AN: Hello, Clexakru! This is another pretty fluffy chapter for all of you, so I hope you'll love it, and I hope all of you have a wonderful Halloween tomorrow! I'm pretty excited because I'm dressing as our beloved commander, and I can't wait! :)
That Friday, Lexa found herself walking into the Fall Carnival with her housemates, who were all talking excitedly about the night to come. Clarke seemed as excited as everyone else did, but Lexa wasn't sure that she could share in that excitement. She still remembered the first time that she had been to this carnival, and she hadn't been back since. Even though she had planned on coming earlier in the week, now that it was here, Lexa had tried to get out of it tonight by claiming that she had a lot of homework. Needless to say, it hadn't taken Clarke long to convince her to come anyway. Lexa could only hope that tonight would prove to be extremely fun now that she had Clarke.
The blonde in question was currently pulling Lexa towards one of the booths where Octavia was currently playing a game. Once she got close enough to see, Lexa noticed that Octavia was playing the ring toss, and she also noticed that the other brunette was not very good at it. None of the three rings that Octavia was given landed on the pegs that she was supposed to be hooking them on.
"Move out of the way, and I'll show you how it's done," Raven said smugly.
"Yeah, right," Octavia scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I'm going to get all three so that I can get one of those huge prizes." Raven pointed up at the giant stuffed animals that were hanging from the ceiling of the tent.
"You can try," Octavia said, clearly not believing her.
Raven almost made good on her promise, but she missed the last ring, so she had to settle for one of the smaller prizes. Bellamy stepped up next, making it his goal to get all three rings around the pegs as well, and soon, that was the goal of everyone in Arkadia. Lexa watched them all have a go at it, but nobody actually succeeded in this new goal. Once everyone had gone except for Clarke and Lexa, Octavia, Raven, and Emori began to chant the names of the two girls in order to spur them into taking the next turn.
Clarke groaned in annoyance. "I'm not trying that. I'll be terrible and embarrass myself in front of all of you."
"Come on, Clarke. Everyone else did it, and some people were really bad," Raven said.
"I'll go," Lexa said, knowing that she would have no problem with this game. She and Luna had gone to carnivals quite a bit when she was a kid, and the ring toss had always been Lexa's best game. She wondered if Anya and Emori remembered this. The amused look that Anya was giving her and the eye roll that Emori offered up told Lexa that they did. When the man handed her the rings, she threw each one expertly onto a peg, to the amazement of everyone who was watching her.
Even the man who was running the booth seemed impressed. "Nice work! Which prize would you like?"
Lexa had forgotten that the prizes had even existed in her eagerness to show off her skills to everyone. She knew that she really did not care for the prize, so she turned to her roommate. "What would you like, Clarke?"
Clarke raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You're giving it to me?"
"Of course I am. You're my girlfriend."
Clarke smiled warmly at the brunette, squeezing her hand in thanks before turning her attention to the man in the booth. "I'll have the lion, please."
The man began to pull the lion down for her, and then the blonde's eyes sparked, and she started speaking again. "Actually, could you hold it for me until I'm ready to leave the carnival so that I won't have to carry it around? I can pick it up on the way out."
"That would be perfectly fine," he said. "If any of the rest of you who won prizes would like to leave them here as well, there's plenty of space back here where I can store them."
Raven, Emori, and Monty all handed over the smaller animals that they had claimed before the friends decided to move on to something else. Jasper and Monty excused themselves to go meet up with Maya and Harper, and the other eight walked around, looking at the choices of booths.
"Thank you," Clarke said, squeezing Lexa's warm hand in hers.
"Anytime," Lexa answered easily, with a smile on her face.
They played many more carnival games, none of which Lexa was as successful with as she had been with the first one, and Raven was actually able to convince Clarke to play some of the games as well. The blonde had seemed nervous at first, but now that she had started to try some of the games, Lexa could tell that her girlfriend was having fun.
Once the eight members of Arkadia House had finished with all of the carnival games that they had wanted to play, they decided to head over to the Ferris Wheel. Lexa didn't protest, but she wanted to, and when she found herself standing in line, looking up at said Ferris Wheel, she couldn't help but remember the first time that she had seen it. It looked exactly the same as it had two years ago, and she was suddenly flooded with memories from which she could not escape.
She wondered if maybe it had been a mistake to come here today, after all.
Lexa was jolted out of her thoughts when she felt Clarke squeeze her hand, and she realized that her roommate was looking at her in concern.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
Lexa wanted to nod and pretend she was fine, not wanting to ruin the fun that Clarke was clearly having by bringing up her stupid feelings. She knew though that even if she put on the best performance in the world right now to assure her roommate that nothing was bothering her, Clarke would see right through it.
The blonde had already read the answer in her eyes.
"No," Lexa admitted. "I guess not. But I will be."
"What's wrong?" Clarke asked. Lexa had known that the blonde would ask this right away, but that didn't stop Lexa from wishing that she hadn't.
The brunette looked warily at her housemates, not wanting any of them to know that anything was amiss. Thankfully, they weren't even glancing her way, already immersed in conversation with their chosen riding partners. Lexa sighed, knowing that it would probably be better for her if she let Clarke in, even if she didn't necessarily want to talk about this.
"I'm sorry, Clarke. It's just that I came here with Costia during my freshman year, which you probably know, and well, the Ferris Wheel is where we had our very first kiss."
Lexa watched as understanding dawned in blue eyes. "Oh. Do you want to get out of here? We can go back to the house."
Lexa couldn't help the way that her heart swelled with gratitude at the way that Clarke was so quick to offer, so quick to care about Lexa's wellbeing. However, Lexa didn't miss the slight hint of disappointment that colored Clarke's tone, and the brunette did not want to make her girlfriend miss the rest of this night when she was clearly having so much fun.
"I'll be fine, Clarke. This is slightly frustrating for me though. I mean, I thought I would be over this by now. I'm in love with you now."
Clarke smiled warmly at her. "And I love you, Lexa, but just because you are in love with me now doesn't mean that Costia wasn't special to you. She was your first love, and a part of you will probably always love her. Plus, it takes time to truly get over something like that, especially since she was taken from you the way she was. You can tell me about your first kiss though if you think it will help. I'd be happy to listen."
Lexa made the split-second decision to tell Clarke, and she launched into the story before she could change her mind about it. "We were riding the Ferris Wheel, and it stopped at the top. How cliché, right? We found out later that it was Anya's doing, but we had no idea what was wrong at the time, so we sat up there and waited for it to be repaired. For thirty minutes, I might add. Anyway, after we had been up there a while, Costia whispered one word, 'beautiful,' and I argued with her, wondering how on earth she could find this carnival that was probably a hundred years old to be beautiful."
Lexa paused for a moment, looking down at the ground. She couldn't help but find it a little weird to be talking with her girlfriend about such a special moment that had occurred between her and her first love. "That's when she told me she wasn't talking about the carnival. I was kind of in awe, and I didn't really know what to do, so I just sat there, like the idiot I am, and she leaned over and kissed me, right on the lips. And that kiss that we shared up there. That was beautiful."
Clarke nodded to Lexa, prompting her to go on, and the brunette shrugged because that was really all there was to tell. Anya had brought them back down shortly after, wearing a smug smirk, and Lexa and Costia had become exclusive shortly after.
The brunette smiled at her girlfriend because Clarke had been right. Talking about her first kiss with Costia had made Lexa feel freer somehow, and she was relieved that the sight of the Ferris Wheel wasn't making her want to cry anymore. She had no desire to go back to the house anymore either, and she realized that she wanted nothing more than to stay right here and continue making new carnival memories with Clarke.
Once Clarke understood that Lexa did not have anything else to say, she dipped her head to the brunette. "I'm really glad that you told me about it. Did that make you feel better?"
Lexa nodded. "Much."
Before Clarke could say another word, it was her and Lexa's turn to get on the Ferris Wheel, and the brunette was surprised. She hadn't even noticed that they had gotten so far up in the line because she had been so caught up in her memory.
When she and Clarke reached the top of the Ferris Wheel, Lexa made another split-second decision and leaned over to press her lips to Clarke's in a chaste kiss. The blonde was surprised at first, but she quickly returned the kiss, rewarding Lexa with a dazzling smile when she pulled away. Lexa's goal had not been to replace her memory that she had made up here with Costia, of course. She knew in her heart that nothing would ever be able to replace such a moment. She just wanted to prove to herself that she was indeed moving on, that she could do something with Clarke that she had done with Costia without regretting it for days. Lexa could not fight back a grin of her own when she saw the pure joy in Clarke's eyes. For as long as she could remember, Lexa had been searching for some place that she could call home, somewhere with people who loved and accepted her.
As she noted the love in the blue eyes in front of her, she wondered if her home had to be a place at all.
After the Ferris Wheel, Octavia and Raven were all hot to trot to go on the ride with the spinning chair swings, and Lexa was slightly dismayed when everyone agreed with them. She hadn't minded Octavia and Raven leading the pack until now; she had rather found it nice that someone actually had an idea of what they wanted to do because she knew that she would find it hard to choose. Now, though, she thought differently. She wasn't sure if she would be able to handle the chair ride. She didn't want to be the one to rain on her friends' parade, so she was extremely glad when Anya voiced her own dissent.
"You guys can go ahead, but I'm going to sit this one out. That ride makes me sick."
"I don't think that's a good ride for me either," Lexa spoke up.
She had been swung around enough by her stepdad when she was younger, and she didn't want to chance the fact that the ride might trigger a particularly horrible flashback. Especially when she had no power over when to stop the ride.
"I'll stay off with you guys, and we can meet up with the others again later," Emori offered.
Lexa brightened at the thought of her friends staying off the ride with her, and she could tell from the look in Clarke's eyes that the blonde wanted to do the same.
"Go with your friends, Clarke," Lexa said knowingly. "I'll be fine by myself for a while."
Lexa could see the question in Clarke's eyes at this, wanting to know if Lexa was absolutely sure that that's what she wanted. The brunette only nodded, and Clarke followed her friends to the line while Lexa followed hers on a walk throughout the carnival area.
"So, Emori, why aren't you spending time with your boyfriend?" Lexa asked. "Jasper and Monty went in search of their girlfriends almost right away."
"Believe me, I would have ditched you all immediately, if John were actually here. As it happens though, he's not because he has to work on a project. That's an extremely lame excuse for issing the carnival, if you ask me, but oh well." Emori shrugged before giving Anya a playful shove. "Besides, I wouldn't want Anya here to feel left out."
"I told you, Mor, I'm perfectly fine," Anya said before turning a more serious gaze on Lexa. "But are you, Lex? I heard you and Clarke talking about Costia behind us when we were waiting in line for the Ferris Wheel."
Lexa was slightly surprised at this information because she had thought that no one was listening to what she and Clarke had been discussing earlier. She now wondered if the chair swing ride even made Anya sick at all or if she had just wanted to get this chance to talk to Lexa about what she had overheard. Either way, it warmed Lexa's heart that Anya cared so much.
"I'm fine now. Yes, I was feeling a little down at the Ferris Wheel because Costia and I shared our first kiss there and all, but talking to Clarke helped me through that. Besides, I stuck around, didn't I? There was a time when I wouldn't even be able to think about such a memory without bursting into tears or wanting to smash things."
"So you're over all that dark 'I will never have hope again' stuff?" Emori asked. "What about your old motto that life only gives good things to take them away again?"
Lexa shrugged, remembering exactly how she had felt during the time that Emori had referenced. She was quite glad to find that she was feeling much more lighthearted now. "I like to think that I can't possibly get so unlucky more than once."
Emori nodded in approval, bumping Lexa's shoulder playfully. "That a girl."
Lexa smiled at her friend, and she was suddenly glad that Emori had volunteered to stay off the ride with her as well. She had spent a good amount of time with Anya since she had started feeling like herself again, but she hadn't spent as much time with Emori. Lexa found herself slipping right back into her old habits with Anya and Emori again, even if Costia wasn't there. She needed to stop thinking about the fact that her first love wasn't around anymore and concentrate on the fact that Emori and Anya were, and they still wanted to be.
Lexa was seconds away from opening her mouth to thank the two girls for staying off the ride to spend time with her when Emori grabbed her and Anya by the arm and pulled them in front of one of the food stands without a single word of explanation. Anya glanced at her sister with a questioning look, and Lexa knew that a similar expression was adorning her own face.
Emori scoffed at the two of them, giving them each a pointed look. "They have funnel cake. We can't go to the carnival without getting some funnel cake."
Lexa shook her head, and Anya rolled her eyes, but neither one of them made any move to get out of the line. Lexa wasn't at all surprised that Emori had dragged them into this line with no explanation, and she felt as if nothing had even changed in the time she had spent apart from them. They seemed to be the same people they were before, and this made Lexa feel at least slightly better about the fact that she had missed a year of their lives, as well as her own.
When she had been standing in front of that Ferris Wheel earlier, she had thought that it had been a mistake to come here, but now she was extremely glad that she had come, if only to get the chance to hang out with her friends like she used to. And of course, she was also happy that she wouldn't be missing the funnel cake.
When Lexa, Emori, and Anya met back up with Clarke and her friends again, Raven immediately started walking away, and the others had no choice but to follow her. Lexa greeted her girlfriend with a kiss, having missed her in their short time apart, and then she slid her hand into Clarke's as they set off after Raven.
Anya nodded at where Raven was walking a few feet ahead of them, ponytail swinging behind her. "Where's she headed?"
"She's been begging us to go to the haunted house from the minute we got off the chair ride," Octavia explained. "I hope that's alright with you guys."
"The haunted house?" Emori asked with an excited grin. "Great! I love the haunted house."
Lexa didn't miss the question in the blue eyes that were now trained on her, and she nodded subtly to her girlfriend, assuring her that she would be fine in the haunted house. In fact, it was one of her favorite attractions. With her love of horror movies, it was right up her alley, and she thought that perhaps it was she who should be asking Clarke if she would be okay in the haunted house. Judging by the slight fear that Lexa could detect in blue eyes, the haunted house would not be the blonde's favorite attraction of the night. Lexa thought of asking Clarke about it, but she knew that her roommate would deny any discomfort she might be feeling for the simple fact that all of their friends seemed so excited to walk through it. Lexa settled for squeezing her girlfriend's hand instead.
When it was their turn to go inside, Lexa tried her best to hold back a laugh at the feeling of the death grip that Clarke was currently holding on her hand. As they walked into the hallways, Clarke cowered into Lexa's side, and the brunette stood tall, feeling a slight ego boost at the fact that she would look so brave in front of Clarke. She was sure that the blonde was glad that it was so dark inside so that the others would not see how afraid she was.
Upon entering the first room, there was a man acting as a doctor and his "creation" escaped, chasing the group down the hallway. Everyone was screaming and laughing as well, but Lexa could feel Clarke's hand quivering in her own, and she knew that her roommate was definitely not finding this act as amusing as the others were.
When they entered the next room, a man, who Lexa had thought was a potted plant at first, jumped out at them, causing them all to scream. Even Anya screamed this time, although Lexa knew that this was the only thing that could scare her best friend. Anya didn't get spooked in the slightest by any of the other stuff. Clarke, on the other hand, was frightened by every little thing and had jumped a mile into the air when it had happened, letting out a bloodcurdling shriek. She was now clutching her hand over her heart as she took deep breaths.
"Oh my gosh. Why do they have to do that?" she asked.
Lexa could not help but laugh a little. "Come on, Clarkey. If you could handle watching Insidious last weekend, you should be able to handle a little haunted house."
Clarke glared at her. "Maybe I don't want to hold your hand anymore if you're going to tease me like that."
Lexa simply shrugged. "Okay."
The brunette was not surprised when Clarke latched onto her hand again the instant that they entered the next room. The eight of them walked through several more rooms, Clarke not getting any braver, and Lexa knew that her girlfriend was relieved when they reached the last hallway that led out of the haunted house. Clarke released Lexa's hand and started to walk slightly ahead of her, clearly feeling more confident now that the end was in sight. Lexa smirked and shook her head at the blonde, remembering what was going to happen next from her previous trip to this carnival. Lexa thought about warning her roommate, but she decided against it, knowing that it would be much more humorous for Clarke to experience it for herself.
When they were about to step out the door, a man with a chainsaw jumped out in front of them to block their path, and Clarke shrieked and jumped violently backwards into Lexa, knocking her hard against the wall. Lexa suddenly found herself transported back to her childhood bedroom, and instead of Clarke accidentally pushing her, her stepdad was roughly throwing her into the wall.
"I don't want to do this," he said, in his false sympathetic tone, "but you need to learn your lesson somehow."
Lexa suddenly felt a hand squeeze hers, and then blue eyes were breaking through her vision, bringing her back to reality. Lexa took a deep breath and then nodded gratefully at her girlfriend, letting the blonde know that she was alright now. Clarke squeezed her hand again and then turned her focus forward, pulling Lexa to the exit as if nothing had happened.
"Omg, when that plant guy jumped out at us at the beginning," Raven was saying as soon as they got outside. "That kind of thing scares the shit out of me."
"The entire thing scared the shit out of me," Clarke admitted, "especially that chainsaw part. Why didn't you guys tell me that was going to happen? I know you all knew."
"Because we wanted you to have the full experience." Lexa pinched Clarke's sides, causing the blonde to jump, and not even bothering to hold back her laugh.
"Some friends you are," Clarke grumbled to herself.
Lexa was extremely relieved that Clarke did not try to talk to her about what they both knew had happened back in the haunted house, nor did she even try to ask Lexa with her eyes if she was okay. She didn't even acknowledge it, and Lexa was grateful for that. She liked that Clarke was beginning to listen to her and had treated her flashback as if it had never happened. It was nice to have Clarke there to help her out of it. She could admit that, but she did not need anyone to make a fuss over it, and she was glad that her roommate was starting to understand that. She knew that she was lucky to have Clarke, who was so patient and willing to try with her. It wasn't exactly a new feeling to Lexa to have someone care so deeply about her. She knew that Costia had, and Anya still did, even if in a slightly different way. It was certainly a rare feeling though, and Lexa reveled in it.
When Lexa left the carnival that night, surrounded by Clarke and their friends (after picking up the blonde's lion, of course), Lexa dared to let herself hope that she might have finally found a place that she could call home as well.