Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
Thank you everyone for your support! It really encourages me to write more when I receive reviews or see that you have favourited my story. My particular thanks to SkylarNight, Reader-anonymous-writer and Guava2 who have repeatedly reviewed this story. I really appreciate it :)
So far, I've posted one chapter per day, but after this one, I'll start updating every second or third day because I have trouble keeping up the writing speed and my new semester starts this week at my university.
Chapter 4: 10th of August 1995, Part one, At the Rebel's Camp
"No, no, no, Harry! How many times do I have to tell you this! You never follow a blasting curse with a cutting one! The wand movements really don't flow well together. How could you not see that!
-I know, I know, Sirius! Ok, I forgot I had to pass by a banishing spell. I lost about a tenth of second. So what?
-So what? A tenth of a second might be all the time you have to strike! It might be what decides who gets to walk away from a battle and who will rot on the ground. Harry, the Dark Lord is powerful, you have to be the quickest possible. You know those things..."
I blew my bangs out my eyes and lifted my arm to wipe my sweaty forehead with my forearm. Duels were so exhausting... At least I don't have to worry about stupid glasses anymore...
"Of course I know that! You've repeated the same things over and over again all my life. By now, I know your whole speech by heart: 'Harry, you have a responsibility towards the rest of the world. I know it's a big weight to bear, but I know you can do it, I trust you, yadda, yadda...' "
I suppressed a sigh. I didn't have much patience for anyone those days...
"I don't know what's gotten to you, Prongslet. You used to do all your exercises without complaining, to be responsible. Ever since you went to the last Victory Day procession, you're not the same, what has changed? Is it because you've seen Him again?"
I cut him off. I couldn't bear to listen to him again, to his concerned and understanding tone when I just wanted him to get angry and shout back at me.
"So what if I've seen Him! It doesn't have anything to do with this! I feel like all my life is about killing one man! All of it! The other teenagers, by now, they are studying for their OWLs, they have friends, relationships, they are asking themselves what they want to do with their life, but I can't! There's nobody of my age here!
-That's not true, Neville's there, " supplied Sirius so helpfully.
"Yes, and what an inspiring companion he is..." I replied, still irritated.
I felt like there was a mass of chaotic energy swirling inside of me and that I was about to blow up from frustration. Suddenly, I wanted out of this useless conversation, out of this dingy training room, out of this life of misery and expectation. I started shouting:
"I'm not going to succeed! I can't kill him. He's too powerful! I'm going to die! And you know it! I see how you look at me when you think I'm not paying attention. You always try to convince Moody to keep me in the camp when you go on raids! You know I'm going to die the second I step a foot out of here to carry out my so-called 'mission'! "
I stormed away; unshed tears of frustration brimming in my eyes. I could hear Sirius calling me back, trying to convince that I'm just too young, that I'll be ready one day. I opened the door of our house and slammed it close behind me. Typical teenage behaviour, I know. I huffed to myself. If only I was typical.
I climbed up the dirt road of my village (or the Rebel's camp, as it's called by the rest of the population, supplied my mind ever so helpfully) and headed to the woods that bordered it on the north. Within minutes, I reached my special place. Corny, I know, again. It's just a little clearing with a fallen tree, encircled with bushes that give me a feeling of privacy and comfort. I always go there when I want some calm to sort through my thoughts. I sat on the ground, my back resting on the tree trunk, my knees pulled up to my chest.
I hate fighting with Padfoot, was the first one that came to my mind as I'm staring mulishly at the patch of leaves in front of me.
"Why does it have to be me?" is my most frequent complaint in life. I'm not blind to my faults or to my insecurities. Well, with hindsight, I always know what I did wrong and end up regretting it, but when I'm in the moment, I can't help but to be the typical Gryffindor (I like to think I would have been in that house had I gone to Hogwarts) and blurt everything that passes through my mind and go right ahead with whatever idea I came up with on the spot. Strong and courageous? Pff! I scoffed at the notion. More like, brash and thoughtless, you mean?
I fell back to silence in my mind, before something Sirius said came back to my mind. "I am behaving like a teenager because of what happened at the last Victory Day celebration?"
3rd of April, 1995
It was the first time I saw the Dark Lord since I was eight. Everything was strikingly similar to that day six years ago, except that I went there alone and was, obviously, standing on my own. But, somehow, even without being placed above the crowd, He still managed to see me.
The cloudless sky was once again blue, the sun shining on the event like a benediction from the gods above. Rumour has it that He has discovered ancient farming charms used by rural communities of wizards during the Middle Ages to decide the weather at will and that he puts in charge a group of those new druids every year to make sure that his Victory Day is not marred by bad weather. In any case, it seemed to be working.
I had stood there for about an hour, looking at the acrobats, clowns and other crowd entertainers, when the music changed to something more solemn and His opened carriage appeared before me. He sat there for a moment, unmoving, looking straight in front of him in a noble posture of confidence and power before he had a benevolent smile and looked down at his people. His every movement were calculated. He was calm and collected. I looked at his poise and I realised that he was the exact opposite of me.
I was agitated and nervous at the sight on my "greatest enemy". I was tapping my foot on the ground and I started sweating when I thought of this glance turning in my direction like last time, of his calculating look judging me and finding me lacking.
At his side, like last time, stood Lucius Malefoy, illustrious Minister of Magic for the past ten years. His second-in-command and delegate in the government, in a way. Everybody knew that the Dark Lord was pulling whatever threads he found interesting in the Ministry. Recently, it became obvious that Voldemort would not be satisfied with just Wizarding Britain.
Progressively, as His control of Britain became near absolute, he had started to detach himself from day-to-day politics and retreat in his fortress to conduct his research on ancient magic, on further protecting the magical world from the Muggle one and on the bettering of certain structures of society. Or so they say. He could be lounging in bed all day, patting himself in the back for a job well done and indulging in his secret passion for Muggle ballet, for all we knew, really.
I don't know much about his positive changes, to be honest. In the Rebel's camp, the news is scarce, like the money, and it's carefully filtered before it reaches my ears. How they thought I wouldn't notice their little strategy is beyond me. When every single piece of information I ever received about the outside is deliberately twisted to present its worse aspects, it becomes quite obvious. Because really, when a new law passes to make sure that Muggleborns are not abused by their new magical parents and it's presented to you like "That monster is not happy with just tearing them from their real loving family, he continues his abusive control in the next by telling them how to raise their child"...well, let's just say that you have start having doubts that it's really all there is to it.
Still, I think the Rebels mean well. After all, if I'm completely convinced of how awful this "new" regime is, instead of having a realistic portrait of a balance of positive and negative aspects that I have to put in perspective and compare with my own values, well, it might be easier for me to see my Task as some type of divine providence and to...do it without remorse.
At that moment, I got out of my deep thoughts to see the handsome Dark Lord (did I really just think that?) reach a podium. He stood up and gracefully climbed up the stage.
He's doing a speech? I don't remember that from last time...
He walked to the front, taking the time to swipe the crowd of his glance before he would start to talk. I stood there, frozen, half-hoping that He would notice me like when I was eight, and half-dreading it (after all, I wasn't supposed to hope for the attention of my "nemesis").
It's exposure, I thought. I should have stayed at home. He's a legilimens, who knows what he got from my unprotected mind last time he saw me.
My stomach started churning uncomfortably.
Maybe he'll recognise me?
I berate myself in my mind.
It sounds too much like I would like it to happen. Come on, I was what, eight years old? I changed a lot since then! He sees thousands of people at this procession every year, it's been years ago, why would He...
My thoughts stopped and my heart started pounding in my ears. Time suspended as once again, He held my glance for a few seconds. Ruby-red eyes, so deep, so intelligent and cunning. I felt my eyes widen and heard my gasp, like last time. Then, I saw a flash of something (surprise? recognition? I don't know!) pass in his eyes before he turned away and started his speech...
He lifted his hands, silently asking the attention of the adulating crowd. He got it instantly. Even the baby crying at the left stood there, eyes wide open, waiting to see what would happen. The silence was absolute and everybody was waiting with bated breath to see what would happen. His lips parted slowly and stretched for a short moment in what looked like a genuine smile. I felt a shock of arousal running through me and saw many people shiver at the intensity of the moment. What is wrong with me? I asked myself silently. This is your enemy, for Merlin's sake! What now, he'll just have to drop his shirt off at the beginning of our epic final battle and I'll just stand there letting him kill me?
"My dear citizens of the Wizarding World, this is the tenth time now that we celebrate my Victory Day together and I see some faces in the crowd that have been here with me for each one of them. I can even recognise some who were but infants at my first speech and who are standing here proudly on their own feet today. "
The Dark Lord's voice was smooth and velvety, deep and soothing. It transported you wherever it wanted you, made you feel alternatively the warmth of an embrace and the caressing breeze of a fresh spring day. It was pitched so that everybody in the crowd could hear it perfectly, but would still bend forward a bit to try to catch more of it. After pausing a moment to watch his crowd, he smiled to himself again, making a part of the crowd sigh, and returned to his speech.
"Such devotion and loyalty are hard to come by those days, and I thank you deeply for your presence here. It brings me great joy to see you all so happy and satisfied with the changes I have implemented for the growth of the Wizarding World. And when I speak of the good of the Wizarding World, I mean that I always try my best to find the options that would be beneficial to each one of you: from the humble witches and wizards to the hard-working Goblins, from the Werewolves and Vampires who were discriminated and dishonoured by the previous regime, to the abused Muggleborns and Half-bloods who were stuck in the Muggle World without knowing who they were or what they could do.
As you can all imagine, I'm sure, negotiating with so many diverse groups wasn't always easy and even today, we still have much progress to do before Minister Malefoy and I are really satisfied. But we can take pride in that, in great part thanks to your devoted support and unwavering loyalty, we have come this far and made life easier and happier for so many of our citizens.
My dearest wish for the future is for our children, some of which I've seen grow with my speeches every year. My wish is for them to never have to live the harshness of wars like we did. Let us work together, my friends, to preserve these happy days and to offer them a bright and peaceful future!"
His voice, which had become progressively louder and stronger toward the end of his speech, reached an exultant note on its last word and the crowd exploded in exclamations of joy and in fervent applause. Confetti rained down everywhere and balloons were set free to begin their ascension to the skies. I stood there, transfixed, unable to process what was happening around me. I wanted to turn around and see the reactions of the crowd, but, at the same time, I couldn't detach my eyes from the Dark Lord's face. This? This man was my enemy? This charismatic, beloved leader? This wizard so powerful that he drew the attention of every single person around him? How could Sirius think that I'd have even a remote chance against Him? The whole idea of me being His equal is preposterous! In fifty years, maybe then, I'd manage to give Him a nosebleed in a duel, if I was lucky! I scoffed at the idea. Now, that sounded more realistic. I drank in the scene. The Dark Lord was standing tall at the front of the stage, a content smile on his lips, his face lit up as if he was living for this precise moment; the crowd's buoyant energy wouldn't dim down, its people wouldn't stop cheering, applauding, whistling and clapping. In the middle of this tumult, his eyes found mine again and his smile widened to one of triumph...
10th of August, the Rebel's camp
I came back to my clearing, still thinking of that look. Was I a traitor if admitted to myself that I really wanted Him to look at me? If I thought that not every decision he's taken or every law he's passed since he was in power was a bad one? If I thought that he wasn't such a bad leader?
"I'm just being nuanced", I chided.
"And were you being nuanced as well when you were enthralled by his good looks?
-Now, Subconscious, you're not funny anymore. I wasn't 'enthralled', I just... appreciate beauty where I can see it. There. Anyway, you know, I'm just being a normal hormonal teenager for once, you should be happy, really.
-I suppose it is a clear amelioration from your usual depressed and borderline suicidal thoughts", replied my subconscious in a snarky tone. "But, whilst we are at it, by the way, aren't worried about the fact that you're having a discussion with yourself?
-I'm sure everybody does that. They just deny it when asked because they are too embarrassed. Anyway, this discussion is closed now."
I nodded to myself to reinforce the thought. How ridiculous could that be? I wasn't "enthralled". I knew what this was. Sirius always says that, in the Wizarding World, so much depends on the magical strength and ability of its population that we tend to admire powerful wizards and witches and to look up to them for guidance. That's one of the reasons why there are no revolts or protests (apart from ours). They are not really satisfied; they are just lured by the false sense of security provided by a strong leader. Just like I am, apparently. Thank you, Sirius, for providing me this excellent and reassuring justification.
Only, well, maybe our instincts are linked with our magic and our magic pushes us to align ourselves with powerful people to survive? And then, the current order would be, in fact, pre-ordained by Magic herself? But wouldn't all governments be pre-ordained then?
I shook my head, trying to get rid of these useless questions. Why do I doubt everything the Rebels say? Weren't they my family? Shouldn't I be happy to be protected and trained by them until I'm ready to face the outside world? Why did I itch so badly for adventures outside of these wards? I felt that, with all this practice and training, and without any real experience in fighting, I had no idea of my skills. That's why I wasn't confident in my ability. The Rebel camp is composed of about 50 people, and, among them, 35 are at least fifteen years older than me and had experience in the war. It's normal that I have trouble beating them in a duel...
Maybe I should just...leave. Go out there. Now. The wards were pretty close to here, I could feel them pulsing around me. Since I'm keyed to them, I should be able to go out and come in again before anybody notices that I'm gone. It's not like I'm not ready. Ever since I arrived to this camp, some ten years ago, they have prepared me for an emergency escape. "Don't worry about anyone else but you and run! You're the most important here. If you survive, the rebellion can go on," they said. Well, so much for encouraging my sense of loyalty, modesty and courage. They also gave me a backpack with all the necessities needed to survive in the wild for about a week. I should be fine for my little expedition of a couple of hours, then, no?
"No!" shouted the good boy in me. Well, little angel, if I always listen to you, I'll never become stronger, I'll never accomplish anything and I'll never grow up. It's like Tonks' mother said when she became an Auror and a spy for us: "let her do what she wants, and make her own mistakes. That's the only way for her to find out who she is and what she is made of." And Tonks was quite happy then. Sure, she nearly got caught three times coming here, and then she nearly killed us all by being followed once and now she never comes by anymore and we suspect that she's dead or imprisoned, but hey, she was happy while it lasted. And she grew up quite fast.
Ok, that might not have been the best example out there.
Anyway, I'm going. And I'll be very careful and keep my invisibility cloak on all the time I'm gone. Where will I go? Hum...Diagon Alley! That should do. I'll just go look around, it's not like I'd be searching for trouble or anything. Yes, it's decided, I'm going "normal people watching" today. What could possibly go wrong with such a safe plan?
Voilà! I hoped you liked the yummy Dark Lord, hehe!