AN: Hello, lovely readers! For some reason, I had a hard time getting this chapter written down, and I feel like I've edited it a million times, so I hope that the end result turned out okay. My friend RhydianKnight helped me with it a lot, and you guys can thank her for the ending, which I was not originally going to include. If you haven't read her story Darkest Calling yet, you should definitely check it out because I am loving it so far! Anyways, enjoy the new chapter! It's a long one :)
Lexa sat next to Clarke in the back of Octavia's car, on their way to the triple date that Octavia and Raven had been so keen about going on. The four girls had decided to carpool together, as Octavia was the only one with a car, and Bellamy hitched a ride with Lincoln because the car that he shared with his sister was currently full. Well, not completely full. They still had room for one more person, but when Lincoln offered to drive him, Bellamy figured that it would be much better to have his space. Lexa was grateful of this fact because she did not really like the idea of being crammed in the back seat. She would much rather only share her space with Clarke.
The four of them were meeting the boys at a paintball place that was about a half hour's drive from the school, and Lexa fidgeted in her seat at the thought. She had never played paintball before, but Octavia, Raven, Bellamy, and Lincoln had all seemed pretty excited at the prospect of going, and Lexa had decided not to argue with them. It couldn't hurt for her to try something new, and it would provide her with a way to get closer to her housemates that she didn't know as well. She only hoped that she would not be so horrible at the game that she would embarrass herself in front of everybody.
Lexa was jolted out of her nervous thoughts when Clarke reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently. "You don't have to be so nervous, Lexa. The only time I've ever played paintball was last year with my so-called friends, and I was drunk, so it doesn't really count. I mean, I barely even remember it."
Lexa chuckled a little and smiled up at her girlfriend, relieved to know that she wasn't the only one who didn't know how to play the game. "That definitely makes me feel a little better."
She threaded their fingers together, and she was just leaning over to give Clarke a quick kiss on the cheek when she was interrupted by the girl in the shotgun seat. "No. You guys can't do anything coupley yet. We don't have our significant others here, and the date hasn't started yet, which means that you guys don't get to make out in the backseat and force us to watch."
"We're not forcing you to do anything, Rae." Clarke raised an eyebrow at her friend, and Lexa felt a slight blush creep across her face. The brunette suddenly found that she now wanted to do exactly what her girlfriend had hinted at, and she forced herself to look away before Clarke's glossy pink lips could taunt her any further.
"We were not about to start making out." Lexa shot a pointed look at her roommate. "I was just leaning over to kiss Clarke on the cheek."
"Sure you were," Raven smirked over her shoulder, as if she could see right through Lexa's lie. Only it wasn't a lie. Lexa was telling the truth, and her face morphed into a scowl as she looked at Raven.
Lexa was about to argue some more, but Octavia jumped in before she could. "Well, no kissing at all. You're making me miss Lincoln."
Clarke rolled her eyes at her friend. "You haven't seen him for all of about ten minutes."
"It doesn't matter. I miss him," Octavia said with a pout.
Lexa could hear Clarke grumbling under her breath, and she wondered if she herself would be so quick to miss the blonde beside her, had they not been riding together. She liked to think that she would be able to survive more than ten minutes without Clarke by her side. She did so every day at school. However, she knew that she would in fact start longing for the blonde if she had to watch Octavia and Lincoln making out in the back seat when Clarke wasn't in the car. She heard Clarke sigh beside her, and the blonde finally gave in. "Fine. No couple stuff until we get there."
"Oh, really?" Raven simply looked back at the blonde with an amused smirk. "I can see you two holding hands. Or did you think we wouldn't notice?"
Clarke reluctantly dropped Lexa's hand, and while the brunette had thought Raven and Octavia's antics to be funny up until now, because of the way they were getting on Clarke's nerves, she did not think this anymore. Lexa could not help glaring at Raven because she had really been enjoying the feeling of Clarke's hand in hers. Holding her roommate's hand was comforting and was working wonders to calm the nerves that had been rising inside of Lexa ever since they had started getting ready for the date. She found herself to be a little bitter now that she was being told that she could not touch the girl who was sitting right next to her.
"You should've just made me ride with the others then," Lexa mumbled.
Octavia shot her a sympathetic look in the rearview mirror. "We didn't mean it like that, Lexa. We were only teasing. You're our friend, and we genuinely wanted you to ride with us. You can hold Clarke's hand if you need to."
Lexa honestly hadn't even meant to make Octavia think that she did not feel welcome, but it was nice to hear that the other girl really wanted her along. It was what Octavia had said afterwards that really didn't sit well with Lexa. Specifically, the word "need." Lexa didn't need to do anything that anyone else didn't, and she hated the way that Octavia was looking at her like she would break at any moment simply because she had stopped holding Clarke's hand. This was exactly why she had refused to tell everyone about her past in the first place. Yes, it had happened, and yes, it was traumatic, but it was over now, and she just wanted to moved past it. She didn't want to be the girl that got special privileges because other people were afraid she might break. She wanted her housemates to treat her like they would treat anyone else. Like they would treat Clarke. She thought she had gotten through to them all when she had told them about this at breakfast on Saturday, but clearly her message had not sunken in quite yet.
Lexa knew though that now was not the time to talk to them about it or make a scene. This date was important to all of them, Lexa included, and she wanted the mood to remain lighthearted so that they could all just have fun. Lexa was careful not to let any of her emotions play out on her face, and she simply forced a smile that she knew would look genuine to everyone in that car. "It's fine, Octavia. I was just joking, too. I think I can control myself enough that I do not need to hold Clarke's hand."
Octavia just smiled at her, and the moment was gone. The other brunette's main focus was back on the road again, and the pity was completely gone from her gaze. Lexa wished that she could be relieved, but she only felt uneasy after what had just happened. If there was one thing that she had learned from her childhood, it was how to hide her true feelings from people. She had had to do it countless times when in front of her peers and teachers. She had been forced to pretend that everything was fine and that she was happy every single day when, in reality, her world had been crumbling, and she knew that she could still pull it off without flaw because not a single person in the car had even batted an eye at Lexa's statement.
Not even Clarke.
The blonde, who could usually see right through Lexa's defenses, didn't even look at her twice, clearly not picking up on Lexa's discomfort at what Octavia had said, and Lexa found herself unnerved by it. Once Lexa had met Costia, she had vowed never to put on her perfectly constructed mask around people ever again. When Costia had died, she didn't even bother to try and suppress her anger and hurt, instead allowing them to run rampant, because she was so sick and tired of having to pretend that everything was fine all the time. She hadn't truly been hiding her emotions for a long time now, and she cursed herself for reverting back to her old habits, a little put off by how easy it had been to slip that mask back on.
She had to admit that what she had done had probably been for the best in this situation though. She knew that she had to be believable if she didn't want her friends to press her about it, and she didn't want to get angry with anyone when they were supposed to be having fun. She also didn't want to turn the mood of the car irreparably serious by trying to get them to understand what was really bothering her, so she let it slide for the moment. She could only hope that she didn't have to use that mask again anytime soon.
When they arrived at Dante's Paintball Park, Bellamy and Lincoln were already there, and the two boys offered to teach Clarke and Lexa how to shoot before they started to play an actual game. Both girls readily accepted this offer so that they would have a chance against the others when the game actually began.
Once they had rented their guns, Lincoln moved to help Lexa, and Octavia served as her target. Lexa paid close attention as Lincoln taught her how to aim her gun and set up her stance correctly, and then Lexa was ready to try it for herself. She squeezed the trigger and frowned when her paintball went nowhere near Octavia. That frown was quickly turned into laughter when she realized that she had accidentally hit Raven, who was serving as Clarke's target.
"Hey!" Raven shouted, unable to stop a smile of her own from breaking out on her face. "You're supposed to be aiming for O, not me."
Lexa just shot her a toothy grin before turning her attention back to Octavia. She focused hard on Lincoln's pointers, and soon, she was hitting Octavia almost every time she shot. She realized that in focusing so hard on shooting correctly, she had completely forgotten her unease from what had happened in the car earlier. She found herself smiling because even she could admit that paintball was kind of fun, now that she had gotten the hang of it, and she was pretty excited now to play for real. She turned her excited grin on Clarke, about to ask her girlfriend if she was ready to play, when she noticed that Clarke hadn't hit Raven once in all the time that they had been practicing. The only paint that was covering Raven's vest was from Lexa's own stray paintball. Clarke furrowed her brows in concentration and squeezed her trigger again, but her shot did not hit its mark, even though it did come awfully close. The blonde was just about to try again when Lexa stepped up behind her, taking hold of her gun and aiming it correctly before moving her hand over Clarke's hand that held the trigger and pulling it, the paint exploding over Raven's chest.
"Ah, that one stung," Raven said, and for the first time, Lexa wondered what it felt like to get hit with a paintball. She supposed that she would find out soon enough, and she could only hope that it would not be too painful.
"I did it!" Clarke said with a wide grin.
"Technically, Lexa did it," Bellamy pointed out from behind them.
Lexa expected that Clarke's smile would falter at this realization, but the smile never even left her face as she glanced in Bellamy's direction, clearly excited about having hit her target, regardless of how she had done it. "I'm just going to pretend you never said that."
"Great. Since you did hit me, Clarke, I guess we're ready to play," Raven said.
"Actually, I could probably use a little more practice," Clarke admitted, her smile finally faltering, and now, it seemed as if Clarke was the one who was nervous. Or maybe she had always been nervous, and Lexa simply hadn't noticed it because of her own nervousness. If that was the case, then the fact that Lexa had gotten the hang of the game so quickly when Clarke was clearly struggling with it couldn't have helped.
"You'll do fine." Lexa did her best to reassure the other girl. "I know you will."
Clarke nodded, her features relaxing as Lexa grabbed her hand, and the brunette was glad that she had this kind of effect on her girlfriend because she knew that it didn't take Clarke long to calm her down either.
When they split into teams, it was Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln versus Clarke, Lexa, and Bellamy. As the six of them started the game, Lexa raced off, ducking behind one of the bunkers to shield herself from the other players. She noticed Clarke go down within the first few seconds of the game, taken out by Octavia, so Lexa decided that she would stay behind this bunker for as long as she could, playing it safe.
Lexa soon found out that she was not playing it as safe as she had thought when she felt a paintball whiz right by her, coming from behind, and she quickly spun around to shoot off some paintballs of her own. Raven ducked for cover, but it was too late. Paint had already splattered across her arm.
Lexa grinned in triumph, but that triumph was short lived when she saw Octavia coming for her. She ran in the opposite direction, ducking behind a different bunker, while Octavia crouched behind the one that Lexa had previously been hiding behind. Lexa peered around the corner, just about to take some shots off at Octavia when she felt a paintball explode across the back of her calf, and she was relieved that it hadn't really hurt that much due to the protective clothing that she was wearing. She looked up to see Lincoln smiling apologetically at her, and she had to admit that she was surprised by how quiet he had been because she hadn't even heard him coming. Still, this did not stop her from narrowing her eyes at him, vowing to herself that she would get him out in the next round as she made her way off of the field.
Lexa walked over to sit beside Clarke and Raven, and the three of them watched while the other three finished the game. Octavia and Lincoln went after Bellamy, the sole survivor of Clarke and Lexa's team, and the brunette found that she could not tear her gaze away as Bellamy shot Lincoln, rooting for her teammate to win.
As Bellamy dodged one of Octavia's shots, Clarke turned her attention to Lexa. "Having fun?"
"Yeah." Lexa smiled at the girl beside her. "This is a lot funner than I thought it would be, and it's really interesting to watch, too."
"Paintball is the best," Raven chimed in. "It's good that you're having fun because we'll probably be here for a while."
"That's fine with me," Lexa responded. "I'm ready to play another game already. You know, after Bellamy wins this one."
"I don't know what you're talking about. Octavia is obviously going to win."
"We'll see about that."
Lexa turned her full attention back to the game going on in front of her, watching as Bellamy and Octavia shot at each other, both of them partially ducking behind the bunkers to shield themselves from each other's attacks.
Octavia shot off a couple paintballs at Bellamy, but he dodged them all, the last one not hitting anywhere near him. Lexa found that she could hear him from where she was sitting. "Seems like you're out of practice, O. I didn't know that you needed to be taught how to shoot as well."
"Oh, shut up, Bell," Octavia said. "You really think you can beat me?"
"If you're going to keep aiming like that, then yeah," Bellamy said, smirking at his sister.
"It wasn't even that bad," Octavia defended herself. "You're just jealous because I'm a better shot than you."
Bellamy scoffed. "You are not."
"Tell that to the 35 times my team has beaten yours so far. How many times have you won?" Octavia paused, pretending to think for a moment. "Oh, yeah, 17."
Bellamy's brows knitted in concentration as he chose not to respond to his sister, instead focusing all of his energy on trying to get her out. Lexa watched fixedly, hoping that he would succeed.
After an intense few moments, Octavia succeeded in shooting her brother in the shoulder, declaring her the winner, and she shrieked in victory. Raven shot Lexa a smug smirk. "See? I told you she would win. We should have bet on it."
Lexa just rolled her eyes at this girl that she was finally coming to think of as a friend. "You may have won this time, but don't forget who got you out."
Lexa smiled as Raven pouted, and they made their way back onto the field to start another game. This time, Lincoln and Bellamy switched sides, so Lexa could not go after Lincoln this time and make him pay for getting her out, to her slight disappointment. However, Lexa was glad that Raven was still on the other team because she thought that she might just make it her goal to get the other girl out again.
As Lexa went over various strategies in her head, she noticed that her girlfriend was looking at her curiously. "Are you sure you're okay to be playing this? It's not hurting you, is it?"
"I'm not made out of glass, Clarke," Lexa snapped before she could stop herself, annoyed that the blonde would ask such a question after promising not to treat her differently.
Clarke looked taken aback at Lexa's response. "That's not what I meant. I just meant because of your past and all." The brunette knew that Clarke was only trying to correct herself with her answer, but she was unknowingly making it worse.
Just because Lexa had been abused in the past didn't mean that she couldn't take the sting of a few paintballs, although, deep down, she had originally been concerned about the same thing. She was just glad that the paintballs did not hurt very much, or she supposed that the feeling could have triggered some sort of flashback, but that did not mean that Clarke had to worry about it. Lexa was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, and she had to resist the urge to roll her eyes at her girlfriend, choosing instead to smile warmly at her. "I'll be fine."
Clarke smiled at Lexa, squeezing her hand before making her way over to join the others, and Lexa trailed after her at a slower pace. She chided herself for masking her feelings again, but she knew that it was only going to get harder and harder not to doing so if her housemates kept on acting like this. The brunette knew that her girlfriend only meant well with her question, but Lexa couldn't help but hate it. Clarke had promised not to treat her any differently, but it seemed that that was easier said than done for the blonde. Lexa didn't want to be babied by anyone, and she wished that the others would just get that through their heads.
When she got back onto the field, she tried her best to let her residual discomfort from Clarke's question go. She decided to abandon her idea of going after Raven in favor of chasing down the previous victor. As Lexa tried her best to sneak up on Octavia without getting caught, she noticed Clarke shoot Bellamy before he could shoot her, and Lexa was honestly proud of her roommate for getting the older boy out.
Bellamy let out a wail of outrage, and while Octavia looked to see what was going on, Lexa took advantage of that moment to shoot her in the back. This left only Raven on the other team, but unfortunately, Lexa could not get a good shot off at Raven, while the other girl picked off the other members of Lexa's team with relative ease.
Soon enough, it was just Raven and Lexa, but try as she might, Lexa was simply not as good as the other girl. She found it much harder to shoot someone that was focused solely on her, and Raven became the victor when she shot Lexa right in the gut. Lexa was winded for a moment, but she recovered quickly, holding up a thumbs-up sign to let her friends know that she was okay.
Raven's teammates congratulated her, and Lexa just sighed because she had been on the losing team yet again. This time, Clarke switched sides with Octavia, and Lexa smirked at the thought of getting her girlfriend out. She knew that it would probably be rather easy to do so, and she made this her goal as they started the new game.
Lexa raced after Clarke, but the blonde caught onto what she was doing and laughed as she ran away from Lexa. The brunette did not give up though, chasing after her roommate until she had backed the blonde into a corner. She raised her gun to shoot the other girl, knowing that there was no way for Clarke to escape now. However, Lexa's grin faltered when Clarke brought her gun up at lightning speed, shooting seemingly haphazardly and hitting Lexa right in the ribs. It didn't really hurt that bad, but Lexa felt the pain that had bloomed in this very spot years ago. Suddenly, Lexa was not out playing paintball with her friends, but she was standing in the doorway of a house that she hadn't been in for years.
Her stepfather yanked the trash bag that she had been holding out of her hands and peered inside, and she tried not to cower under the glare that he turned up to her. "What the hell is this? Did you knock over your mother's flower vase?"
Lexa swallowed thickly, averting her eyes and finding herself unable to answer. She didn't have the guts to tell him because she didn't think that she would be able to face his wrath when she did.
He roughly grabbed her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes, which sparked with anger. "You will look at me when I talk to you. I asked you a question, bitch, and you'd do well to answer it."
"Yes, sir. I broke the vase, but it was an accident," Lexa said.
He threw the bag outside behind him and pushed Lexa back inside the house, slamming the door. "You think that because it was an accident, that excuses you from any form of punishment?"
Lexa said nothing. She knew that he was right. Just because she didn't mean to knock it over didn't mean that she didn't deserve to be punished. She had made the mistake, and she supposed that the only way for her to learn to be more careful was to accept whatever punishment that her stepfather deemed fit.
"You worthless piece of shit!" he shouted, slapping Lexa hard across the face.
She tried her hardest not to cry out because she knew her stepfather hated it when she did that. He normally beat her twice as hard if she made a sound. He continued to hit her a few more times, in places where it wouldn't leave a visible mark, until he was satisfied. Lexa sighed in relief when her stepfather finally pulled away, looking into the kitchen and shoving her in that direction when he noticed the dishes that were still in the sink.
"You haven't even done the dishes yet, you lazy piece of shit? Get in there and wash them," he said.
Lexa began to walk off in the direction of the kitchen, but her mother chose that exact moment to emerge from her room. "Alexandria, where is my afternoon beer? I've been waiting."
Lexa just nodded, scurrying off to the kitchen. Or rather, she tried to scurry off to the kitchen, but her stepfather's iron strong grip on her arm stopped her. She was going so fast, and he pulled so hard that there was a loud crack, and a blinding white pain shot up Lexa's arm. She bit down hard on her lip to keep from crying out, and she felt the coppery taste of blood on her tongue.
"Where do you think you're going? You need to apologize to your mother," her stepfather yelled.
Lexa chided herself for not thinking to apologize to her mother beforehand. She knew that she was failing miserably in her duties as a daughter today, and she quickly informed her mother of how sorry she was and got that beer for her in record time. Her mother grunted in acknowledgement, and Lexa went into the kitchen to wash the dishes. Her arm was still throbbing in pain, and she wished more than anything that her parents would leave her to do the dishes in peace so that she could have the freedom to cry, but she had no such luck. Her stepfather followed her into the kitchen to make sure that she completed her final chore, and she vowed to herself that she would do this perfectly in order to make up for everything that she had done wrong earlier.
When she grabbed one of the dishes out of the sink, she found that she could not move the arm that her stepfather had grabbed her by, and she could feel the sweat begin to bead on her forehead at the thought that he was right there watching her, and there was no way for her to do this correctly. She knew that she had to try though. She carefully placed the dish down in the sink and began to try and wash it with one hand, but he was by her side in an instant.
"Use both hands, girl!" he shouted in her ear.
"I can't," she muttered quietly.
"What did you just say?" he asked in a dangerous tone.
Lexa couldn't even bring herself to say it again, and so she just stayed quiet, bracing herself for what she knew was coming next. He punched her in the stomach, harder than any of the punches that he had given her so far today, and she doubled over in pain.
"This is all your fault. You're a lazy, good-for-nothing bitch, and you deserve this," he whispered in her ear, drowning her in the pungent scent of alcohol.
He hit her again and again, and she bit her lip harder and harder, keeping herself silent and knowing that he was right. She messed everything up today, and she deserved to be punished, but he had never beaten her this badly before. The pain was excruciating, and after a few seconds, she could feel her ribs cracking underneath his hands.
She finally allowed herself to scream.
"Lexa!" Clarke yelled, and the brunette latched onto that voice, using it and the hands that were now shaking her arms to pull herself back to the present. The first thing she noticed was a pair of blue eyes trained on hers, and she instantly relaxed, drawing comfort from the girl in front of her. She was here, and she was with Clarke. Her stepdad was nowhere to be found. She immediately began to relax as the awful thoughts left her head. She realized that she was clutching tightly to the place where the paintball had hit her, and she quickly dropped her hand, like it had been touching slime instead of paint, hoping that no one else had noticed.
Lexa cringed when she pulled her eyes away from Clarke's to find that everyone had noticed and that they had completely abandoned their game in favor of watching her curiously. She couldn't help but feel a little annoyed, even though she knew that she had probably just been standing there for a good few moments, and she probably didn't even want to know what emotions had crossed her face in that time, judging by the reactions of the people around her.
Lexa was relieved that Clarke had been there to pull her back to reality and remind her that those days were long over, but what she needed now was for everyone to stop staring at her and go back to the game they were playing as if nothing had happened. Because nothing had happened. This was just something that Lexa had to deal with now. That didn't make it okay, but she didn't want everyone to make a big deal out of it every time that she had a flashback, even if this time had been particularly bad, and she had probably been unresponsive for a few moments. She was used to this though, and she just wished that her friends would not act like they had just witnessed what she had seen.
"Lexa, are you okay?" Clarke asked worriedly. "You look pale. Do you need to sit down?"
Lexa's skin crawled at the suggestion. She did not need to sit down. The moment had passed, and it was over now. There was nothing wrong, and she wanted Clarke to stop acting like there was.
"I'm fine." She tried to brush Clarke off, but the blonde just tightened her grip, and Lexa had to focus on blue eyes again to keep herself from being launched into another flashback from the feel of the other girl's fingers digging into her arms. She stopped herself from telling Clarke that the tight grip was making her uncomfortable though. She didn't want to draw more attention to herself than she already had.
The concern was still shining in Clarke's eyes. "Lexa, you're not fine. You were having some kind of flashback or something, weren't you?" Clarke took her roommate's silence as confirmation. "Do you want to go back to the house?"
Lexa knew that her girlfriend was just worried about her, but she was only getting more and more frustrated with the blonde with every new word that came out of the girl's mouth. She knew that the only thing to do right now was to tell Clarke how uncomfortable she was making her so that the blonde would stop with her unnecessary apprehension. She opened her mouth, but the only thing that came out was a small groan when she saw their four friends coming towards her with matching looks of concern.
"What happened, Lexa? Are you okay?" Octavia asked.
"Do you need to go inside? We could all sit down in the café area for a little bit, if you want to," Bellamy suggested.
Lexa could not stop her annoyance from showing through as they talked, but she hadn't lost her patience yet. She was still perfectly willing to explain to them that she was alright, even though they were acting crazy, in her opinion. It was Raven's comment that finally pushed her over the edge. "Paintball probably wasn't the best idea. We'll do something else next time."
"Enough!" Lexa shouted, green eyes sparking with fury. "Yes, I had a flashback, but I am perfectly fine now. You don't have to treat me like a goddamn baby."
Clarke raised her hands up to gently cup Lexa's face. "Remember what I said, LW. You don't have to pretend around me."
Lexa couldn't take it anymore.
"Leave me the fuck alone!" Lexa pushed Clarke away from her so roughly that the blonde stumbled backwards into Octavia and would have fallen to the ground if her friend had not caught her. Clarke turned hurt blue eyes up to look at Lexa, and the fire in Lexa's eyes immediately went out as they widened in shock. She hadn't meant to push Clarke away that hard. She hadn't meant to push her away at all. She had just snapped. The blonde didn't look to have been hurt by her actions, but she had to be sure. "Did I hurt you?"
Lexa breathed out a sigh of relief when Clarke shook her head, but her feeling of dread didn't vanish. She may not have hurt her girlfriend, but she could have, and she wondered when she had become this person. She had thought that her past was finally in the past and that she might actually have hope for a good future, but maybe she was just set to take the same path as her stepfather. She wondered if maybe he hadn't meant to hurt Lexa at first either. She knew the thought was crazy as soon as it had crossed her mind. She could never be like her stepfather. Still, she was feeling suffocated by the injured look in Clarke's eyes, and she knew that she needed to get away from the blonde.
"I have to go," she stammered.
She turned around before anyone could argue and raced across the paintball field, returning her gun and gear at the desk in the adjoining building as quickly as she could and walking out into the parking lot, desperate to get back to the house. As she pushed out the doors, she remembered that she had ridden with Octavia to get here, and she would have to wait for the other brunette to drive her home. She sighed in frustration as she slumped down beside the car, realizing that she would have to talk to the others again a lot sooner than she had hoped. She cringed when she saw the door opening, but she relaxed a bit when she saw that it was only Lincoln. For some reason, he did not make her as uptight as the other four, and she realized then that he had been the only one who hadn't said anything to her about her flashback. She even smiled a bit when she heard the words that came out of his mouth next. "The others are going to stay and play a few more rounds, but I'll take you home."
Lexa nodded gratefully, and she did not speak as she followed Lincoln over to his car, silently climbing into the passenger seat. She was relieved when he did not say another word either as he pulled out of the parking lot. Lexa honestly just wanted to forget that today had ever happened as she looked out the window at the cars passing by on the street around them. She wondered how on earth it could be such a sunny and beautiful day when she was feeling like absolute shit.
After a few more minutes, Lincoln finally broke the silence, glancing at Lexa out of the corner of his eye. "Are you okay?"
She nodded, and she found that she wasn't put off by his question. When Lincoln asked, it was different. He wasn't asking like he knew that she wasn't okay and expected her to confirm his suspicions. He wasn't asking like he thought that she was a fragile thing that would break at any moment. He was just asking like he knew that she was fine, but just wanted to make sure.
Lexa didn't even think that he was talking about her having a flashback at all, but rather about the way that the others had reacted afterwards. However, she couldn't be sure, and she suddenly wanted him to know how much it had upset her. "This isn't even about what happened when Clarke shot me. I get flashbacks from time to time, and they're awful, but they're ultimately harmless, and I'm used to them. This is more about—"
"The way that the others freaked out over it." Lincoln finished for her. "I know. I could tell."
"Then why can't they?" Lexa sighed in frustration. "This is exactly why I never wanted to tell everyone about my past. I don't want them to feel like they have to be careful around me. When I had a flashback before, I'm sure it just looked like I zoned out, and when someone called me back to attention, it would pass. I was fine back then, so I don't understand why they would expect me to suddenly not be fine, just because they know about it. I don't want them to keep making such a big fuss out of nothing."
Lincoln gave her a pointed look. "It's not nothing, and you know it. I don't agree with what they're doing, but you have to try to see it from their perspective, too. They've never dealt with anything like this before, and they just worry about you, that's all. Especially Clarke."
"I know they worry, but I just wish they wouldn't because there's nothing that I can do to stop it. Besides, it's not like I have a disability or something. I can do anything that you guys can. We don't have to plan our dates around what could or could not trigger me. I'll be okay."
Lexa realized that she had said too much only after she had said it, and she wished that she could suck the words right back into her mouth when Lincoln gave her a knowing look. "So this is about Raven's comment then. When she suggested that we should have done something other than paintball."
He waited for her to respond, and she reluctantly nodded. "Amongst other things, yes."
"Lexa, I understand why you got angry back there. They were being completely overbearing, especially after something like that had just happened to you. But I understand where they were coming from, too. You have to remember that Clarke and Raven both saw you have a panic attack just last weekend, and there was no way for them to know that you weren't going to have one again."
"Bullshit," Lexa said irritably. "I only have panic attacks after nightmares. Clarke knows that."
"No. Costia knew that, but you never mentioned it to Clarke," Lincoln pointed out. "I could tell by the look on her face that she thought you were going to have a panic attack right there on the field, and she was afraid."
Realization washed over Lexa at that moment. She hadn't told Clarke that her panic attacks were never caused by anything other than nightmares, and she started to feel a little guilty. No wonder the blonde had been so worried.
"Just talk to her, and I'm sure she'll understand. She'll probably find the information about the panic attacks nice to know" Lincoln said. "I know that you already told everyone not to treat you differently, Clarke included, but I don't even think that she realized that she was doing it because she was so scared for you. Just talk to her about it, and let her know every time that she does something that bothers you. That way, she can learn from her mistakes. If you never talk to her about this, she'll just keep doing it, and you'll only end up pushing her away. Something tells me you don't want to push Clarke away."
"No, I do not." Lexa cracked a smile. "I'll talk to her tonight."
"Don't forget, though, that she was not the only one in the wrong today. You need to apologize as well if you want your relationship to work."
"I know," Lexa said, and she did.
She may have hated the way that her friends had acted, but she hadn't been much better to them. She couldn't get the haunting look of hurt blue eyes out of her mind, no matter how hard she tried, and she only hoped that Clarke would not be too upset with her.
Lexa had been lying on her bed, reading a book, for two hours when Clarke finally returned. After taking some time to cool down, Lexa had realized that she may have reacted too harshly to Clarke earlier, and Lincoln was right when he had said that she owed Clarke an apology, too. Lexa really did hate fighting with Clarke, and she hoped that it was not too late to make things right.
When Clarke entered, Lexa looked up at her roommate, and she meant to start speaking right away, but the words got caught in her throat. She was afraid that what she said might not be good enough and that Clarke might want nothing more to do with her after what had happened earlier. The blonde hung awkwardly in the doorway, and Lexa was afraid for a moment that her roommate was about to walk right back out the door. She knew that she should say something, anything, to get Clarke to stay, but she couldn't get her voice to work, so she was extremely relieved when the other girl finally broke the silence. "You're reading."
Lexa's brows knitted together in confusion. She had expected Clarke to say a lot of things in that moment, but that had not been one of them.
"Yes. I'm reading," she said, hoping that the blonde would elaborate on what exactly this meant to her.
"If you're reading, then that means that you can't be too upset. When you're upset, you either run off to the attic or just stare angrily up at the ceiling," Clarke explained, and Lexa nodded at this accurate account of herself. She supposed that she shouldn't have been too surprised that Clarke's description of her had been so on point. They had been living together for two months now.
"I'm not upset anymore," Lexa said, and she was rewarded with a relieved smile settling over Clarke's face.
Lexa watched curiously as that smile morphed into a frown. "I'm sorry about what happened when I shot you. I should've been more careful where I was aiming."
Lexa swallowed down the frustration that rose inside of her at this statement, knowing that she just needed to tell Clarke that this behavior was bothering her, like Lincoln said. "That's the thing, Clarke. I don't want you to watch where you're aiming or feel like you have to be careful around me. That falls under treating me differently, and that's exactly what I don't want anyone to do. I am sorry about the way I reacted to you guys on the field though. I should have just told you what was bothering me, but I just felt so overwhelmed, and I needed to get out of there."
Clarke nodded easily, and Lexa thought that she must have already come to an understanding about the way that she had acted. "I know that now, and I'm sorry that I reacted like that. I was just so worried about you that I forgot about what you must be feeling. I remember when people pitied me after I had lost my dad. I hated it, and that was the main reason that I pushed my old friends away and got caught up with the wrong crowd. My friends were always worried about me, and they were constantly asking if I was okay, and I just couldn't take it anymore. My new friends never asked me about anything because they never really cared, and that was what I liked about them. We all had gone through something rough, and that gave us a sort of solidarity with each other, even if we were just destroying ourselves. We didn't care about anything other than pushing the rest of the world away, and I don't want to drive you to that place again."
"I don't think I can go back there now that I've met you," Lexa said truthfully. "Besides, you may have understood how I felt after losing Costia, but you don't know anything about what I went through as a child, and I guess I need to remember that before losing my patience with you. I have flashbacks every now and then, but I can't help them, and I've gotten so used to them by now that they're not that big of a deal. I get that it's sort of scary for you to see me go through stuff like that. It's scary for me, too, and it's okay to be comforting. Just don't be overbearing. Don't be careful where you shoot, and don't plan things around what may or may not trigger me. If it happens, it happens."
"Are you sure, Lexa? I was so afraid that you were going to—"
"Have a panic attack?" Lexa finished. "Yeah, Lincoln brought that to my attention. I guess I should assure you then that I only ever have panic attacks after my nightmares. I have never had one that was caused by a flashback before."
Clarke looked relieved at this fact, and she shot her roommate a grateful look. "Thank you for telling me about that. So as long as you take your medication every night, no more panic attacks?" She looked to Lexa for confirmation, and the brunette gave a slight nod. "That's great to hear because I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you. Ever."
"I love you, too, Clarke," Lexa answered simply, not breaking the blonde's blue gaze. "More than I've ever loved anyone."
Even Costia. She couldn't bring herself to say it. For some reason, the words would not leave her mouth, but Clarke understood it anyway, a happy grin spreading across her face. The blonde leaned in to kiss her roommate, but Lexa only obliged for a moment before pulling away and continuing on with what she now found herself ready to say. "A while ago, before we started dating, before we were even really friends, you told me that my soulmate was still out there somewhere waiting for me to get better. I didn't believe you back then because I thought Costia was my soulmate, but I don't think that anymore. You're my soulmate, Clarke."
The blonde looked taken aback at this new revelation. "Me?"
Lexa was surprised herself, wondering what on earth had possessed her to say that. She certainly hadn't meant to tell Clarke tonight, but when the blonde had said she loved her with so much passion in her blue eyes, Lexa had thought that Clarke felt the same way. Now, she couldn't get a good read on Clarke's emotions, and she worried that she had gone and made her roommate uncomfortable by taking things too far.
"I mean, maybe you are." Lexa quickly tried to amend the situation. "What I mean to say is that you might be, or you have the potential to be."
Thankfully, Clarke stopped Lexa before she could go any further. "You're my soulmate, too, LW."
Lexa brought her eyes back up to meet Clarke's, and the love that she saw shining in those blue eyes only served as a confirmation of the words that had just left the blonde's mouth. The brunette was instantly overcome with an intense affection for the girl in front of her, and she wanted nothing more than to show this girl how much she meant to her. Gone was the anger from earlier and the discomfort that she had felt at Clarke's overwhelming worry. Clarke was only worried because she cared about Lexa. So much more than Lexa thought that she deserved to be cared for, and she realized how lucky she was to have the blonde as her girlfriend.
Lexa crashed their lips together in a kiss that was instantly heated and passion-filled. She poured every inch of her love into that kiss, hoping that Clarke would be able to feel all of it. She felt Clarke's hands come up to tangle in her hair, and she reveled in the feeling, resting her hands on Clarke's waist to pull her even closer. When she pushed Clarke down onto the bed behind her, she was surprised that the blonde allowed her to remain on top this time, instead of flipping them over immediately, like she normally did. Lexa grinned happily as she moved down to suck on Clarke's neck, harder than she ever had before. She knew that it was sure to leave a mark, something that she had somehow managed to never do, and she hoped that the blond girl would not mind.
When she moved to lift Clarke's shirt over her head, she wasted no time in doing away with Clarke's bra as well, bringing her hands up to caress both breasts as she continued her work on the other girl's neck. Lexa knew that their relationship was difficult sometimes, and that was normally her own fault, but she also knew that they would always get through it. She had no intention of ever giving up on her roommate, no matter how many times the other girl messed up, and she hoped that Clarke would do the same for her. As Lexa moved down to take one of Clarke's nipples into her mouth, she smiled at the fact that the girl that was writhing beneath her was her soulmate, and nothing had ever felt more right than that.
Before long, Lexa felt Clarke pull her away by her hair, and while it hurt, the brunette was glad that Clarke wasn't being careful with her anymore and was doing exactly what Lexa wanted her to do. She would learn in time what affected Lexa and what didn't, but the brunette wanted her girlfriend to figure this out by making the mistakes for herself.
When Lexa brought her eyes back up to meet Clarke's dark blue ones, she realized exactly why her girlfriend had pulled her away, and she pulled off Clarke's pants and underwear to find her ready and waiting. Lexa decided that there would be no teasing tonight because she wanted this to be special and feel important after the information that they had just shared with one another, so she dove right in. She instantly grabbed Clarke's clit in her mouth and began pumping two fingers in and out, but she didn't go too fast. Instead, she kept her movements slow so as to make this last for the blonde above her. Clarke's grip tightened in Lexa's hair, and the brunette added one more finger, slowly working the blonde up further and further.
"Fuck. Lexa!" Clarke screamed when she reached her high, and Lexa did not stop her actions until her girlfriend had finally stilled. When Lexa pulled her fingers out of Clarke, she licked them clean, just like she always did, and she did not think that she would ever get enough of this taste that was so incredibly Clarke.
Once Clarke had finally caught her breath, she immediately rolled onto Lexa, making quick work of discarding all of Lexa's clothes, which sent a wave of heat straight to Lexa's core. Clarke instantly moved to the brunette's breasts, and Lexa was extremely aroused at how rough the blonde was being, nipping and sucking hard enough to leave marks. Clarke seemed to have no qualms about Lexa being too fragile now, and the brunette loved every second of it. That was, until Clarke pulled away, and Lexa could not stop her whine of indignation. She watched curiously as the blonde rolled onto her back, and Lexa allowed herself to be pulled on top of her girlfriend.
"You need me to do you again?" Lexa asked in amusement.
Clarke just shook her head. "On your knees. Grab the headboard."
Lexa's eyes darkened at Clarke's commanding tone, and she quickly obeyed, immediately catching on to what Clarke wanted her to do. When she had positioned herself over her girlfriend, she felt the blonde's tongue slide between her folds, beginning to thrust in and out of her with a steady rhythm. Lexa gripped tighter to the headboard, arching her back as pleasure ripped throughout her body. The brunette may have been unloved, and even hated, for most her life, but it was all worth it for just the chance to be with Clarke. The blonde's love for her was so powerful in that moment, as was Lexa's own love for the blonde, and she knew that she would have done anything to experience this feeling that she had lost all faith in before.
When Lexa screamed Clarke's name that night, she knew that she never wanted another name to leave her tongue like this for the rest of her life. Sleep came easy as her body intertwined with Clarke's in bed, after she had taken her medication. But just before she fully succumbed to her dreams, she felt the overwhelming feeling that she just might be starting to belong.