clarke's friends. She wanted to be able to say yes for Clarke, but she didn't know if she could go through a repeat of what had happened last time. "I can't, Clarke. I'm sorry."
Lexa saw the blonde hesitate, and she realized that Clarke was reluctant to plead with her roommate to do this again after what her friends had done last time. It warmed Lexa's heart that Clarke cared about her enough to take that into consideration, but she could tell that her roommate still blamed herself for what had happened that day. Lexa wished that she wouldn't because it had truly been out of her control.
"Please, Lexa," Clarke finally decided to say, although it wasn't a desperate pleading, like she had done when she had asked Lexa to lunch. This wasn't something that Clarke needed, but rather something that the blonde only hoped for. "Octavia talked to both Bellamy and Raven. They shouldn't act like that ever again."
Lexa wanted to be ready for this. She wanted to see her own friends again, but she wasn't sure that she could handle seeing everyone at once, and so she told Clarke of this. "I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to everyone in the house though. It'll be a bit…overwhelming."
"Lexa, please?" Clarke grabbed Lexa's hands in her own, and the brunette could tell by this gesture and the tone of the blonde's voice that this was the last time that the other girl was going to ask. Whatever response Lexa gave this time would be the final one. Lexa did not want to go, but she also did not want to say no to Clarke for a third time. What she was slowly realizing was that resisting Clarke's requests was a lot harder than she had previously thought, especially when the blonde was looking up at her with those big pleading blue eyes. It was always those eyes that got Lexa, and she found herself giving in before she could even fully think it through. "Fine. I'll go."
Clarke squealed in delight, and while Lexa enjoyed seeing the happy look in the blonde's eyes, she suddenly came to dread the evening. She looked over at the clock that was on her bedside table, seeing that there was only an hour and a half left until dinner, and as Clarke climbed onto the bed beside her to do her own homework, a habit that the blonde had taken up in the past week, Lexa found herself hoping that this last hour and a half would drag on forever and that dinner would never come.
After about a half hour of doing homework, Lexa felt the pressure of Clarke's head lean against her shoulder as the blonde promptly fell asleep. She smiled softly at the sight, carefully closing Clarke's laptop before returning to her own homework. When Clarke had first asked to sit beside Lexa on her bed, the brunette had been wary, only agreeing to it because she had known that it was something that the blonde wanted, and while it had been strange at first, Lexa had grown used to it. Now, she found Clarke's presence beside her to be quite comforting, even when they were working on separate assignments.
If Clarke had fallen asleep on Lexa when they had first started spending time together, the brunette probably would've freaked out and pushed her away, but now Lexa found that she didn't mind at all. She knew it was a stroke of luck that the blonde had nodded off because it gave Lexa an out to dinner. If she wanted to, she could just allow her roommate to sleep through the meal, and then she wouldn't have to go at all. However, Lexa knew that she could never do that, no matter how badly she wanted to. She wouldn't break her word now, even if she had to endure what could very possibly be the worst night of her life.
When it was finally time for dinner, Lexa took a deep breath and shook Clarke awake, watching as sleepy blue eyes focused on her. "Clarke, it's time for dinner."
"You woke me up." A look of pure wonderment flashed across Clarke's face. "You could've easily let me sleep right through dinner, and then you wouldn't have had to go. Why didn't you?"
"Because I gave you my word, Clarke," Lexa said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and then she stood from the bed, looking back down at her roommate. "Now, are you coming or not?"
Lexa had to stop herself from visibly shaking as the two of them made their way out the door. She was incredibly nervous about going downstairs to join these people who she had been avoiding for so long. She knew that there was a strong possibility that some of them, if not most of them, might treat her the way that Bellamy and Raven had, but she had to do this for Clarke.
She latched tightly to the blonde's hand as they walked. Normally, she liked to pretend that she didn't need the blonde, even though she really did on the inside, but today, she couldn't even bother to keep up the act. Out of everyone in this house, Lexa knew full well that Clarke was the only one she could trust right now.
The blonde must have been able to sense her nervousness because she turned reassuring blue eyes on Lexa's, gently squeezing her hand once before trying to drop it. Only Lexa refused to let go, needing something to ground her until they reached their destination.
When they got to the dining room, Lexa finally released her hold on Clarke's hand, and she willed for her perfectly constructed mask to come over her. It had been a long time since she had used it, but it fell right into place, her posture relaxing as she strolled calmly over to take the seat next to Clarke.
Upon seeing Lexa occupy the chair at the table that hadn't been filled in quite some time, the other residents fell silent, taking a moment to stare at Lexa in an awe-struck wonder, almost as if they weren't sure she was real. Lexa squirmed in her seat, not liking the open scrutiny from all of her housemates, and she was extremely grateful when Emori finally broke the silence.
"Lexa! You came to dinner."
"Yes." Lexa nodded calmly. "Clarke convinced me to."
A look of shock washed over Emori's features before she turned a very curious and slightly wonder-filled pair of eyes on Clarke. "How on earth did you do it? We tried to convince her to come to dinner for ages, but she never listened to us."
Clarke shrugged, giving everyone at the table a playful smile. "I don't know why you guys are acting like it was some difficult thing. All I had to do was get her flowers."
"Ah! Flowers!" Anya exclaimed from her place at the head of the table. "How did we never think of doing that? Flowers are Lexa's weakness."
Lexa prickled a little at her old best friend's insinuation that she had a weakness, not because it wasn't true, but because it was. Lexa hated the thought of having a weakness, and that was one of the main reasons that she had pushed everyone away last year. She wasn't sure how she felt about allowing herself to have one again. Only, contrary to Anya's belief, Lexa's weakness wasn't the flowers.
"Lexa," Raven called, drawing Lexa's questioning gaze to her. "I'm sorry about what happened when you sat with us at lunch. I haven't gotten the chance to apologize yet, and I'm sorry for all of it. I shouldn't have said the things that I did."
Lexa knew her surprise played out on her face at Raven's apology. Out of all of the things that she had expected to happen at dinner tonight, this had not been one of them. She had thought Raven hated her, had known it even, but now it seemed that the other brunette might not despise her as much as she had previously thought. She was even more surprised when Bellamy spoke up as well, adding his own apology to the mix. "I'm sorry as well. We shouldn't have denied you a second chance. I suppose that was a little unfair of us."
Lexa gave them both a lopsided smile. "It's fine. Thank you for your apologies."
The table fell into an awkward silence after that, no one seemingly knowing what to say. Lexa suddenly felt her nerves come back full force, and she looked down at her hands, fiddling with them where they rested in her lap. She could feel her shoulders beginning to tense up, and she remembered now why she hadn't wanted to come in the first place. She was just about to excuse herself to go to the bathroom when she felt Clarke's comforting hand come to rest on her thigh, and she met the blonde's warm blue gaze, causing her to visibly relax again. She shot her roommate a grateful smile, and Clarke withdrew her hand again when Indra walked in with their meal.
"I made lasagna tonight," Indra announced, placing a tray at each end of the table so that the students could begin scooping however much they wanted onto their plates.
When Indra noticed the new addition to the table, she smiled warmly. "Lexa. I'm glad to see you finally joining us for dinner again. It's nice to know that you actually took my advice about letting Clarke in."
"Thank you, Indra." Lexa shot the older woman a smile.
"You're welcome, Lexa. You picked a good night to come downstairs too. I know how much you love lasagna."
Lexa nodded, scooping out a decent-sized portion for herself as Indra retreated back into the kitchen. Lasagna had always been Lexa's favorite meal, and she was pleasantly surprised that she would get to eat it again that night. She immediately dug in, and she had to stop herself from moaning at the taste. It had been so long since she had had a home-cooked meal, due to the fact that she normally resorted to having a frozen meal up in her room each night, and she found herself wondering if it was really worth it to avoid her housemates if she had to miss out on this amazing food. She had forgotten how great Indra's cooking was, but she could honestly say that she had never had a meal as good as the ones that Indra prepared.
When Lexa finally raised her eyes from her plate again, she found Clarke smiling at her, and she shot the blonde a small smile in return. She wondered why it was that seeing Clarke's smile made her want to blush, but she brushed the thought away in favor of continuing her meal.
After the initial silence that came with the arrival of the food, Jasper finally spoke up. "Lexa, you should totally hang out with us again sometime soon. We used to have so much fun together."
Clarke shot Lexa a questioning glance, and the brunette realized that out of all the things she had told the blonde about, she had never mentioned her antics with Jasper and Monty. While it must have slipped her mind, she had not forgotten. Far from it, actually. She used to join Jasper and Monty on their pranks all the time. In fact, she had helped them pull the prank on Mr. Kane that had gotten pranking banned from Arkadia House in the first place. After Costia had died, Lexa had thought that the jocular side of her might just be gone forever. Now, though, she was starting to realize that she wouldn't mind joining in on a prank or two again every once in a while.
Monty nodded in agreement with Jasper's statement. "Too bad you weren't there for today's prank."
Lexa was instantly intrigued. "What did you guys do?"
"We tinkered with Mrs. Roddington's chair this morning so that it collapsed when she tried to sit down in it," Monty said proudly.
Lexa couldn't help but smile at the thought. "I have her for third period, and she is so boring. Did you guys get in trouble for it?"
"Nope. She had no idea it was us. She never does," Jasper said with a smug smirk. "We always pin the blame on some stuck-up kid from Azgeda House named Ontari. She's taken the fall for so many of our pranks by now that people expect that sort of behavior from her."
"Nice work, guys," Lexa said with a huge grin. "I will definitely have to join you sometime."
Jasper and Monty high-fived, clearly excited at the prospect of having Lexa back on their team. The brunette was actually excited herself. Playing pranks on people provided a sort of rush that Lexa happened to love, and she couldn't wait to feel it again.
"Hey, Lexa, don't forget that it's kickball day this Friday in gym, so there will be a mini tournament," Octavia said. "We'd all really appreciate it if you showed up to help us."
Lexa looked up at Octavia, a little of her uncertainty playing out on her face. "I don't know. I haven't played in a long time, so I don't know how good I will be. But I'll consider trying it again."
"If you do decide to come, you should play for Azgeda House with me," Emori said.
Lexa's lips pulled down in the beginnings of a frown. "Why do you play for Azgeda?"
"My boyfriend, John Murphy, lives there, and our team would love the support," Emori said with a huge grin.
Anya nudged her friend with a playful smile. "No way. You guys already have Bellamy on your team as well, so Lexa needs to play with us." Anya then turned to Lexa. "Come on, Lexa. You're Arkadia through and through."
Lexa playfully shook her head at their antics. "I will play for our house if I decide to come." This resulted in a cheer from both Anya and Octavia. "We have to play for our own houses in the actual tournament, so it will be good for me to get used to playing with my own teammates."
"Yeah, that's the spirit, Lexa." Octavia looked meaningfully over at her brother, who dutifully ignored her.
"You should hang out with us more often, Lexa." Lincoln spoke up, turning the light-hearted mood to a more serious one. "I think I speak for most of us when I say that we miss you."
"I agree. Anya and I would love it if you would hang out with us again," Emori said in an almost pleading tone, and Lexa realized for the first time just how much her friends had missed her in the time that they had spent apart. "Lincoln can hang out with us too, and it'll be almost just like old times."
"Maybe," Lexa responded.
The brunette didn't want to promise anything because she didn't know if she was ready yet to just reclaim her old life. She didn't know if she ever would be. Lexa was grateful for Emori's use of the word "almost" because she knew that nothing would ever be the same without Costia there. She didn't even think that it would almost be the same, but she was glad that Emori was trying.
"I guess that's as much as we can ask for," Anya said, and Lexa found that she was able to smile at her for the first time since Costia died.
When Clarke and Lexa reentered their room that night, Lexa felt better than she had in a long time. It had been refreshing to see all of her old friends again and sit downstairs with them at the dinner table as if nothing had changed, and she knew that it was all thanks to Clarke. At first, Lexa had only let Clarke in just to humor her, and maybe because she wanted to stop disappointing the blonde, but she had never thought that opening herself up to the other girl would actually help. But help it had, and Lexa had no idea how to repay Clarke for all she had done.
"I am so proud of you," Clarke said once the door was closed. "You were polite and calm the entire time, and everyone was nice to you, just like I told you they would be. I think they all really enjoyed your company because, believe it or not, they wanted to see you, Lexa. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"
Lexa's heart warmed at the look in Clarke's eyes, and she felt a sense of happiness at the fact that she had made Clarke proud, but even more so, she felt grateful to her roommate for pulling her out of that desolate place from which there had previously seemed to be no escape.
Lexa made a split-second decision and pulled Clarke into a bone-crushing hug, clutching tightly to this blond girl who had basically saved her life. Clarke was clearly shocked at the gesture, arms remaining rigidly at her sides for a moment, but she quickly returned the embrace, burying her face in Lexa's hair.
"Thank you so much for making me go tonight," Lexa whispered in her ear. "You were right. I really needed that."
"I'm glad it went well for you, LW," Clarke murmured. "Thank you for giving my friends another chance."
Lexa simply held Clarke in her arms, and she was glad when the blonde did not try to pull away, allowing the brunette to hold her as long as she wanted to. Lexa knew that she had to let go eventually, but she wished that she didn't because being in Clarke's arms made her feel safer than she had in long time. She felt like she was finally coming home.