Okay, it's time. The big moment, the showdown, the conversation that should have happened weeks ago, time to be honest. Kind of feel like I've been building up to this during both LOI and this story, hope I don't let you guys down. Yes, I'm nervous. I'm also sorry for the long wait, I wanted to get this right, or rather perfect. It's exstremely important to me. I don't own four brothers.

Bobby's brown sure eyes were focused on his little brothers blue shiny ones silently. If there was one thing he couldn't stand it was that, Jack's tears. He hated it almost as much as he hated those who had ripped his family apart and forced them to do this. He couldn't handle seeing him cry, cause he had spent the better part of their life trying to make sure he never had to cry again. Looking at him now he wondered how this happend. He had known something was up already before Angel and Jerry told him at the hospital, and long before his chat with Angel earlier tonight, but he had a sinking feeling that what he suspected wasn't even coming close to the real deal, and the only one he trusted enough to tell him the truth right now was about to break into pieces right before his eyes. He wanted, needed the truth. No matter how hard, no matter how bad it was he needed it. Not for the first time Bobby cursed Victor Sweet with everything in him. He'd tried to kill him, fine. He wasn't exactly thrilled about that but it was the name of the game and he could handle it. What he couldn't handle was him trying to kill Jack, or anyone of his brothers. He watched as Jack slowly placed his cigarettes next to him on the couch with a trembling hand before again placing it on his leg as if bracing himself.

"Who killed Victor Sweet, Jack?"

Time seemed to stand still as his question hung in the air between them as if testing the waters, or the air. Testing them. A beat passed and a whoosh of shaky air was released on a trembling gasp.

"I did"

'There's always some reason, to feel not good enough, and it's hard, at the end of the day. I need some distraction, beautiful release, memories seep from my veins.'

"Hey"

Jack didn't look up from his place on the bed. He strummed his guitar, but stopped singing softly when Bobby entered without an invitation and took a seat on the floor, his back facing Jack. He always took the floor, his back to him when it was about something he had done. Not that he was ashamed, he wasn't. But sometimes he didn't want to look into his brothers eyes, afraid of that he'd see. He didn't say anything more for awhile, waiting for Jack to speak. Unfortunately waiting for that to happen could take forever, and he wasn't exactly a patient man. "I didn't want you to see that". Jack didn't answer, keeping his eyes glued to his guitar. "I, he, needed to be taught a lesson".

"I know" Jack finally spoke.

It was silent again before Bobby turned to face him. "New song?"

Jack shrugged. "Maybe".

"Well let's hear it then" Bobby demanded, his soft and apologetic demanor completely gone once more.

Jack snorted a laugh. "It's not exactly your style" He rolled his eyes and ducked out of the way of Bobby's hand, chuckling.

He was cold, frozen all over. Even though he had expected the words he hadn't been prepared for them. He had expected them, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. It did. Like hell. He took a deep breath and willed the sudden dizziness away. He didn't quite succeed and he gripped the table underneath him tightly. Why was it so hard to breathe? The pain of being shot had nothing on this pain, this pain that ripped him open. Sudden flashes of Jack holding a gun, teaching Jack how to use it pounded through his head like lightning strikes. He thought he was going to be sick, he fought the urge to vomit. He tried to concentrate on Jack's eyes, the ones that looked so sad and guilty. He didn't want to believe it, he wanted to scream at him, shake him, tell him sto stop his fucking lying and tell him the truth, but he knew... he knew that it was true. As much as he wanted to think that Jack was lying, he knew he wasn't. And it killed him as surely as any bullet had tried to.

"Why?" He rasped out, his voice almost a whisper.

Another tense silence, another beat, and then a tear slipped free of the cage that was Jack's eye and trailed down his cheek quickly, like it didn't want to be seen. He could have said anything, could have told him that Sweet was going to kill them all, that they had no choice. All of it was true, but it wasn't the whole truth. It wasn't the truth that still burned inside him, that still screamed for more blood, for revenge. He wanted to be honest, for the first time since everything happened he wanted his brother to know, wanted him to understand why he had done what he had done, even if he didn't quite understand it himself. Even if it scared him shitless. And he was scared, his hands trembled as he gripped his knees tightly, trying to hold onto anything that could ground him. He felt like he was leaving, like saying the words out loud to Bobby would make them true, make him the killer he already knew he was. Mostly he was scared about Bobby's reaction, scared of seeing something else in his eyes when he looked at him. Scared of not being his little brother anymore. If I tell you this, will you still see me? Will you still love me tomorrow? Even if I'm not me anymore? "I wanted to".

Bobby's hand slammed down on the table next to him with a deafening bang that seemed to echo around them. Jack closed his eyes, his hands gripping his legs even tighter. "Why?" He asked again, an edge to the word that hadn't been there before.

Another tear left his eye. "I thought you were gone". Dark eyes gazed at him. "I wanted him to pay".

Bobby tried to take in the words but his thoughts were jumping around in his head. "You did this because of me?" The wave of guilt was intense like nothing he had ever felt before. The guilt he still felt at having failed to protect his mother, the only woman who had ever given a shit about him almost paled in comparision, because he felt like he'd let them both down. Jack, for not being there, and Ma, cause he'd promised her he always would be.

"Don't do that" Jack shook his head, his voice a whisper "it's not your fault".

"Of course it is" Bobby snapped, his temper flaring. "Of course it's my fault, I..."

"It's mine!" Jack almost screamed, his voice hoarse. He quieted almost immediatley and his next words were a whispered confession, as if he was confessing his sins to his priest. "I killed him Bobby. And..." He trailed off and broke his brothers gaze, unable to look at him. "I don't regret it".

He could almost hear the crack his heart made as it broke into pieces. The pain in his brothers voice felt like a cold hand squeezing the what was left of his barely beating heart, and for the first time in years he remebered how it felt wanting to die. He lifted a shaking hand towards his brother, but let it drop again. He had no idea what to say, no idea what to do. He now knew what had been different when he woke up, why Jack had been different. For a few moments he wished he had never asked, wished that he had never known something was wrong, but most of all he wished for the impossible, that nothing of this would have ever happend. With a quick sweeping movement he pushed the vase sitting on the table next to him to the floor and the sound of it breaking echoed in the room. Jack flinched, and Bobby regretted it immediately. "I'm sorry" he apologized between gritted teeth. For so much Jack, I'm sorry.

"I'm not" Jack's voice, still hoarse from the tears seemed stronger somehow.

Bobby shook his head. "Don't say that" Please don't say that Jack.

"He deserved it"

The fire suddenly burning in his brothers eyes made Bobby wary, and uncomfortable. This wasn't right. Jack should never look like that. He should never have that look in his eyes. "You decided that?" He didn't know why he was arguing, of course Sweet had deserved to die, if there was any justice left in this world he had died a painful death, screaming. He just wished it hadn't been at his brothers hand.

"Why not? You have" Jack shot back.

"That's different" Bobby snapped.

Jack wanted to argue but he suddenly felt so tired and he leaned back against the couch. Bobby's eyes softened as he watched him. No matter what Jack said Bobby could see the guilt behind the fire in his eyes and he knew. He knew how it felt, and he had never wanted Jack to have to feel that. He pushed back the self loathing for now, there would be time for that later. "What happened"? He asked softly, knowing Jack would understand just what he was asking. He wanted to hear it from Jack.

"You already know" Jack met his eyes.

"Tell me anyway"

Jack took a deep breath and willed his heart to stop beating through his chest. "We met on the ice. Jerry told you about Evan" Bobby nodded "Sweet killed him, and... we fought. I forced him to his knees and... I shot him. Right here". He touched his forhead absently. Dead eyes staring up at the sky.

Bobby stared at him, wondering where his little brother had gone. The image of his brother standing before Sweet and pulling the trigger burned itself into his mind, and he knew it would stay there. He had always known Jack, but now he felt like he didn't, and it made him furious, but most of all terrified. He didn't know what to do. A sob broke through his thoughts and he focused on Jack's bowed down head. He got up, swaying slightly as he took the step between the table and couch before sitting down next to Jack. Without hesitation he wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Jack tensed, but then relaxed and leaned his head against his older brothers shoulder, tears flowing. "It's okay".

Jack shook his head. "It's not. You don't know everything I've done. If you did you wouldn't be here now".

Bobby leaned away a bit from Jack so he could look at his face. "I know I let you down Jackie, I fucking know, but nothing you ever say and nothing you fucking do can push me away okay? Whatever it is you can tell me. You can trust me, you have before right?"

Jack nodded. He had. Just when it had felt like no one could be trusted, that not one person on this earth could do something for someone else without wanting something in return, he had showed him that it was possible. And even though he hadn't asked for it, had he worshipped the ground he walked on in return. He started talking quietly, still afraid of what saying the words to Bobby would mean.

"When you took those bullets for me, and when we didn't know if you were going to make it, I wanted to die. I have never wanted to die more than I did then. Everything before was nothing, it didn't come close to what was happening and I couldn't handle it. I begged for God to take me instead, I would have done anything if you would just open your eyes, but you didn't, and I knew it was my fault" Jack swallowed hard. "I should have died that day Bobby".

Bobby shook his head sadly "No Jack"

"Yeah, I know I should have but I didn't cause you saved me. That hurt almost as much as knowing that it was all my fault"

"It was my fault!" Bobby argued, tightening his grip on Jack's shoulder.

Jack sighed. "It was too much. And Sweet was going to kill us all, and I know that's a good reason to kill him, but that wasn't why I did it".

Bobby nodded, he knew as much. If that were the case then Angel could have killed him just as they'd told Bobby he had. This was about something else, something Jack hadn't wanted him to know. That's what made him suspicious in the first place. "Why did you kill him Jack?"

"Cause he took everything from me. And I hated him for it. I couldn't breathe, until he was dead".

The cold tone in his brothers voice made a feeling of dread settle in the pit of his stomach. "Is there more?" There was, he just knew it was.

"Fowler"

"Jerry killed him" Bobby wondered if his voice sounded as fucking desperate to Jack as it did in his own ears.

"Yeah..." Jack trailed off hesitantly. He leaned even closer to Bobby, almost anchoring himself to him, in case he decided to leave.

Bobby felt Jack tense and his mind spun out of control. What else had happened while he was in the hospital? "Talk to me" He told him, his voice strong despite the agony burning inside him.

And he did. Everything he'd been holding in, the things he'd done, all of it, he told him with a trembling tone while clutching his brother, sure that he would leave any second. He told him about Fowler, about the guard, about Evan, Evan's friend... And Bobby listened quietly, his grip on his brother only tightening. When Jack stopped talking it was almost morning, and neither noticed. They sat quietly, Jack's tears wetting the shoulder of Bobby's shirt. Bobby lifted a trembling hand and placed it on his head, and when the trembling stopped he stroked his hair slowly all the while wondering how the hell he would fix this.

"You didn't have to do this Jack" Bobby whispered.

Jack shook his head slowly, meeting Bobby's eyes for the first time in hours. "I did. You don't understand..."

"I do" Bobby argued "That's what worries me. I know how it feels okay, and I didn't want you to feel that. Fuck!" He exclaimed, rage once again simmering just beneath the surface. He calmed down when Jack tensed and cradled him closer. "Hey, it's okay, I'm sorry". Jack yawned and Bobby rubbed a hand over his own eyes. "Try to get some sleep".

Big blue eyes stared up at him. "Don't leave"

Bobby swallowed the lump in his throat with some difficulty. "I won't". I fucking swear to you Jack that I never will.

When Jerry woke up that next morning he discovered it wasn't really morning at all, more like lunchtime. He lay quietly for a few minutes listening. When he didn't hear anything he got up slowly and dressed before trudging in to Angel's room and found him sitting on the bed, a defeated look in his eyes.

"You worried?" Jerry asked softly.

"You're not?" Angel shrugged. "We messed up Jer"

Jerry sighed and left the doorway to take a seat next to his brother. He wondered fleetingly when the last time they'd been sitting like this. Must have been while Angel was still an teenager and he'd been trying to talk som sense into him about something. "I know".

"He's gonna kill us" Angel's voice was resigned.

"Yeah" Jerry agreed, nodding. Something in Angel's face made him take a closer look. "You feel like you've let him down". It wasn't a question but Angel nodded anyway. He clasped his hands together and glanced up at the ceiling. Jerry thought he looked exactly like the 15 year old he'd been.

"Ever since Ma adopted me I knew Bobby's word was law. I didn't mind, I liked it. Every gang needs a leader and Bobby is really fucking great at it, I followed his lead no questions asked. At least not usually". They both chuckled remembering the times they'd tried to talk Bobby out of doing something completely stupid. Angel soon quieted and hung his head avoiding Jerry's eyes. "When Jack came he was so small, so breakable and I knew that Bobby wanted to fix him more than anything. I did too" Jerry nodded again, Jack had that effect on people. "I made a promise to him, to Jack and myself that I would always protect him. I let him down".

Jerry looked at his brother with sad eyes. Angel had always followed Bobby more willingly than he himelf had. Not that he didn't want to, it was just that they usually had different opinions on the best course of action. "Jack?" He asked carefully.

"Yeah. And Bobby. I know he counted on me to look after Jack".

Jerry nodded, he knew that was true. Bobby had counted on them, and they'd let him down. It didn't matter that they'd tried so hard, in the end Jack had ended up in a place neither of them had ever wished to see him.

"I let him down too" He didn't imagine it could hurt so much.

"We're screwed"

"Yeah. Hey" Angel looked up at him "We had a good run. It was nice, doing stuff together again, even if just to keep something from Bobby".

Angel chuckled and gave him a push that almost sent him to the floor. "Going soft in your old age man?"

"Watch it boy" Jerry pushed back with a grin before sighing and getting up reluctantly. "Might as well go downstairs".

Angel nodded, the grin sliding off his face. When they walked out he placed a hand on Jerry's shoulder. "I liked it too".

They walked quietly down the stairs, trying to avoid making any noise at all. They passed a sleeping Jack on the couch and glanced at the broken vase on the floor, exchanging a look that spoke volumes. They almost tiptoed to the kitchen, hoping against hope that they would be alone in the house and that Bobby was out doing stress relieving exercises. Their hope was dashed however when they entered the kitchen and found Bobby sitting at the table, waiting for them. They stopped in their tracks and they both fought the urge to turn around and run.

Bobby stared at them silently. Tension lay thick in the air as he eventually gestured that they sit down. Jerry coughed a little and looked at the bottles holding Bobby's pills on the table.

"I thought you didn't like those"

"I don't. But the Doc swears they're going to make me better a lot quicker" he carefully took out a couple of pills and swallowed them down with his coffee, not even flinching at the taste "and the way I see it the sooner I'm better the sooner I can kick your fucking asses".

Oh poor A and J, things not looking so hot for them right now. Or maybe hot is actually the right word. Anyhow, is anyone tired of this yet? I hope not, cause we're not done with Jackie and all his angst and Bobby's health yet. After the anger comes forgiveness, and you know, being a family again. Also messed up my twitter (like predicted, so I think Im gonna stick to this site that I actually know lol).